Can anyone give me hope regarding 18 year old dd (will she get better with age and experience?)- massively affected by anxiety and unable to properly engage with life and its challenges

[LimitIsUp]

She has had her issues since year 9 (school refusal etc), more attendance issues at sixth form college, and then bailing out of University almost immediately.

Huge panic attack / meltdown today regarding 'knowing that she is a problem', hating herself and hating life, stating that she will never be able to go to University or hold down more than a minimum wage job' etc etc

She just can't do what her friends do (can't stay over at another friends house, can't talk to strangers, struggles to go into a shop and buy things on her own, can't do most casual jobs because the working environment is huge and scary (said about supermarket jobs, a job at a local theme park etc) - her safe space is very limited

She is medicated (citalopram), and is on her third counsellor (this one is offering CBT)

Might she just get better with age? I know anxiety is a life long condition but will she learn to manage it more effectively as she matures? I just feel that perhaps she is struggling with the transition from child to adult?

Are there any mumsnetters out there who were like this when younger but are now more able to deal with life?

So she's too anxious to go into a shop but not to illegally purchase weed, she's too anxious to plan for university but can hold down a job? Sounds very.. selective

Hopefully i can give you some hope here. When i was around 14-20 i had major anxiety and depression. Hit 18 and started smoking weed and drinking regularly. Started taking stronger drugs to be able to cope with my anxiety and ended up having a full blown mental health crisis after losing my job and home. I could barely keep a job and had no friends. Fast forward 3 years ive been to a hostel that specialises in getting people off drink/drugs and sorting out mental health issues. Went to a few mind groups which i found very helpful for my anxiety. 3 years later im back in college looking to get a job again, im not homeless, have a baby and my mental health and substance issues are completley gone. Maybe check out the Amber project. For me taking baby steps helped. My parents were the tough love kind and while i hated it at the time it forced me to overcome my issues and stop relying on them 24/7

@Sanchez79

So she's too anxious to go into a shop but not to illegally purchase weed, she's too anxious to plan for university but can hold down a job? Sounds very.. selective

Not really. Buying weed doesn't have to involve dark alleys with tooled up gangsters. She buys from a friend of a friend.

I have explained the job - basically she was handheld by the boss to encourage her to start working there and the boss still makes allowances for her. Its a small business with a family feel with only around a dozen co workers - all of whom are decent and kind. She can do this stutifying dull job because it makes no demands upon her - she could do it in her sleep.

Its not selective. She doesn't choose to be like this and wishes she could be "normal"

"Its reassuring to hear that both of you are doing better now than you were at her age"

It took a long time to become less shy though and a slow process. I would have preferred some intervention when I was younger. I've even heard of an anti-depressant that makes you less shy.
It still affects me know. People would not call me a shy person now, but there are certain kinds of shops I find very hard to go into if I have to speak to the shopkeeper.

lana135 - thank you for sharing that. You've been through hell and back, so pleased to hear that you are out the other side

"How do you suggest I get her to stop? Her anxiety preceeded her weed use by circa 4 years. She claims that weed actually makes her more positive and better able to cope."

Get a legal drug/other kind of treatment prescribed? It's no wonder people turn to self-medicating if conventional science can't give them anything that helps.

Gwenhywfar - she is on citalopram a legal drug / treatment. It does bugger all unfortunately. Before that she was on sertraline which made her feel worse. Its actually hugely, hugely common for people with anxiety to self medicate with weed. Mental health - the cinderella service.

Omg wake up and smell the weed!!

It's ultimatum time: stop the weed or stop supporting her.

She's at it and manipulating you.

www.drugabuse.gov/publications/research-reports/common-comorbidities-substance-use-disorders/part-1-connection-between-substance-use-disorders-mental-illness

I suffered panic and anxiety attacks in my early twenties. Until you have experienced them personally words are insufficient to explain how bloody debilitating they are. Does she have a specific fear when being out in public ? Mine was needing the toilet urgently, but l know symptoms can vary, vomiting, fainting, losing control etc. There is a good forum on Panic End, and a book called " Dare" which are useful. I just got to the stage after two or three years of living a very restricted life, l thought what the hell, and stopped trying to resist them, stopped with all the CBT, coping methods, distracting techniques,you name it, I'd tried it. l was too exhausted by it all, and it was really inferring with my job. So l just allowed them to come, knowing they would reach a peak, and then recede, stayed with it, didn't retreat or try to escape , which is incredibly difficult when the flight instinct kicks in, and slowly my life returned to some kind of normal.
Mooji on youtube, explains how to stop letting your thoughts control you , l find him very helpful , and l wish I d come across him and his meditations a lot earlier. I prefer his shorter videos, just him, and the one with Russell Brand is good.
I am sure sooner or later your daughter will regain her confidence. My youngest son suffered an anxiety disorder, it is heartbreaking as a parent to watch them struggle with it. I remember feeling in a place of hopelessness and utter despair, like l was trapped and it was never going to get any better. I would suggest she reads up all she can on it, watch youtube videos of people who have experienced it and what they did , and learning about changing thought patterns. Changing the way you think is the way out. Good luck.

Get her off the weed. It can be strong stuff and cause apathy in her age group. To the extent, they cant function, as in uni etc. I have been there, so I know, took me 5 years to stop her taking weed. Fuc.. up her life at the time. I have heard of The Lightening Project in North Devon. I have no knowledge of the cost, but it has had success with teens like this. Stay strong.

felulageller whilst I generally welcome advice, what you say doesn't constitute advice and you are talking utter crap from a position of ignorance

Thanks lydia I will google the Lightening Project

Apart from the weed, my 14 y o very anxious and helpless DD sounds similar. She has recently been diagnosed ASD/ASC which is believed to be the root cause of her anxiety. Lockdown has not been good for her confidence, despite her relief at not having to venture forth

Thank you Moonface I have just seen your post and will encourage her to look up Mooji

Shouldbedoing - lockdown hasn't helped dd either. Yes we are pondering ASD, I have Lorna Wing (adult diagnosis of ASD) self referral forms since dd herself suggested this might be her issue.

Does she take hormonal contraception? It can cause anxiety.
Also check that the antidepressants she's on are suitable for teenagers.
I would definitely step back and let her build up her confidence, treat her like any other adult.

"My youngest son suffered an anxiety disorder, it is heartbreaking as a parent to watch them struggle with it. I remember feeling in a place of hopelessness and utter despair, like l was trapped and it was never going to get any better."

Absolutely this Moonface

I was going to recommend the Dare book mentioned above. The author is Barry Mcdonaugh.
The CBT should help by encouraging her to take a graded approach to challenging tasks eg go to corner shop for 5 minutes, go to supermarket for 20 minutes etc. It can be quite empowering if done carefully.

Cheezy - that is what her CBT counsellor is doing - setting her tasks specific to her fears. She started with CBT in February and she feels that it is helping but its early days as yet

I had a slight touch of this myself as a late teen/young adult and I agree the anxiety came from a lack of confidence. My mum did a lot of things for me without asking that I could have done for myself in a ‘well you couldn’t do this properly; I know best’ way, but she didn’t do things that would have helped me gain confidence (eg after I passed my driving test she refused to help me practice motorway driving or insure me on her car). Driving was actually a key factor in me gaining self confidence - when I was eventually financially able to fund a car, my then boyfriend guided me on the motorway for the first time and shortly after that, I did a solo drive across central London to pick up a mate. I felt on top of the world after that!

I’m not saying my situation is similar. But doing things on her own will make her more confident. Is there anything your daughter loves doing that you can encourage her to become more independent in? Would lots of extra positive reinforcement help?

My son at 17 suffered from anxiety so much that he had to drop out of school. He too smoked weed. He took sertraline which made him have mood swings and suicidal thoughts. He's now 22 and is just finishing his degree. He's definitely improved with age. He still gets very anxious but has learnt coping strategies, no longer smokes weed and does yoga when he's stressed. He's actually benefited from covid as he could avoid the crowed lectures at Uni and will soon get his degree. I could have saved myself a huge amount of stress if I could have seen into the future when he dropped out of school and was suffering so badly as a teen.

Oh, my mum did insure me for one day (night before my test), so we could practice manoeuvres. Problem was that she clung onto the side of the car for dear life with a panicked expression on her face which depleted my confidence rapidly.

My grandad on the other hand insisted that I backed his car out of our drive for him as practice (he could do it perfectly well himself but he wanted me to practice), and even though i think stalled about 3 times and had another car sat waiting for me (my grandad explained to them I was practicing to my mortification), I managed it okay. My grandad quite literally cheered me on with loads of praise. I knew I was too old for that sort of thing but it did help

I hope this doesn’t sound unkind but do you think she feels the expectations you put on her to live what you deem a normal life? I have suffered from anxiety to the point I couldn’t get out of bed and my mom would have to come shopping with me at the age of 23. The only thing that helped things ease was to take the pressure off and put the breaks on.. at this stage on her life she has plenty of time to find her life long career get a job etc it just sounds like she needs to slowly adjust and needs a break.. too much pressure is put on people to live in a certain way otherwise they are a failure I’m sorry it’s just not the case.

If she wants to stay at home for the next couple of years to calm her nerves and get into a place whereby she feels she can move forward I would support that in every which way I could and help her slowly acclimatise to the basic situations she’s struggling with now.

I hope this isn’t seen as harsh as I’m fully aware the situation I put my mom and dad through was heartbreaking but in the end all I needed was support and a break..

Thanks Lemon I also think that driving will help her - by giving her the means to go out independently. Unfortunately she had a test cancelled in the November lockdown and another test cancelled in February due to this lockdown. Her next test is end of May, everything crossed. I actually believe that being able to drive could be key to helping her (not a magic key - she will probably always have anxiety - but I think it will help)

She already has a car ready for her and insuring it is no problem. When she passes she can have motorway lessons with her instructor.