Parents of anxious kids/teen support thread(part 4)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Hi everyone
I cannot believe we are moving onto a fourth thread!
This is open to anyone looking for support or advice with a child or teen who suffers from anxiety
This is a long running thread and we have some popping in and out,some long term and some who just dip in for advice- all of these are just fine!
We understand the challenges of raising anxious children and how small wins matter(to others they're nothing special,and many are rude enough to say so!)and the sheer exhausting all consuming efforts that parenting very anxious children can entail
Only thing we ask is that others are respectful and kind.all situations are unique ,and there's no judgement allowed

Mackencheese welcome. Are you under CAMHS? Does the EHCP have any therapeutic input in it? The LA should be providing DS with medical needs tuition and any other provision that is in section F, you don't need a doctor's letter.

Do you think the EHCP meets DS's needs or do you think you need to ask for either a reassessment of needs or an early review?

Door it may be down to DS's mental health, but without further investigation a physical cause can not be ruled out, especially when DS is complaining of tiredness even when engaged in something. It could be something as vitamin D or B12 deficiency, or his mental health difficulties could be exacerbated by a deficiency.

Thanks @1leapforward2back he is "open to CAMHS" but I can never get them on the phone. The last time they called 4 weeks ago ds would not come on the teams call🙄.
He is due an annual review of the ehcp on or just before February 2022 and I plan to get his EP report redone before then, as his reports are all 3yrs old. The LA say they will do salt and OT assessments as well, but they are not reliable - so I'm going to keep chasing them.
If the school aren't meeting ds needs I'm going in all guns blazing for a change of setting and this time it will be a specialist school since I have been put off and turned around so many times and frankly I'm fed up. I have just instructed a lawyer for a tribunal.
Meanwhile ds needs an education, so tomorrow morning... here we go again with trying to get him into school......

Oh and I don't think there is any therapeutic help on the ehcp. Will have a look!

@Runnerduck &@1leapforward thank you for your responses. Camhs have seen him twice since my Tuesday phone call when he was banging his head against a wall - my husband heard banging 3 floors down.They also phoned him on Saturday. They're very variable and somewhat ineffectual. The ones we saw on Thursday were useless & upset Ds. They repeatedly ask the same questions. The one on the phone on Saturday was very good.
Our Psych. Is brilliant but private. Very down to earth and knows how to ask the right questions.
DS is very bright and at a very selective school... With weekly tests & constant exams.If you don't make the grade you're chucked out. Camhs have repeatedly asked me to speak to the school to make allowances for him. His school don't do that. In fact I think even after a month, he will be very behind. I'm not even sure they will let him continue this year.
This very young mental nurse ( I assume nurse 🤷🏼) was telling me I was negative for not even trying the school🤦🏼‍♀️. I'm 57 with 4 kids ....

@Door thank you.
DS came down for dinner with ds1 and then went on a dog walk for the first time in months. It really upsets me that he doesn't talk to ds1 any more, as they used to be good friends. He's curled up in bed a lot today. His friends messaged him this morning and he told them he felt down. So was going to sleep so as not to 'feel'. His friends are so kind to him online. One of them must have reported the potential suicide to our local police on Saturday.

Name change fail - Cantonet!

@Cantonet your poor son. That’s shit about the school. Is it a state grammar? Do you think the pressure is part of the issue?

Good he went out with the dog. Dogs are amazing therapy. I get my boys to groom the dog when they’re a bit down.

cantonet Be aware not all CAMHS allow you to mix private care with their care. Is the school state or independent? All schools must abide by the Equality Act, and for all state schools there is a 'best endeavours' policy.

Mackencheese is it a B,F&I appeal or a reassessment of needs refusal? Make sure the lawyer has experience of tribunals. Self representing parents get a certain amount of leeway, barristers don't and those without SENDIST experience can hinder your case. Have you got/are you getting your own reports?

If you are mid tribunal why are the LA agreeing to EP, SALT and OT assessments at some point before the AR? If DS needs a reassessment of needs it should either be within the timescales ordered (if ordered by SENDIST), or be part of a formal reassessment of needs process which has statutory timescales the LA must follow (which would see you get assessments well before Feb next year). Whereas, if the LA just agree to updated assessments without going through the formal reassessment of needs process they can string it out for months and you can't do anything about it.

You can get MH therapies written into section F, then if CAMHS can't/won't provide them the LA must commission independent providers.

DS1&3 really struggle with virtual appointments too. At the beginning of the pandemic DS1 realised when things got emotionally difficult he could disconnect. I was not impressed! Can you push for a F2F appointment.

@1leapforward it's an independent school with mainly overseas pupils. His school doesn't act like a state school.
Camhs have provided nothing useful at all so far. I would be perfectly happy to sign him out. I've had 3 different lots of camhs people asking whether he's had counselling? We told the first lot yes... For several months. But they've repeatedly asked us again. There's a severe lack of communication between them. We went to a private psychiatrist out of desperation.

Independent schools still have to abide by the Equality Act. It sounds like you have had contact from the crisis team which may explain the repeated questions. They will have a set framework that feeds into assessing risk. Push to see a CAMHS psychiatrist.

@Door yes I do think the added pressure isn't helping. DS told me the suicide attempt was because of the pressure of going back to school. However I think it's his distorted perception as well that's affecting him.
Yes, I do agree with you dogs are truly healing. Whenever any of mine are hurting our spaniel jumps up & puts her head on their lap.
@Door I've read your post on your ds & I think excluding a physical illness is a good idea initially. But to me your Ds sounds depressed. He may not want to admit it... even to himself. But it would be worthwhile to speak to your GP to see whether they can grade his depression as well.

@Cantonet with that information I would be very tempted to take him out of school. It doesn’t sound like the right environment for him. Which year is he in?

Ps thanks re. my son too. My husband spoke to him about the friendship thing and he was very matter of fact he said “I need more time on my own than my friends do. If they’re good friends they’ll respect that, if not then they’re not good friends.” kind of mercenary! Still pondering on that one.

@Door not mercenary, but pretty clear headed. Has your Ds perhaps outgrown his friends? It's the sort of pithy thing my ds would say.
DS is in year 11, so a very crucial year. He loved his school in year 9, but lockdown didn't suit him. However he has good friends at this school and was doing well until Easter. Then a massive plummet in the summer term.

@1leapforward2back thanks for your questions, you sound v knowledgeable! The tribunal hasn't started yet and it will be a b, f and I appeal. I plan to get my own reports, but there is no point in calling for an emergency review if my reports are not up to date. The earliest I can get an EP assessment is January 2022. I want a specialist school, but I'm gearing up for a fight with the LA. I assume it will go to tribunal. And yes, my lawyer is very experienced in SEN tribunals.

Door DS demonstrates great insight there. Some people do need more time to decompress away from others.

Mackencheese you don't need to have up to date independent reports to ask for a reassessment of needs. The purpose of a reassessment of needs is for the LA to seek new assessments. As you are likely to end up at tribunal anyway since you want an independent SS you might as well ask for a reassessment of needs now, get the LA to assess, finalise and then collate independent reports for tribunal. The LA are likely to take little notice of your reports even if you get them before the LA amend the EHCP.

Waiting until the AR in February wastes time. You won't get the right of appeal for a few months afterwards - the LA gets 4 weeks to decide whether they are going to amend, then they must send you a draft without delay (but this is not defined in law) and then they must finalise within 8 weeks of sending you the draft.

@Fferny1 it’s a tricky situation given your son is a high flier in a selective academic environment. My son isn’t going to go to a top tier University so his underperformance at GCSE doesn’t matter. He got what he needed for the next stage so we moved on to A levels. However, although he’s at an independent school it’s not selective and is pretty laid back.

You know your son best. Maybe taking a year out/or at least dropping some subjects might take the pressure off. I know it’s hard to take a step back when you’re in an academic environment (I’m a teacher myself) but i would definitely have that as an option. Maybe he needs a less pressured environment/a year away. Especially as the school are not supportive. He could repeat the year. I would put his MH at the forefront and work from there.

Good luck. It’s all so hard. Whoever said “you’re only ever as happy as your most miserable child had it right!”

Hi all and waves to Mackencheese, Fferny and Door. And the very best of luck to those trying to get DC into school on a Monday morning. Hope it goes smoothly.

Our CAMHS appointment finally came through - 4 weeks after a very determined suicide attempt. Bloody appalling. I am so grateful that we are in such a ridiculously privileged position financially and we are not reliant on them. But so fucking angry that families without access to resources are being so badly let down.

We have reached a weird state of peacefulness at the moment. DD is much improved day-to-day. She describes her mood as being almost neutral, she seems much brighter, she is eating better, sleep isn't dreadful. But she also says that there is no change to the feeling of long term hopelessness. So the days are easier, but life is still utterly pointless and she's just getting through the days crawling towards not being alive any more (although no active plans).

Although she is doing better at home, she is struggling much much more out of the house. She can't explain what's going on, but I think it must be anxiety? She doesn't want to interact with anyone other than me and DH. She actively avoids even walking past people on the beach. She desperately wants her hair cut short but can't face going in to a hairdresser's. She couldn't bear for the psychiatrist to see her on the zoom call. She isn't going to be able to attend the CAMHS appointment - I will have to see if they will accept text communication from her.

School is definitely not happening for a while (Y11). The psychiatrist gave warning that DD might not see any improvement for 12-16 weeks once on the ADs, and when I thought back to the appointment he was also talking about making sure we stayed engaged with CAMHS in case she needs residential treatment in the future, which is fucking terrifying. I think we are going to end up paying for a year of Interhigh, so that she can access recorded content if she feels able, and the chance of GCSEs this year doesn't totally disappear. She's pretty able academically, so if she suddenly decides to engage with exams at least that will give her a chance.

I started to look at applying for an EHC needs assessment, but think we will need to wait until after the CAMHS appointment. Will try and speak to the school SENDCO this week - they are fantastic.

I bought the Susanne Alderson book (Never Let Go) last week - she is running a Partnering 6 week course starting at the end of the month that I think we might access. parentingmentalhealth.com/

I am already weary, and we are less than 3 weeks into this whole journey. I have the utmost respect for all of you who have been doing this for so much longer...

@Runnerduck34 - is DD's first taster session scheduled for today? If so hope she is able to go - fingers crossed

@Stilllivinginazoo - good luck with DS's first school session today and also hope DD2 has a good day at school

Hope Monday goes as well as it can for everyone

Dd yr11 is currently getting dressed.... attendance was 22% last year (the school were very generous most days she git in it was fir less than an hour)

She started new meds end of yr10. They seem to be he slowly working.

She hasn't sh or attempt on her life for a month. She now seems ti be struggling with feeling better, it's like she built her life/self around being mentally unwell and is finding it really hard ti accept that she is getting better.

Fingers crossed she will make it in today

Runner Zoo I hope today goes as smoothly as possible. Be kind to yourself today.

Welcome Twinkle. Did DD receive medical needs EOTAS tuition last year, and does she have an EHCP?

Bubbles you don't need to pay for Interhigh. The LA have a statutory duty to provide a suitable, full time education to CSA pupils unable to attend school. That could be online, home tuition, hospital school, small group tuition depending on individual needs. If the LA refuse to provide education you can begin Judicial Review proceedings to force them to.

Don't wait until after you have seen CAMHS to apply for an EHCNA. Waiting delays DD receiving adequate support. If you don't have to appeal the process takes 20 weeks. Unfortunately, many parents do have to appeal, some multiple times, in which case it takes a lot longer.

Being academically able is of little use if your DC can not function in everyday life. Academics and qualifications can come later if necessary.

We have been fighting for an ehcp for nearly 4 years.... nope no extra help for her the school are not interested at all (bar a couple of really fantastic teachers) and kept suguestions to homeschooling.. were in Surrey so ehcp is really hard to get as they delay everything fir as long as possible. We are currently in phase 2 of my latest application (parent one as the school won't apply) waiting for EP to assess..

Shes a very very bright girl, but missing huge chunks of her education.

She managed to be up fed and walked herself in this morning. :) 😀

Brilliant to hear good news this morning, Twinkle.

It is the LA who are responsible for providing education to pupils unable to attend school because of their ill health, not the school. If DD struggles to attend this year, push the LA for provision. If they refuse threaten Judicial Review. Usually the mere threat works, if it doesn't get in contact with SOSSEN for help with a pre-action letter.

The EHCP application process is governed by statutory timescales that you can enforce. Don't allow the LA to drag it out. What week are you on with the EHCNA? Are the LA sticking to the timescales? Have the LA requested advice from all the required services and have you requested other appropriate assessments? If you are refused appeal this time. The majority of appeals are upheld.

Leap I am in awe at your knowledge of the system - you are amazing! And simultaneously I am intimidated by what is needed, and so fucking angry that it is so hard. I am going to make a start.

Courts are so backed up here she would have finished school by the time it happened..

Her cbt therapist has just written a fantastic email in support of an ehcp ...listing all her issues individually, how the current environment impacts her and how a plan would be able to support her in a positive manner.

Just collected her from school, she had a panic attack, they pulled her in a room with lots of other children and no staff member.... a dozen or so text messages from her an 2 calls to the school later I collected her