Parents of anxious kids/teen support thread(part 4)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Hi everyone
I cannot believe we are moving onto a fourth thread!
This is open to anyone looking for support or advice with a child or teen who suffers from anxiety
This is a long running thread and we have some popping in and out,some long term and some who just dip in for advice- all of these are just fine!
We understand the challenges of raising anxious children and how small wins matter(to others they're nothing special,and many are rude enough to say so!)and the sheer exhausting all consuming efforts that parenting very anxious children can entail
Only thing we ask is that others are respectful and kind.all situations are unique ,and there's no judgement allowed

His primary is ASD I believe

Oh zoo, I feel overwhelmed reading your message no wonder you are in tears, it just so much to cope with. Just wanted to send a virtual hug.
No words to add to jumps good advice but would definitely request an ECHNA for DD.
I used the model letter on the ipsea website and sent to LA ( but im sure you know about that already !)
Its brilliant DS has done so much work onlne and got attendance awards, hang on to that positive, is there anyway you can look at school they recommend? SS being full seems a common theme. In my area there are hardly any LA funded SS, most are independent and can say they are full.
Can you go out for a walk or something to give yourself a breather?
I hope hpv injection goes ok, would writing down answers to her questions help so she can refer back to it?
Hopefully things will be calmer tomorrow, having one DD with severe anxiety is draining goodness know how you cope with 3 , you are doing an amazing job 💐

I've just had a call from current provision.theyre saying provision I wanted(and they said they could take him when I checked if lea funded it) currently have no year group for him
They have made it very clear for a number of months current provision cannot meet need academically or geographically given they have recently changed trusts and will have no online provision in September for him and agree he will not cope with the travelling which incl traffic will be 90+ mins daily

I should add they've be batting this to lea for a number of months they cannot meet need for D's

Runner not all independents can say they are 'full' without proving incompatibility. Only wholly independent schools. Section 41 independents and non maintained special schools are considered the same as LA special schools.

Zoo ARP = additionally resourced provision i.e. a unit attached to a MS. DS's primary need (which should be in the EHCP) may be ASD but what primary need do the ARP specialise in? Or is it a catch all?

You need to push for more information. Make a SAR request for the schools' responses to the consultations. Is it that your preferred placement is a newish provision and the first cohort through are younger than DS? Or they haven't got a year group purely by chance - in which case it's irrelevant as long as there's a peer group via other years? Have you got it in writing the current school can't meet needs?

Follow up telephone conversations with emails.

You will have to play about with search terms on google. If you can't find anything and want me to try PM the name of the school the unit will be at, its primary need, and which of the 2 areas you are now in.

You can't just refuse and keep looking for another school. You either need to send DS to named school (it's not a matter of accept as such as the LA don't need your permission to name it), appeal or EHE (which at the moment you would need to ask the LA for permission). The vast majority of LA's will not pursue legal proceedings if you are appealing and don't send DC whilst doing so.

The first cohort of year 10 in this sept,he will be year 11jump,so hes a year in front of them opening up year groups.I did check prior to naming them that they could cater his year group and person I spoke to said yes

All I can find is info on public consultation..it has potential to take 20,although I think initially 10 students.its classed as esmh setting but will be taking ASD and I'm assured no major behavioural not that I take anything I'm told as gospel from local authority in expectation of integrating into mainstream school.we were told by former school Sen lead he would never cope with returning to a secondary mainstream environment as "he has worst anxiety we've ever had where even in unit he's so distressed with just a small handful other students present(averaging 3-5,that changed depending on day/lesson)

That complicates matters. Unless repeating Y10 (which wouldn't be a bad idea with GCSEs) it doesn't sound feasible or able to meet DS's needs.

Is your preferred school planning on offering GCSEs? Do they have the teachers to teach the GCSE courses? Will they be teaching the current Y9's GCSE content next year. And have they registered as an exam centre? A couple of posters on the SN section had/are having a nightmare with their DC who are in the first cohort through their special schools.

Can you speak to the staff member that is head of the unit? Secondary SEMH ARP pupils are unlikely to have VCB. I wouldn't worry to much about the OFSTED rating, the recent monitoring visit shows improvement and a new head. 4 places per year is average in ARPs. Your argument about not doping with 3-5 other students isn't helpful if you want a special school as their classes will be at least that.

Ask if the ARP is up to Y13 or will DS need to move again for Y12? If you do appeal one argument could be the need for stability following MS, HOE and current provision.

Viking if you're lurking I hope you are all coping OK.

I was told repeating a year doesn't happen as often this means can technically leave school before the exams are sat so tend to focus on pushing thru core subject with option to do others once gained

I spoke to iass today.they said ring current senco unit and ask about what they are suggesting they could have in place for D's/how they intend to support him

I also emailed children's support services as I cannot remember or find any paper trail/emails who/where we were referred to took after our caseworker went on maternity leave and iass informs me camhs requesting who team lead is would be them!
Given a mobile number and a name,I'm still not sure whom the service is so I text a message asking to arrange a time to speak

Feel bit better,like I'm being proactive rather than reactive now
Still suffering headaches post jab.todays is like a migraine (in one eye,like too much lights go in that side) not fun.

Have been resting about 11/2/has short nap(lil zoo has bad head and tired after HPV vaccine yesterday so not in school/need collecting as the immortal words"I don't care about tech just want go back to bed" after I woke her for school signed the deal of a day off🤣she's not asked laptop or phone and slept all morning)
We have a team meet catch up with ED team this afternoon at 4 which aint go be pretty as she refusing plan and doing her own thing since staying at dd1.breakfast sometimes happens.no snack,only eat certain thing at lunch,no fluids til after school.pretty much back to square one as dd1 allowed whatever made her happy...
Anyways best get up ,find some half decent clothes and log in..

I'm struggling with abbreviations again..vcb?

Very challenging behaviour

VCB is violent and challenging behaviour.

Without an EHCP resitting the year isn't favoured because of the reason you state. However, with an EHCP this isn't the same. EHCPs can last until 25, and many sit GCSEs post 16 - whether they officially repeat a year or not. There's no reason DS can't be admitted to your preferred school out of his chronological year.

I hope Children's Services can help you. If DS hasn't had an assessment by the disabled children's team he should have one. You should have a carer's assessment by adult social care too.

I'm am assured no violent children being included in the unit.its more for highly anxious academic kids/ASD anxiety than anything behavioural

How's everyone's weekend going?

Da becoming highly stressed.he did stay over at dd1 Friday night which was a break for us allhe admitted glad to be home yesterday.hes been quite cuddly and is start go off his food in the evenings/want cold dinners as anxiety creeping up and he tends feel hot when stressed

Dd2 not really faring at all well.i need pull up my big girl pants and put in firm boundaries for her as she has no control with tech and scrolls way toouch.then when I remind her she needs be "doing" stuff to ease anxiety she shouts she overwhelmed and do best she can.what really needs do is practise breathing/relaxation at intervals in the ay and focus on hand and eye stuff like colouring/drawing /puzzles etc that are giving her mindfulness...

zoo- I admire you pulling on big girl pants and limiting tech, that is always a bugbear in our house! pleased you are feeling more proactive than reactive now. I''m keeping everything crossed for you. I have definitely been veering towards reactive in the past week, just been very hard juggling everything and running on empty it wears you down and tends to make me over emotional. At least my DC had the good manners to have their crisis's one at a time- goodness knows how you cope!
DD hasnt been in school at all now for over 2 weeks and we are struggling to break the cycle, her mood is now lifting and she went to the shops on sunday-the first time she had left the house for 2 weeks so that is positive .
We heard back today re EHCNA, LA have agreed to issue EHCP which is a great step forward but predictably are recommending mainstream and tbh I dont think mainstream will meet her needs, as I am sure is the case for many others on here. They have limited time and resources and DD finds the environment stressful which is a barrier to her attending and even if they mange to get correct support in place they cant change that and if I cant get her there then we will fail at first hurdle so I am considering going to tribunal.
They have told me it will take 2 weeks to issue draft plan by which time all the schools will be shut for summer making it harder for me to get advice , I am wondering if this is deliberate! They have already gone over statutory time frame. Any advice on next stage gratefully received!

Runner that's not good enough. Don't allow the LA to get away with unlawful practices. Write requesting the draft within 5 working days otherwise you will begin Judicial Review proceedings as they are frustrating your right of appeal.

The draft must not include a type of placement! When you receive the draft you will get 15 days to make representations and name your preferred placement, this can be a SS. Do you have a school in mind? Don't wait for the draft to start looking.

When you get the draft go through it with a fine tooth comb. All SEN needs should be in B, and each need should have corresponding provision in F. Anything that 'educates or trains' should be in F, that includes SALT/OT/any specific MH therapies.

It is vital section F is detailed, specific and quantified. If it's not the EHCP won't be worth the paper it is written on. You would not be able to guarantee provision will be provided, and there would be nothing you could do to enforce it. Ensure there's no vague or woolly wording such as 'access to', 'would benefit from' or 'or equivalent'. Nothing should be left for the school to decide.

If you are heading towards tribunal what are the assessment reports like?

SOSSEN have a draft checking service.

Jump-Thank you for your advice, I am alternating between feeling angry and proactive to tearful and overwhelmed.
I have emailed them as you suggested but wimped out at threatening judicial review as I dont really know what this is or how I would do it!
I will get some advice when I do get draft to make sure wording is correct.
DD still not in school, I suspect she has decided she is not going in for the rest of term, she is very withdrawn senco tried to speak to her to encourage her and get a plan in place to try and get her into school, we are going to try small steps approach suggested in group therapy, drive to school out of hours sit in carpark for 5 mins go home, drive to school in school hours sit in car park for 5 mins go home, drive to school get out of car walk to reception go home, you get the picture.. I want to do everything I can but I feel like screaming in frustration.
I think she needs specialist provision but am struggling to find a school. We found one that seemed like a really good match for DD but it is independent and they are full. Hardly any LA funded schools and those that are arent a good fit.
Ed Psych report says she needs individual or small group support totalling 6 hours a day and that the larger school environment is overwhelming for her .SENCO was surprised panel didnt recommend specialist she says they will struggle to meet need. I know we are going to have to go to tribunal as usual you have to fight for everything

SOSSEN's guide to JR. I would suggest threatening JR as the mere threat usually works, then if that doesn't work getting in touch with SOSSEN for help with a pre-action letter.

Is the school wholly independent or a section 41 independent? If the latter or a non-maintained special school they are treated the same as LA schools, therefore being 'full' is not enough of a reason to refuse to name your preference. You only need an offer of a place if it is wholly independent.

If the LA EP has written that, listen, they don't write such things unless they believe specialist is 100% necessary. Mainstream can not provide that. Small group needs to be more specific. It is open to interpretation, and your definition will be different to the LA's.

Just checking in
Lots family problems here at mo
Hope everyone's ok

Hi Zoo, hope you and everyone else is ok. We had a good weekend, DD actually went out with us:) still no luck getting her to school though.....
Jump- thank you for link, had a reply from my original email and head of service said they cannot get draft within 5 days but will get it to me quicker than 14 days.
LA have told me when I do get draft I can only ask them to consult with one school to see if they can meet need and have a place, if they dont then I get a second choice but only if first one I name says no, this could take ages-Im not happy about this as it seems discriminatory, normally as a parent you could visit several schools and then make am informed choice and specialist schools wont allow you to visit unless LA send draft EHCP and some wont even talk to you until that point, so its like the system is trying to thwart you:(
If anyone has had to fight to get a specialist school it would be really helpful to hear your experiences and tips

runner lots of sen schools added virtual tours on websites when we were looking.at least gives you some "feel of the place"

Also is end of summer term easier or harder at yours?
Lil zoo hates the uncertainty as they add in trips she won't attend so stresses over those left behind arrangements,applied days
Ds a bag nerves as he knows big changes are afoot.no work to do from online school as only staff member free for online now on paternity leave.a "project" was given- he completed in 3hours..

Inclusion officers coming next Wednesday to say goodbye so "he doesn't feel abandoned"(too late the switch of trusts has left him without any contact the staff he had built bridges with and promises made were then broken about still trying to set aside time/keep him in touch with kids he had chatted to during lockdown)
I'm taking him to well being at church today.hes very anxious but I know it's super important he starts social contact.uts almost all returned ladies which are his "easiest" group to mix with as they are predictable,don't make sudden movement or shout and are always receptive to being talked at🤣
He's going to take one his Kirby rosanes colouring books

Zoo, that sounds really difficult. Its so demoralising when the person they have slowly built up trust and a relationship with can no longer be there for them and you are back to square one.
Sounds like the church community is supportive so Im glad youve got that.
Yes had a look at some virtual tours which are helpful but really not the same and tbh its the staff that are the most important so be good to also be able to talk to schools.
I agree change of routine is hard, things that most people would find exciting or enjoyable can send anxious dc into a downward spiral. DD is ALWAYS ill on non uniform days for example.
She has managed to go into school for 1 hour to do drama- her favourite lesson. First time shes been into school for over 3 weeks so big step. Feeling a bit sick waiting for her to come out, just heard its a cover teacher not her normal teacher. Fingers crossed its going well!

Zoo I hope Church goes well.

The LA are talking nonsense Runner.

Once you have made representations and named a preference the LA don't have a duty to seek further views or preferences. Unless the school is wholly independent the LA can only refuse to name your preference if they can prove one of the following:

• The setting is unsuitable for the age, ability, aptitude or special educational needs (“SEN”) of the child or young person; or
• The attendance of the child or young person would be incompatible with the provision of efficient education for others; or
• The attendance of the child or young person would be incompatible with the efficient use of resources.

Even if the school objects they can, and must, name your preference.

The LA can not use consulting schools to drag finalising out. The timescales are statutory. If your preference isn't named push the LA to finalise and appeal. Going back and forth gets you nowhere.

Independent (section 41 and wholly independent) and non-maintained special schools are more likely to be open to conversations and visits than LA SS. Especially if you push.

Hopefully drama goes well for you.

He did really well jump
We can de mask once seated,but we chose keep them on as he's asthmatic and very body aware
He managed an hour sitting at bunch tables together,me chatting to the two ladies on ours.there were 20+ people in the hall(well spaced) so quite lot noise compared to home.he said after fact knew everyone and church familiar helped a lot
He's very strung out now though

Hi all - jump thank you for the kind shoutout further up thread .
I hope you’ve been ok?

zoo, how exhausting trying to find an appropriate placement for DS. It’s wonderful he managed well at church- that is quite a positive!

DC still bringing it with varying challenges. I’m back at work (physically) 50% of the time, which is good for my MH but worry about the boys when I’m there. Summer holidays and nothing to do. A few summer camps have re-opened but naturally the demand is so high it is near impossible to get a space. DS2 bored out of his mind and getting depressed. I’ve offered to do various things with him but he only wants to hang out with his age group. I’ve mentioned connecting with classmates but he said no. He wants to learn to skate board but there is only one club I can find with a week’s classes in August and he doesn’t like the age group (8-14 - he is turning 13 in August). He’s being very particular, not so much due to ASD but to feeling down/puberty.
DS1 - we're still coping. Trying to steer him towards a useful qualification (“I just want to be famous ”). He is behind in obtaining his high school credits and needs another year (IF we don’t run into problems).

I’m aware my family think I enable or treat my kids with kid gloves. It’s so frustrating. I probably do to an extent, but am always looking at the end game. I try to be proactive with their MH, and continue to try to keep them on track towards independence and a job.