This day is so long already.

[OhYouBadBadKitten]

Woke up at 3:30am - pain and racing mind. I can't go back to bed because of see above and I have online work meetings anyway on and of until mid evening. Then its bed and another night of not sleeping. How are we only three hours into my day?

I can't settle long enough to focus on anything and I just cry instead. My poor poor family having to put up with me. I wish I could go away, so that I wasn't making things worse for them.

dh will be up soon and he will look all worried at me and I can't bear that.

Thank you for asking Tokyo :)
Less bleak than yesterday, which is a massive improvement. But the new medication didn't help as much with sleep as I'd hoped. Woke up at Midnight in pain, convinced that surely it was a full nights sleep. Then tossed and turned for the rest of the night trying to find a comfortable position. But I did get some sleep in between.
So I'm just flat and tired today. But the sky is blue and the woodland is calling to me, so I'm going to get out for a walk.

Sunny skies! Yay. Not here, mind.

Perhaps the meds will improve over several nights? I take amitriptyline which took a bit of getting used to.

PS. If there's codeine in the meds drink lots of water and take fibregel or eat flax seeds or something!

That's good that things are a bit less bleak at least and maybe the new medication will build up and help a bit more. Fresh air always helps too!

I agree with you @TokyoSushi, medication takes time to be properly assimilated into the body, Kitten, so don't feel concerned if you don't see an immediate improvement. Also, it sounds like this is an ongoing situation and that your sleep pattern has been disrupted. It can take a week or two for sleep to settle down.

Do you like any herbal sleep aids like camomile tea? That has helped me a lot, it's now my Lockdown remedy. There another one called Pukka Night Time in a dark blue box that's very soothing.

Codeine - yes, that is a bit of an issue! And lansoprazole for the nsaids. Its all killed my appetite. My sleep pattern is very broken. Im afraid to go to sleep because of pain. In general I have a pretty good sleep hygiene thing going on. Headspace do some soothing sleep things.
I could re try some herbal tea - anything that I can use to create a positive association with sleep.

I need to use the days that I'm not so low to implement the tools I have that will get me out of this hole.

Family walk today. Heading out to somewhere dd hasn't been to since she was young, it should help us all.

I’ve been thinking of you and popping back to thread OhYouBadBadKitten I confess especially when trying to figure out whether driving from Cornwall to Sussex will be possible next week (allowed reason I promise) given increased weather.

I hope you are out having a lovely walk.

When are you going Neome?

I had a really good walk thank you.

dd is like some sort of miraculous goat and managed to bounce off a floating log on a large but innocuous looking puddle with just wet ankles. She warned me not to step on to it because it was floating and she was worried about me making things worse by falling. So I decided to wade through. But the puddle was unexpectedly literally knee deep mud and water. Like dry land and then the next step was into the abyss. All we could do was laugh hysterically as I stood there wondering how the hell to get out.

I don't think I've actually properly laughed in such a long time and with that and Handford. I'm extra sore now, but it was so so worth it.

That's a wonderful picture, Kitten! Glad you had a good walk. I got up too late to walk the dog today, but I walked on the trampette all through and episode of Catherine the Great.

Can you doze in the day? Is that allowed? I think sometimes we get over tired and past sleep. I like a bath and a doze, when I'm sore. But I usually sleep ok even if I've napped- thanks to amitriptyline and Fibro!

That was an efficient use of Catherine the Great :)
I fought past the very strong urge to nap. I'm a bit worried about making things worse, but perhaps you are right, perhaps I've reached a toddler stage of being too tired to sleep.

You have made me really grin OhYouBadBadKitten and why don’t I go for walks on a trampette picklemewalnuts?

My original plan would have been driving Cornwall to Sussex on Monday but I’ve put it on hold.

Do you think Wednesday or Thursday would be sensible?

I hope you got some sleep 🌌

I think either day should be ok Neome, but I'd pay attention to the forecasts closer to the time. Snow is annoyingly unpredictable.

I did get some sleep. Although I woke up in pain frequently, I was able to shift into a more comfy position.

I assume you've been down the mattress topper route? We have separate duvets now because I used to sleep badly and DH grabbing at the duvet/sheets all the time woke me up too much. He still thrashes and wakes me up- I sometimes wonder if I'd sleep without amitriptyline in a single bed! It's a pointless question- it helps the aches and pains, and they'll have to pry it out of my cold dead hands!

I hadn't thought about a mattress topper. That's an interesting idea. Our mattress is pretty new and under normal circumstances pretty perfect for us. I'll take a look. Thanks!

Thank you so much OhYouBadBadKitten good luck with the mattress topper investigation ☁️

I'm having a bad day. Keep crying in between meetings and work. This is ridiculous.

Oh dear! It sounds as though you need a early long break. You're self employed though. Is there anything you can reorganise that would help? Can you get help in at home, so you only have work to think about?

Is there somewhere else you can sleep that may help you rest better? In a reclining chair?

((Hugs)). I'm sorry.

I really do need a proper break. Unfortunately we don't have the space here for anywhere to sleep elsewhere. I've tried on the sofa - but it is too narrow.

I've badgered the consultants secretary again. She is passing on the information.

I have got to snap out of this.

If shouting 'snap out of it!' was going to work, you'd be fine! I think you might need a plan. Ringing the consultants secretary is step one.

Can you schedule regular treats? Timetable your day into little chunks, broken up with treats- chocolate, a candle with a glass of wine, a bath, a walk on your own... whatever floats your boat.

Little things to act as stepping stones to get you from one moment to the next.

Bigger treats scheduled for the weekend- or whatever fits your schedule.

Look after yourself the way you would an overtired child- coaxing, rewards and cuddles rather than getting cross with yourself.

I think those are wise words. It is hard not to be cross with myself when I can see the impact I'm having on my family and my job.

I'm sure your family are just worried and sad for you- they know what you're going through and can't help.

This might sound mad, so bear with me! Sometimes the 'no end in sight' feeling saps us of resilience. Could you mentally nominate a day when, chances are, you'll have had your treatment and work toward that? Keep trying the consultant to bring it closer, but have a date in mind 'ah well, just got to hang in there until April!'. I think that can help the body feel a bit more settled, and resigned to coping.

I think that's part of the issue. I was very close to receiving treatment a few weeks ago and it was cancelled just before. That then happened again recently and I've been told now they can't guarantee any date because of covid. That's what I can't cope with, working my way up to something that will help, but be initially even harder with recovery then having the hope pulled from under me.
So twice I've been at 'just got to survive until....' then boom, hope gone.

There are some anti-ds which can help with pain and mood, amitryptilline as mentioned upthread and also duloxetine. In case those might be worth a try

It's a good call, I'm on low dose amitriptyline. I think the dose will need to go up. Thank you :)

I have used Benenden health in the past for varicose veins surgery when the NHS would not do it. They could be worth a try. It is a 6 month wait though I think. It would depend on the procedure. Hope you get it done soon.