Please HELP So Confused! I Have no idea what's going on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Gina1981]

This is my last resort - There must be someone out there that can help me!

Haven't been feeling myself for a long time now and have been through 1 hell of a year. Thinking it's some sort of mental health issue, i came here to find out if i could find any answers. TBH i'm very confused with all these abreveasions that everyone is using and don't really understand much.

I'm a mother of 2 and have never suffered with any mental illness in my life until last year when i had my 2nd dd. I was very confused anxious at the time and my doctor put it down to PND. I was put on AD's and within a couple of hours i reacted very badly with them that i ended up in hospital the next morning from having a panic attack put didn't know this at the time as i had never experienced anything like that before.

I was then given more drugs, diazpan and sleeping pills with a different type of AD. I then became like a zombie and was unable to look after my 2 dd. Within 2-3 weeks i had experienced many unpleasant attacks to the point i didn't even remember anything until i had someone crush my chest to bring me round. I honestly thought i was being possessed.

It got to the point where i turned to my family and cried for help - i really was consedering sucide. I then saw a wonderful Consultant at the Priory and he ended my awful nightmare. He took me off all medication and i was back to my old self again and told me that i was suffering from rare side effects from the cocktail of drugs that i was given and that i was never depressed in the first place. He suggested that i may have been suffering from anxiety.

The last year has been tuff with DD2 not feeding well (doc's put it down to reflux) and went through a series of investigation.

DD2 is 1 now and still hardly eats or drinks. But i can't cope with this as it's impossible to feed her and very stressful. I don't get any help from my partner and at my wits end - i'm over weight, my friends have practically dissapeared off the face off the earth and all i seem to do is shout at everyone and am always miserable. Awful things run through my mind, that i'm too embarressed and ashamed to say. I admit that i am very unhappy with every aspect of my life and no matter how hard i try to change things i fail over and over again.

It's nothing like what i went though last year but thinking now am i depressed or suffering from something? Is there anyone out there that can help me or give me some advice.

When you think life is just getting a little bit better it alls go back to sqaure one.

Sorry i haven't posted but life just seems to want to through more shit at me! i would just love to wake up one morning in a totally differnt life and take my 2dd with me! Talk about being stabbed in the back - at a time like this you really know who your real friends are and who are willing to bend over backwards to help you.

Anyway as you have probably gathered the last couple of days have been really crap and to be honest my attitude has changed completely! I realy can not be bothered with anything anymore. I do wonder that if i were to disappear that if anyone would even notice!

Have you ever been in a crowd and you've been contributing to the conversation and no one is even listening to a word you saying. You could probably strip and still no one would notice that you were standing there naked!

Gina, sorry to hear you were having a crap day yesterday, I just got back from being away. Are you around tonight? How are you getting on?

Gina this may sound a bit cliched but people on here would miss you and do care but we are not there in the real world with you.

I am really sorry to hear you are going through a bad period at the moment, what has happened to make you feel like this? have you told someone how you feel and they haven't been very understanding? sadly there is still a stigma attached to mental illness and people seem to be scared by it, personally I don't think the media help matters.

I have had clinical depression for 10 years and find that when I start to get my life back on track something no usually somebody tends to come along and knock me back again.

Please just hang on in there and I'm sure somebody will be around if you want to talk. I tend to be in and out but do check the boards.

take care x.

Just hoping you are doing ok, come back if you need a chat.

Thanks constancereader - need more than a chat! Have had a terrible weekend, probably the worst weekend i've ever had!

Things are just getting worst and i'm not coping with anything at all. I just want a rest and be left alone for a long time! I wish i could hibinate for a year or 2 and wake up and all my problems would have disappeared. Wishful thinking!

I guess the only good thing that has happened in the last week is that i have lost half a stone.

Hope everyone else is ok! xxx

Do any of your friends have babies? My friends are the exact same by the sounds of it, dd came along and now I am invisible/vanished of the face of the earth. I never see them anymore and they hardly ever invite me out Was just moaning to dp last night about it as my phone NEVER rings, his mates still phone him once a week and invite him places etc so he tries to make me feel unreasonable but they honestly dont phone at all. I think I need new friends
I even started a college course in the hope of meeting new friends and it was awful, the being in a crowd with nobody listening certainly comes into mind, tried my hardest and noboy was interested. But then I have lost a lot of confidence so maybe it was just me I don't know.
I've now dropped out my course for just now and a Tuesday is my day, dd goes to nusery and I spend a day on myself with no responsibilities. Think today I will go for a walk, get some lunch, come home and fake tan Also going to enquire about a step aerobics class in my local leisure centre, hopefully meet new friends and get into shape! Another little bit of me time would be great and I keep hearing that exercise makes you feel better. Are there any local gyms near you? They usually do woman only sessions etc and meeting new friends and toning up a bit could make you feel a bit better about yourself? At least I hope it will
Still feel crap a lot but hoping my confidence will return soon, I really don't want to go to gp as I find them very patronising and usually they just dish out a-d's straight away which I really really want to avoid!
God think I've went on a bit there, sorry if it doesn't help but just wanted to say it's perfectly normal to feel like this, it's very common when you become a parent. Hope things get better soon xxxx

Hi Gina, sorry but i dont have time to post much but i read through your posts quickly and saw you were having a shit time. Have you been back to your doctor at all? I think you need to stamp your feet at them to be honest - i think you are battling with something quite overwhelming here and you cannot do it on your own.

You are definately not alone with the feeling invisible feeling though - i am just about to take DD to M&T, i hate this particular group, very cliquey and despite the fact ive been going there for over a year i just dont fit in. Trouble is DD loves it. On the upside i go to some lovely groups on other days and they are a real life line. I attend a general one run by homestart and its nice because they have volunteer and paid helpers who are there without their children and they really make an effort to ensure everyone is included. None of the other mums have problems that i am aware of (well we dont tend to say - oh hello i'm LEM and as batty as a fruitcake!) and it just has a lovely atmosphere. Trouble is, when you are feeling as shit as you are just now, its difficult i know, so im not going to lecture you about "getting yourself out there" but i am going to kindly nag you to go back to the doctors, if they are crap, ask to see someone else.

to you]

Gina I just wanted to stop by and say hi before I go out and send you a really big hug as I can see you are going through a really bad time at the moment.I also agree with the comments made by Lucyellensmum and Dee24, personally I believe the hardest time to ask for help is when you need it most, at my lowest it was a real effort to make a cup of tea let alone find the strength to talk to my GP and tell her how I was feeling, do you have someone who can go with you if you can not face doing it on your own.

I'm a mumsnet member but I can not have children but feel I qualify because I've spent more time with my young nieces than their parents have during the past few years, I can not work due to serious ill health but my family treat me like an unpaid babysitter and only acknowledge me when they want something. I know that invisible feeling well but with me its my family particularly my mother I would be rich if I had a pound for everytime I have said to her are you listening to me - after a very stressful weekend I've given up because she just isn't going to listen to my opinions however assertive I am and all I end up feeling is very upset and angry.

Please don't feel embarrassed about posting, I reply because I care and because I want to, at the moment just take it an hour at a time and hang on in there, were here if you want to talk but please try and find the strength to talk to someone and ask for help IMO posting on here and acknowledging how you feel takes strength and courage and is not a sign of weakness or that you have failed but please take one more step and talk to your GP.

Take Care and Best Wishes x.

What happened this weekend Gina? Are you around today? Will keep checking today as I'm not going out.

Hi Gina - you OK?

Let me just start off by saying a BIG THANK YOU to you all for your time and support. I really appreciate what everyone is saying and totally understand what you are all talking about!

I know my GP can not help me and to be honest with you i don't know who can. I don't think i can even help myself anymore! By the sounds of it you guys are the only people that understand what i'm going through! After a while you become paranoid and you get your other half telling you that you are imagining things. I know i still have my marbles!

Dee24 i totally understood every word you wrote! The friends that i do have that have kids, tend to be so busy and always on the go, plus they don't have half the problems i have! I can't really be bothered to talk to them anymore as i have had enough about hearing that "i can't fit into a size 10 anymore" or "my dh didn't bring me flowers home this week". The moment i attempt to talk about the fact i have visited the loo about 5 times this morning due to my bowel condition they don't even bat an eyelid! If they think they have problems they should step in to my shoes just for 1 day and see how easy they have it.

As for all my other friends - well they haven't even come to see me since i moved in to my new house which was over 2 years ago. I only moved down the road - not a million miles away! DD2 was born last year and not even a phone call to congratulate me or card. DD2 is 1 now and still nothing. I've tried to call and text, but you get a bit tired of waiting!

I've even tried making alot of effort with the mums at my dd1 school but again, it's like i'm completely invisible. I'll say something and will be spoken over straight away! Like i said in a previous post I could probably strip and run around naked and no one would noticed!

Anyway i could sit here all morning going on and on but it only just reminds me of what a lonely and sad life i leed!

Oh Gina, please hang on in there. It is such a shite place to be. I dont think your GP can help as such, but he should, and must put you in touch with someone who can. They cannot leave you like this.

FWIW, don't think for one minute you are alone in feeling alone. Even those "sane" people "i certainly dont class myself as in that category" feel alone sometimes too. I was thinking about this today as i love being a SAHM but my god to i find the isolation hard to deal with. I cannot understand why i find it so hard to make friends, whereas at work i was the life and soul. The reason is, in the work place, you are with people with a common interest. At places like M&T you are with people who's only common interest is talking to someone, anyone, other than a two year old. Its difficult to locate the person you are going to click with. I dont think ive found her yet!!

Ok, so, i can't think of what more to say, but what is it you want? What will make you happy? Not in the big overall scheme of things, but think of something you might enjoy doing? Don't necessarily do it, but think about how you would feel if you were doing it. For me it is horse riding, i cant afford to do it now i have DD, and i dont have the time, but sometimes, it just helps to imagine being on a horse and imagining the feeling of galloping over the moors or plodding through a forest. I recall pleasant memories about stuff like that and think, yes, i will do that again one day, when i am ready i will make that happen. It gives me hope.

You are NOT alone, most of use who lurk on this part of the board are here because we either feel the same, or similar or have been there and want to help by passing on our experiences.

Do try to remember that you are not well, i can explain this for you in a bit more detail with regards to how ADs work etc if it helps.

The comment about the other mothers you know mithering on about trivial shite problems made me smile. At the moment my DP is doing a job for someone and they are pushing to get it done quickly (as there has been some delay, and they are not in the wrong as such) - the reason they absolutely must have their hallway looking pristine is because, you'll like this, "my wife is having a big party and we MUST have the place looking perfect, she is getting really stressed and upset because we are falling behind". I can promise you, when i was on the phone to this guy, it took every ounce of my being not to scream at him, "is that ALL she has to fucking worry about??? Let her come and be me for a week, let her try and caste the demons out of her head, whilst trying to keep the bailifs from the door, whilst trying to contend with a non sleeping two year old, whilst trying to hold it together for a DP who is also on the verge of a breakdown because of the pressure his bastard clients are piling on him to finish jobs quickly!"..........I mean, some people must have really shallow little minds if that is all they can find to be upset about! Of course this party may be really relevant to celebrate themselves getting over something really shit, but i doubt it.

Sorry, rant over

Hi Gina

I know your GP is useless for you, but are you getting any help for your bowel problem? It sounds like a nightmare, especially with children to look after. Illnesses that go on and on are very hard to cope with, especially as it seems people in real life are distinctly lacking in sympathy. Also is there any treatment you could have for your sleep paralysis?

Keep posting, we are all still here (eventually!)

Had to have a laugh at your post lucyellensmum about what your DP's client said. If that was me i would have had a field day with him! I explode so easily these days, where before i use to let some many things go over my head and laugh but now things like that make me angry!

I was diagnoised with Ulcerative Colitis over 2 years ago now and have a long family history of it. It's an auto-immune disease and unfortunately no cure for it! Medication has so many side effects which i tend to suffer with all of them. Just like when i took AD's last year and was told never to take them again!

Have been told that i will grow out of the sleep paralysis and that it will cause no physical harm. I had never heard of it but reading about it now, it actually happens to all of us once in our lives but for people like myself sticks around till one day it goes!

What i can't understand is that i have never suffered with any form of mental illness and why start now. I've actually had an assessment by the MHT and was told that all i need is counselling but (of course there is a BUT) the NHS don't offer counselling and therefor i have to go privately! All informed by my GP!

I've been through alot of shit in my life and more is being thrown at me day by day. It's not enough that i was bullied for over 6 years, emotionally and physically, then sexually abused, nearly losing my mum to UC which was induced by my idiotic father having an affair with a friend of the family and topping it all off getting the s**g pregnant. Oh no didn't stop there, for many years my dad used me as his personal punch bag everytime he decided to relieved some anger, especially when my gran said i had upset her. I remember the last time it happened - he had thrown a chair at me because he had stepped on an ink cartridge that i had left on the floor in my room.

Anyway i could sit here and ramble on and on but i leave that for another day.

I use to be so laid back and so much fun but since having DD2 and the year i've been through i don't even know who i am or what i want anymore. I'm so down about so many things that i don't know what they are as there are so many. I think my tolerance cup is full now and i really can not cope with anymore shit! Literally!

Gina, you have been through so much, you must be a very brave lady to still be holding your head above water. I cant think of anymore constructive advice to give you, but please know that i will check on your thread regularly to see if you need to offload again. So scary for you. Does your DH know how bad you are feeling this time around? Are there other GPs at your surgery you could talk to? That way you dont have to go through the rigmarole of changing.

Are you getting any support at all from the CPN, anything? You know you are going to have to stamp your feet soon, your children love and need you and you deserve to feel happiness.

Oh Gina, I am so sorry to hear about what you have been through in the past. Perhaps offloading here will help in a small way, just by knowing that we are here to listen and support you.

Have you tried posting on the Health Topic about your UC, just to see if anyone else is going through the same thing as you? Sometimes it is the support of those who REALLY know what it is you are suffering that is the most helpful to have. I have found this to be true in other areas.

Hi Gina - are you around next week? Maybe I could drive up to ewell and we could meet up (in the Spring or somewhere? or if you drive it might be nice to go to nonsuch park for a walk with all the autumn leaves???)

let me know, I've not got much on next week and haven't been up that way for a while, it'll be a pleasure. Maybe lauren could meet too?

Hi Captainmummy sorry i haven't posted but i have purposely kept busy this weekend to keep my mind off certain things!

Would love to meet up but this week i'm really busy! How about next week? xxx

Should be ok for next week - god I sound really idle! (I'll just fit in the cooking washing cleaning etc round my trips out ok?) - let me know which day is good for you and where you want to meet.
Clapham Lauren how about you? Got any time next week?

Hi Gina - I hijacked anothe thread with clapham lauren on it, and she suggests tuesday, as she's got a day off that day. How about you?

Yeah sounds good - let me know the plans (what time and where) and i'll be there.

Look forward to it xxx

Hi Gina - so tuesday Ok for you too> I have to drop dc off at school, so should be in the car about 9.30...I can be in ewell for about 10.15, say 10.30 allowing for traffic. Do you drive? Should we meet up in Nonsuch? They ahve a coffeebar in the palace, i remember (If it's still there) so that would be nice. Or is there anywhere in ewell? I don't know where else to park in ewell, except the library i think it is. (Oh and the homebase that used to be seymours garden centre!) Or shall I pick you up from your place? (Or we could bring biscuits to yours????) whatever you want to do.
I shall have to leave again at 12 latest to be back (i have 2 friends having birthday drinks at lunchtime here, which i forgot about but we can still have a good natter! Looking forward to it.

Hi Gina - can you email me on [email protected] re tuesday - I am going to drive up and park in laurens place (whereever that is!)

I have only just read the post - i'm so sorry but i can't do tuesday. God i feel awful now.

Have had a very stressful weekend and not been good at all and to top it all off am now suffering with a cold and can feel it traveling to my chest. Not feeling good at all. Chances are that my UC will flare up too, my immune system will be attacking my bowel as well as the cold.

I'm meant to be meeting up with a friend in Bromley on tuesday and thats only if i feel up to it.

Really sorry hopefully we can meet up soon xxx