I've barely left my house in almost 3 years

[Florafog]

...and I reckon at least 80% of that time I have spent zoned out in bed. I dread every single day and often wish I just wouldn't wake up (I'm too much of a wimp to kill myself).

I'm exhausted with life. I don't know what to do. I reached out to the doctor a few months ago and was offered ADs but I don't want to take them. I was given an online CBT thing to do but I get frustrated with it because nothing makes sense. I'm not sure what else to do. Is there any point going back to the doctor? I feel like I just want to call it a day because I can't see things ever getting better.

Well done you! I intended to paint my nails tonight. Not feeling motivated but even a coat of clear varnish makes me feel better. Self care is soo important.
Good luck tomorrow. Hope you sleep well and wake able to go out.

Enjoy your walk tomorrow OP. The long shower sounds like a great start. For me, it's the closest thing to massage and surprisingly feels therapeutic.

@Newmum2020F

The hardest thing about depression is getting yourself out of depression and personally from experience I did it by just starting with small tasks every day not overloading myself telling myself it's okay and then I slowly built myself up by waking up at the same time every day feeling tired but not going back to bed find things to keep you busy set yourself a routine and go out for a walk everyday it's so miserable at first and you feel like giving up but after a few weeks of consistent routine it then it gets easier and easier

Once I come out of the depression everything started to get better very slowly and I now am at the best point in my life.

Don't give up
GP's aren't worth the support with mental health (sorry but they made me feel more ill)
Look up The six rules of success on YouTube listen to it everyday it's such a good positive mantra to follow.

Don't be hard on yourself you can turn this around believing in yourself is key.

The world needs you don't be afraid I think with depression just remember you feel as if you have nothing to loose anyway so you may as well take risks and see if they work for you

All the best xxx

Sorry I do feel that I need to disagree with this post. Some GPs are terrible but some are very good- a lot of group practices have a gp with a particular interest in mh

Also don't think that watching YouTube videos about positive thinking is going to be helpful for a lot of people with depression

My GP is a superstar. I ❤️Her. And l see the mental health practitioner there. He’s also amazing.

I think Gp’s can be unbelievably helpful and really don’t agree with that comment about them.

I managed to get out for that walk today. I ended up walking the scenic route to town and did my supermarket shop instead of doing it online. I can't say I enjoyed it or not, it's really odd to walk around and feel very little. But it is a start and the pp who mentioned having a purpose is right, so for the time being I'll try and make a reason to get out other than to seek happiness, if you like. Maybe after a while I'll start to enjoy being outdoors again.

I've had quite a productive day in general. I was sent a link to Open University who are running loads of free courses so have signed up for it and started doing one of the courses today. I think I need to start using my brain again (hopefully it'll help with the fog and numbness) and start thinking about other things apart from being depressed. At least on my worst days where I feel I can't get out of bed I'll maybe be able to do some online learning.

I had a chance to read through a link a poster on another thread suggested re autism and I could have ticked almost all of the characteristics/ scenarios etc that was listed by the author. It was a bit of an eye opener and something that I think I need to investigate further. I have copied all of it onto a word table, checked all the one that apply to me and have started working through it to add notes to highlight how it applies to me and giving examples where I can. I'm not sure what I'm trying to achieve by doing this but I'm going to discuss it with Dr re getting an assessment, maybe I'll be able to show it to the assessment team or a counselor if it would help.

I've come to realise that I need to get back to work too. I really don't know where to start with this as I've been unemployed all this time. With the way things are just now I imagine it's going to be even harder. My entire work history prior to covid was in an industry that is now dead. There is so much competition for basic jobs that I expect that employers won't trust someone with such a large gap in employment. What do you even tell them? Unfortunately experience says that many are not as forgiving of mental illness.

For a change I feel genuine tiredness, not the usual depressive tiredness IYKWIM, hopefully it means a good night's sleep 🙃 I don't know where I got the energy or motivation from today, fingers crossed I can keep it up.

I hope everyone else is having a positive day.

Ps, I feel I need to show my GP some gratitude as he is the first Dr I've met in years who I felt wanted to get to the bottom of things. I initially went to him for something else and was blown away by the thoroughness. It was after that appointment that I decided to seek help for my depression after feeling fobbed off for years, and he didn't disappoint. I wish I'd met this GP sooner.

Would you lie in bed all day with a banging headache?

If Yes, fine carry on.
If No, get back to the GP, take the antidepressants.

You're doing a lot more each day OP which is great.

As for work, just lie through your teeth and say you were caring for a sick relative / went travelling. Get a basic back story for these scenarios prepared first. Don't feel bad about fibbing - needs must!

I’m so glad you had such a productive day. You should feel proud of yourself and I hope you sleep well.

Surely side effects cant be worse than how you feel now...or if they are then it will only be a few weeks to push through

For Gods Sake, see a doctor, take the pills.

Just thought I would mention the Blurt foundation online, do nice self care stuff which might help. Kind thoughts.

Well done, it sounds like you are really getting somewhere. Don’t give up, just keep going! I know it’s easier said than done, but just wanted to cheer you on x

@Florafog do you need to get back into paid work or could you volunteer? A charity wouldn't be concerned about your gap in employment history, it'd give you some purpose and might be a good interim step.

I hope you are doing o.k

I spoke to my doctor and I couldn't get out anything useful that I wanted to say. Never got a chance to ask about an ASD assessment as I mumbled my way through the call. I honestly fucking hate myself. I often freeze or lose the ability to speak and end up not getting to the point. It was a waste of time. I've been given access to Beating the Blues CBT and as before it makes no sense and feel like I can't do any of the 'projects'. Apparently I should feel better soon, as if an 8 week course is going to magically change the last 20 miserable years. I've really tried to do it this last few weeks but am getting nowhere and it's just adding to my sense of worthlessness that I can't do something as simple as thinking positively, if only.

But "I have to" complete this course or I won't be accepted for any other therapies. It doesn't help that the programme doesn't load half the fucking time or when it does it is slow to the point of frustration.

It's NYD and it's beautiful outside. I want to be out walking but only just managed to put my clothes on before going back to bed. I don't know why I even bothered. A new year and I can't see it being any different from last.

I really wish I had the courage sometimes.

Sorry for such a downer update, today of all days too.

Happy new year to you. Is there any hobbies you have?

Happy New Year OP!

Do you think you could write down what you've said to us on here, and give it to your GP so he can read it instead? It's normal to feel overwhelmed and not be able to articulate what you want to say, when you have him in front of you or on the phone. But maybe writing it all down for him might be easier.

Your earlier posts in December sounded really encouraging, I'd keep trying to focus on one small task each day. Especially if it takes you outdoors for a bit. I went for a walk this morning and managed to stare at some pigeons for about 20 mins. They were highly entertaining. It was the only (silly) thing I did outside today, but it made me feel a little better. Any parks or woods near your house?

Happy New Year, Florafog. I wondered if you can tell us a bit more about yourself. Where do you live - in a town, rural? A flat? What is the best thing about the place you live? Do you have access to a garden? Is there a park nearby?

Have you thought about moving into a house-share, rather than living alone?

Do you work from home or are you unemployed?

What food do you like? Can you cook at all?

Tell us about a typical day from start to finish!

Freezing is a trauma response... It's not a failure.

Childhood/complex trauma would explain a lot of what you describe as well as why things don't make sense and why you've not found standard approaches helpful. There are lots of traumatised people who get pushed through the depression/anxiety approaches and then labelled "treatment resistant" when they predictably don't help because they're not the right solution.

It doesn't take a huge calamity to end up traumatised as a child. It can even be from something like a mismatch of personalities between parent and child meaning the child's emotional needs aren't met. From the outside, complex trauma can look similar to ASD.

If you can go through the motions to get yourself into the system to be able to access more specialist support, it would be worth it for that rather than expecting 8 sessions of anything to be a magic fix. (Of course it wouldn't be other than for very mild problems, that's no reflection on you. It's very frustrating that it's how services are structured.)

It might be less frustrating and disappointing mentally to approach the CBT that way? As something you do to access the system rather than as your "only hope" of getting better?

You got dressed, you posted here. Those are victories. Trying to overnight be all super duper positive and optimistic about everything is not realistic or achievable. Cut yourself some slack. Being disappointed when you had to call upon great courage to contact your doctor and had high hopes is understandable.

If you feel up to it, googling Pete Walker and/or Judith Herman might not hurt.

I often freeze or lose the ability to speak and end up not getting to the point.

Fight / flight / freeze is controlled by a primitive part of your brain responding to potential threats in your environment.

It's not within your control and not something to hate yourself over. None of us can control that part of our brain when it's activated.

Things that help me - and I have to work at it, or I relapse;

Divide your day into half-hour slots. You don’t need to do it in advance, but say to yourself: I will do “this” for half an hour. Clean the bathroom, hoover the hall, make a cake, read Mumsnet, etc. It helps stop a whole day going by with “nothing” in it.

Secondly, one thing creative, one thing physical or one thing intellectual a day. Start small and build up. A walk to the post box. Read a book. Online art class. Etc. Aim to eventually do all three every day.

Thirdly, something in the community. Difficult in these covid times, but try. Volunteering. Community choir. Community garden.

@SillyOldMummy

Happy New Year, Florafog. I wondered if you can tell us a bit more about yourself. Where do you live - in a town, rural? A flat? What is the best thing about the place you live? Do you have access to a garden? Is there a park nearby?

Have you thought about moving into a house-share, rather than living alone?

Do you work from home or are you unemployed?

What food do you like? Can you cook at all?

Tell us about a typical day from start to finish!

Thanks for the replies.

To answer your questions @SillyOldMummy
I don't have any excuses of having nowhere to go outdoors. I live in a town by several country parks and a beach and live in a house with a garden. A house share is my idea of hell, I need quiet and privacy and wouldn't compromise on either. Not working at the moment due to Covid. And a typical day I wake up at 6ish, lay in bed until I'm bursting for the toilet then get up to go and then get a snack and go back to bed until I'm either hungry or need the toilet again before heading back to bed. Probably 23 hours a day in bed for the last year or so that I've been at my worst. On the odd occasion I go to the supermarket for supplies etc but that is it. Pre losing my job I'd go to work and then go home, eat, then go to bed and repeat for most of my adult life.

I don't have hobbies, to the poster who asked. I did used to force myself to take up hobbies and tried different things for years but never got any enjoyment out of them. I've given up trying with any of them as I just don't care enough anymore.

I would like to show my GP all of what I've written here but they are only doing phone consultations at the moment and have no email service so don't think that will be happening anytime soon. I worry that I underplay how bad things really are.

Tell us about your garden, what is it like? Have you ever tried to grow anything?

In terms of finding something to do - my local Freecycle team are often looking for admins who will review posts before they go up on the boards. It's something constructive you can do in bed, and gets you involved in a small community without actually having to meet anyone. Would something like that interest you?

Regarding looking for a job there will be literally thousands of people with a huge gap in their cv for 2020. Don't lie to cover the gap. Just admit you have been out of work and in your cover letter say you are incredibly keen to get back to work. Mention you have been doing online Open Uni stuff etc. Any human worth working with will NOT blame you for a period of reflection, depression and unemployment. They will just want to see someone keen and ready to work hard and learn.