I've barely left my house in almost 3 years

[Florafog]

...and I reckon at least 80% of that time I have spent zoned out in bed. I dread every single day and often wish I just wouldn't wake up (I'm too much of a wimp to kill myself).

I'm exhausted with life. I don't know what to do. I reached out to the doctor a few months ago and was offered ADs but I don't want to take them. I was given an online CBT thing to do but I get frustrated with it because nothing makes sense. I'm not sure what else to do. Is there any point going back to the doctor? I feel like I just want to call it a day because I can't see things ever getting better.

You need to go back to the GP and accept the help. That may well mean taking ADs.

why dont you want to take ADs? Life doesnt have to be that bad. You need to give yourself a fighting chance here x

Have you considered online counselling?

Thanks for the replies. I have tried a few ADs in the past and I couldn't cope with the side effects, I really can't face them again. I have thought about counselling but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to get out of it. I don't know where to start trying to figure everything out, I feel like I can't think or function like a normal person. I can't afford to pay for private sessions as haven't been able to work, is online counselling available on the NHS?

I will give my gp a call in the morning and see what he suggests.

Sorry to hear this. Do you live alone? I don't know much about ADs but do you think you gave them enough time, or persevered in finding the right one? I find it hard to believe that their side-effects can be worse than how you are feeling now. What self-care do you do? Nutrition, supplements, exercise, mindfulness exercises etc?
Have you had blood tests recently?

You can’t function like a normal person because you’re not well. It takes a few weeks to settle into a new AD and they don’t all suit everyone. (It was about 4th time lucky for me!)
Online CBT was offered to me. I chose phone appointments. I found it really helpful. But did need the ADs too.

OP, you might think that other people achieve good MH and happiness easily, but we don't. We all have to work at it. For example, I get very down if I don't get outside for a walk. I also need other people's company to feel energised. If I spend too long alone I sort of forget who I am. I have to take a handful of supplements a day to feel well and sleep well (vitamin B complex, vitamin D, magnesium, potassium and a multivitamin). I have cut down drinking alcohol to around twice a week max - otherwise I'm not productive and wake at 3am🤣. I have to list my blessings regularly to stay positive. I write lists of tasks or I'll just forget them. I think many of us have to work at it on a daily basis. It really doesn't come naturally to many of us.
Having money troubles doesn't help.
Keep chatting here. You aren't alone.

ow long have you persevered with the antidepressants? The side effects can be horrible for a month or so until your body gets used to them.

I find setting myself small challenges helps me feel more in control, yesterday it was as simple as breaking up all the cardboard packaging which has accumulated and putting it in the recycling. Small things like showering and getting dressed really make a big difference.

There might be free/ low cost counselling available through charities in your area, and almost all counsellors are working online or on the phone right now.

Thank you for the replies. I spent a couple of years trying a few ADs and I genuinely couldn't cope with the side effects, some of them were pretty terrifying.

I have been depressed since childhood and have gone through most of the motions of mental illness; anxiety, panic attacks, OCD, agoraphobia, suicidal etc and I'm at a point now where I feel absolutely nothing. I don't feel happy, or sad, or anxious, and I don't care about anyone or anything anymore. Just completely blank.

Up until I hit this wall 3 years ago, I was a relatively fit and active person with a decent job and had never been unemployed. Regardless of those things I could never shake being depressed. I went to the gym regularly and was still depressed; I got promotions etc and was still depressed; I had hobbies I did regularly and was still depressed; my diet is generally good but it made no difference.

I live by myself and don't have any family and seem to have gone through childhood to now without making a single friend, how sad is that, that I don't know any other living person? My mobile phonebook consists of the Dr, Council, dentist etc. Apart from school then work I have been living in isolation for decades and don't know how to do it differently; I can't remember not being depressed, so don't know how not to be. I've never had friends so have accepted that I'm not meant to have them. I think that's why I found much of the CBT stuff frustrating, because I don't seem to fit with any of it or can't apply myself to it as I just don't have anything else to make comparisons. I literally have nothing to be happy about (or even ok about) so when trying to think of positive things to refer back to, I can't think of one never mind the 5 the CBT suggested.

I'm stuck and don't know how to get out of it. I know it's my fault and that I can only get myself out but I have no motivation to get out of bed most days and the times I do manage, I can't wait to get back.

I've had all sorts of blood tests, and a few other things, which all came back fine. So I know it must be me and makes me feel like a fraud.

I think counselling is what I'm going to look into. I just don't know what to expect from it.

You might want to read up on autism in women, OP.

When you say online CBT, was it self help?

The NHS are now offering online therapy via NHS Attend Anywhere (basically secure Zoom). I would recommend you ask your GP to refer you to the CMHT (this is what it's called in Scotland not sure about England). They may attempt to refer you to PCMHT/IAPT but I would stress your long history of mental health difficulties, that you have not left your home in 3 years, and that you experience suicidal ideation. Tell them to specifically request online therapy in the referral. The reason I say push for CMHT not primary mental health or IAPT is that the CMHT has the flexibility to offer longer input, has lots of different types of professionals, and offers many therapies outside CBT that may suit you better. I can anticipate that you would likely end up linked to clinical psychology for therapy and to psychiatry to determine whether there is any medication regime that could help you (they have access to many more varied options and much more expertise than GP).

I do need to be clear that you can expect to wait around 6mo for NHS Mental Health input.

If you can afford private input I would seek a qualified Clinical Psychologist who offers a range of therapeutic approaches. This person should have a doctoral degree (if in their 50s or so this may be a masters as the qualification used to be a masters and be professionally registered with the HCOC).

If you feel you'd better benefit from a counselling approach (more talking it through), a qualified and registered counsellor. Counsellors should have a diploma, be registered with a national body, and have further training in specific areas.

*) and they should be professionally registered with the HCPC I meant to type

Hi @Florafog, i am so glad you are going to explore therapy, I had it years ago and at the time i thought it a pointless exercise but with hindsight it healed me immensely. The biggest think was it stopped me pointing the blame at myself and to accept what was going on around me and acknowledging what I could and couldn't change; I could change myself but not others! Sounds obvious but when you are in the thick of it, it's not easy!

I really hope you find peace, be patient and be kind to yourself as your statement I'm stuck and don't know how to get out of it. I know it's my fault and that I can only get myself out but I have no motivation to get out of bed most days and the times I do manage, I can't wait to get back is absolutely normal for where you are, but you cant do this alone and you need to consider a slow road to recovery, nobody learns to run a marathon overnight, so small steps. Good luck

The hardest thing about depression is getting yourself out of depression and personally from experience I did it by just starting with small tasks every day not overloading myself telling myself it's okay and then I slowly built myself up by waking up at the same time every day feeling tired but not going back to bed find things to keep you busy set yourself a routine and go out for a walk everyday it's so miserable at first and you feel like giving up but after a few weeks of consistent routine it then it gets easier and easier

Once I come out of the depression everything started to get better very slowly and I now am at the best point in my life.

Don't give up
GP's aren't worth the support with mental health (sorry but they made me feel more ill)
Look up The six rules of success on YouTube listen to it everyday it's such a good positive mantra to follow.

Don't be hard on yourself you can turn this around believing in yourself is key.

The world needs you don't be afraid I think with depression just remember you feel as if you have nothing to loose anyway so you may as well take risks and see if they work for you

All the best xxx

Thank you all for your responses.

I have requested an appointment with my GP, so hopefully I should speak to him today or tomorrow. I'm going to ask to be referred for counselling and to @Cailleach I am going to mention being assessed for autism too, I have often suspected this might be a possibility, as I often score high on the various self tests online but also a lot of the 'symptoms' make sense.

Thank you to everyone for your suggestions and support. I'm listening to all of it.

It's awful to hear you say you have nothing to be positive about when already from this post I can see you are:
Articulate
Insightful
Bright
Capable (if you've worked and had promotions in the past..)
You've survived (are surviving!) what sounds like major depressive illness and you've now found the motivation not only to seek support here but to contact your GP.

Just for a moment try to see yourself through the lens of us here, because I think you're remarkable.

I have two friends with major depressive illness (though one functions 'better' than the other). They both seem to think their illness means they are worthless and they can't connect with or accept they have any strengths but we can all see them as plain as day.

@GoldenZigZag

It's awful to hear you say you have nothing to be positive about when already from this post I can see you are: Articulate Insightful Bright Capable (if you've worked and had promotions in the past..) You've survived (are surviving!) what sounds like major depressive illness and you've now found the motivation not only to seek support here but to contact your GP.

Just for a moment try to see yourself through the lens of us here, because I think you're remarkable.

I have two friends with major depressive illness (though one functions 'better' than the other). They both seem to think their illness means they are worthless and they can't connect with or accept they have any strengths but we can all see them as plain as day.

I was going to write an almost identical post but GoldenZigZag puts it very well.

I'm sorry to hear your last three years have been so difficult. There is some great advice given by previous posters and I applaud you for calling the GP again and making first steps. I don't underestimate how hard that might be for you at this moment.

I'm so glad you posted OP and that you have taken the next step. You're not alone in this, I rarely leave the house these days and it's hard to talk about.

I also ended up frustrated with CBT and am now due to have my 3rd session of counselling today. It's brought me a lot of insight already and I really hope it does the same for you.

Thanks for your replies. Your comments are really kind @GoldenZigZag though I don't recognise those things at the moment. Why is it easier to accept criticism than genuine kindness? Something else I probably need to address.

Well, I'm dressed for the first time since Friday and was a little motivated to go for a walk but haven't quite managed to get outside the bedroom yet, nevermind the front. I don't know why I can't seem to open the door and just go. It's such a simple task.

I'm glad you are making some progress with counselling @rainbowninja it's reassuring to know it's helping. I know I'm not alone with this and appreciate everyones time responding. Though I can't say I'm glad or thankful that I'm not alone as others suffering I wouldn't want for anyone.

I get horrendous debility rating side effects from anti depressants too. 5 have made me worse, and 2 have given me anaphylaxis.

But there are others. Ones that don’t cause emotional side effects. Try Chlomipramine. I’m kind of at the end of anti depressants and consultant is talking about low dose anti psychotics which are used in these cases.

You need a pyschiatrist. Ask your doctor to refer you if you can

I know what you mean about how hard it is to get yourself out of the door. I often have to give myself a specific task, such as feed the ducks in the park, buy a nice coffee and sit on a park bench, walk 5,000 steps for the sake of my back. Perhaps you could come up with one reason or task outside each day and tick it off your acheved list. No pressure on yourself if you don't manage it. Every little helps.

You’re not alone OP. Can you open the door? You don’t have to go out of it.

I never managed to get out for that walk today. But I've just had a bit of an epic long shower and I feel better for it, I've even straightened my hair. I can't remember the last time I've done anything with my appearance. I've set my alarm clock for a bit early tomorrow morning and aim to go for a walk, I've got 2 routes in mind a decent distance one and one that is a little longer, if I can I'll try and push myself to do the slightly longer walk. I won't put any pressure on myself either way, whatever happens will happen.

I had a call from the Dr receptionist today and the soonest I can see him is 13 December 😣 it's a bit longer than I expected to wait, I was very motivated to get the ball rolling today. Hopefully I can keep that sense of drive a little longer.

P.s I like your username @TheDaydreamBelievers - maladaptive dreaming is another one of my crutches in life that I need to try and 'fix'.

Thanks @Florafog - we all need our coping skills and dreaming is better than many others. Hopefully therapeutic or counselling input would help you develop other more helpful coping skills, that also allow you to do the things you want to in life