Ending therapy

[nothingnessandeverything]

Hi, I just ended with my therapist via text - because I felt that I had become too attached and therefore wasn't actually dealing with anything I had initially gone to her for. I didn't tell her that was the reason for ending it.

She was cool about it. But I thought I would feel much better after shutting it down but now I just feel so sad and really regret doing that.

Can anyone else who has experienced this please tell me how long it took for you to feel better? It feels like a real breakup even though the relationship was completely one sided.

Totally regret even ever starting therapy. I feel worse than I did before.

Can you explore what it was about attachment that caused you to retreat..? In lots of modalities of therapy, it’s the relationship between therapist and client that allows a ‘safe place’ to effect change. The fact that you feel bereft suggests there was at some genuine relationship in place and I wonder if your fear of attachment might be a part of the wider issue..?

Can you make an appointment to discuss this with your therapist? What you describe is transference, it's common in therapeutic relationships, and your therapist can help you deal with it.

Please speak to her. It's natural to want to run away from a situation like this, but it's not the best way to deal with it.

I've done it with one via email and I was fine with it very quickly (I think he was more annoyed than I was!). I have emailed my current psychiatrist at least 20 times over the last few years to quit and/or take a break and rescinded it every time. At most I've had a week or two off. It's become a running joke between us now. I think it's worth talking with her and discussing the reasons why you did it; it doesn't have to be permanent either. My psych says people do it and then change their minds all the time. Just maybe not as often as me...

Thank you @MrsWooster and @Hayeahnobut. I have no idea what my problem is. I know for sure that it is transference, I just don't know why it happened. And I know I probably should have discussed it with her rather than ending it without explanation. But I really just couldn't bring myself to tell her. I planned to over multiple sessions then would never follow through and just end up talking complete garbage to her! Honestly can't even remember what I say in half the sessions, I'm sure I don't make sense a lot of the time.

I think I have struggled to say because I'm sure she hasn't noticed it.

I'm happily married with a small child and I don't think I give away any clues as to how I feel about her. So I think she would be shocked and find it a bit weird. Tbh I find it a bit weird!

Just really hope I don't spend the next weeks thinking about her. I feel like I need to snap back to reality!

Haha thank you @mynameiscalypso . Reading that brings me a lot of joy. She replied something like, it's fine to end it for now.

And of course I was thinking, she expects me to come back?

I think I'll be too embarrassed to ever return to her. I don't know this is just such a mind-f!!

I doubt she'll be in the least bit surprised or find it weird!

You're in reality, you don't need to snap out of this. If you don't feel able to say it to her, you can write it down, that's a really good way to open up a conversation.

@nothingnessandeverything

Haha thank you *@mynameiscalypso* . Reading that brings me a lot of joy. She replied something like, it's fine to end it for now.

And of course I was thinking, she expects me to come back?

I think I'll be too embarrassed to ever return to her. I don't know this is just such a mind-f!!

I totally get it. It's so weird isn't it; I think the therapist/client dynamic is strange at the best of times and throw in transference and it messes with your head even more. I guess what I'd say is that it's very very normal and your therapist will know how best to deal with it (plus don't underestimate the amount that most good therapists care about their patients, it's not totally one sided at all). Tbh, one of the reasons that I end up going back is that I know I still need help but I also can't imagine starting again with someone new and letting someone else in so the extent to which you want to 'deal' with this issue vs wait for it to pass (which it absolutely will!) probably depends on the extent to which you feel the underlying issues are still a problem. I don't know if that makes any sense at all?

Aww, thank you. I really do feel much better about it.

Maybe I'll go back to her in a couple weeks... or years 🤣 I just need to pluck up the courage.

It's a massive inconvenience, I just wanted to get help with one thing and now I've totally neglected that.

I'll maybe give it a few weeks and then try again. Hopefully by then I'll have the courage to explain so we can address that and move on!

Totally understand @mynameiscalypso . One of the reasons I delayed ending it with her each week is because I have never had a therapist like that before. I've never felt that anyone understood me so well, and I also definitely don't have the energy to repeat everything I have told her to someone else.

It feels pretty risky to feel so attached to someone like this though. Sometimes I imagine that she moves away, or retires early etc. I just hate the feeling that she can quit on me whenever she wants. Do you worry about that too?

I have not really dealt with my underlying issue well at all. And I know it won't go away on its own so I still need help with it.

@nothingnessandeverything

Totally understand *@mynameiscalypso* . One of the reasons I delayed ending it with her each week is because I have never had a therapist like that before. I've never felt that anyone understood me so well, and I also definitely don't have the energy to repeat everything I have told her to someone else.

It feels pretty risky to feel so attached to someone like this though. Sometimes I imagine that she moves away, or retires early etc. I just hate the feeling that she can quit on me whenever she wants. Do you worry about that too?

I have not really dealt with my underlying issue well at all. And I know it won't go away on its own so I still need help with it.

Weirdly, I have had three dreams this week where my psych did quit on me so it's obviously something that's on my mind! I do worry about it but I also trust that if that happens, he'll do his best to make the transition as smooth as possible for me. I try not to think about it too much though! I don't know what kind of therapy you're having but my psych is primarily trained in schema therapy which encourages forming an attachment so I also have to trust that it's part of the process. It is hard though.

I don't really even know what type of therapy I'm getting. She's well qualified and offers various types of therapy but we never really discussed what we were doing. I feel like we just started talking. I do about 90% of the talking which is why I know I have transference going on - I don't know anything about her, and I do well to resist asking (although I'm dying to know more).

She ended her reply by saying that she hopes I'm able to "make the changes of potential helpfulness". Do you understand what that means? I was tempted to tell her that I don't understand but it was hard enough to pluck up the courage to text in the first place so I just ignored ha ha.

I think worrying about them quitting is normal and very common. They hold all the power and its unsettling. But attachment is half the work, you don't really get deep enough into your issues if you don't trust them and you cant really build trust without getting attached. The amount of times my therapist has told me point blank 'you are not going to lose me. I'm not going anywhere.' And I still worry about it. I do believe him but its a very normal fear. I know its hard but you should contact her and ask to discuss it. Write it down if you think you can't bring it up and email it or take it in for her to read. Then you cant chicken out.

I've been with my psychodynamic therapist for close to four years. Forming an attachment is super common in therapy and no good therapist will think it's weird at all.

I know I have a very strong attachment to him, but because I was so dependent on him at one point it allowed me to become so much more independent.

I also have sent a few "I'm quitting" emails then a follow up saying please ignore.

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

I think worrying about them quitting is normal and very common. They hold all the power and its unsettling. But attachment is half the work, you don't really get deep enough into your issues if you don't trust them and you cant really build trust without getting attached. The amount of times my therapist has told me point blank 'you are not going to lose me. I'm not going anywhere.' And I still worry about it. I do believe him but its a very normal fear. I know its hard but you should contact her and ask to discuss it. Write it down if you think you can't bring it up and email it or take it in for her to read. Then you cant chicken out.

Thank you for this. I never have this fear in any other relationships in my life. I think it's just knowing that she's only talking to me because it's her job. It's a horrible feeling.

The last time I spoke to her I told her I was thinking about quitting but changed my mind because I didn't think I'd find another therapist as good and she did say "I'm not going anywhere". Which meant a lot but is still hard to believe!

@Orangecake123

I've been with my psychodynamic therapist for close to four years. Forming an attachment is super common in therapy and no good therapist will think it's weird at all.

I know I have a very strong attachment to him, but because I was so dependent on him at one point it allowed me to become so much more independent.

I also have sent a few "I'm quitting" emails then a follow up saying please ignore.

What do you mean it allowed you to become more independent?

I was SO close to sending a please ignore text right after!

Do you pay for her or is she NHS?

Im having a similar worry as I'm being moved onto a different service and the thought is terrifying. I can't get past that it's their job and not be attached

I know how this feels, I think I've had transference, and it sucks. I'm talking to my counsellor tomorrow and want to talk to her about it as I had it with a previous therapist who did CBT with me. I'm still feeling really sad about it, not sure why, and reading this thread has made me cry again! It is the weirdest thing to ever happen and just shows how the human mind still has some surprises for us. I have no advice, but I'd probably email back to restart the sessions and tell her, she can talk through it with you.

@Someone1987

Do you pay for her or is she NHS?

Im having a similar worry as I'm being moved onto a different service and the thought is terrifying. I can't get past that it's their job and not be attached

My insurer pays for her. I'm sorry that you are being moved! I hope it goes well for you and that they do everything they can to make it a smooth transition.

@Ingvermama

I know how this feels, I think I've had transference, and it sucks. I'm talking to my counsellor tomorrow and want to talk to her about it as I had it with a previous therapist who did CBT with me. I'm still feeling really sad about it, not sure why, and reading this thread has made me cry again! It is the weirdest thing to ever happen and just shows how the human mind still has some surprises for us. I have no advice, but I'd probably email back to restart the sessions and tell her, she can talk through it with you.

Reading this makes me so sad! I'm sorry it made you feel this way. I honestly feel like I can never see another therapist again because I worry that I will do the same thing again. It's hell honestly. I'm sorry you're going through this too.

Forming attachments is what humans do. Spending time with a person where you build a lot of intimacy in the relationship (as with a therapist) can be intense. Because your therapist most likely doesn’t tell you much about themselves, it’s much easier to project feelings and ideas on to them. Personally, I think you’d be unusual if you didn’t have some feelings for someone who has been important to you. I’d encourage you to try and have an ending session with her - maybe put the difficulties you’re having in writing if saying them is too hard? By the way, I’d bet she isn’t just being professionally nice. It’s a relationship on both sides and therapists have warm feelings towards their clients too.

@Craftycorvid

Forming attachments is what humans do. Spending time with a person where you build a lot of intimacy in the relationship (as with a therapist) can be intense. Because your therapist most likely doesn’t tell you much about themselves, it’s much easier to project feelings and ideas on to them. Personally, I think you’d be unusual if you didn’t have some feelings for someone who has been important to you. I’d encourage you to try and have an ending session with her - maybe put the difficulties you’re having in writing if saying them is too hard? By the way, I’d bet she isn’t just being professionally nice. It’s a relationship on both sides and therapists have warm feelings towards their clients too.

That is so nice for you to say! I most definitely think she is just being professionally nice because if I'm honest, looking from the outside, I think I'm quite annoying and probably am a bit of a nuisance to her! But she hides it well.

I agree part of the attraction is probably because I don't know anything about her, sometimes I think if I really knew her maybe I wouldn't like her at all! (Doubtful, she really is so lovely 😊)

Thing is, I started having therapy because I'm not coping with life, the CBT has helped me with so many things, I think most people who know me would say I'm better, although fatter, antidepressants have given me a serious appetite! But I think the CBT therapist is a victim of her own success, by being so kind and making me feel important enough to help, I feel like I've lost the kindest person in my life ever. As I said, I am talking about it with the counsellor tomorrow, hope we can work through it, as it brings me to tears.

@Ingvermama

Thing is, I started having therapy because I'm not coping with life, the CBT has helped me with so many things, I think most people who know me would say I'm better, although fatter, antidepressants have given me a serious appetite! But I think the CBT therapist is a victim of her own success, by being so kind and making me feel important enough to help, I feel like I've lost the kindest person in my life ever. As I said, I am talking about it with the counsellor tomorrow, hope we can work through it, as it brings me to tears.

I'm so sorry you feel like you're not coping with life. I hope your counsellor is good and is able to help you.

I also feel like, in ending it with her I have lost the kindest person in my life too. I don't know how she does it. I know it's her job to be understanding, supportive and reassuring. But I just wish people were really like that outside of therapy. The good thing is that since meeting her, I think I have started applying those traits to others around me, and I feel better about that. Although it's still a work in progress. I still think about myself too much and not enough about others. And I dislike that about myself a lot.

Good luck with your session tomorrow @Ingvermama . I hope you get some peace soon 🤍

Nothing it's so hard. I've just had a good cry in the bath! I do have a friend who is just as kind and we tell each other everything, she has helped me so much, but the difference is knowing the therapist listens to us as their career, my lovely friend is just that. I think I just want it to end, but there's some hard work to be done first. Another amazing person told me it will all work out in the end, and if it doesn't, then it's not the end.