Ending therapy

[nothingnessandeverything]

Hi, I just ended with my therapist via text - because I felt that I had become too attached and therefore wasn't actually dealing with anything I had initially gone to her for. I didn't tell her that was the reason for ending it.

She was cool about it. But I thought I would feel much better after shutting it down but now I just feel so sad and really regret doing that.

Can anyone else who has experienced this please tell me how long it took for you to feel better? It feels like a real breakup even though the relationship was completely one sided.

Totally regret even ever starting therapy. I feel worse than I did before.

We made that our family motto! And it brings me so much comfort. Your friend sounds gorgeous and it's so nice to hear that people like this exist outside of the therapy room.

I hope to be like your friend some day!

You haven't lost her yet. I really would try and discuss this with her. She honestly will understand. And I doubt she finds you annoying. Ime our therapists aren't nearly as hard on us as we are. Mine spends half the session defending me from myself. Write it down if you can't say it. I've handed my therapist my diary a few times when I couldn't talk about something without breaking down or getting defensive. I'm probably going to do it again on Monday because I'm an accomplished bullshitter. I talk and bullshit just spews forth. It's easier to be honest in writing and only takes a few seconds of bravery to hand it over.

People ARE like that outside of therapy. Its just that we only see them an hour a week. Anyone can be kind and understanding for an hour a week. She is just like everyone else. And everyone else can be like her. I think its when you start seeing other sides to the therapist and realising that they aren't always this perfect version of themselves that you start seeing that other people in your life have that kinder more understanding side too.

Sure he is understanding, reassuring, all that jazz. But he also has a penchant for weird socks, similar taste in furniture, a strange love of old man cardigans that I'm starting to find oddly comforting, and an evil sense of humour. He's just a normal guy. A kind caring man who has chosen to help people for a living but still just a man with the same flaws as everyone else.

I hang out on Quora a lot and a therapist on there was answering questions and I can't remember his name but he said something along the lines of "I know when my clients are ready to leave therapy because they stop seeing me as a brilliant, witty, charming therapist who has all the answers and start to see me as little more than a balding, overweight, middle aged Jew."

nothing was that a quote from Irvin Yalom by any chance? Sounds like his sense of humour.

Haha. I so wish that I could see her in a similar light as that overweight balding therapist 😂

I keep trying to remind myself of ex boyfriends or crushes that I was insanely attracted to once but that now have the opposite effect - even if looking at a photo from that time. So I do think that one day I might look back and wonder what I was thinking. That's the hope anyway!

Currently she just seems sexy, and cool. Kind, caring, down to earth, intelligent, funny.

Just typing that out has made me realise how unrealistic this is. No one is THAT cool 😆

Hope this thread is helping, OP. And she’s probably a great person but, as you say, no one’s perfect! Just think of her stubbing her toe and swearing or with a big spot on her chin!

I think the therapy relationship nearly always has some kind of erotic edge to it if it’s working and there’s a connection between client and therapist - and I definitely don’t mean to suggest it’s ok for any therapist to cross boundaries or have relationships with clients. We tend to recreate relational patterns in therapy or project a lot of fantasies onto the other person (as in ideas about them as people) for one thing. And we talk about ‘clicking’ with people when they ‘get’ us, so we feel seen and appreciated.

What do you mean it allowed you to become more independent?

I started off with two sessions a week because I met him three months after I decided I would kill myself and I was still feeling that way.

I used to email him in between sessions.I used to cry when he would tell me that he was going away on holiday because I was scared. I feel like where I am now I'm not as phased anymore by his breaks. I didn't have a scheduled session at the start of the year for almost two months. We did also drop down to one session weekly and I'm starting to feel like I'm also ready to stop therapy now.

I'm sorry this happened. It's such a shame when clients and therapists haven't been able to talk about feelings of wanting to terminate the relationship using an avoidant method such as text or not turning up again. Don't worry about your therapist. If they know you well they will know that you were unable to tolerate the emotions that discussing it all would have brought up for you. As for you, if having a session to talk about it isn't an option could you try and use what you've learnt in therapy to this point to understand what work you need to keep doing about how you handle relationships and threats. Maybe you'll feel differently about therapy again one day and can pick up the thread once more.

@Craftycorvid

Hope this thread is helping, OP. And she’s probably a great person but, as you say, no one’s perfect! Just think of her stubbing her toe and swearing or with a big spot on her chin! I think the therapy relationship nearly always has some kind of erotic edge to it if it’s working and there’s a connection between client and therapist - and I definitely don’t mean to suggest it’s ok for any therapist to cross boundaries or have relationships with clients. We tend to recreate relational patterns in therapy or project a lot of fantasies onto the other person (as in ideas about them as people) for one thing. And we talk about ‘clicking’ with people when they ‘get’ us, so we feel seen and appreciated.

It is helping a lot. Thank you 😊

I try to imagine her talking with her mouth full or dropping litter 🤣 I'm almost certain she does neither of these things 😆

@Orangecake123

What do you mean it allowed you to become more independent?

I started off with two sessions a week because I met him three months after I decided I would kill myself and I was still feeling that way.

I used to email him in between sessions.I used to cry when he would tell me that he was going away on holiday because I was scared. I feel like where I am now I'm not as phased anymore by his breaks. I didn't have a scheduled session at the start of the year for almost two months. We did also drop down to one session weekly and I'm starting to feel like I'm also ready to stop therapy now.

I am so sorry to hear you felt that way but really very happy to hear that you now feel ready to think about ending therapy. I find this very reassuring and really hope everything goes well for you.

@Jobsharenightmare

I'm sorry this happened. It's such a shame when clients and therapists haven't been able to talk about feelings of wanting to terminate the relationship using an avoidant method such as text or not turning up again. Don't worry about your therapist. If they know you well they will know that you were unable to tolerate the emotions that discussing it all would have brought up for you. As for you, if having a session to talk about it isn't an option could you try and use what you've learnt in therapy to this point to understand what work you need to keep doing about how you handle relationships and threats. Maybe you'll feel differently about therapy again one day and can pick up the thread once more.

Thank you for your kindness. I have thought about seeing a new therapist but asking for help with this issue before moving on to what I initially went to therapy for. I think that that way, I can get help figuring out why I have this transference issue, while at the same time hopefully avoiding falling into the same trap.

I just wish I realised this may happen before I even started the therapy!

That is so nice for you to say! I most definitely think she is just being professionally nice because if I'm honest, looking from the outside, I think I'm quite annoying and probably am a bit of a nuisance to her! But she hides it well.

You are saying so much in this thread that you don't realise you are. And that will have been happening with your therapist.

Everything you have done - talking about the problem you ostensibly need help with, not addressing it, ending your relationship - is all part of the process.

Do you have this pattern with other people at all? Thinking you're not good enough for them, and walking away or not feeling you're important enough for them to bother with?

@PaperTowels

Do you have this pattern with other people at all? Thinking you're not good enough for them, and walking away or not feeling you're important enough for them to bother with?

I definitely think I feel this way a lot but it doesn't feel like I think it, it feels like I know it to be true. Like I just know that I am annoying. Arghh this makes me so sad.

I am currently arguing with my therapist about whether I really need to go up to twice weekly sessions. I've been in therapy, off and on, for 7 years now and I know that she's right but I also know I really, really don't want to do it.

The discomfort and fear is all part of the process. Like you, I went with a very specific problem and got massively frustrated that we weren't exclusively focused on fixing it. Over time I've realised that everything is connected and, like PP, I've made a lot of progress almost without realising it. I bet you have too. But the change is uncomfortable.

I've had a lot of these moments of discomfort in therapy and I'm starting to recognise that they usually stem from two completely conflicting feelings that are happening at the same time. One wants the help and support, knows that it's needed and is desperate to get closer and connect more and be heard. The other is absolutely terrified of the connection and what it might bring up, and wants to run away. Neither one is at all wrong.

You don't sound annoying. You sound like someone who doesn't like themselves very much, which is a really difficult way to exist. Therapy can help, but it's also ok to find it very scary. It's always alright to talk to your therapist about your fears. They will be so used to it, and in many cases they probably already know (even if you don't know they know!).

I hope you can find a good resolution, and can see from this thread that what you're experiencing is not at all unusual.

nothing was that a quote from Irvin Yalom by any chance? Sounds like his sense of humour.

Possibly. I cant remember the name of the therapist who posted it for the life of me and I can't remember the exact question he was answering to look it up. If I come across it again, I'll tell you who it was. It just really made me laugh because its so true. My therapist is nothing like my usual type, yet if I thought I'd get away with it I'd jump him without hesitation. The embarrassing part is that I'm pretty sure he knows that...

I definitely think I feel this way a lot but it doesn't feel like I think it, it feels like I know it to be true. Like I just know that I am annoying. Arghh this makes me so sad

And that is what is playing out with your therapist, here. Whatever reason you think you need therapy, there will be others as well.

Text her back when you're ready - she'll be waiting

@FreiasBathtub

I am currently arguing with my therapist about whether I really need to go up to twice weekly sessions. I've been in therapy, off and on, for 7 years now and I know that she's right but I also know I really, really don't want to do it.

The discomfort and fear is all part of the process. Like you, I went with a very specific problem and got massively frustrated that we weren't exclusively focused on fixing it. Over time I've realised that everything is connected and, like PP, I've made a lot of progress almost without realising it. I bet you have too. But the change is uncomfortable.

I've had a lot of these moments of discomfort in therapy and I'm starting to recognise that they usually stem from two completely conflicting feelings that are happening at the same time. One wants the help and support, knows that it's needed and is desperate to get closer and connect more and be heard. The other is absolutely terrified of the connection and what it might bring up, and wants to run away. Neither one is at all wrong.

You don't sound annoying. You sound like someone who doesn't like themselves very much, which is a really difficult way to exist. Therapy can help, but it's also ok to find it very scary. It's always alright to talk to your therapist about your fears. They will be so used to it, and in many cases they probably already know (even if you don't know they know!).

I hope you can find a good resolution, and can see from this thread that what you're experiencing is not at all unusual.

This is so true. I often felt like we weren't working on the issue I had come for, but felt like it was my fault for derailing the conversation which I think I was doing because I didn't have the strength to confront my real issues. I totally get what it feels like to feel two totally conflicting emotions at the same time. It's hard and pretty exhausting!

But I am taking a lot of comfort in knowing that so many of you feel similar emotions. It's so hard to find people in day to day life that really understand how I feel. Thank you 😊

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

nothing was that a quote from Irvin Yalom by any chance? Sounds like his sense of humour.

Possibly. I cant remember the name of the therapist who posted it for the life of me and I can't remember the exact question he was answering to look it up. If I come across it again, I'll tell you who it was. It just really made me laugh because its so true. My therapist is nothing like my usual type, yet if I thought I'd get away with it I'd jump him without hesitation. The embarrassing part is that I'm pretty sure he knows that...

I want to jump my therapist too and I'm a heterosexual female so she is definitely not my usual type 🤣

@PaperTowels

I definitely think I feel this way a lot but it doesn't feel like I think it, it feels like I know it to be true. Like I just know that I am annoying. Arghh this makes me so sad

And that is what is playing out with your therapist, here. Whatever reason you think you need therapy, there will be others as well.

Text her back when you're ready - she'll be waiting

Thank you! She definitely asked me a few times why I don't feel loved or why I think people wouldn't love me if I said or did certain things but I would argue back that i didn't feel that way and would leave feeling confused about why she even thought that. But in reflection I can see that maybe she could see something in myself that I was unable to recognise.

I hope I have the courage to text her back one day!

Sorry if all the quoting at @ing has been so annoying, been posting for five years and just realised how to use bold. Sorry everyone!

I'm going to @ you back @nothingnessandeverything

You aren't the only one who's being helped by this thread for sure, it's really helpful to me too. I don't have many friends who've had therapy. You need perspective when you feel like you're not doing it right (especially when you're an utter people pleaser!).

Honestly though, it's such a windy path. If your therapist is good - and it sounds like she is - she will travel with you but not try to direct you. There's stuff inside that is trying to get out and sometimes we end up talking about something as a way into something else we can't bring ourselves to come out and say. Maybe you needed to talk about something 'irrelevant' to push her away, so that you could then talk to her about what makes you want to push her away and shut down a connection. Or it could be that the 'irrelevant' stuff really isn't so irrelevant after all. That's often been the case with me, but I'm not always ready to hear it.

Ha ha, thank you @FreiasBathtub

Can totally relate, being a people pleaser is one of the things I have been trying to work on. My anxieties hold me back and I just don't feel like my real self because I'm trying to keep everyone happy, so end up feeling like such a phoney!

It's by conversing through this thread that I am starting to realise the relevance of all the "irrelevant" things I have been talking about. Such a trip!

But in reflection I can see that maybe she could see something in myself that I was unable to recognise

It's almost like she's been trained to do this stuff

@PaperTowels

But in reflection I can see that maybe she could see something in myself that I was unable to recognise

It's almost like she's been trained to do this stuff

🤯

Hi,

If any of you are still here 🤪

I consulted another therapist for a couple of sessions - to be honest I wish I could have more sessions with him because he was great and even though we had such few sessions the therapy was SO eye opening.

Anyway, I can't really justify paying him when I have insurance that covers the therapy, and really don't want my husband to start questioning why I am paying for it when he knows I was so happy with my previous therapist.

Anyway, I am SO close to contacting my original therapist again (new therapist strongly encourages this) but I'm struggling to muster up the courage!

Barely know why I am bugging you all for this again, just hoping that someone can give my the final kick needed to contact her.

Feeling horribly immature and massively embarrassed still 🤣