I’m crying as I write this

[crapmumalertttttttt]

I always thought I couldn’t have children. Then I got pregnant and I was excited but had a bad pregnancy as got quite unwell. I also have an autoimmune disease and bipolar disorder.

I’ve always been a very driven person whose life revolved around my career.

When my son was born I was exhausted and I just didn’t get that click that everyone talks about.

He’s seven months old now and I feel like just the whole seven months I’ve done nothing. My partner is pretty much doing everything while I work full time and I feel horrible about it. But, and I hate admitting this, I’m relieved when he does things and I long for him to come back into the room when I’m alone with my baby.

I love my baby to bits but it’s been so mentally hard as I’ve just felt so low and I’ve been in a bad flare up which has made me unwell.

I’m having to work full time and have for months and there’s so much pressure on me to make money. Sometimes I get upset even changing a nappy.

I sing to my son, I take him out, I play with him, I read to him, but I can’t find myself always having to do something else like work or be on my phone.

I hate it. I see other mums and wonder why I can’t be like that and why I’m so crap. Earlier I kept calling me sons name and he wouldn’t look and my partner was just smugly smiling as he called it and my son turned to him.

He’s such a better parent than me and I just think I would love to die because they would be better off without me

Why are you working full time and your dp isn't?
Can't you organise a break from work?
What family support do you have?

Your situation is obviously not working you need more help.

YANBU to be upset. It's a terribly difficult time.

Is your partner purposely being mean?

You really must go to your GP and see if you are suffering with post natal depression. With your bipolar disnosis you might even need to get some specialist help, but please do get help.

Xxxx

Oh OP. I could’ve written this - and I don’t have bipolar to contend with!

I also have an autoimmune disease.

Having a baby is so, so hard. Exhausting, consuming, lonely, a struggle. I didn’t really enjoy it til 11 months and only started finding it a bit easier at 8 months.

Make sure you get breaks, do Zoom calls with friends and ask family and friends for help as much as you can.

Do try and see your GP - you may have PND. It’s very, very common and still often missed by GPs. Speak to a health visitor too.

You’re all the Mum your baby needs - and you are good enough. Just love him, cuddle him and smile at him (even if you don’t feel it inside). You’ll get there.

But please don’t suffer in silence.

It does get easier, I promise.

You need to see your gp urgently.

Does your dp work?

You don't sound like a bad mum at all, you sound like you need more support.

Honestly I love my children, but sometimes as soon as my husband walks through the door, I practically throw them at him and run away and hide.

You are experiencing symptoms of a mental illness,your judgement and mood are impaired, as a result you’re very sensitive to external and internal stimuli, and too hard upon yourself

You are a good mum. The actions you describe are those of a good mum.you are attentive.you are considering your son needs

You now must prioritise your needs. If your under a cmht (community mental health team) contact them. Tell them you’re struggling, if you can’t face talking send the op you posted

With medication and support you’ll begin to feel better. You might not believe it , but it’s true. Your mood is impacting upon your judgement and self worth

If you can’t call GP Or cmht then your partner family must.

Sometimes babies don’t always respond when you call their name,they happily listen to your familiar voice. That’s probably what went on

"Earlier I kept calling me sons name and he wouldn’t look and my partner was just smugly smiling as he called it and my son turned to him."

This is really worrying OP.
What is the set up at home? Is your partner the main carer? Are you the breadwinner? Is your partner really smug? How does he treat you?

You’re being very hard on yourself OP and it sounds like you’ve got a lot to think about. Don’t be frightened to ask for help, support if there’s anyone that can step in. 💐

OP you sound like a great mum, and of course your DS and DP need you. Your son is 7 months old - therefore born in April dating lockdown right? Congratulations to you and your DP for keeping everything going and looking after your son so well. Please don’t judge yourself so harshly, and definitely don’t compare your reality with the facade that others seem to present. You know how tiring life is with a young baby - it’s the same for everyone, however it may seem on the surface when you observe others. You are doing well - working full time is not “nothing”. You and your DP are providing for and caring for your son between you, and the balance of who does what may change over time. You’ve got this

No @endofthelinefinally it’s not really worrying at all. Don’t introduce sinister motives or pick apart the relationship on basis of one post.

I think in the last sentence, your emotions are getting the better of you. I'm not sure if it suggests there is a deeper issue there, maybe you would benefit contacting your GP for a referral to some over the phone counselling to talk through any thoughts of thinking your baby or partner would be better off without you. Because the fact is THEY WONT. You said so yourself- you sing to your son, you play with him, take him out. You are also earning money to keep him fed and warm. He very much benefits from having you as his mum.

If it helps at all- you're not alone in not enjoying the baby years! Few people I know enjoy the baby and toddler years. They are repetitive and dull and so demanding. I essentially wish away the first 3- 4 years! I have heard the golden years are like 5-10. When they are old enough to not be a baby or difficult toddler but not yet old enough to be a difficult teenager and all the delight puberty brings.

So please dont be so hard on yourself for finding you enjoy work over being with your baby or that you long for your partner to be around you with the baby. I too feel delight when my partner returns from "work" (the home office) and is with me and then children. When he leaves, it immediately feels bleak and like I've plunged back into drudgery with shrieking toddlers and the never ending demands of nappy changes, snack preparing, wiping grubby hands and faces, plastering on my "patient face" and trying to keep my gentle voice as I'm kicked and yelled at when intervening in fights or tantrums. Duplo thrown across the room. Having to squeeze out pees at lightning speed (with a baby on my lap) so I can rush back to the other kids. And then of course the daily long enduring struggle at bedtime which starts at 6:30pm. Often ends around 8pm or later (I'm sat typing this in the dark right now as my toddler is kicking his crib bars) and then restarts again at 3am. Oh glory days.

So dont feel bad for NOT enjoying these times. They will pass and you can start to really enjoy your kids. My oldest is now 4 and speaks and is reasonable and is such a delight 90% of the time. We watch nature shows together, can have great conversations. He sleeps through the night. He goes toilet on his own! I love it and its only going to get better. So just grimly hold on until then. I'm holding on as I wait for his younger siblings to get to 3 too!

But seriously- also speak to your partner about feeling like they'd better off without you. Maybe your bi-polar is having an affect or its a touch of ppd. Get some real life support too. And just keep holding on! X

• during

Your partner is horrible.

You are doing great and you are a good mum.

Your partner however is a horrible man.

No. @SunshineCake do not be casting aspersions on her partner.not helpful

OP if you weren't a good mum you wouldn't be worrying like this.

Please do see/speak to your GP as soon as you can

Not all feeling utterly awful and low is mental illness. It's the first assumption where women are concerned, and, yes, there could be an element of this, but it isn't always the case.

Get treatment for your autoimmune disease. It won't just improve how you feel physically and mentally in regards to having less pain, etc, but inflammation in itself has been found to have a negative effect upon mood irrespective of any depression or unhappiness - I am generally happy, but the moment I was starting to flare, I'd completely change into a total emotional mess.

Having had a baby, you're at the peak risk for a serious flare, as your immune system would have been behaving more normally whilst pregnant and is likely to have gone into overdrive in the last few months.

Don't be fobbed off with antidepressants before that - as you probably know, bipolar doesn't tend to react well to them if you aren't actually depressed, but are ill - get the inflammation treated and then, once that's getting under control, you can look at therapies to handle other aspects. In the meantime, things like yoga or meditation will help.

So ask for a Rheumatology referral, if you can afford it, pay for an initial consultant appointment and then ask to be transferred to their NHS list (perfectly legal, it just cuts out the big wait in the first place). And I would request a steroid pulse, as they can have almost miraculous effects overnight - there are risks involved with all medication, but you're crying, not manic/hypomanic, so it's not forbidden for anybody with your MH diagnosis, you just have to be aware that it is possible and act accordingly.

Low vitamin D also affects mood, particularly as most of us have been cooped up inside over summer and now the weather is grey and dark. Ask for the level to be tested at the same time as the GP orders a full blood count (which they will probably do before referring you to Rheumatology).

Please speak to your GP. Pregnancy and childbirth messes up everyone’s hormones/chemicals etc and they can need rebalancing to get them back they way they were. And that’s without any other meds you need. And there’s also PND to consider too, which lots of people on here will tell you just sent them off the scale. You just need to have a word with the gp and get back to being yourself again.

It sounds like you are exhausted too. If your partner does more with the baby just now because you work then that’s perhaps why the baby turns more to him. Nothing to do with you being a bad parent or the baby playing favourites. Just he happens to be around the baby more just now. That’s all. It won’t always be like that.

If you look at other threads on here there are times when the baby seems to want the other parent more. And then times when they don’t and the other parent then gets sad. It’s very upsetting for all concerned but it’s just a phase and it will pass.

If your partners being smug about stuff when you’re clearly knackered from working he’s needing a proverbial foot up his arse, cheeky fecker.

Congrats on having your baby OP.

I should get yourself checked out for PND, OP.

some of us just aren't cut out for the baby stage.
I have mh issues and also found it super tough. Ds is now 6 and I made it, I enjoy lots of it though the anxiety is still there.
Just get through this day,this month, this year. You don't have to find it joyful. Happy bits will come.

I've no idea why anyone is voting YABU! I'd ask mumsnet if they can turn off the voting.

This is a case of you feeling desperately unhappy so of course you are not being unreasonable!

It may be your partner was being horrible but it may have been different and your current state of depression makes things seem worse.

Not all cases of sadness are depression, of course, but you have two health issues, have just had a baby and are the main bread winner. So lots of reasons for you to feel so low.

Could your dp work part-time and you part-time?

Thinking of you.

Please do ask for help.

I didnt really enjoy the baby stage. My god they were beautiful, but I never had a clue what I was doing. Used to feel panic everytime they cried because I didnt know what they needed. Didnt feel an overwhelming surge of love - I did feel incredibly protective though. The love came.

Having said that you have got a lot more going on so I would make an appointment with gp as a precautionary measure.

Does any of the below resonate? What was your childhood like? I suspect your mental health would improve if you were allowed to parent away from this man.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

I think the op should seek help,and posters should not speculate or cast aspersions on her husband on one post

You poor thing. You've had a baby at one of the most challenging times ever and you're working full time as well! Parenting is really hard and a massive adjustment. Give yourself a break and def talk to your gp I wish I had when my first was born as I really struggled. Your baby needs you. You're not a crap mum at all we all out too much pressure on ourselves particularly when we first become mums x

He’s such a better parent than me and I just think I would love to die because they would be better off without me

THIS is why I voted YABU. How could your little son, whom you clearly love, possibly be better off without you?
Please seek help from your GP. I hope things improve for you soon.