I’m crying as I write this

[crapmumalertttttttt]

I always thought I couldn’t have children. Then I got pregnant and I was excited but had a bad pregnancy as got quite unwell. I also have an autoimmune disease and bipolar disorder.

I’ve always been a very driven person whose life revolved around my career.

When my son was born I was exhausted and I just didn’t get that click that everyone talks about.

He’s seven months old now and I feel like just the whole seven months I’ve done nothing. My partner is pretty much doing everything while I work full time and I feel horrible about it. But, and I hate admitting this, I’m relieved when he does things and I long for him to come back into the room when I’m alone with my baby.

I love my baby to bits but it’s been so mentally hard as I’ve just felt so low and I’ve been in a bad flare up which has made me unwell.

I’m having to work full time and have for months and there’s so much pressure on me to make money. Sometimes I get upset even changing a nappy.

I sing to my son, I take him out, I play with him, I read to him, but I can’t find myself always having to do something else like work or be on my phone.

I hate it. I see other mums and wonder why I can’t be like that and why I’m so crap. Earlier I kept calling me sons name and he wouldn’t look and my partner was just smugly smiling as he called it and my son turned to him.

He’s such a better parent than me and I just think I would love to die because they would be better off without me

Why is all of the pressure on you to be making money? You're supposed to be in a partnership. Don't let anyone make you feel like your Son doesn't need you.

You are amazing!

I had pnd after my first baby. Not the same, but oh my fucking god it was hard. Really fucking hard.

My ex was a waste of space and I was the one to work, which didn't help at all.

I have an amazing relationship with my now adult children, despite the fact that I felt the same as you.

There is hope. But please please please take some of the amazing advice that you've been given, and get support.

You care so deeply, it's obvious you are a great mum. You just don't know it yet. You will.

Is your partner a sahd? Mine was with my first until he was 4. I found it incredibly tough as ds preferred dh to me. If he was hurt he went to dh. If he needed comfort he automatically went to dh. It killed me inside and I found it devastating. Even worse when damily kept saying how wonderful dh was. So I get it.

Why do you think there is “pressure” to make money @Anotheruser02. Food,accommodation, utilities bills,raising a baby it requires money
There is no provision to have free food,accommodation etc because you’re a new mum

It may be necessity rather than pressure

Not every couple get by on one male wage
80% of women work

@SunshineCake

Your partner is horrible.
Nonsense.

You are doing great and you are a good mum.

Your partner however is a horrible man.

What makes her partner horrible? The OP saying he looked or smiled smugly?
He's caring for the baby and doing a good job from what the OP says, yet you've labelled him horrible with little evidence and a total bias.

The OP feels she's not a good mum...pp have said that's not the case...so based on the fact she's not in a great place emotionally, there's every chance her judgement is clouded and the smug look she mentioned is as a result of her own feelings od inadequacy as a mother and her mental state.

OP...see your GP for some support

Some People with affective disorders and/or pnd literally cannot read signals and cues
They misinterpret or misattribute cues and behaviours. A depressed mum will report her baby is looking distressed or hates her,when this is not the case
It’s not helpful to cast aspersions on her partner, no one here can genuinely say he is mean or bad.
What the op needs urgently is RL intervention and assessment not strangers speculating on her relationship or why she works

Because Sentient that is word for word how the OP describes it in paragraph six "there is so much pressure on me to make money". *Me" not us. I knew you would jump on me, you're quite protective of this guy aren't you. Do you know him?

Reread your post @Anotheruser02 you’re really being preposterous
Pressure is an external and internal stimuli it comes from ones self, from society, it may come from him
But no getting away from it utilities,food,accommodation all cost money. It needs Paid for

I'm not derailing the thread, you're really annoying. Let people advise the OP stop policing them.

Take a breath @Anotheruser02 this isn’t about you. It isn’t about me
Your annoyance really isn’t relevant,and disclosing it adds nothing

It's not.... or any of the other three people you have shut down.

It’s Time for to stop now, you’re over personalising someone else thread

Speak to your GP about PND OP. Do the Edinburgh Scale online to give you a clue as to whether you have it. I did this and told GP my score and turns out it was really high. DS was 8 months by this point and I was on my knees with exhaustion with a long term illness and a very much wanted baby. I went on meds and got out with him rather than being cooped up at home and I got a lot better. It was awful at the time though and I felt like a terrible mum even though I loved him dearly.

Hello OP. We just wanted to say that we're really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected].

OP, we've moved your thread to our Mental Health topic and we hope you continue to get useful advice and support here. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Take care OP and best of luck.