I always thought I couldn’t have children. Then I got pregnant and I was excited but had a bad pregnancy as got quite unwell. I also have an autoimmune disease and bipolar disorder.
I’ve always been a very driven person whose life revolved around my career.
When my son was born I was exhausted and I just didn’t get that click that everyone talks about.
He’s seven months old now and I feel like just the whole seven months I’ve done nothing. My partner is pretty much doing everything while I work full time and I feel horrible about it. But, and I hate admitting this, I’m relieved when he does things and I long for him to come back into the room when I’m alone with my baby.
I love my baby to bits but it’s been so mentally hard as I’ve just felt so low and I’ve been in a bad flare up which has made me unwell.
I’m having to work full time and have for months and there’s so much pressure on me to make money. Sometimes I get upset even changing a nappy.
I sing to my son, I take him out, I play with him, I read to him, but I can’t find myself always having to do something else like work or be on my phone.
I hate it. I see other mums and wonder why I can’t be like that and why I’m so crap. Earlier I kept calling me sons name and he wouldn’t look and my partner was just smugly smiling as he called it and my son turned to him.
He’s such a better parent than me and I just think I would love to die because they would be better off without me