Hi,
I'm a bit of a newby here,so sorry if I'm intruding. I've had PND since my DS was born 8 months ago, but haven't had any help for it. I tried to speak to my HV and her response was to advise me to go on a positive parenting course. This made me totally paranoid that everyone thinks I'm a crap mum, even though I know what is making me depressed and motherhood isn't the issue. Anyway, since then I've become meticulous about masking how bad I'm feeling. When i'm feeling low I basically hide from everyone and only socialise with people when i know I can keep up the pretence.
I had a very traumatic pregnancy and birth (3rd degree tear, forceps, haemmorage, and my DS was in SCBU for a while). I just thought I was getting over the shock of that when I was ruched into hospital last week with a severe kidney infection and put on drips and iV antibiotics. While I was there 2 old ladies were brought in close to death and basically told that they were not going to survive. They were then left on the ward to die. I can't believe that they were treated so insensitively and just left there like that.
Since i've been out of hospital I've just been a complete wreck. I'm exhausted but i have nightmares whenever i try to sleep. My DH invited my MIL to stay to "help out" but this has really meant that i've had to entertain her, and ended up getting up at 5am the morning after I got out of hospital because I was paranoid that the house had got messy while i was in hospital and I was worried she would judge me.
I'm trying to hold it together for mny DS and trying only to cry during his naps, but I'm really losing it here. I really need to talk to somebody but there isn't anybody in RL. My friends sent texts while I was in hospital but I think it mde them feel really awkward so I feel I need to avoid them for a few more weeks until i can be happy and smily again.
I know I just need to get a grip on myself and stop beig so bloody self indulgent, but I just need to vent right now.