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Not coping at all, really need help

26 replies

black31cat · 16/10/2007 08:50

Hi,
I'm a bit of a newby here,so sorry if I'm intruding. I've had PND since my DS was born 8 months ago, but haven't had any help for it. I tried to speak to my HV and her response was to advise me to go on a positive parenting course. This made me totally paranoid that everyone thinks I'm a crap mum, even though I know what is making me depressed and motherhood isn't the issue. Anyway, since then I've become meticulous about masking how bad I'm feeling. When i'm feeling low I basically hide from everyone and only socialise with people when i know I can keep up the pretence.
I had a very traumatic pregnancy and birth (3rd degree tear, forceps, haemmorage, and my DS was in SCBU for a while). I just thought I was getting over the shock of that when I was ruched into hospital last week with a severe kidney infection and put on drips and iV antibiotics. While I was there 2 old ladies were brought in close to death and basically told that they were not going to survive. They were then left on the ward to die. I can't believe that they were treated so insensitively and just left there like that.
Since i've been out of hospital I've just been a complete wreck. I'm exhausted but i have nightmares whenever i try to sleep. My DH invited my MIL to stay to "help out" but this has really meant that i've had to entertain her, and ended up getting up at 5am the morning after I got out of hospital because I was paranoid that the house had got messy while i was in hospital and I was worried she would judge me.
I'm trying to hold it together for mny DS and trying only to cry during his naps, but I'm really losing it here. I really need to talk to somebody but there isn't anybody in RL. My friends sent texts while I was in hospital but I think it mde them feel really awkward so I feel I need to avoid them for a few more weeks until i can be happy and smily again.
I know I just need to get a grip on myself and stop beig so bloody self indulgent, but I just need to vent right now.

OP posts:
WaynettaVonBlood · 16/10/2007 08:53

I don't think you're being self indulgent at all. It sounds like you've been through the wringer, and you do need help, but you know that. Have you spoken to your GP? They can put you in touch with counsellers etc.
Sorry can't offer more advice - more 'useful' people will be along shortly.

And keep venting - that's what we're here for.
xx

stickyj · 16/10/2007 08:54

Hi and welcome to Mumsnet. There are lots of people on here who have had this and can help you. I just wanted to let you know that you're not on your own

black31cat · 16/10/2007 08:56

I'm on the waiting list for counselling but god knows when that will happen. I've been trying to get an appointment with my GP but our surgery is a joke. I got an appointment yesterday and then they rang up and cancelled and said that I'd need to ring today to rebook. When I rang today they didn't have any. I've just about given up on them. I'm jusyt going to have to cope myself without help.

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LilBloodRedWantsGore · 16/10/2007 08:59

Black31cat - don't give up on them. You do need help and shouldn't do this on your own. Please do insist on the doctor seeing you soon and also ditch the HV - she sounds useless.

Keep coming on here to vent - lots of us have been though (or are going through) PND and we understand! You are not self-indulgent at all.

GooseyLoosey · 16/10/2007 09:01

My God, you are not being self indulgent!

Do not worry about the state of the house. If MIL is still there tell her you are still not feeling well and are not up to the housework. She may take the hint and do it for you. If she is not helping and her visit is not shortly coming to an end, get dh to get rid of her.

On the PND, if the HV will not help, go to the GP. PND is not unusual and absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. It certainly does not equate to being a bad parent!

I am only guessing but perhaps the reason the (very insensitive ) HV suggested a postive parenting course was that for some people, PND makes parenting feel like the worst thing in the world - there are no upsides, just a relentless grind for the benefit of something that you do not have a great deal of emotional attachment to (certainly how I felt). I don't think that this is a judgement on your parenting.

GooseyLoosey · 16/10/2007 09:02

Can you transfer to another surgery?

Budababe · 16/10/2007 09:02

Please don't give up on the GP. Keep trying to get an appointment. Cry on phone if you have to. My sis had PND that was untreated and it went on much longer than it needed to.

And you would be surprised at how many of you RL friends are prob in a similar position. My sis told her friends and it turned out 3 of them were on ADs also.

Keep on posting here too. Lots of people here are or have been in a similar situation and got lots of support here. You are not on your own when you have Mumsnet - which sound really corny but is very true. (And when you start to feel better and realise you are addicted to MN we can help with that too!!)

TheMadScaryHouse · 16/10/2007 09:03

Hi

Please ring again and let them know it is urgent, if they can not offer you an appointment perhaps they can get the doctor to ring you back.

I am suffering from PND after the birth of my second and like yoi had a truamatic pregnancy and birth with both boys, I DID NOT seek any help until my youngest was a year old and that was my DH making the appointment and dragging me there.

My HV and freinds and family had no idea I masked it well too, but I am now getting treatment from the mental heath team. I was assessed, saw consultant, prescribes anti'ds and started to received CBT all within a two week period (this was to avoid mecoming an in-patient). So help is out there and you should not suffer alone.

Please ring the GP again

aDadGoneMad · 16/10/2007 09:03

I agree that's not self-indulgent it's perfectly understandable you feel how you do.

I know zero about PND but one thing I think you shouldn't worry about is making your friends feel awkward by telling them about how you feel. It wouldn't be self-indulgence. I'm sure they would want to know how you are really feeling, and would understand fully and want to help if they could. Is there at least one friend you feel you could confide in as well as seeing your GP as planned?

black31cat · 16/10/2007 09:08

Thanks so much everyone! My actual GP is brilliant, its just getting an appointment that is so hard. I've been dithering about AD's for a while but have managed without them up to now. The medical problems are part of a massive ongoing saga and I'm on the waiting list for pretty major surgery because of it, so that is one more stress.
My MIL left yesterday which is a relief. I know seh means well, but she is so houseproud that i just feel she is judging me for everything. Just to add to it all, my DS got a tooth when i was in hospital (I was in for 5 days) and I missed it!

OP posts:
black31cat · 16/10/2007 09:09

Sorryy, x posts there.

OP posts:
LilBloodRedWantsGore · 16/10/2007 09:10

If you GP is good but hard to get hold of then call and ask to speak to him. If he's not available request that he calls you back - tell them it is urgent! Most GPs will happily call you.

LilBloodRedWantsGore · 16/10/2007 09:10

Oh - and WELL DONE on seeking help! It's often the hardest thing.

black31cat · 16/10/2007 09:20

Just tried GP's. The problem seems to be that th same group of doctors work at 2 branch surgeries, and my usual GP is at the other one today and tomorrow. Talking on here is really helping, you guys are great! I'm terrified of speaking to people on the phone, which is why ringing the Drs was so hard for me and why it hit me so bad when i couldn't get an appointment. I even get paranoid that the receptionist thinks i'm really crap.

OP posts:
GooseyLoosey · 16/10/2007 09:22

Can you get your dh to make the appointment for you? I can't ring up the surgery myself so my dh always does it!

aDadGoneMad · 16/10/2007 09:33

Hmm that's a shame about your GP - 2 days is quite a long time to wait. Would you be prepared to see another doctor at the practice? And you could make another appointment to see your own GP in 2 days anyway.

A good idea though to get your DH to call up if possible, to make it easier for you.

black31cat · 16/10/2007 10:02

Our surgery only releases appointments 24 hours in advance. You have to start ringing at 8.30 and keep redialling until you get through. The appointments are all gone within 10 minutes so if you don't get lucky yu have to try again the next day. Or if its an emergency there is a walk in clinic with the nurse, but you have to wait hours, and its v hard with a little one. It's a bloody joke

OP posts:
ManxMum · 16/10/2007 10:29

I used to worry about the mess in my house and always used to put cleaning first.

22 years on the mess is still there, but my boys have grown and flown

If only.......

Young neighbour of mine, not houseproud, but her ds is one of the happiest, well adjusted children I have ever known.

So, 'quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep, I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep'

Chin up!!

black31cat · 16/10/2007 16:13

Well after a lot of thinking I've now given up on the medical/ therapy route and decided I'm just going to get through it my own way.The thought of ringing the drs or speaking to anyone in real life is far too daunting for me at the moment, and I have panic attacks if I even think about it.I went to story time at the library, which is good cos it gets me out without having to talk to anybody. I've been to Tescos and loaded up on St John's Wort and kalms, and I'm going to give them a try.
I'm unsure about antidepressants because they'll just mask the issue, but on the other hand I don't know how to deal with it. I guess I'll just go on putting on a happy face and not letting anyone know \i'm dying on the inside. I can't even talk to my DH because he's been totally shaken up by everything that's happened and just wants to put it behind him. I know thats what I need to do but its so hard.
I'm sorry, i know i'm not making sense here but this is my only release.

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lucyellensmum · 16/10/2007 16:42

blackcat - poor you hugs

Please dont give up on trying to get some medication. I now know i had PND - in fact my HV told me i was clinically depressed after doing some questionaire, then basically left me to fester. Two years later, following serious meltdowns and the nigh on break up of my marriage, i got help. I found my HV totally useless, her only advice to me - eat regularly as low blood sugar will only make things worse, never mind that i had gall stones and if i ate anything i would be in total agony!!

You cannot do this on your own - i'm sorry this is blunt but i can see history repeating itself here. Dont be left to flounder. If your medical condition was playing up, you would make sure you were attended to. This is simply another medical condition, an illness. After what you describe as a shit time, im hardly surprised you need some help.

Like you i was dubious about ADs and indredulous that the doc even suggested them. i posted loads of threads on here about ending my relationship - i've been through two years of hell, i could have got help TWO YEARS AGO it makes me want to weep.

ADs are not a miracle cure, yes you are right, to a certain extent they mask the issue. But what if the issue is simply medical - you feel like you do because you are physically unwell and little wonder. I take citalopram, which is a SSRI (selective seratonin reuptake inhibitor) and they just help the body replenish its supply of seratonin. It just takes the awful edge off of things, and if there are issues, it clears the fog so you can deal with them. Im still waiting for counselling, if i didnt have the ADs to support me in the mean time, i honestly dread to think what would have happened, i mean, i was behaving irrationally to say the least, its frightening, looking back - coudlnt see it then.

Please see someone, you dont have to see your own doctor, anyone, a nurse at the clinic (that is how i got an appointment made for me the very next day - i landed myself in the middle of the treatment room, and cried until someone saw me - the nurse was lovely and confirmed to me what i already knew, i needed help - FAST).

You should be enjoying your baby, you deserve to enjoy your baby - you dont have to fight this alone, we are here, use the meds (if you feel you can and they are appropriate for you that is) there is no shame in needing help from time to time.

My DP was worried re the meds, he asked the doctor if i could get better without them, she said its not impossible but it will be tough, i knew our relationship wouldnt stand it. After a week of tablets my dp said it was like having the old me back. And like she said, you don't expect medical problems to just go away by themselves, so why expect depression to do it.

CountessDracula · 16/10/2007 16:46

oh LEM it's so good to hear you sounding so positive.

black31cat I hope you can get some help here x

lucyellensmum · 16/10/2007 16:47

i have a friend who i spoke to about taking the meds, as i knew she had suffered from PND - twice, after both of her children. She took prozac, anotehr SSRI, she stayed on them for about 4 months the first time, felt better, stopped taking them. No great searching issues, just PND. After the birth of her second child, she recognised the signs, went back to the docs, took prozac, 6 months this time, stopped, no problems since. Her children are now in secondary school and she is the best mother and most stable person i know.

lucyellensmum · 16/10/2007 16:49

Thanks CD, honestly, i think i would have gone under if it wasnt for ADs and mumsnet!! I have a long way to go, i know that, but i know i can do it

aDadGoneMad · 16/10/2007 16:52

It sounds like you're choosing a very hard route blackcat, to try to cope with it all on your own.

I really think you should be sharing this with someone in real life, and also taking the advice of the posters so far on here who have been in situations similar to yours. Lucyellensmum and others seems to be talking a lot of sense.

Hope you can turn a corner soon.

black31cat · 16/10/2007 18:24

I've just been for a long walk to try to sort my head out, and come to the conclusion that I can't do this by myself. I'm going to have a chat with my DH tonight and ask his to ring the surgery for me, as I think that the aqctual telephoning is the stumbling block. I'm not tlike this with other calls, its just medical stuff. When I last saw my GP he said it sounded like i had PTSD, and I'm on the waiting list for counselling. I'd almost got over it but this last hospital stay has brought it all back. I'll keep you posted what happens tomorrow.
Thanks guys, you have given me a bit of a wake up call here. (PS excuse typing, my 8 month DS is "helping").

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