I am so bored of life

[CatRamsey]

Nothing to do with Covid.

Massive woe is me post incoming. Sorry about that.

I am in my mid 20s and have no children. I am bored of life. I have been depressed for about 10 years and at first I held onto the hope that things would get better but it's been so long now I just can't bring myself to believe that anymore. I have seen so many different doctors/therapists/psychiatrists/counsellors both NHS and privately, and I've been on lots of different types of medication. Nothing has helped.

I have no friends. I spend most of my time talking to my mum which I feel shit about because I'm too close to her - she knows everything. I also take up most/all of her time because I have no one else to talk to or do anything with. I live by myself with two cats, who I adore and are my world. In fact they are partly the reason I haven't offed myself yet because I can't bare the thought of them wondering where I am.

I hate my job. I'm not good at anything. Everyone around me is getting promoted and I'm getting rejected despite being in the department longer.

I spend my days playing a computer game which is the only thing I do when I'm not working. I had an interview with a different company the other day and they asked me to talk about myself and I didn't know what to say. I'm too embarrassed to talk about the computer game I play.

I am a part time student but every lesson I slack off and tell myself I'll catch up another time so now I'm really behind and I really cba putting any effort into it.

There are things I'd like to do around the house - paint a room, buy new furniture. But I just cba. If I can be playing my game I'll be doing that and I don't even enjoy it that much sometimes. If I'm not playing the game I'm scrolling through mumsnet on my phone.

I've never been a tidy person but my house is a mess until my mum comes up and tidies it for me. Half the time I go to hers for food so I don't very often cook myself. Why can't I be an ordinary functioning adult?

I hate myself. I am extremely ugly - I'm not just saying that to be negative, it's a true fact. My face is wonky, only half of my mouth moves when I smile. I'm obese. I've put on 3 stone in the last two years and I was already obese before then.

I wear the same scruffy clothes everyday because I don't go anywhere and nothing else looks nice on me. My hair won't grow long. It's wavy and frizzy and I can't do anything with it and it literally makes me feel sick to the point I want to rip it out. I'm disgusting. I want to die.

Tbh I think I'm just lazy. They say if you want to get better you have to put the work into it and the truth it, I don't want to put the work into it. So I either live this miserable half-life or die, right?

I'm so bored, what can I do? I did a mindfulness course once but I can't stick to it. Exercise makes me angry. There's nothing I enjoy.

When I was depressed in my teens I couldn't wait for my twenties because those are what everyone seems to say are 'the best years of your life' and I assumed everything would fall into place. But they're shitter than ever and I don't see the point. I have no faith that anything will change. This boring slog for another approx. 25,000 days.

Please don't tell me to go to the doctors again because I've already been and am waiting on yet another -pointless- referral.

Thank you for reading my self-pitying rant .

Unfortunately life can be very tough.

I'm sorry that your life is as it is.

I think you try and accept your lot for what it is, or you try to make things better than they are now.

I appreciate it must be very disappointing for you.
Life can be.

Pity to settle for it though when you are so young.

But the choice is yours.

You sound really lovely though and so bright.

You also sound hugely self aware which is always a sign of superior intelligence.

Wishing you well.

You sound nice, OP.

And actually pretty normal.

I'm lazy too. But I'm much older than you and I forgave myself long ago.

Love your cats. Play your computer game. You're fine

You say there's nothing you enjoy - but maybe you just haven't found it yet? You're still young. You sound like you're in a bit of a rut, but I'd only call it that if you're not happy with it - and you do sound unhappy.

This is going to sound cheesy and cliched but according to what science has been done on it, what makes people happy is having a job they like, and helping other people. Volunteering to do something like work in a night shelter or clear beaches or whatever needs doing - might sound like hell, but it could get you out of this feeling.

And lots of people don't find their groove in life in their 20s - but do at some point. Can you think about what actually interests you, is there anything you like the sound of? Anything, however daft it might feel. Or just try some new things at random. If your life feels like a boring slog, that probably means you've got more to offer and need more interesting stuff to do.

I'm sorry you feel so bad though. It doesn't have to be like this forever - you could have a totally different life in 5 or 10 years.

I see a lot of myself in what you write. I certainly have days where I feel like you have described.

Mine seems closely linked to my hormones so I'll only feel this bad for about a week per month. But I still feel down about a lot of tythings same stuff the rest of the time.

My hair is awful but I cba going to the hairdressers, it gives me anxiety and I never get my hair how I want it anyway. I wear the same old DREADFUL clothes day in day out because shopping is too difficult, nothing fits. I hate spending money. Cba. I hate returning things. I am fat. Add in eyebrows. Bad skin. Teeth. Etc.

Then I saw something last week that said "choose your hard." It struck a chord.

Shopping, getting treatments and having hair cuts is hard, well it certainly feels like hard work, but feeling down about your appearance is hard too. So, you might as well choose your hard.

Exercise is hard. But so is feeling so down about weight everyday. Choose your hard.

Pushing myself to go to events/classes/etc (in non Covid times) in the vein of meeting new people is hard, but so is being lonely and friendless. Choose your hard.

It might not help you but for me, it really did make me think. Sort of reframed some stuff for me.

I think this is what I saw. Or something similar.

Sorry if it doesn't help. I'm hoping it will.

Im really sorry you feel like this OP. I have has similar feelings in the past but that what depression does to you.

I recommend watching the movie i am pretty it made me cry but also think about my life. I would also try and exercise- not to lose weight but just to get the feel good hormones up. I wasted a lot of my twenties feeling like this but now i feel better. I hope you can change your thinking. You probably have lots of amazing qualities but you are so low in confidence and esteem you dont see it.

Depression is like that: you know what you “should” do but cba doing it! I have asthma. I know HOW to breathe normally when I have an asthma attack, but I can’t. Same thing.

I’ve read something a bit ago that suggested “30 seconds more”. For example, when you get home from work, rather than kicking your shoes off and leaving them where they are, you take 30 seconds more to put them away. You do that for whatever you can - after a meal take 30 seconds to put the plate in the dishwasher/sink, 30 seconds to straighten up the bed before you leave in the morning, etc etc. Every day you manage one or two bouts of “30 seconds more” you make sure to remind yourself of those “wins”. Obviously no one ever does “30 seconds more” of every task, not even the most motivated irritatingly perky person in the world - but that’s not what your aiming for. Just one or two instances of “30 seconds more” a day is good!

Forget the DIY tasks until you’re well, the really big jobs are just a stick to beat yourself with at this point.

Thank you all for being so lovely. I will certainly take some tips on board. I want to believe things will get better but having always thought that and it never happening I feel like it would be naive to believe it. But I suppose I can at least try the small things.

Reading this made me feel so sad. I too have had (still do) times when I just despair of myself!

This may not help I know, as it's a vey hard thing to appreciate, but one amazing thing about your life is that you're still so young! You have SO much life ahead of you and time for things to change.

One thing that gets me down is that I'm in my 40s and I reflect on all the mistakes I made in the past / things I've done / should've done. Having so much time ahead of you is an amazing gift.

But - most importantly, you need to start to develop self-compassion. I really recommend reading up on this and maybe buying a whole book on it and settling down with it for a few weeks and a cup of tea. It could really be life changing.

I also recommend a book called The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. It helped me a lot, and I absolutely recognise the 'beat yourself up' tendencies. It's hard. But please know - you are not alone.

@TinyGarden 40s is not exactly one foot in the grave!

@CatRamsey I think you're okay too. You've got a job, enjoy gaming and see your family.

It's not obligatory to be thin or pretty or very sociable. I'd say you're living as you want to live right now. One person's lazy is another person's chilled out.

If you get the energy to change or do stuff then be open to it and follow through. Until then enjoy it as you are.

Life isn't a race/glamour competition/wealth accumulation contest. It's just what you enjoy if you're lucky.

Thank you.

I'm struggling today. I keep fussing my double chin so it's really irritable now. I suffer with OCD, not the stereotypical cleaning type but intrusive thoughts and compulsions. I have loads of tics and I'm just fussing and obsessing today. I'm back in bed now as sleeping feels like the only way to get rid of these feelings, even for a bit.

Sleep well, OP. Sleep is good and we should do that whenever we need to.

When you wake up, if you had to pick one thing off your list that you wish - more than the others - was different, which one would it be?

That's quite a list you have given yourself and I'm not surprised it's overwhelming.

If you want things to change, take the computer game off yourself. It'll leave a gap. DO NOT FILL THE GAP WITH ANOTHER COMPUTER GAME.

Watch and wait.

Something new will happen.

I could have written this about myself in my twenties....I was diagnosed with autism at 36.

You mention ocd and tics...these are common co-morbities of neurological disorders such as ASD. It may be worth reading up on ASD in women as it is hopelessly under-diagnosed.

Don't feel bad for loving your computer game and being too close to your mum! Those are two POSITIVE things in your life. Even if you have more going on I'd hope you still had such an open and supportive relationship with your mum.

It's ok to not have it all. The only thing you really need in life is to feel ok. How you feel ok is different for everyone but I think the most successful people are the ones who are ok with very little.

It’s probably the game. Playing it has messed up your dopamine levels to the extent that you can no longer get excited about anything, including the game.

You're very young. Things can (and will) change. Look into executive functioning skills. Deficiencies in this area (often ADHD, dyspraxia, asd) might be why you can't figure out how to initiate things. Quit the game cold turkey and try to find something else - try to see if you can accomplish something challenging on your own (like a crossword or puzzle or something that you might normally give up on). Work on learning to challenge yourself and complete tasks. One small step at s time.

I agree to a certain extent about the game... I really like computer games and during lockdown got into a strategic war game which was extremely time consuming but led nowhere and had no end... it made me feel better for a bit but then just made me stressed and there was no end to it. So I stopped playing and started decorating. Decorating is great for a quick reward for little effort. A few hours painting and you have a lovely new outlook on a room that you did 😃 maybe try throwing yourself into that with some music on and buy some nice pictures. It may not fix everything but your environment can make a huge difference.

Another one who was exactly the same. Diagnosed ASD aged 40. Not saying this is the case for you OP but it is so common for females with ASD to have been misdiagnosed as depressed /anxiety/ OCD. Also females present differently to the typical ‘male’ view of autism so maybe worth looking at to see if it makes sense to you

I'm really sorry you're so depressed and things are shit for you right now.

Just wanted to say - my twenties were an extremely brutal decade for me too. But things did get better. Much, much better.

I'm so thankful for my life now, and you can be one day too Please hang on!

What did you enjoy doing before your mental health was hit by a truck? When you were a small child? What interests did you have then? Art or music or sport or reading or something else?

@hellolittlebaby that post is so spot on. Someone told me that a couple of years ago and it changed my outlook.

20s are when you find yourself, 30s are when you create yourself, 40s are when you enjoy yourself, 50s are when you stop giving a fuck what people think live your divine purpose do what you like.

Some of what you describe sounds like ADHD. I think a part time job and part time study is quite a big mental load. What about drawing up a timetable?

It gets better I promise Op, kind strangers on the internet believe in you, even if you don't.

Some of what you say makes me wonder if it's possible you have ADHD. Look up some of the symptoms in adult females.

The reality is that you are young with a fuck ton of potential and life ahead. You're only on about chapter two!

Hey op, you sound awesome!

Is the game you play The Sims by any chance? I play it most days, i enjoy having a 'perfect life' on it.

I'm also a student but lacking motivation lately.

If you'd ever like to chat im here.

Hey op, you sound awesome!

Is the game you play The Sims by any chance? I play it most days, i enjoy having a 'perfect life' on it.

I'm also a student but lacking motivation lately.

If you'd ever like to chat im here.