I am so bored of life

[CatRamsey]

Nothing to do with Covid.

Massive woe is me post incoming. Sorry about that.

I am in my mid 20s and have no children. I am bored of life. I have been depressed for about 10 years and at first I held onto the hope that things would get better but it's been so long now I just can't bring myself to believe that anymore. I have seen so many different doctors/therapists/psychiatrists/counsellors both NHS and privately, and I've been on lots of different types of medication. Nothing has helped.

I have no friends. I spend most of my time talking to my mum which I feel shit about because I'm too close to her - she knows everything. I also take up most/all of her time because I have no one else to talk to or do anything with. I live by myself with two cats, who I adore and are my world. In fact they are partly the reason I haven't offed myself yet because I can't bare the thought of them wondering where I am.

I hate my job. I'm not good at anything. Everyone around me is getting promoted and I'm getting rejected despite being in the department longer.

I spend my days playing a computer game which is the only thing I do when I'm not working. I had an interview with a different company the other day and they asked me to talk about myself and I didn't know what to say. I'm too embarrassed to talk about the computer game I play.

I am a part time student but every lesson I slack off and tell myself I'll catch up another time so now I'm really behind and I really cba putting any effort into it.

There are things I'd like to do around the house - paint a room, buy new furniture. But I just cba. If I can be playing my game I'll be doing that and I don't even enjoy it that much sometimes. If I'm not playing the game I'm scrolling through mumsnet on my phone.

I've never been a tidy person but my house is a mess until my mum comes up and tidies it for me. Half the time I go to hers for food so I don't very often cook myself. Why can't I be an ordinary functioning adult?

I hate myself. I am extremely ugly - I'm not just saying that to be negative, it's a true fact. My face is wonky, only half of my mouth moves when I smile. I'm obese. I've put on 3 stone in the last two years and I was already obese before then.

I wear the same scruffy clothes everyday because I don't go anywhere and nothing else looks nice on me. My hair won't grow long. It's wavy and frizzy and I can't do anything with it and it literally makes me feel sick to the point I want to rip it out. I'm disgusting. I want to die.

Tbh I think I'm just lazy. They say if you want to get better you have to put the work into it and the truth it, I don't want to put the work into it. So I either live this miserable half-life or die, right?

I'm so bored, what can I do? I did a mindfulness course once but I can't stick to it. Exercise makes me angry. There's nothing I enjoy.

When I was depressed in my teens I couldn't wait for my twenties because those are what everyone seems to say are 'the best years of your life' and I assumed everything would fall into place. But they're shitter than ever and I don't see the point. I have no faith that anything will change. This boring slog for another approx. 25,000 days.

Please don't tell me to go to the doctors again because I've already been and am waiting on yet another -pointless- referral.

Thank you for reading my self-pitying rant .

Well done for reaching out, that’s the hardest part. Now everything else will only be easier.

Reading your OP, I wouldn’t necessarily say you are bored. You are lacking a sense of achievement. That happy, fuzzy, warm feeling that bubbles up in your stomach when you know you have done something worthwhile. Personally I call that sense of achievement.
I used to be a bit of a sports junkie in my teenage years, all in search of that small fleeing moment of pure satisfaction. From a good shot, a goal, a catch. You will find your own way to get that buzz. It’s what makes you human.

Computer games are designed to simulate that feeling. A constant buzz for your brain but it is sadly rather hollow and numbing in the long run because unless your body follows suit the brain buzz just isn’t quite enough. Leaves you wanting more and never fulfilling.

I would suggest start with cooking. Food as been around as long as humans have been around. Food is rich with history, politics, socials and ultimately food is fun!
Start learning to cook. I don’t mean making edibles to sustain life. I mean real cooking where you understand the significance of each step.
Start with eggs. boiled eggs. Soft boiled, hard boiled, pair it with Avocado toast 😝 egg sandwich. Make your own Mayonnaise. Make your own bread!
Try it out. Trust me this is fun and it will bring you friends. Everyone loves food, we simply cannot love without it. Being good with food means being good with one thing that is on par with oxygen and water, imagine how important you will be!

Try baking. I find watching a cake rise in the oven so satisfying. Like my own little chemistry project.
Attend culinary classes. Those are the warmest people, so full of compassion.
Write a food journal of your latest recipes.
Clean up the kitchen area for your new exciting spices and flours, yes, multiple types of flours.
Invite your mother and her friends over to try your latest creations.
Take your creations to work to share!

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I think a half smile could be quite charming, in a bad ass way.
Cook your way into your man’s heart 😉 😆

Thank you all again for being so kind.

For those saying about ASD/ADHD, I have wondered about both of those things myself. I've looked a little further into it and although I'm not entirely sure about ASD I definitely think I tick the boxes for ADHD. I'll dig deeper into that.

@namechange8471 yes it's the Sims! . I'm a bit embarrassed about it because although I've always loved it, when people ask me what games I play I feel like they're expecting me to say something a bit more... 'cool' if that makes sense? I feel so childish saying that but it's the only way I can describe it!

@roastedsaltedpeanut your post made me smile! At first I was like... I cba with that... but then I kept reading and you really sold it to me! It's not something I ever thought I would do but maybe it'll surprise me. I'll definitely look into it.

Thank you everyone. I was nervous about posting but you've all been so kind!

@hellolittlebaby

Thank you for posting that, it is extremely intuitive.

OP,
We all have days when we want to climb back into bed, I have had several of them since Covid started.

Funnily enough I felt like this in my 20's too.
I didn't understand what it was as it was 35+ years ago.
But sometimes I just felt a bit hopeless, overwhelmed and just needed the safety of bed.
Looking back I definitely think it was low mood, maybe hormones.

Try not to beat yourself up about your fussing and be kind to yourself.

Keep posting.
Get those thoughts out there.

Your self awareness is great.

I certainly couldn't have articulated how I felt even a tiny fraction as well as you have.

@roastedsaltedpeanut
Travelling eating and cooking became great sources of joy for me.

Learning to cook and bake is enormously fulfilling.

Take care

@hellolittlebaby

Thank you for posting that, it is extremely intuitive.

OP,
We all have days when we want to climb back into bed, I have had several of them since Covid started.

Funnily enough I felt like this in my 20's too.
I didn't understand what it was as it was 35+ years ago.
But sometimes I just felt a bit hopeless, overwhelmed and just needed the safety of bed.
Looking back I definitely think it was low mood, maybe hormones.

Try not to beat yourself up about your fussing and be kind to yourself.

Keep posting.
Get those thoughts out there.

Your self awareness is great.

I certainly couldn't have articulated how I felt even a tiny fraction as well as you have.

@roastedsaltedpeanut
Travelling eating and cooking became great sources of joy for me.

Learning to cook and bake is enormously fulfilling.

Take care

This sounds very much like me in my twenties. I also think I probably have undiagnosed ASD.

What helped me was finding a hobby to engage with. I got into something quite geeky that I love (but am slightly too ashamed to admit on here) and I found it easier to navigate friendships there. In lart because we had the hobby to talk about and probably in part because there were a lot of other people with ASD there.

I'm 40 now and a functional person. I have a small number of good friends a partner (met through my hobby) and kids. I like my job. I'm still fat and ugly, but I don't feel like those qualities define my worth as a person. I'm close to my mum, and there's nothing wrong with that.

If you would like to talk a bit more openly by pm I woukd be very happy to - your post reminds me of quite a dark time in my life and I would love to help.

I can't cope today. I wanted to wear something different to everyday and now I know exactly why I don't. Nothing fits. I've ended up wearing a top that's too small and I'm so uncomfortable. Also I'm always sweaty. No matter how much I wash I sweat so what's the point. No one likes a sweaty person. My face is disgusting. My hair is truly vile. I was out for a walk and so so so conscious because I could picture what people see when they look at me and it makes me feel sick. I could see my shadow and it was disgusting. If I saw myself walking down the street I would want to push myself into the road in front of a car and kick and punch myself until I bleed and die. It's satisfying thinking about that. I hate feeling so repulsive. I can't cope and I don't want to cope. I don't want to have to live this repulsive life anymore.

I'm sorry for continuously posting. It's kind of like an outlet for me, somewhere I can rant and I don't expect anyone to keep replying.

I used to be very depressed & hate myself like you do.
I tried citalopram & Sertraline but they didn't work for me, it's taken a high dose of Venlafaxine to take the depression away.

Probably the doctors just need to get the meds right - and give them chance to work as well.
They take several weeks to work & side effects can take weeks to settle.
So hang in there & wait for your referral to come through.

When you feel suicidal phone your gp surgery and tell them. Ask to speak to a nurse or dr. Be honest about how bad you feel. Keep pushing for help.
I found that to get the right kind of help I had to be both pushy & honest.

(I found that therapy didn't work for me that well as I also have Schizoaffective disorder but that's another story).

Try some mindfulness techniques when you feel bad but I think serious therapy is for when your depression starts to lift.

Oh that's not good, CatRamsey, you're so bloody hard on yourself.

I have a jumper, the most snuggliest, most comfortable thing ever, it's huge and truly will fit anybody. I have two - would you like one of them? It's yours if so. Just the feeling of something that 'fits' can really lift your spirits.

Perfume/fragrance is my thing. Since I stopped smoking years ago, I indulge in the good stuff and, if I'm having a crap day, a spritz of it really helps.

I don't get on with anti-depressants but I do swear by KarmaMood max strength St John's Wort. You can get cheaper versions but they never worked for me - that one does. Cheaper from Schwabe and I really recommend them, but you can get it anywhere online.

Please will you speak to somebody about your sadness, it's beyond what I think you can manage yourself.

I've tried the three you mentioned and now fluoxetine. The way I see it though is no amount or medication or therapy is going to stop me from being so repulsive and vile. I'm always going to look like this.

Thank you for the offer of the jumper that's really sweet of you. I won't take it off you though . I will look up the St John's Wort. Thank you.

Give the fluoxetine a chance..
please don't think you are repulsive, I bet your cats definitely don't think you are!
You are probably their whole world!

My cat is a very nervous indoor rescue cat & very needy so she's often the reason I have to get up early ish to feed her or I get a claw in my face...
She also loves to play a lot which cheers me up if I get stressed.

Btw When you stroke a cat it's supposedly be good for you & lower your blood pressure or something? And help with stress.

@CatRamsey this thread is still making me feel so sad! Please look up self-compassion and please give yourself a break. I say this whilst knowing how you feel. I think you're in such a low place at the moment you would really benefit from talking to a professional. Can you investigate the possibility of some online counselling at the moment? Talking therapy really can help.

I know how you feel. Sometimes in shops I can't look shopkeepers in the eye because I have such low self-esteem. Often, these problems are rooted in our pasts. It's just not your fault you feel this way. But you can try and reframe the reality you're currently seeing.

Please look into that Singer book I mentioned before.

@TinyGarden Sorry for making you sad! I have just ordered the book from Amazon a bit of late night self-pitying shopping never hurt anyone right? Thank you for the recommendation I look forward to reading it!

I think I might contact my doctors tomorrow to chase up the phycologist referral I'm waiting on.

Thanks all .

Sorry you aren't feeling so good at the moment OP.

You are definitely not repulsive though. Imagine if you saw someone walking down the street that looked a little like you, what would you think? You would probably think nothing of it, just "there's a person", because they are just some person walking down the street. That's what people think when they see you. Even being obese won't make you stand out, as I'm sure you've noticed many of us are.

I don't think it's bad to play computer games as a hobby. Just ask half the men out there!

I'm not good at my job either so I feel you on that. Also like you I love cats, I volunteer at a shelter and foster cats too. Would that be something you would be interested in as a new hobby?

Not sure if this relates to you, but I think expectations of times in life can lead to disappointment. Mine was university - I heard so much about how it would be so great, interesting, the social life, first step in a great career, etc. Nope it was none of those things. My course was boring, didn't make a single friend in 4 years and my career (if you can call it that) is shit!

I was depressed at the time and for years after, wondering "when are my best years going to be?". Now I realise there is no such thing really. Every year of life has good and bad. Even if the good is just small things like nice food, a laugh with a colleague or seeing a baby bird in spring.

[quote CatRamsey]@TinyGarden Sorry for making you sad! I have just ordered the book from Amazon a bit of late night self-pitying shopping never hurt anyone right? Thank you for the recommendation I look forward to reading it!

I think I might contact my doctors tomorrow to chase up the phycologist referral I'm waiting on.

Thanks all .[/quote]
I'm so glad - well done @CatRamsey. Baby steps!

I would actually start with Chapter 10 'Stealing Freedom from your Soul', then go back to the start. (Sounds very out there, but it's a brilliant chapter. It shows you why you don't have to live in pain any more.) I hope you enjoy it and get a lot out of it.

First day back WFH after a week off and feeling so crap. Hate this job so much and have college later which is also online at the moment so I don't enjoy that either. It's really making me think what is the point in life if this is all it is.

@CatRamsey I'm really not enjoying lockdown either, it's so boring!!

I do get to go to work with the public 3 shifts a week though. But that's still another 4 days to fill. I can't work more hours because of my health problems.

I think you will feel better once lockdown is over as will most people to be fair; meanwhile use the time to think about what type of job or career you would prefer going forward.
When I was early 20s I did office admin work & it bored me rigid!
I'm currently a healthcare assistant in a hospital & it's busy but interesting. I actually enjoy my job. Yet I never saw myself as doing this type of job when I was younger. I've met some good friends doing healthcare work too.
So a job or career change can really improve your life.

Life doesn't have to stay the same you could also plan to save up to travel a bit when Covid is over. Personally I can't travel for long periods so I like to go for abroad for a week at a time, book a cheap air bnb, get cheap flights & eat local food.

@Terralee I'm in Wales and our lockdown was lifted today! It's just typical I had last week off instead (booked in advanced!) if I had known I could've actually gone out and done something today.

Thank you for your reply. I recently had an interview for a job that I think went well and am anxious to hear back from them! I do think changing my job would make such a difference.

That's typical regarding annual leave, mine is all next week, dreading it.

Hope you hear good news from your job interview then.

Not coping today. I can't cope with this giant double chin it's repulsive. Sorry for coming back all the time I just don't know what else to do. I can't believe that this is how I look. I look at myself and I'm just vile and abhorrent. I want to die.

The chances are that your focusing on bits of your body and they seem worse than they are because of how you feel about yourself (look up body dysmorphia).

But even if you are right, remember that your value as a person doesn't depend on looks, it depends on who you are on the inside.

If you were to die, your mum would miss you. I bet other people would too. And while you are still alive things can get better. Take things ten minutes at a time if they get really bad. Find something that makes the next ten minutes bearable. Can you tell your mum how you are feeling?

Keep posting for support. Would posting on the mental health board be more helpful OP. Lots of support and experience in there. More traffic too

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.