I am so bored of life

[CatRamsey]

Nothing to do with Covid.

Massive woe is me post incoming. Sorry about that.

I am in my mid 20s and have no children. I am bored of life. I have been depressed for about 10 years and at first I held onto the hope that things would get better but it's been so long now I just can't bring myself to believe that anymore. I have seen so many different doctors/therapists/psychiatrists/counsellors both NHS and privately, and I've been on lots of different types of medication. Nothing has helped.

I have no friends. I spend most of my time talking to my mum which I feel shit about because I'm too close to her - she knows everything. I also take up most/all of her time because I have no one else to talk to or do anything with. I live by myself with two cats, who I adore and are my world. In fact they are partly the reason I haven't offed myself yet because I can't bare the thought of them wondering where I am.

I hate my job. I'm not good at anything. Everyone around me is getting promoted and I'm getting rejected despite being in the department longer.

I spend my days playing a computer game which is the only thing I do when I'm not working. I had an interview with a different company the other day and they asked me to talk about myself and I didn't know what to say. I'm too embarrassed to talk about the computer game I play.

I am a part time student but every lesson I slack off and tell myself I'll catch up another time so now I'm really behind and I really cba putting any effort into it.

There are things I'd like to do around the house - paint a room, buy new furniture. But I just cba. If I can be playing my game I'll be doing that and I don't even enjoy it that much sometimes. If I'm not playing the game I'm scrolling through mumsnet on my phone.

I've never been a tidy person but my house is a mess until my mum comes up and tidies it for me. Half the time I go to hers for food so I don't very often cook myself. Why can't I be an ordinary functioning adult?

I hate myself. I am extremely ugly - I'm not just saying that to be negative, it's a true fact. My face is wonky, only half of my mouth moves when I smile. I'm obese. I've put on 3 stone in the last two years and I was already obese before then.

I wear the same scruffy clothes everyday because I don't go anywhere and nothing else looks nice on me. My hair won't grow long. It's wavy and frizzy and I can't do anything with it and it literally makes me feel sick to the point I want to rip it out. I'm disgusting. I want to die.

Tbh I think I'm just lazy. They say if you want to get better you have to put the work into it and the truth it, I don't want to put the work into it. So I either live this miserable half-life or die, right?

I'm so bored, what can I do? I did a mindfulness course once but I can't stick to it. Exercise makes me angry. There's nothing I enjoy.

When I was depressed in my teens I couldn't wait for my twenties because those are what everyone seems to say are 'the best years of your life' and I assumed everything would fall into place. But they're shitter than ever and I don't see the point. I have no faith that anything will change. This boring slog for another approx. 25,000 days.

Please don't tell me to go to the doctors again because I've already been and am waiting on yet another -pointless- referral.

Thank you for reading my self-pitying rant .

Hi @CatRamsey how are you feeling now?

Do you think your addiction to this computer game is a symptom of your mental health problems or a contributing factor? As a smartphone addict myself i have to say it doesn't help.

I also thought i was hideous when i was your age. Nearly 20 years later i can see that my face was perfctly ok but my self esteem was ridiculously low. You really do need as much support with your mental health as possible. Urgently. It sounds like you don't really know who you are - so how can you know how to go about improving your life?!

And on a lighter note only half of Milo Ventimiglia's mouth moves when he smiles and he's blooming gorgeous!

Hi. Thanks for checking in on me.

I'm not sure how I feel right now, it changes so much. When I start up my work laptop in the morning I see my reflection on the screen and that makes me miserable straight away - all double chin and frown lines. My mum knows how I feel but she doesn't always know what to say and I burden her a lot so sometimes I feel like I need someone else to talk to. I used the text crisis line Shout the other day as I don't like to talk on the phone and they gave me some resources. I just feel like my mind is so complex and that there's something really wrong with me that hasn't been figured out yet.

My latest tic is to hold my breath. Only for a few seconds but doing that constantly is making me lightheaded and breathless and just feeling unwell all day.

Not sure if the game makes me better or worse. Sometimes I really enjoy it but others not so much.

I've actually kept myself occupied with Christmas shopping. I'm never this organised! But I love making people happy and finding things I know people will love so I've been spending lots of money lately, but it's okay because I don't usually spend much and I can afford it and I'm sensible with money.

I definitely agree that I don't know who I am. That's really hard. I feel like I don't fit the image of what I thought a young woman in their 20s looks like and acts like. I feel like I couldn't wait to be that woman, and whereas everyone else has become her I'm still struggling. I've just turned 25 and it's scared me a bit. I know everyone will tell me I'm so young but I'm on the other side of my 20s now and I feel like the finding myself should've already happened. I feel like it's too late. There are 16 year olds who seem to know themselves better than I do.

I broke up with my ex when I was 22
and I wish I'd really worked on myself then and by now I could be a happy new person. But instead everything gets worse and worse and I don't have any hope for the future anymore. I don't ever think I will be that happy new person. 22 seems so much younger than 25.

I'm waffling now. It's hard to explain the thoughts in my head.

Hi, firstly regarding appearance- your frown lines are probably a momentary thing from looking at a screen. At 25 you don't usually have permanent frown lines.

I'm 44 & just starting to get them now but only when I squint in the sun, or don't put my glasses on!

Also remember to try to relax your face as it takes more muscles to frown which can give you a headache!

Regarding double chin - at approx 14 stone I had a double chin now I'm down to 12 stone 5 & it's gone, I've got 2 stone 5 to lose yet.

At 25 your skin will have lots of collagen so won't sag if you lose weight, even mine hasn't sagged at all.

I suggest counting calories to lose a few pounds but only when you feel up to it.

But I wouldn't go lower than 1500 calories a day. You want to aim to lose 1-2 pounds a week which seems slow but will stay off longer. At first you do lose up to 6 pounds in 1 or 2 weeks though.

I find binge eating for comfort hard to beat though so I just don't keep crap in the house anymore. I try this distract myself when I want to binge.

Basically 25 is so young but i remember having a quarter life crisis then! Also I didn't feel confident in my appearance until I was much older.
I wish I'd had the confidence I have now back in my 20s!
Honestly though there is no one way a woman in her 20s is supposed to be like & you have your whole life to do things that you think you have to do in your 20s.
You've got a lot more time ahead of you than you think.

Ps holding your breath is bad for you, instead try breathing mindfully.

I was taught in therapy that when I'm stressed I should breathe in for a count of 3 seconds then out for 3 seconds, do this a few times & it regulates your system apparently.

Thank you. I know I'm being silly it's just hard. The frown lines I think are from a tic it was one I started at 14, basically just frowning all the time so I feel like I have indented the lines there now.

I'm feeling sorry for myself at the moment for tying myself down - I absolutely love my cats to pieces and wouldn't want to be without them, but I keep thinking about how if I didn't have them I could move anywhere... I don't know if I'd actually do it though but the feeling of being tied down is quite scary. It's like I resent them a bit and I hate that I feel like that because I also love them to absolute pieces.

I think we are all broken and flawed in some way op, but still beautiful. I don't know how to explain or communicate it but you need to focus on appreciating what you have. I often try when I am doing my own head in to say to myself what would I say to a friend experiencing this? And when I have thought then say those things to myself. It sounds like you just need to know you are not alone and things will be okay. I know you've had a book suggestion but Bryony Gordon is quite good. She also runs Mental Health Mates where people meet up for walks. Just focus on making one day a good day at a time

It's often best to deal with the issues you have first rather than moving away as the issues will just move with you.

In the future if you wanted to go to a different area take the cats with you; or if you go traveling ask your mum if she would care for them temporarily.
It doesn't mean you love them any less.

My cat has actually ventured out from behind the sofa while the gas man was here fixing a pump; I was shocked as my cat is usually terrified of men!
I was thinking oh my god if I meet a man will she hate him? But now I have a bit of hope that if I get a boyfriend she won't live in hiding haha.
Pets are so complicated!!

OP, being so bored is your mind telling you that you need to change things in your life. Life isn't boring, you're just under-stimulated and over-invested in a game because it's 'safe' and gives you instant gratification.
I agree with a PP - remove the game from your life (in stages if it's too hard at once). Wait and see what you're moved to do next.

OP I wish your self esteem was better as I know I would respect and believe in you and value you if met you .
I listened to an interesting talk to stop negative thoughts recently as I struggle with judging myself too and low self esteem; it gave an example of a young man who hated his nose and was asked to think of something about himself he liked (As it happens he liked his hair ) . Every time he was bothered by his nose he had to instead think of his hair and feel pleased about it , and within 21 days this sets a new , healthier pattern of thinking apparently due to our neuroplasticity (our brains adapt even as adults ). Do try it as I am going to try to -on my case I don’t care about my personal appearance but judge myself horribly on not achieving anything despite a very good education . It can become really hard and I hope thinking of positives can help you too