I don’t want to be here anymore.

[Rosebudsandraindrops]

I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t really want to kill myself but I can see no other way out of the situation I am in.
If there was an off button I’d press it. I’m worried about the possibility of harming myself going wrong and being left in a worse position that I am now.
I don’t want to and won’t contact the gp. They have enough actually ill people to deal with and a large part of me also feels that I am a poor investment. What difference does it make if I’m here or not. I feel as though no difference.
I am taking it hour by hour at the moment because I don’t know what else to do. I’ve been here before but this time I feel much more strongly about it. I don’t even know why I’m posting, I can’t expect strangers on a forum to help me when I can’t help myself.

Here to listen if it could help. These are the worst of times generally, if you are suffering with other issues as well I can see how it would all feel too much. Please call a friend or Samaritans if failing that, please keep posting.

So sorry you feel this way OP . Is there someone IRL you can speak to? Or the Samaritans? Or us? Mumsnet is lovely for trouble sharing

Thank you.
I don’t want to put this on a friend and it is my own fault that I am in the situation I am in.
But my children are clearly entirely innocent in this and I don’t want to upset them. I just cannot see a way forwards. I feel very detached from it and gradually I’ve been feeling worse and worse for about five years. I am looking for work at the moment having been a sahm, but I’ve had no luck so far and don’t anticipate doing so because of being a sahm and now I’m old and unskilled. Which means I will also have no money.
I can’t see any hope anywhere and I think that’s the difference this time. Before I’ve always had some hope and now I don’t think there is any. I feel every day I can hold on in there for my children is a bonus, because really all I think about is not being here.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real life help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves emotionally to another poster than they can afford to spare.

You must see your GP. You are unwell. They can help you. You deserve to be well. Your children deserve to have a well parent.
It’s your illness that makes you think you’re a “poor investment” and that it makes no difference if you’re here. It would make an almighty difference to your children. For their whole lives.

I think my son would be ok but my daughter is only 4. I have not been well since having her despite a load of counselling privately and on the nhs.
I have never taken medication, partly because my husband is very against it, although not just that. I don’t want to take it particularly.
I just feel done. I don’t feel sad about it. I feel embarrassed of my life, I don’t know how all my friends - who have excellent careers as well as families - manage it. I feel like I’ve never grown up and I went from my parents’ to dh - always sponging off someone.
I just feel done.

Oh OP. Stay.
Your children need you. You need to visit the GP you're unwell.
It doesn't matter your husband is against medication. This is your body. I find that slightly alarming tbh.
Please do reach out to someone. Some people portray a beautiful life but a smile can hide a lot.
We don't really know how people are feeling most of the time.
You will get through this. Please speak to someone x

you are deserving of help OP! What you're describing sounds exactly like depression. It is a horrible, horrible illness that sucks all the light and hope from you and it can feel impossible to see a way forward but you can get through it. Please see your GP or talk to someone in RL. And do keep taking here.

That’s because you’re unwell. You must seek treatment. That may or may not be meds. Your husband doesn’t get to be against it if it’s what you need.
BOTH your kids need you. Imagine them going through their whole lives without a mum. Heartbreaking. Call the GP. Today.

The Samaritans are great. Wishing you all the best.

But equally their whole lives with a depressed mum isn’t a lot better.
I do my best but I enjoy none of it. I am checked out and feel nothing.

A life with a depressed mum who keeps it under control via medication is exponentially better than a life without a Mum because she killed herself.

You don’t want to take medication- no one does. But sometimes we have to. Would your husband be against asthma inhalers, or antibiotics?

Even if you believe you are a bad investment; do you believe that about your children too? The NHS would gladly spend a few quid on anti depressants to keep your children’s mother alive.

Take the drugs. If we’re all wrong and they don’t work, reconsider in six months. But you owe your kids that before you visit this trauma on them.

You need to go to your GP. Feeling like this is an illness. It is treatable.
Go to your GP. Take the meds. For now. When you feel better, you can stop.
Your children need you and love you. You deserve to be here and need help.
Big hugs

A lot of lovely people on here will have great advice for you,I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and your not alone.Your kids need you whether you think they do or not!kids need their mum.Take care xx

Has something specific happened?

OP sorry you're feeling like this.
You're not a poor investment.
Hope you can talk to someone irl.

I don’t want to put it onto anyone in real life. It sounds like attention seeking. I just want to be gone. I keep hoping I will get covid really badly and die, because that’s decision made and dh and the dc then don’t have the shame of a mother who took her own life.
I want to be gone, I am done, I don’t understand what’s stopping me.

Ironically my MiL takes antidepressants since my FiL died and dh encouraged her to take them so she’d feel better but he is against my taking them. I’m not certain why. He’s worried they are addictive I think and he also says I’ve nothing to be depressed about and if I think I’ve got it hard now I need a wake up call.
He’s right. It’s pathetic.

Hi OP. I was very depressed after the birth of my boy. I felt like you, checked out, no emotion, nothing to live for. I almost felt like the only reason I didn’t take my own life was because ‘I couldn’t be bothered’. Now I look back and don’t recognise those feelings at all- things are so much better now.
You need and deserve proper help. For me- having previously been against medication- sertraline saved my life. I went from being catatonic to bEing able to get out of bed, go for a walk, meet friends. It still wasn’t enjoyable, but slowly being able to do these things again helped me feel the joy in life again.
Can you show your husband this thread? A common misconception about suicidal thoughts is that it’s ‘attention seeking’. Well, it should be! You deserve attention when you’re feeling this way- you deserve love, attention and medical treatment.
Depression is such a fucker. I couldn’t believe how low I’d got, how warped my thinking was.
Even if you’re feeling robotic, can you robotically make a doctors appointment? Robotically go there and tell them how you feel? Can you hold on long enough to start on medication? There’s literally nothing wrong with being on antidepressants- what you’re experiencing is an imbalance, that drugs will help put right. Medication could be the first step in feeling better. Sending much love x

Please please get help OP. Ring your GP and take the help offered. Your children love and need you, no-one could ever replace their mum. I suffer horribly from depression and anxiety and I have been where you are now. Please reach out for that help, you will not regret it. xx

Hi OP it sounds like you are depressed and this is an illness, you need to see your GP right away, it's a chemical imbalance in your brain to make you feel like this, it's not attention seeking its a real thing, would you go to the hospital if you broke your leg?
You are not a waste of space, your a mother and a wife who has been raising her children and they need you. Get better for them, I promise you won't always feel like this, I know you can't see this now as you are so far into it you cannot see a way out but trust us, you have started a MN thread about it so you have reached out to people and you need to take the advice given to you. Mental health is serious and acknowledged now, there is no need to feel ashamed. Hand hold OP, and a big hug too, I have been this low before and it's awful, like you I wanted to end it but was scared to do it and what if it went wrong, I went to the doctors and got help and now I'm ok, still have bad days but overall I am so much stronger now and can push through the bad days, it really is a hormonal imbalance and you need help with this, keep talking to us OP

It’s my situation too.
Previously I’ve maintained some sense of humour and hope but I don’t feel that now.
I don’t really understand what went wrong, i did well at school. I got a good degree from a university. A professional post grad qualification and yet here I am, late 30s, achieved nothing and now it’s too late.
This is why when my friends worry about how well their children are doing in exams etc I say don’t worry - it’s meaningless.

Maybe you should gently explain to your husband that depression is not as simple as having nothing to be depressed about. Medication for depression is no different than a plaster or a sling on an obviously damaged limb, the only difference is you can't see the damage. Please ring your GP medication would really help and it is not your husband's decision. You feel you have achieved nothing which is not true, look at your children and your home. They may not be the achievements you were expecting with a degree but they are awesome and want you to stay with them.

But most people achieve a family and a career.
Why is it I’ve only done one of those things? The easier one in most cases - because let’s face it most people have children at the drop of a hat. I didn’t, it took me two losses and fertility treatment so I couldn’t even do that 😂😂

I am where you are now. Due to a particular situation that I can't change and I feel huge regret over. I am having therapy and am taking medication. I have resisted medication for a long time but I need it right now. I am not ok. My kids can see how sad and detached I am, every morning getting out of bed is hard. But I am still here. I hope my children will appreciate that, even though they have a Mum who has a similar level of dependence to you and has never really grown up. It is hard. Please hang in there though OP. Please take medication just to keep you alive. Please. Your kids need you here.