I don’t want to be here anymore.

[Rosebudsandraindrops]

I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t really want to kill myself but I can see no other way out of the situation I am in.
If there was an off button I’d press it. I’m worried about the possibility of harming myself going wrong and being left in a worse position that I am now.
I don’t want to and won’t contact the gp. They have enough actually ill people to deal with and a large part of me also feels that I am a poor investment. What difference does it make if I’m here or not. I feel as though no difference.
I am taking it hour by hour at the moment because I don’t know what else to do. I’ve been here before but this time I feel much more strongly about it. I don’t even know why I’m posting, I can’t expect strangers on a forum to help me when I can’t help myself.

@Rosebudsandraindrops - honestly, you need to speak to your GP and take medication. If your children were in the same situation, you would want them to get help. You need to take care of yourself to be able to take care of others.

I feel I can understand your feelings about being a sahm and questioning what you have achieved after working hard academically and expecting to have a successful career by now, especially when it seems like every other mum in the playground has a great job and is earning their own money. I have on occasion been through the same questions about the way my own life has so far steered me.
Currently there is also quite a noticeable undercurrent of pressure for both parents to work and also sometimes a feeling that SAHM’s are looked down upon a bit. That they have an easy life and get to flounce around having coffee and buying things with someone else’s hard earned money.
However, it is all about perspective and I have the following considerations to give to you in the hope it can help you to realise the value you hold.

Without you your family wouldn’t be surviving nearly as successfully. I don’t know your personal circumstances but as an example, without you reliably at home, your DH couldn’t work long hours or travel to get that promotion and bring more money home, without your budgeting skills for maintaining the best deals for utilities and food shopping, excess family money would be spent. Without your planning and organisation, your children wouldn’t have regular meals, clean clothes, the glue stick they need in their pencil case or the gift for the birthday party child at the soft play party at the weekend. These may seem like insignificant jobs at the time but actually when you put them all together, you are the entire glue that holds the whole operation of your family together. This has a knock on effect on their happiness, their success and their positive experience of life - utterly essential and surely one of the best achievements anyone could make. I know you’re struggling right now and may feel you’re not achieving some of the things I’ve listed at the moment but please try to realise your value and ignore the modern lack of appreciation for stay at home parents.
Personally I have decided to take this perspective and to be at peace with my decision not to have yet used my degree and focused instead on helping to raise my young family. My DH works to provide the financial aspect, but I work to provide a million other things, physically and emotionally, and together we are a team trying to do our best. Once my DC get a bit older I’m sure I will have the chance to find a job but until then I want to be happy and satisfied with where I am right now. I really hope you can find the same resolution and wish you all the best. You must also of course seek any professional help you may need to push through this time.

The career thing is just a stick to beat yourself with- if you had a high flying career, you’d find something else to beat yourself up about- thats what depression does.
If that really is something that bothers you, then don’t feel like that part of your life is over just because you’ve had kids. Once your children are at school you will have more time to think about what it is you want to do, and how to go about it.

I speak as someone who was obsessed with career before having a baby and worried endlessly about my place in the world without it.

What I’ve realised since getting better from PND is that life really is long. You don’t have to ‘achieve’ everything (or anything!) all at once. You just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and repeat, until one day it doesn’t feel like a chore.

And one more thing- bringing up a family IS an achievement, a huge one. Society doesn’t value it, so women are expected to value themselves only by their careers until they have babies. And then they’re expected to keep this fantastic career going and do the bulk of the child rearing on the sly- and it’s just not sustainable.
Having a career is valuable. Bringing up children is valuable. Doing other stuff is valuable. You are not defined by what you don’t- honestly x

Typo -you’re not defined by what you do!

Took me a long time to realise- but no one but me actually cares about my career and ‘place’ in the world!

I don’t have a career. I have chronic health problems. So?
I take medication. I’m not addicted. Like my asthma inhaler or keeps the condition under control.
Your kids deserve you to be better. Please call your GP.

Sending hugs OP. My mum was prescribed anti-depressants at one stage. It was the best decision ever and absolutely what she needed at the time. She went from suicidal to cheerfully chatting and engaging with people. She actually had quality of life. She was still the best mum in the world. If you needed a bandage for a cut you would put one on. This is just another illness. It's awful, but people get better. See a doctor, take a rest, be good to yourself and get better. Plenty of time for everything else when you're well