AIBU About my awful life? This details abuse so might trigger

[PH2020]

I’ve name changed.

My life has been awful. My childhood was filled with abuse. I was abused by a teacher at school. No one listened and belittled all my cry’s for help. No one believed what I was going through and I was never able to heal. I suffered from PTSD but no one would acknowledge there had been the stress in the first place.

This messed up my life. I was assaulted in my late teens by someone I went on a date with. Another girl set it up for us to be alone so he could attack me. But as I hated my home life so much I didn’t stand up for myself because being associated with this guy and his friends gave me an opportunity to get away from my passed.

I then messed up at uni because I was so fucked up from my schooling and personal life.

I’m angry that my education suffered, I’m angry that I’ve messed my life up, I’m angry that I’m stuck in an awful life when others around me were able to live a proper life, get an education and earn proper money. My cousins were sent to one of the best schools in the country and I was sent to some local school to be abused.

I’m now 40 and in a crap job and in an awful relationship with a man who behaves like a child. I have to take responsibility for everything. We are living in a small flat that I bough when I was single. We had a plan to move into a bigger home within the next 2 years but it turns out he has nothing in savings! So I’m going to be stuck in this tiny flat forever!

So now that I’ve came to accept that this is going to be what my life is. AIBU to want to end it now. Or do you think I should suffer for another 40+ years?

It sounds like you had a tough time but you are doing nothing at the moment to change that. I really understand why you might feel bitter but you need to need to move on and take charge of things. I also had a really shit childhood and abusive partners but I’ve refused to allow them any more of my life
Get rid of the deadbeat boyfriend and start thinking about what you want to do career wise and how to get there.

Could you retrain?

Doesn’t have to cost money. Apply for an apprenticeship.

Have you had counselling for your past abuse?

Do the Freedom programme

Take up running/ exercise for your mental health

Well first of all just be single. Don’t stay with someone you feel that way about, you’re just wasting time.

I feel for you. I have a very similar background. But you have to grab your life with both hands and push the past way, way back. It was a different life. Live the one you have now. Sorry if that sounds really patronising, I don’t mean it to, it’s just that you have one life and it seems like you’re with someone who is just dragging you down.

You absolutely should not end your life, but you should end your relationship with the arsehole man.

@Grapewrath

It sounds like you had a tough time but you are doing nothing at the moment to change that. I really understand why you might feel bitter but you need to need to move on and take charge of things. I also had a really shit childhood and abusive partners but I’ve refused to allow them any more of my life Get rid of the deadbeat boyfriend and start thinking about what you want to do career wise and how to get there.

Thanks. What do you do for a career and how did you get there?

You cant change the past
But you can chance your future op
Leave this useless man of yours. Live in a shoebox who cares. A shoebox that makes you happy whilst being allone beats living with a man that makes you miserable.

Can you chance your job? If you cant: find ways to make it better. With colleagues. Nice walks. Inventing new things. And start new hobbies that fill you with joy

Why can't you end the relationship with the dickhead?

You do deserve better.

*Could you retrain?

Doesn’t have to cost money. Apply for an apprenticeship.*

I'm looking at OU courses at the moment. It's a lot more expensive than I expected. It would have to be PT as I can't afford to do it FT. I'm happy to put the 6 years worth of work in, just frustrates me that I'll be entering a profession as starting from the bottom at 47.

Have you had counselling for your past abuse?

GP refused to refer me.

Do the Freedom programme
I'll look into that.

Take up running/ exercise for your mental health

I do this already.

I’m sorry. YANBU. You have suffered some terrible abuse in your life.
But you are only 40, there’s no need to think that your stuck in this life now.
I agree with some other posters, you could try seeking counselling, visit to GP as you may have depression.

Do you love your partner? if not, you need to end the relationship.

What job would like to do? Look at going to college and attaining some qualifications or perhaps some volunteering to get the job you want. Or do both!
Join a gym or do some form of exercise to help with your mental state.
The only one that can make changes is you, if you do nothing then nothing will change.

@Bagelsandbrie

Well first of all just be single. Don’t stay with someone you feel that way about, you’re just wasting time.

I feel for you. I have a very similar background. But you have to grab your life with both hands and push the past way, way back. It was a different life. Live the one you have now. Sorry if that sounds really patronising, I don’t mean it to, it’s just that you have one life and it seems like you’re with someone who is just dragging you down.

You don't sound patronising. Could you let me know how you managed to get out of it?

And go back to to your GP or change your GP- that’s disgusting that you were not referred.

@Yeahnahmum

You cant change the past But you can chance your future op Leave this useless man of yours. Live in a shoebox who cares. A shoebox that makes you happy whilst being allone beats living with a man that makes you miserable.

Can you chance your job? If you cant: find ways to make it better. With colleagues. Nice walks. Inventing new things. And start new hobbies that fill you with joy

That you. I shall try my best.

What other people do for a career isn’t really relevant and you will derail your own thread. What can YOU do to better your own circumstances in the short term and long term. Write two lists.
3 things you would change immediately.
3 things you want to be different in 5 years.
Then people can help you figure out how to achieve them.

Hey OP, what a strong person you are. You have been through repeated traumas in your childhood and its not surprising you are angry and depressed. PLEASE look up Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES) and their impact on your physical and mental wellbeing long term. There are great people on YouTube who talk about this . I would also advise you please, please seek counselling through your GP. I think it unfair people ask you to "get on with it" now.
You can make changes but I think you should understand more about the effects of what happened to you and how this is affecting your self perception.
Then you can rebuild a life you want. That is totally possible. ❣❣

It’s awful what you went through and you didn’t deserve any of it. Being angry about it is like eating poison yourself and expecting someone else to die. Easier said than done though.
I re-trained in my 30’s and loved it. I went from a job I hated to one I truly love.

Can you afford bills on your own? If yes, the first thing you do is break up with him.

Second thing is to change a go if you can. If you cannot, tell him you want referral. If he doesn't refer you, complain higher.

Have you finished your uni before?

Thanks. What do you do for a career and how did you get there?
I studied at home and now I work within children’s services

How did I manage to get out of it? Lots of things really. I’m the same age as you. My abusive mum died in 2019 and it gave me a kick up the bum to realise I didn’t want to keep going over the past all the time. I consciously made an effort not to think about stuff that previously would have really upset me. I left an abusive relationship when my dd was 6 months old - she’s now 17- and I worked minimum wage jobs and took 2 buses a day there and back to get her to nursery and me to work. And basically I just slogged it out. It was really, really hard. But I kept focused on wanting better, thinking I deserved better.

Some of my mindset has really only changed recently because I have been diagnosed with some very debilitating chronic health conditions and it’s made me appreciate the little things in life. A nice cup of tea, a good sleep, decent food, self care etc. Really simple things. Sometimes these can be so overlooked when you’re so down on yourself.

I am lucky in that I am now happily remarried - I found dh online about ten years ago - but I’ve had some truly awful experiences with men. My own childhood was dreadful - my mum was an alcoholic schizophrenic who was in and out of hospital being sectioned. My dad who supposedly looked after me was alcoholic too and I rarely had enough to eat / wasn’t cared for in any way whatsoever. But I am an adult now and I have to mentally separate myself from that child that was back then. I couldn’t help her but I can help myself now. You are stronger than you think.

You need to address your past. Ditch the guy, and go back to a different GP. Tell them how this is affecting you mentally and ask for counselling, you need to get it sorted. That will be the thing that will help you change your future, but it sounds like you can’t move past it.

I’m so sorry you haven’t had any real support for what has happened, you need to push for it and start moving forward. X

GP refused to refer me
In my Gp surgery, you can now self refer. If you can’t, talk to a different Gp. You have ptsd and a lot of anger associated with your treatment as a child and young adult.

As for the millstone, please find some real self respect and boundaries. Chuck the idiot out. He couldn’t give a shit about you by the sound of it.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/free-therapy-or-counselling/

This is the link to get free nhs counselling. No gp referral needed.

Small steps OP. Do you love your partner? Do you want to be with him?
Could you work upon your existing skills so you don’t have to start at the bottom? Or would your current employer sponsor you? Is there room to move up in your current role?

it sounds very hard, OP.
But you can turn this around.
Firstly, get rid of boyfriend -he's not adding value to your life.
You are presumably eligible for a student loan. So apply for the full loan, and and as you are in a 2 bed flat, rent out the second bedroom to supplement the loan. You can probably also work part-time as well, and then do the degree in 3 years.
And if you've managed to buy a flat by yourself, then you're actually doing quite well. Don't be so hard on yourself. Follow up the counselling link above, and work out how you can stop letting the horrible things that happened to you as a youngster define who you are today.

Hello OP, we're so sorry to hear you are feeling so hopeless - it sounds like you've had a really difficult time.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real life help and support as well.

We'll also move this to our Mental Health topic, where we hope you'll continue to receive valuable advice.

Wishing you all the best OP and hope you can access the support you need and that tomorrow is a better day.

@Happylittlethoughts

Hey OP, what a strong person you are. You have been through repeated traumas in your childhood and its not surprising you are angry and depressed. PLEASE look up Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES) and their impact on your physical and mental wellbeing long term. There are great people on YouTube who talk about this . I would also advise you please, please seek counselling through your GP. I think it unfair people ask you to "get on with it" now. You can make changes but I think you should understand more about the effects of what happened to you and how this is affecting your self perception. Then you can rebuild a life you want. That is totally possible. ❣❣

Thank you. Your words have been very kind and supportive. I guess when I'm as low as I am right now, I just accept it when people telling me to 'get on with it'.

I'll do some reading into the childhood trauma that you mentioned. I feel like it will be very useful for me.