Will being gay in a straight marriage damage my mental health?

[Summerbreeze86]

I’ve the last twelve months or so I’ve had a realisation that I am gay. I know it sounds ridiculous but I honestly didn’t know until now, or at least I didn’t want to know. I really really do not want to be gay. I have a husband. I have a child. It is really not what I want.
But I am.
I wonder what the cost is to me if I just ignore it? I find each time I sleep with dh I feel violated and it makes me cry, I hide this from him as it isn’t his fault I’ve made a massive fuck up of my life and his and our child’s.
Is it possible to just carry on?

This is so sad. I really feel for you but if this is what you've realised and you're sure then no, I don't think you can stay. Also you talk about the cost to you but how about the cost to your DH of not knowing the truth and also of having a wife who feels violated after sex. Heartbreaking to end a marriage but worse to stay - i think anyway.

What happened this year to make you realise when you hadn't before?

You’ll never be fulfilled in this marriage and it’s VERY unfair on your DH to carry on in the marriage pretending.

Be true to yourself and give both of you the best chance of a happy future with real love, you both deserve it. Your child also deserves happy and fulfilled parents.

I think not only will it fuck up your mental health but also your DHs. Its really unfair on him and he deserves to find someone who doesnt feel violated when having sex with him

Its a very sad situation but I dont think its fair to keep pretendinh

Several things happened that made me realise that I’d basically been denying it my entire life for the sake of my family who would have massively disapproved.

Dh is perfectly happy, so is our dc. I feel dreadful a lot of the time but at least it’s just me feeling dreadful at the moment. I cannot expect dh to understand, he would feel our entire relationship has been a lie. It hasn’t, but of course it would feel that way.
I lie awake at night wishing there was an off button for my life, I do feel it would be easier in many ways if I was just not here. No one would have the embarrament or shame.

I think it would be pretty damaging to your husband to have someone who doesn’t appreciate him sexually as well. Is he likely to be fulfilled? It doesn’t sound very healthy for either party.

Not as much as it’ll damage your husband’s, IMO.

Oh you poor thing. Yes you have to tell him; you can’t go on living a lie. He deserves to know I think.

He is homophobic and will be furious.

Tell him now. He deserves to know ASAP so that he doesn't get to the familiar situation of years down the line you decide that you can no longer go on with the sham. Leave him to find somebody else who does not find him repulsive. Don't leave it years. Simply not fair.

He will be even more furious if you waste his life by thinking he is in a happy marriage.

I often think it’s never as bad as you expect it to be. Pain is temporary and every morning is a new start. Don’t put off being you for fear of being hurt or hurting. As pp’s have said being honest and letting him go would be the kindest thing to do, for you both.

Life really is too short to put yourself in a situation you’re unhappy in. Move through it...there’s light!

Were you ever attracted to your DH? What was sex like before you realised you were gay?

Your feelings just seem very extreme and out of the blue from someone who had no inkling before.

I think you’re going to have to separate from your husband tbh.

I’ve not been in a marriage, but I have forced myself to do things sexually with men I didn’t want to do because I hated that I was gay. Long story short I ended up seriously depressed and suicidal, I almost had a breakdown, it wrecked my mental health. So no, as someone who was in the closet and is now very happily engaged to a woman and is “out and proud”, you can’t live happily in the closet in a relationship with a man you’re forcing yourself to be intimate with. My mum was quite homophobic and it took her a while to accept I’m gay, but she’s completely fine with it now and happily tells everyone about me and my fiancée.

My advice is that you only have one life, you can’t live it for others, you already sound suicidal talking about how it would be easier if you weren’t here. The scariest part is telling the truth, after that everything gets so much better and so much easier.

There are resources available, annoying they’re more aimed at men (mainly because straight men like the idea of gay women) but they generally still apply to gay women as well.

1. Its really common not to realise until your older/supress it really well so you start to believe you aren’t gay. That doesn’t make you deceitful, or in denial, its just how you needed to protect yourself. You can’t however protect yourself forever.
2. Very few people want to be gay, that is an unpleasant feeling but it is a common/normal one. Again it doesn’t mean there is anything bad about you.
3. No it isn’t his fault, but I wouldn’t say it was your fault either. This doesn’t have to be a blame game.
4. Please stop having sex with him, thats an awful thing to put yourself through.
5. You can’t make your husband to understand, however it isn’t your job to do that, all you can do is explain how you feel. He is the only one in charge of his emotions, feelings etc.
6. Our relationships teach our children what a relationship should look like, if you stay you are likely going to teach them that being happy and being the most authentic version of yourself isn’t important.

The experiences I can point you to are all men, but the ‘story’ is the same. Have a look at Keegan Hirst particularly his Real and Raw interview or Out of your league interview on youtube. Its really important to look at people who were in your situation and are now 1,2,3 etc years down the line.

I honestly can’t remember if I was attracted to dh... I think so. It wasn’t as though I got married thinking I was gay. I wondered if I might be bisexual for a while but as I’ve got older it’s become clearer and clearer that I’m gay.
It’s not just dh, it’s our child. I feel both would prefer if I just carried on pretending and my mother definitely would.
There’s a lot riding on it now.

Thank you for the replies.

I really didn’t expect to be in this situation and I really would give anything to be straight.

This is also good

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p057nfy7

Do it if not for yourself but your husband. Give him the chance of living an authentic life instead of a lie.

Your mental health will not survive staying married.

To be honest, the issue isn't that you're gay. The issue is that you're no longer attracted to him, do not ever want to be sexually intimate with him again and are subsequently incompatible.

Being gay is not the end of the world - although I know that it is scary, very scary, and can be very painful.

But you're allowed to be attracted - and not attracted - to whomever you are. Your sexuality is a fu dame real part of who someone is, however, it's only as big a deal as you make it. For some people it is their identity and for others it's just one (relatively boring) part of many that comprise who they are.

You don't need to give him details and if he's homophobic and you're afraid of his response you actually don't need to give detailed reasons: "I've fallen out of love with you" would be a truth, right?

Your DC will also be fine. Being gay doesn't mean you stop loving and taking excellent care of your child(ren), just like getting divorced doesn't.

None of this is easy and I don't want to imply it is. Maybe it's not all quite as horrific as you're thinking either.

People are saying to break up with him for his sake. Sure, don't drag this out, but do it for your own sake: you don't want to be with this partner. The reason why is almost irrelevant at this point. It will become relevant when you start looking for a new one.

Big hugs.

How old are you?

You deserve happiness OP. Living a lie in this marriage will make you unhappy. Leave DH and start finding yourself.

*Your sexuality is a fundamental part of who someone is, however, it's only as big a deal as you make it.

Your dh's mental health is just as important, is it not?!

I think @minimagician is right. There's two separate issues here, your sexuality and your marriage. By the sounds of it, you cannot have a happy marriage. You need to separate from your DH. You don't need to tell him or anyone else the reasons why right now, other than you are no longer attracted to him any more. I think being on your own for a while will then give you the breathing space you need to decide how you want to live with your sexuality. There is no right or wrong way. You don't necessarily need to come out or declare your sexuality to anyone else you know. I know someone who was in a similar position to yourself OP. It wasn't until they left their DP, were single for some time and then were in a long-term relationship with another woman that they technically came out.

How old were you when you got together with your husband?

It sounds like you are not happy being with him. You are not happy pretending and it is not a good message to send to your child. You wouldn’t want them to pretend not to be gay.

This is worth reading as well.

victimfocusblog.com/2020/06/05/to-all-the-women-in-relationships-with-men-wondering-if-they-are-lesbians/