Will being gay in a straight marriage damage my mental health?

[Summerbreeze86]

I’ve the last twelve months or so I’ve had a realisation that I am gay. I know it sounds ridiculous but I honestly didn’t know until now, or at least I didn’t want to know. I really really do not want to be gay. I have a husband. I have a child. It is really not what I want.
But I am.
I wonder what the cost is to me if I just ignore it? I find each time I sleep with dh I feel violated and it makes me cry, I hide this from him as it isn’t his fault I’ve made a massive fuck up of my life and his and our child’s.
Is it possible to just carry on?

I was 18.

@SimonJT

There are resources available, annoying they’re more aimed at men (mainly because straight men like the idea of gay women) but they generally still apply to gay women as well.

1. Its really common not to realise until your older/supress it really well so you start to believe you aren’t gay. That doesn’t make you deceitful, or in denial, its just how you needed to protect yourself. You can’t however protect yourself forever.
2. Very few people want to be gay, that is an unpleasant feeling but it is a common/normal one. Again it doesn’t mean there is anything bad about you.
3. No it isn’t his fault, but I wouldn’t say it was your fault either. This doesn’t have to be a blame game.
4. Please stop having sex with him, thats an awful thing to put yourself through.
5. You can’t make your husband to understand, however it isn’t your job to do that, all you can do is explain how you feel. He is the only one in charge of his emotions, feelings etc.
6. Our relationships teach our children what a relationship should look like, if you stay you are likely going to teach them that being happy and being the most authentic version of yourself isn’t important.

The experiences I can point you to are all men, but the ‘story’ is the same. Have a look at Keegan Hirst particularly his Real and Raw interview or Out of your league interview on youtube. Its really important to look at people who were in your situation and are now 1,2,3 etc years down the line.

Can I just say, this is an excellent post. Some good advice there. Please take it op

I will have a look at the resources.
Obviously I feel horrendous for ruining my dc’s life and dh’s life and letting down my family. That’s largely why the off button seems attractive - I don’t want to deal with any of this if I’m honest. I want my family, I want to be straight. I don’t want to be gay and I feel really really angry about it. It was like a switch was suddenly flipped and where our sex life has never been great (dh isn’t especially bothered) I suddenly found it incredibly difficult and now I find it horrifying. I don’t choose to but my body just goes, no.
I know it sounds ridiculous, how could I not have known?

I would probably separate at least to give your DH a chance of a happy marraige and so you could feel less guilty. You don't have to announce your sexuality as a reason but at least you can live without feeling obliged to take part in sex that repulses you.

Do you have a religion? What is your own thoughts about your own sexuality?
Can you separate from you H without letting him know your orientation?

You said in one of your posts that living like this is only hurting you, and that your partner and child are happy and fine.

I am sure that could be true at this moment, but I think that is not possible in the long term. Everything has a consequence. My grow up children were not hurt by my obvious failures as a mother- the times I forgot their lunch, or got got cross about something petty, or let them eat too much ice cream. My children were hurt by the example I set by not coping well with my own inner challenges.

I don’t have a religion. I do wish I’d not met dh so early as I think 18 is still really young and then we were married quickly too. He is 11 years my senior.
I don’t want to be gay - i know it’s not a choice but if I could shut it back up I’d do so.
My whole life something has been missing and I’ve felt restless and empty. I think this is why.

Dh and my dc would much rather I pretended because how would they know? It would be as it is now. I’m not sure either would forgive me for destroying our family because I’m gay.

Well for starters you need to leave because of the sexual assaults- NOBODY has a right to sexual violate you and yet it sounds like he has more then once. And that's also not a safe enough for a child

Don’t make any decisions just yet. I think you should definitely seek out some counselling first. I think you need help in coming to terms with your sexuality before you can move on in your life. You are surrounded by family who are uncomfortable with homosexuality but most importantly, you feel uncomfortable with it yourself. You sound ashamed and guilty. With some professional support you will fee stronger and more positive about who you are and more equipped to make decisions about your future. Take care

You don't have to tell your DH that you're a lesbian if you don't want to. You can end the marriage because you don't love him in the way he deserves (not sure he does, he doesn't sound very nice, and he was far too old when you got together, but this is a line you could take)
Has he been abusive towards you? Has he ever hit or hurt you? Does he make you have sex when you clearly don't want to? Does he control the money?

Ultimately you can be a single closeted lesbian for the rest of your life if you choose to be but it's better to be a single lesbian than one married to a man. You don't need to tell him anything about it.

I’m only ashamed because I’m married with a child, if I’d recognised this and admitted it to myself in my teens or early 20s it wouldn’t have been such a problem. It now feels extremely selfish and everyone will make the judgement that I have deliberately mislead dh.
I agree that therapy would help but it’s £50 a session as a minimum and dh would notice that money going somewhere. Really I need therapy that would make me not gay but I don’t think that’s possible. 😬

missbipolar
He hasn’t sexually assaulted her! He’s been having consensual sex with his wife. She says she feels violated because of her feelings but that’s not his fault. He thinks everything is fine.

No he hasn’t.
He is aware there have been times I’ve cried through it and I’ve been upset, but I agree that having sex with your wife is not an unreasonable expectation.

@Summerbreeze86

No he hasn’t. He is aware there have been times I’ve cried through it and I’ve been upset, but I agree that having sex with your wife is not an unreasonable expectation.

I'm sorry but this IS sexual abuse. Having sex with someone who has not given full and enthusiastic consent is abuse.

Of course you cannot carry on as you are...

You would be lying to yourself and to your partner. No one should have to feel 'violated' when having sex either.

Talk to your partner and be honest.

If your partner is 'homophobic' is it really the type of men you want to be around anyway?...

If you are really uncomfortable with discussing your sexuality with him at this stage, and you fear that the 'news' will spread around your family/friends before you are ready to come out, you could simply say that you no longer think that the relationship is working and you want out without going into specifics.

Your priority should also be to remain at least civil for the sake of your kids.

Also, I think you need to talk to someone about your feelings of what sounds like shame about being gay. There is nothing wrong with being gay. There are charities/support groups you can talk to to help you get over that guilt.

I’ve spoken to switchboard a few times. It made me feel slightly less terrible for about half an hour.

It would be such a bolt from the blue, I keep reading that dc do better if it’s more expected but it would be totally unexpected. Our marriage seems fine, we don’t argue or anything. If we did it would be ‘easier’ to say it wasn’t working.

@missbipolar

Well for starters you need to leave because of the sexual assaults- NOBODY has a right to sexual violate you and yet it sounds like he has more then once. And that's also not a safe enough for a child

Are you on the right thread? How do you make the leap to sexual assaults and its 'unsafe for a child'?

Are you on the right thread? How do you make the leap to sexual assaults and its 'unsafe for a child'?

OP's post two posts up makes it clear she is being sexually assaulted

I also told a close friend a while back of my feelings and she’s distanced herself since, this has made me feel much worse. Maybe all my female friends will worry I fancy them. 🙄 I don’t know if she thinks this but she’s definitely distanced herself.
There’s nothing wrong with being gay, I agree. But there is if you have already made the choice to get married and have a child because then the impact is much further reaching.

@Summerbreeze86

No he hasn’t. He is aware there have been times I’ve cried through it and I’ve been upset, but I agree that having sex with your wife is not an unreasonable expectation.

I was going to say he's been having sex he believes is consensual so it's not abuse, but then you posted this.

Why would he want to have sex with a woman who is crying through it?

And just because you're married, he doesn't have a right to "have sex with his wife". I didn't realise people still thought like that!

He still needs your enthusiastic consent - ie not you saying yes because you don't feel you can say no, or going along with it to keep the peace. A wife is allowed to say no - in any way - to sex with her husband and for it not to happen.

Would you want to have sex with someone who lay there crying?? Would you believe they wanted to have sex if they cried through it?

OP I think it sounds like you would feel more comfortable if you took smaller steps.

The first step is to end your marriage. People end marriages all the time. You don't have to say it is because you are gay. You can say you do not love him anymore and you are not happy. This is true.

Then focus on making a new life for yourself and that might include exploring relationships with women. Take it at your own pace. There doesn't need to be a massive declaration to your family, you can tell when you are ready.

There’s nothing wrong with being gay, I agree. But there is if you have already made the choice to get married and have a child because then the impact is much further reaching.

There is an impact, yes. And yes you chose to get married and you have a child.

Many people make that decision. Then they fall out of love. Then one person cheats. Then one person doesn't like married life. Then one person falls in love with someone else. Marriages break up daily and for a great many reasons. None of them are pain free and without consequences for the children. Most of them though are probably better off out of an unhappy marriage, than stuck in a dead one. And that goes for the children involved too.

I'm sorry your friend has distanced herself. There could be many reasons for that though - and yes, she may think you fancy her, in some juvenile way. She coukd also simply not know what to do to help you and be a bit overwhelmed with the information. Maybe she feels bad for your DH and doesn't want to be involved, even though she's your friend. There could be a host of different reasons.

But OP, you haven't made a mistake. You didn't know! You did what felt right at the time. Given how upset you are about this, it's fair to say that if you had known before, that you wouldn't have made the same choices. You've actually done nothing wrong here. Not yet, at least. Things happen in life that are outside our control and there's truly nothing we could have done to prevent them. How we respond to them, however, is in our control.

You can get divorced and spend some time making a stable, happy set up for your child. You don't need to be in any relationship. It truly can be ok. Some people will be supportive in a divorce and others utter dicks, but that's how people are.

You have done nothing wrong, OP, you're the same nice person you've always been.

@Summerbreeze86

No he hasn’t. He is aware there have been times I’ve cried through it and I’ve been upset, but I agree that having sex with your wife is not an unreasonable expectation.

This, right here, regardless of your sexuality, is reason enough to leave. No-one should be in a relationship where they're sexually abused.

OP.

I hope you do find the strength to leave him. And from what you've said about him I think it would be wise not to mention that you're gay - saying this to a man who is openly homophobic and sexually abusive is not a good idea. (Take it from a woman who is straight and double digits sexual partners - a normal, decent man, if his partner started to cry during sex, would wilt faster than you could say "limp lettuce leaf.")

@Summerbreeze86

I also told a close friend a while back of my feelings and she’s distanced herself since, this has made me feel much worse. Maybe all my female friends will worry I fancy them. 🙄 I don’t know if she thinks this but she’s definitely distanced herself. There’s nothing wrong with being gay, I agree. But there is if you have already made the choice to get married and have a child because then the impact is much further reaching.

This is such a shame, that the one person you told has distanced herself and made you feel worse. Do you know any lesbians or gay men OP? I just think that speaking to some gay people might help a lot, if you know anyone. They will have gone through what you are going through - the uncertainty, the questioning, the dawning realisation that they are gay and then the journey to acceptance and, for many, happiness and contentment. It's so hard to see the happy ending you could have though from the vantage point you're currently at.

And no, FWIW, I don't think you should live a lie for the rest of your life. It's not fair on you, your DH or your DC and it will mess you up over time, living with this secret.