Daughter- possible BPD - I’m broken

[Ipadipod]

Please excuse this if it’s a bit disjointed but I’m in a real mess.
My dd22 has been challenging since around junior school, she’s found it almost impossible to make and keep friends, she finds a person, clings to them and smothers them. As a teenager she was expelled from school, she’s been arrested, she’s been violent to me her anger is so frightening and she’s absolutely vicious verbally. She smokes cannabis.
Last year she met a new boyfriend and asked if he could move in , against my better judgment, I agreed, anything to keep her calm and happy . All was ok for a couple of months and then she started on him, constantly sniping at him, not letting him see his friends, shouting and screaming at him, the atmosphere has been awful and I’m sick of neither of them doing anything to help around the house. I do all the shopping, cooking, putting bins out etc , dd will run the hoover round but as she doesn’t pay rent that’s the least she should be doing, bf does pay rent.
I’ve had complaints from neighbours about them smoking cannabis in the garden so I made them go to the field at the back of us to smoke it ( I despise the stuff) .
Dd has horrific mood swings, she just can’t control herself, she fits the criteria for BPD or whatever it’s called these days )
I’ve tried so hard to help her , I offered to pay for her to go to a retreat in Thailand, I’ve called so many counsellors at her request but she’s never followed up with them, she has never taken responsibility for anything, it’s always someone else’s fault.

Her father is an abusive alcoholic and I had the police take him away when dd was a baby after one too many beatings.

Yesterday it all came to a head, I heard her shouting at her bf in the bedroom and lost my shit , It wasn’t my finest hour and I threw a mug across the kitchen, dd called me a pathetic cunt ( not for the first time) said I was useless, don’t keep the house clean (I do) said she despises me.
Long and short I have told her to leave and they stayed in a hotel last night. I’m a wreck, I feel sorry for the bf , I don’t think she’ll be able to rent anywhere due to cost and her never having any money although she earns £21,000 a year. The bf has also had enough and said he can’t be with her any more.
I took her to NY for her 21st and 3 of the 5 days were spoilt by her moods, she’s ruined other holidays too.
I’ve been up crying all night, I’m exhausted.

First of all I’m sorry your going through this and Whether your daughter possibly has BPD or not is no excuse for her to treat you the way she does , a lot of people have mental health but they don’t treat others as badly as your daughter has treated you . I know this may be hard to hear but have you considered telling your daughter to perhaps go to the gp about her mood swings? As she might need to have an assessment for her mental health and possibly go on medication to treat her if needed .And possibly giving her abit of tough love and talking to her about moving out as it seems her living at home with you is clearly having an affect on your emotional well being and health

I’ve been telling her for the last couple of years to get help , go to the gp , she finally went and was given sertraline which hasn’t made any difference, I showed her the BPD criteria and she agreed it sounds like her, now she just uses it as an excuse for her behaviour, I’ve begged her to have counselling but she won’t go.

I even called the Tavistock Hospital and spoke to one of the psychiatrists to try and get her help.

You sound like an amazing mum and you have obviously tried your best to help your DD.

Has she ever lived away from you? Maybe now is a good time for her to start trying!

Was she ever assessed for additional needs as a child? Autism or ADHD/ADD?

She moved in with a girl friend for a year but that ended up in violence , I had to call the police after the girl friend called me hysterical saying dd was beating her up.

I tried to get her assessed at junior school but they refused, she has been under Cahms but walked out at the first appointment, she was about 14 then.

We have had MST therapy, social services involvement, family therapy, I’ve tried so hard

Every time she agrees that she needs help, I arrange something and then she switches her mood and says she’s fine.

I know you're thinking about BPD, B but have you ever heard of PDA?

www.pdasociety.org.uk/what-is-pda-menu/identifying-pda/

My sister has this with her son. He got given 3k worth of counselling and wouldn't go so she went instead which helped. She was told that unless he hit rock bottom the cycle would continue. Maybe when she realises you aren't giving in to her then she will realise. She will be angry at first, then sorry for herself. Maybe with a try.

Thank you for the link MotherOfGremlins
It doesn’t sound like it’s this though.

Sounds like the sertraline was not wrong medication for her I think it would be worth trying to encourage her to go back to the Gp and get reassessed , maybe you could go with her for support? In the mean time perhaps also suggest to her to start paying you a little board or get her own place , as it will help teach her responsibility , and I agree with other posters that you are an amazing mum however being a mum is never easy and given the circumstances you’ve done so well OP , sending hugs to you x

No advice but I just want to say that you’re not alone. My adult sister is exactly the same and won’t seek help either. My poor mother is out of her depth, we all are. We all suspect BPD too.

I am sorry that you are feeling broken. Your daughter is consistently making poor choices, behaving like a child and blaming you, the pattern needs breaking I would send her a letter to say that you love her but can't continue with the relationship without significant changes as it has become damaging and toxic.

You may find she goes nc with you, take the time to reflect what relationship you can have and when things have cooled down look to building the relationship you want.

It’s so hard to explain how she is , she’s so hypercritical but just doesn’t see it - she’ll be all ranty about someone else and their behaviour but can’t see that she’s exactly the same .

I’ve no idea how she will afford to rent somewhere, I’m scared she will live on the streets just to spite me . I wouldn’t put it past her as she seems to love the drama .

I agree sertraline is the wrong medication for her.

If she earns £21 000 she can afford a room share. I know it's difficult but she is responsible for her life not you. What you are currently doing is not working, let her try by herself - she must have some control over her behaviour to have a job

If she’s earning £21k she must be reasonably “with it” enough to do so. I think chucking her out and letting her get on with it would be the best - and kindest- thing to do, for her sake as well as yours. She’s too dependent on you and needs to learn to be an adult.

She’s managed to hold this job down for 6 months, the longest so far, she desperately needs help, it’s so hard to watch her destroy herself and everyone around her.

it’s so hard to watch her destroy herself and everyone around her

but she has been destroying herself and all other relationships for years and your intervention hasn't worked as you can't change her.

She has a job, responsibilities and therefore give her this opportunity to stand on her own two feet. You have done your best, but you need to take a step back to allow her to grow.

This is a harsh thing to write but at some point you won’t be here anymore and she will then be forced to cope alone. It’s better she’s forced to live alone now and have your remote input / guidance rather than be totally pushed to do everything completely alone.

I know, we’ve got into a vicious cycle of me trying to help her and then her using it against me .
I can’t stop crying, I wish I could just disappear

Understand this completely. It may be a mental health problem due to possible past abuse, hormonal shifts . It helped me for DD to have a diagnosis of BPD but didn’t do a lot for her ttwenty five years later she is supporting herself and awful boyfriend, I no longer help them out financially which I did for years. Things are better. But rarely see her. Sad. But better now than for years

I just want the pain to stop, hers and mine.