Daughter- possible BPD - I’m broken

[Ipadipod]

Please excuse this if it’s a bit disjointed but I’m in a real mess.
My dd22 has been challenging since around junior school, she’s found it almost impossible to make and keep friends, she finds a person, clings to them and smothers them. As a teenager she was expelled from school, she’s been arrested, she’s been violent to me her anger is so frightening and she’s absolutely vicious verbally. She smokes cannabis.
Last year she met a new boyfriend and asked if he could move in , against my better judgment, I agreed, anything to keep her calm and happy . All was ok for a couple of months and then she started on him, constantly sniping at him, not letting him see his friends, shouting and screaming at him, the atmosphere has been awful and I’m sick of neither of them doing anything to help around the house. I do all the shopping, cooking, putting bins out etc , dd will run the hoover round but as she doesn’t pay rent that’s the least she should be doing, bf does pay rent.
I’ve had complaints from neighbours about them smoking cannabis in the garden so I made them go to the field at the back of us to smoke it ( I despise the stuff) .
Dd has horrific mood swings, she just can’t control herself, she fits the criteria for BPD or whatever it’s called these days )
I’ve tried so hard to help her , I offered to pay for her to go to a retreat in Thailand, I’ve called so many counsellors at her request but she’s never followed up with them, she has never taken responsibility for anything, it’s always someone else’s fault.

Her father is an abusive alcoholic and I had the police take him away when dd was a baby after one too many beatings.

Yesterday it all came to a head, I heard her shouting at her bf in the bedroom and lost my shit , It wasn’t my finest hour and I threw a mug across the kitchen, dd called me a pathetic cunt ( not for the first time) said I was useless, don’t keep the house clean (I do) said she despises me.
Long and short I have told her to leave and they stayed in a hotel last night. I’m a wreck, I feel sorry for the bf , I don’t think she’ll be able to rent anywhere due to cost and her never having any money although she earns £21,000 a year. The bf has also had enough and said he can’t be with her any more.
I took her to NY for her 21st and 3 of the 5 days were spoilt by her moods, she’s ruined other holidays too.
I’ve been up crying all night, I’m exhausted.

I don’t think that the pain ever really stops, but I no longer think she will kill herself .

Get counselling for yourself, whether or not she goes you sound like you need an outlet and better boundaries. Let her live her own life, she needs to make her own mistakes and live with them.

I suspect that the violent alcoholic father and seeing, sensing and internalising domestic violence as a baby was the catalyst for her emotional overwhelm and instability. She likely has complex PTSD where she is flooded with uncomfortable sensations and feelings around fear but these flip instantly into aggressive and uncontrollable rage filled behaviours without going through the break and filter of stopping to think and actively making choices to behave in a positive healthy way. After these rages the shame and self loathing set in and the cycle continues.

I agree with others - get specific, expert, professional BPD advice and support for YOU. Even when she moves out she will be in your life and your relationship needs stabilising and boundaries for the long term.

Reach out to families already in this situation. Once you change gear (supporting yourself) then the dynamic between you will change and this shift might lead her to seek help. I am sorry this is happening to you.

www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/helping-someone-with-borderline-personality-disorder.htm

Thank you, although she was only 9 months old when I had her father removed from the house, she had been badly let down by him over the years and whilst I tried so hard to shield her, I know she had been affected by the trauma.
Thank you for the link, I will take your advice.

Sounds like classic acting out bpd sorry. I’ve been there and unfortunately going no contact made feel like a new person again, 100 times more healthy. The only way to recover from bpd is therapy. Search for a j Mahari on YouTube, she will change your life forever. If you want to be sure your daughter has bpd take her to get diagnosed.

If she’s able to hold down a job, there’s an element of choice in her behavior. She chooses to behave reasonably during work hours and then doesn’t bother when she’s at home.

I’m glad for your sake that you’ve asked her to leave, OP. She’s 22 and I think she needs to figure this out herself- with you there to offer support if she asks for it. She’s not out of control if she’s OK at work, she needs to learn to value those who love her and take responsibility for her actions.

You will probably find the father has the same condition but is undiagnosed

How are you doing Ipadipod

We were advised to make our support conditional on the person with BPD remaining in treatment. And she had to agree that in order to continue to receive support, she had to agree that we could check in with the counsellor to confirm she was attending therapy (DBT programmes can be very helpful, but take effort and require commitment over months).
In the end, the only thing that truly enabled her to put effort into staying stable was when everyone else held firm with their boundaries. All the while people were bending over backwards and destroying their own lives to appease her, she got worse. It wasn’t easy. It took a few really gruesome years, police involvement, drink driving, non-mol order as she attacked partner, and many many police welfare checks and job losses.
She’s now living alone and managing to keep herself on an even enough keel to stay housed, employed (although she changes employment quite frequently) and fed. She’s eventually managed to settle into a good medication regime of mood stabilizers. It’s been a few years since she threatened suicide (up until then it was a weekly/ monthly occurrence). She’s doing pretty well. For her, the stability has to come from within. Relationships are very very hard. Virtually impossible. They can’t go too deep because it tips over into really unhealthy dynamics. While she’s well, she realises that. Really hard for family but everyone takes solace in the realization that she’s doing well BECAUSE everyone has firm boundaries in place. They protect her as well as the them. Without boundaries, everyone gets hurt.

nachthexe sounds like a rollercoaster and exhausting. Has holding the boundary become easier - ie is she less likely to butt up against it now? What have you done to cope with the stress?

Out of interest what are your boundaries and consequences?

Without boundaries, everyone gets hurt.

This.

I would strongly encourage you to get some support for yourself, counselling would help. Your daughter may well benefit from counselling too, but only if and when she is willing to engage with it. Her behaviour towards you is abusive, whether brought about by mental health difficulties or not. Asking her to leave sounds completely proportionate. Using cannabis will not do anything at all for her mental health and she’s been using it whilst living with you and knowing it’s against your wishes. You’re giving her a lot of power in redoubling your efforts to help, understandable though they are. Putting boundaries in place is not being unkind, it’s taking care of yourself.

From the link above:

“One of the most effective ways to help a loved one with BPD gain control over his or her behavior is to set and enforce healthy limits or boundaries. Setting limits can help your loved one better handle the demands of the outside world, where schools, work, and the legal system, for example, all set and enforce strict limits on what constitutes acceptable behavior. Establishing boundaries in your relationship can replace the chaos and instability of your current situation with an important sense of structure and provide you with more choices about how to react when confronted by negative behavior. When both parties honor the boundaries, you’ll be able to build a sense of trust and respect between you, which are key ingredients for any meaningful relationship.

Setting boundaries is not a magic fix for a relationship, though. In fact, things may initially get worse before they get better. The person with BPD fears rejection and is sensitive to any perceived slight. This means that if you’ve never set boundaries in your relationship before, your loved one is likely to react badly when you start. If you back down in the face of your loved one’s rage or abuse, you’ll only be reinforcing their negative behavior and the cycle will continue. But, remaining firm and standing by your decisions can be empowering to you, benefit your loved one, and ultimately transform your relationship.

How to set and reinforce healthy boundaries
Talk to your loved one about boundaries at a time when you’re both calm, not in the heat of an argument. Decide what behavior you will and will not tolerate from the person and make those expectations clear. For example, you may tell your loved one, “If you can’t talk to me without screaming abuse at me, I will walk out.”

Do…

Calmly reassure the person with BPD when setting limits. Say something like, “I love you and I want our relationship to work, but I can’t handle the stress caused by your behavior. I need you to make this change for me.”
Make sure everyone in the family agrees on the boundaries—and how to enforce the consequences if they’re ignored.
Think of setting boundaries as a process rather than a single event. Instead of hitting your loved one with a long list of boundaries all at once, introduce them gradually, one or two at a time.
Don’t…

Make threats and ultimatums that you can’t carry out. As is human nature, your loved one will inevitably test the limits you set. If you relent and don’t enforce the consequences, your loved one will know the boundary is meaningless and the negative behavior will continue. Ultimatums are a last resort (and again, you must be prepared to follow through).
Tolerate abusive behavior. No one should have to put up with verbal abuse or physical violence. Just because your loved one’s behavior is the result of a personality disorder, it doesn’t make the behavior any less real or any less damaging to you or other family members.
Enable the person with BPD by protecting them from the consequences of their actions. If your loved one won’t respect your boundaries and continues to make you feel unsafe, then you may need to leave. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them, but your self-care should always take priority.”

And also this:
To help someone with BPD, first take care of yourself
When a family member or partner has borderline personality disorder, it’s all too easy to get caught up in heroic efforts to please and appease him or her. You may find yourself putting most of your energy into the person with BPD at the expense of your own emotional needs. But this is a recipe for resentment, depression, burnout, and even physical illness. You can’t help someone else or enjoy sustainable, satisfying relationships when you’re run down and overwhelmed by stress. As in the event of an in-flight emergency, you must “put on your own oxygen mask first.”

Avoid the temptation to isolate. Make it a priority to stay in touch with family and friends who make you feel good. You need the support of people who will listen to you, make you feel cared for, and offer reality checks when needed.

You’re allowed (and encouraged) to have a life! Give yourself permission to have a life outside of your relationship with the person with BPD. It’s not selfish to carve out time for yourself to relax and have fun. In fact, when you return to your BPD relationship, you’ll both benefit from your improved perspective.

Join a support group for BPD family members. Meeting with others who understand what you’re going through can go a long way. If you can’t find an in-person support group in your area, you may want to consider joining an online BPD community.

Don’t neglect your physical health. Eating healthfully, exercising, and getting quality sleep can easily fall by the wayside when you’re caught up in relationship drama. Try to avoid this pitfall. When you’re healthy and well rested, you’re better able to handle stress and control your own emotions and behaviors.

Learn to manage stress. Getting anxious or upset in response to problem behavior will only increase your loved one’s anger or agitation. By practicing with sensory input, you can learn to relieve stress as it’s happening and stay calm and relaxed when the pressure builds.

Remember the 3 C’s rule
Many friends or family members often feel guilty and blame themselves for the destructive behavior of the borderline person. You may question what you did to make the person so angry, think you somehow deserve the abuse, or feel responsible for any failure or relapse in treatment. But it’s important to remember that you’re not responsible for another person. The person with BPD is responsible for their own actions and behaviors.

The 3 C’s are:

I didn’t cause it.
I can’t cure it.
I can’t control it.

OP I am going through similar with my 19 year old. I see no happy future and have no idea what to do .

I am sorry to hear that BBCK - I think you need to prepare for the long game and be strategic and pragmatic.

You can’t all go down with this - so you need to be v clear on your boundaries and get support for yourself - because as PP has said - not entering into the dramatics and having v clear boundaries helps both the sufferer and extended family and friends. Has she been diagnosed / is she having any treatment?

Regarding boundaries- how would you deal with them not speaking/sulking/one word answers? Just carry on as normal? If I try this my dd turns it against me and says I don’t care as I don’t ask her what the matter is - it’s so frustrating!

Has she been diagnosed / is she having any treatment

No diagnosis but she had an hour long assessment the other day for counselling.

This is useful medium.com/@KevinRedmayne/through-glass-how-not-mentalising-creates-bpd-6c05c8684766

Mentalisation as a therapy for BPD.

I have bpd and it has been really really tough at times and I am not proud of how I behaved. I am slowly getting better though and am now closer to my parents than ever before. There is light at the end of the tunnel I promise.

I have bod, or should I say, had. I don't think the diagnosis should ever go away, but I'm not "diagnosable" at the moment as I've engaged with therapy.

I've been very lucky as my dh (and I) had no clue about my diagnosis when we got together and in fact I wasn't properly diagnosed until I as in my mid 30s. I'd had on and off again counselling and a really great lot of psychotherapy when I had bad pnd after dc3 was born. That was the first time bpd was suggested but I was living in a remote rural area where there was no specialist treatment for bpd.

After moving house to a city I was able to access help and have had several years of psychotherapy and addiction counselling about my alcohol intake and I'm now pretty much symptom free.

I find myself catching on "I'm being a bit borderline today" and dh is good at gently pointing it out.

Sadly, due to my behaviour when our 3 dc were little, we both think that Dd1 and ds also suffer from bpd. It's one of the real "family" illnesses. Dd1 sees a counsellor (she's 20) and ds has a cpn that he hasn't been able to see during lockdown and I'm fairly clear that he really needs some more help - he's 18.

My advice is just keep pushing, and keep the lines of communication open! My dc talk to me (they know my diagnosis) much more than I ever talked to my parents. My relationship with my husband of 25 years is stable and open and honest - I can tell him if I'm finding things triggering, he's not afraid to say "Weegie, you're being a bit borderline today"

My bpd stems from my mother abandoning the family when I was 12. I always lived with my dad and I have a fantastic stepmum who I love but the abandonment and many issues afterwards have made bpd a part of my life that I don't like but it's an old friend I can live with.

I don't know if any of this is something that can help. Your daughter sounds like she's really badly affected but I can say from experience that until she agrees that she needs help? Nothing will help.

My recovery, I know, pivots on my dh. He's loved me through it all and been very understanding. I think it's partly just him and partly that he's a gp who has a real interest in mental health. He's been there through it all.

Wishing you all the best with your dd. I hope and pray she finds therapy to help her become who she is meant to be. I'm a whole different person after my therapy so it can happen. I'm 49 though, so it might be something you need to wait for.

Take care of yourself, and unmumsnetty hugs to you both xxx

weegiemum and bellag79 your efforts are commendable and inspiring.

Ladyluna that article is really insightful.

She is abusive. Abusive to you, to get friends, to her partner. Whether she has bpd or npd or any other PC, doesn't excuse that. If she was male, would you be so forgiving? If course not. It sounds like she is exactly like her father unfortunately.

Protect yourself. Maybe she will seek help on her own steam when she realises you are done kissing her arse and running about after her. Maybe she wont. But there comes a time where you just have to make the best decision for you and your own safety. And that time was probably several years ago by the sound of things.

*any other pd

@weegiemum. That’s inspiring to hear! You say that your recovery pivots on your DH, but remember that your willingness to take responsibility and engage in therapy, etc. is the most crucial factor. You accepted that things needed to be addressed and that’s why you’ve been successful. 💐