Daughter- possible BPD - I’m broken

[Ipadipod]

Please excuse this if it’s a bit disjointed but I’m in a real mess.
My dd22 has been challenging since around junior school, she’s found it almost impossible to make and keep friends, she finds a person, clings to them and smothers them. As a teenager she was expelled from school, she’s been arrested, she’s been violent to me her anger is so frightening and she’s absolutely vicious verbally. She smokes cannabis.
Last year she met a new boyfriend and asked if he could move in , against my better judgment, I agreed, anything to keep her calm and happy . All was ok for a couple of months and then she started on him, constantly sniping at him, not letting him see his friends, shouting and screaming at him, the atmosphere has been awful and I’m sick of neither of them doing anything to help around the house. I do all the shopping, cooking, putting bins out etc , dd will run the hoover round but as she doesn’t pay rent that’s the least she should be doing, bf does pay rent.
I’ve had complaints from neighbours about them smoking cannabis in the garden so I made them go to the field at the back of us to smoke it ( I despise the stuff) .
Dd has horrific mood swings, she just can’t control herself, she fits the criteria for BPD or whatever it’s called these days )
I’ve tried so hard to help her , I offered to pay for her to go to a retreat in Thailand, I’ve called so many counsellors at her request but she’s never followed up with them, she has never taken responsibility for anything, it’s always someone else’s fault.

Her father is an abusive alcoholic and I had the police take him away when dd was a baby after one too many beatings.

Yesterday it all came to a head, I heard her shouting at her bf in the bedroom and lost my shit , It wasn’t my finest hour and I threw a mug across the kitchen, dd called me a pathetic cunt ( not for the first time) said I was useless, don’t keep the house clean (I do) said she despises me.
Long and short I have told her to leave and they stayed in a hotel last night. I’m a wreck, I feel sorry for the bf , I don’t think she’ll be able to rent anywhere due to cost and her never having any money although she earns £21,000 a year. The bf has also had enough and said he can’t be with her any more.
I took her to NY for her 21st and 3 of the 5 days were spoilt by her moods, she’s ruined other holidays too.
I’ve been up crying all night, I’m exhausted.

Not saying that your DH hadn’t been fantastic, but you have too!

Bunnymumy she is exactly like her father unfortunately.
It’s so , so hard to let go , I swing between really disliking her and then heartbroken when I see her crying because she dislikes herself so much. (I’m the Op btw)

@YgritteSnow

Was she ever assessed for additional needs as a child? Autism or ADHD/ADD?

Research autism in females OP.

You can feel both of these things simultaneously OP - of course her behaviour is intolerable, unacceptable, shocking and disgusting. But you can also recognise and have compassion for her internal chaos and self loathing.

One doesn’t negate the other.

It doesn’t mean that you have to tolerate it. You can set limits and sign post her to support.

But you need to look after yourself first and carve out some significant space for you to live a fulfilling life.

What difference does it make though really? I mean, if it's bpd or autism it's still no excuse to be abusive to your mother and partner.

OP doesn't need to do anymore bloody research or pandering to her daughter. She needs to be brave and follow through removing her from her home.

You cant fix her op. She'll never not be what she is. Perhaps if she chooses of her own volition to partake in extensive therapy, she will learn to manage her ...moodswings better... but the thing is, I suspect these moodswings are actually a lot more controlled than she would have you think. Abusers are not abusive because they are angry - they are angry because they are abusive.

And the 'woe is me' may be real in part, but a tiger with a thorn in its paw is still a tiger.

You deserve to feel safe in your own home. And I'm sure you must feel awful, knowing what abuse of a partner did to you, to have sat back and watch it happen to her partner. I suspect that was a big moral conundrum for you. I think you know the right thing to do. Even though it is going to be bloody hard. You cannot save her, you will only be dragged down with her. Cut her loose and trust that she'll learn to swim for herself, if it is possible.

You've done the right thing. Her behaviour is horrendous. I agree she needs to be forced to cope on her own sooner rather than later. You have done your best and it's time to step back.

She has spoken to the gp since my first post and has been referred for therapy, she’s had an hour long assessment via telephone to ascertain the best type for her. She has initiated this herself which is a first.

I’m grateful for all the replies and links , thank you.

That’s really good news, Crystal, she’s taking ownership, which is so important.

This sounds tricky heartbreaking. I feel so sorry for you OP. I really hope things improve .

That's a good step in the right direction. Hope things get better soon.