I'm very close to suicide

[Notsurewhatsgoingon]

I have posted a lot about my mh over the last few weeks in various topics.

I'm stressed at work. I have 2 kids, one of which has health and sen needs and one a toddler who is being terrible right now.
I have not had a break and never get one.
I honestly think a few weeks back I had a break down. Thing is I was alone looking after the kids at the time so I had to drag myself through it.
I have a dh who is as supportive as he knows how to be but he needs to work and we need the money.

I have pretty much carried on as normal throughout as I have had no choice.
I have asked for help. I have asked for a break. We have no support network as my family don't want to help despite knowing how ill I am. According to mn I'm unreasonable to ask for a break and for family to help out, which I do understand.

There is no end in sight.
I'm becoming a terrible parent as I have screamed at my kids all day. I don't pay them as much attention as I should. I'm on my phone constantly as an escape. I do the basics.

Dh can't take time off so this is it.
I have done the house work etc I have taken the kids to appointments etc I have done everything I normally would and I have plastered a smile on and chatted as a normal person so probably people (except dh) think I'm ok.
I'm not. I cry inside every day. I'm awake at night.
I'm exhausted.
My kids take take take and I feel so angry with them for it but it's not their fault. They are hanging off me 24/7 they constantly argue and I can't stand another minute. But like I say there is no way out as there is only me to care for them. Apart from death thats the only way il get a break to heal. I need time to heal my mind. I can't get better and be a better mum here. I can't begin to be myself again when the drudge continues. I don't know what else to do

you've done very well Notsurewhatsgoingon.
i hope ads will help soon.
also joining a friendship group is very good indeed.
you are on the right path.

Sending you hugs OP. Baby steps. You are beginning to shift into something better. What you are feeling is something many others have experienced. Talk to your Mum and explain what you’re going through. Reach out for help wherever you can. You need and deserve it.

Now you know that you have the capacity to feel this low, from experience, I would recommend that you appreciate how well you dealt with this and keep this in mind.

It was right to...

1. Talk honestly
2. Ask for help with DCs
3. Get medical help
4. No rushed decision-making
5. Feel pain but cope when not everyone understand or helps (e.g. your DM),

You may not feel happy or excitement for some time, but what you have done was really good and you have looked after yourself and managed this well.

Might sound cheesy and not matter to most, but just wanted to say that the people who have commented on here, every single one, literally saved my life.

I didn't have any one to turn to and if i didn't have this or anyone responding on here I don't know where I would be today. I know you don't know me and I'm a stranger but I'm a mum who is still here for my dc because of you.
Thank you.

That’s so lovely to hear @Notsurewhatsgoingon.
Keep on buggering on. You will feel happier.

Op I think a lot of us have been there. I really like that saying, it's a bad chapter in a very long book, I'd not heard that one before. It's really true.

It's so lovely to read your increasingly positive updates OP. Well done for taking small steps to help change your life. Your first post really resonated with me. Although I'm not suicidal at all, I really struggle with the CONSTANT nature of motherhood. I can't bare the constant sibling arguments, fighting, screeching, bloody YouTube videos on TV, lack of sleep, lack of quality time with my husband etc. All the while working FT. Motherhood is hard for soooo many people. I wish it were spoken about more.

You are wonderful. You may not realise it yourself, but your courage to speak out will have helped many people both now and in the future

happy to hear your good news op. keep on going.
there is always someone here to listen to you.

I'm so pleased that you've started to feel better and that you found support from the MN community. This thread shows MN at it's best.

The friendship group sounds interesting - I'm curious to know more about that. I'm quite isolated myself and there aren't so many opportunities to make friends now I'm in my 50s.

Please keep talking here. We will listen

You're an inspiration! I hope the friendship group is a nice change of pace x

It’s horrible to feel you have no support or even if you have bro & sis or mum & dad
You either feel you don’t want to tell them for one reason or another (they may have there own problems) you don’t want them to judge you. Or maybe say something you don’t need to hear.
I know I do, and keep a lot to myself

It’s great you can write it down though, hear that there are others also feeling as shitty as you are. The advice from those that have been there and how they got through hard times, they may have done something/know something you may not if even thought about. Knowledge is a great source of information.

Try not to put to much pressure on yourself, things don’t have to be perfect!
Just do what you can in the day, but have some time for YOU
Even if that’s just
Having a bath - no kids about (maybe in bed
Going for. Walk on your own - when hubby is home.
Sitting kids in front of video- and having coffee in kitchen. Just a 10 min break away

One word, starting the ad’s will make you worse before better! But within 4-6 weeks
Maybe less with you, we’re all different
You should see improvement
Have you been on ad’s before?

You literally saved your own life. You did that for your DCs. You realised you were in deep, you reached out, you listened, you took action. Keep being kind to yourself and try to find little fractions of joy and calm to build your life up from again.

Just seen your updates on here OP. So glad you have turned a corner. There will be ups and downs as you recover but you have already come so far. I hope you can feel proud of yourself, you have lots to feel proud about! And don’t feel embarrassed about anything that helps you feel better, like the friendship group. Good luck!

Are your DC back at school?