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Original poster

I'm very close to suicide

66 replies

Notsurewhatsgoingon · 20/08/2020 16:24

I have posted a lot about my mh over the last few weeks in various topics.

I'm stressed at work. I have 2 kids, one of which has health and sen needs and one a toddler who is being terrible right now.
I have not had a break and never get one.
I honestly think a few weeks back I had a break down. Thing is I was alone looking after the kids at the time so I had to drag myself through it.
I have a dh who is as supportive as he knows how to be but he needs to work and we need the money.

I have pretty much carried on as normal throughout as I have had no choice.
I have asked for help. I have asked for a break. We have no support network as my family don't want to help despite knowing how ill I am. According to mn I'm unreasonable to ask for a break and for family to help out, which I do understand.

There is no end in sight.
I'm becoming a terrible parent as I have screamed at my kids all day. I don't pay them as much attention as I should. I'm on my phone constantly as an escape. I do the basics.

Dh can't take time off so this is it.
I have done the house work etc I have taken the kids to appointments etc I have done everything I normally would and I have plastered a smile on and chatted as a normal person so probably people (except dh) think I'm ok.
I'm not. I cry inside every day. I'm awake at night.
I'm exhausted.
My kids take take take and I feel so angry with them for it but it's not their fault. They are hanging off me 24/7 they constantly argue and I can't stand another minute. But like I say there is no way out as there is only me to care for them. Apart from death thats the only way il get a break to heal. I need time to heal my mind. I can't get better and be a better mum here. I can't begin to be myself again when the drudge continues. I don't know what else to do

OP posts:
amihavinganervousbreakdown · 20/08/2020 18:02

I read something the other day that might help.
You want your life to end as it is now. If you reach out to someone like other posters have suggested you can maybe change things, but if not you might end up ending your life which would be really sad for everyone else. Please let someone help you. It might change things for you and then your life as it is now will end and you can start living the life you should be living. The children are still very small and it is relentless, it will get easier in time. Not much use at the moment but please hold onto that thought and speak to someone, give them the chance to help you.

Roselilly36 · 20/08/2020 18:07

Sending you a hug OP.

I have seen first hand the absolute devastation a suicide causes a family, no one would want to put they family through that believe me.

You are brave to say how you are feeling, please tell those close to you & get the help you need.

Perfectstorm12 · 20/08/2020 18:19

Yes, you are screaming for release and a break. So let some stuff go. I hear that you think suicide is a solution, but there are many other ways to release. Please get help for yourself right now. Let go of anything non essential, everything is low priority right now apart from your mental health. Your kids will forgive you for being a shouty Mum, especially if you find a way to make the space you so crave and you learn how to be a different kind of Mum. But you need rest, you need time, you need someone to listen to you. Good luck and please take care of yourself.

Wisenotboring · 20/08/2020 18:28

So sorry that you are feeling this was OP. How hard things must feel. As a pop said, this is just a very sad chapter of your life
..things can and will get better and feel easier. Reach out and tell someone how you feel. Don't make any big decisions whilst you feel like this. Give yourself time to rest and be cared for. X

Nackajory · 20/08/2020 18:38

Remember all feelings are temporary, this will pass and you will be grateful in time that you didn't die. Get professional help and be kind to yourself. What would you say to someone else in this situation? I'm sure you'd have some kind words and feelings of wanting to help them so apply them to yourself Some time off will help. Start looking after your own needs. You will recover from this.

inmyfeels · 21/08/2020 03:52

Please get help my darling. I know how you are feeling as I am too going through similar. Just burnt out. No solution insight no matter which way I try and look for one. But my children need me and i could never leave them in this world without me, never ever. And the same for you. You may escape the world but please picture what you will leave behind. Your darling babies! You must must must speak out to your husband and to anyone you can can trust because all of this is fixable. I'm crying for you right now because I know that feels like you're making everything worse as each day passes but it's all a trick of the mind. I'm rooting for you x

Tonkerbea · 21/08/2020 08:45

How are you doing today OP?

unmarkedbythat · 21/08/2020 09:39

Was thinking of you overnight Notsurewhatsgoingon, hope you've bee able to talk to someone Flowers

Original poster
Notsurewhatsgoingon · 21/08/2020 14:52

Hi everyone. I got up today and had a shower and have took my dc out in the countryside.
Dh has spoken to mil and il be dropping the dc with her in a while and they are going to stay there for the night and some of tomorrow. Dh will be out at work till late so il be home alone and I think thars what I need.
Il be ringing the doctors on Monday at 8am.

Thanks again everyone.
Things are not fixed by all means but I'm glad i finally put down in writing how I actually feel and I have looked at my beautiful dc and realised they do need me.
My eldest is undergoing treatment and will need surgery soon and I can't leave her to go through that without me.

OP posts:
buenavistabelle · 21/08/2020 15:14

Thank you for taking the time to come back and update us. Sounds like you've taken some brave steps - well done! Hopefully a little bit of space will allow you to breathe and think about what else you can do to ease the pressure.

Bluepolkadots42 · 21/08/2020 18:29

@Notsurewhatsgoingon so pleased to hear from you. Thanks for the update. Well done for getting something in place for today to give you a breathing space and for booking your docs appointment. You will look back later down the line and be so glad you spoke out on here and stuck around to be with your lovely family. Hope you've managed to relax and unwind today. One day at a time Flowers

Sootikinstew · 21/08/2020 18:30

@Notsurewhatsgoingon thank you for the update OP. I'm glad you are ok and have taken some positive steps towards getting the help you need.

Keep talking here if you need too, there's always someone here to chat and your no bother at all 🙂.

Xx

HowFastIsTooFast · 21/08/2020 18:39

Well done OP. I hope you're able to get some headspace this evening and do something lovely and calming just for you, before a good nights sleep and a long lie in x

PolloDePrimavera · 23/08/2020 21:40

You ok OP?

Tonkerbea · 24/08/2020 11:36

Well done OP, you have an inner strength

Original poster
Notsurewhatsgoingon · 24/08/2020 12:27

Thank you for checking in.
I'm trying to get an appointment with a doctor but it's very busy I can't even get through but il keep on with that.
I'm feeling really low today. My mum said she would come and see me this weekend so I waited in but she didn't come and I found out she had been to see my brother instead which I did feel disappointed about as I could have done with someone to talk to. I do feel let down but I suppose it's not her responsibility. I do feel very alone however as I don't have any support. I feel like saying something to her about it but I won't.
Hope everyone here is well.

OP posts:
Tonkerbea · 24/08/2020 17:38

Does your mum know you've been feeling low? Can you talk to your DP this evening or ring a trusted friend?

polkadotpjs · 24/08/2020 18:03

Can your DH ring for you? Can you ring 111 instead and go to out of hours? There is help. We are here and there are people better qualified than me to advise but know that your hands are being held

Defenbaker · 24/08/2020 18:55

OP, that must have hurt, when you found that your mother visited your brother instead of you. It was wrong if her to let you down, if she had said she was going to visit, she should have done that, especially if she knows how isolated you feel. Has she got form for letting you down? Do you think perhaps she struggles to cope being around your children, due to one of them having special needs? If she knows how low you feel but lets you down anyway, it sounds like she's not the right person to call upon for help, right now.

I'm glad you're still soldiering on, OP. Look after yourself.

Itsjustabitofbanter · 24/08/2020 19:12

You need to be really honest op and let everyone know how you’re feeling. If you’re finding it difficult to talk then send them a message, or at least tell your oh how bad it’s got and ask him to tell everyone else.
As for immediate practical support, contact your local children’s centre (if you have one) and your health visitor. I have a friend in a similar situation to you. She’s contacted her local children’s centre and hv and she’s been given loads of support. They’ve arranged for someone to go to her house a couple times a week and they help her with whatever she needs. Sometimes that’s watching the children while she goes out for a few hours, or they help her with chores round the house, or they’ll just keep the children occupied so she can have a bath or whatever in peace. They also give her loads of advice on how to deal with the children’s behaviour. There’s help out there, you just need to ask for it

Itsjustabitofbanter · 24/08/2020 19:14

Also look up sure start centres and family support workers. They’ll help with the children if it’s a case of you getting overwhelmed and not getting a break

bluebell34567 · 24/08/2020 22:34

i hope you manage to get an appointment with your gp soon.
your mum wasnt helpful and i believe you could tell her.

Itsjustabitofbanter · 25/08/2020 17:43

How are you today? X

Original poster
Notsurewhatsgoingon · 25/08/2020 19:26

Thanks for checking in it honestly makes me cry as its so unexpected and kind.
I'm OK. Had a few tears over work stress today but otherwise OK. I'm starting anti depressants tomorrow. They will take a few weeks to kick in but it's a step in the right direction.
I have joined a friendship group today. Feels very daunting and a bit embarrassing that I need to do that but I'm hoping it gets me out the house and someone to talk to. They do various meet ups and walks etc so il see how it goes.

OP posts:
Goodmum1234 · 25/08/2020 20:20

Op crying at this post, and with you. I’ve felt similar and desperate in the past but it is only a bad chapter of a very long book.
You are doing brilliantly taking small steps- showering for instance and getting out! I honestly commend you as to be honest it’s the last thing you want to do.
Please keep us updated. How old are your children? Can you use daycare for rest for you. I used to drop my youngest off early, get home, bath and back to bed. It was my way of recovering and it really helped. Small steps only but being alive for your children trumps everything. X