not sure how much more i can take

[terriblemum123]

ive lurked for ages reading this page and not talking hoping to find someone in same position to talk to
i wake up everyday wishing id died in the night ive packed a bag to run away im not sure where to bought aload of tablets but i dont want to leave my children hence why i feel a terrible mum for even comtemplating it but i know tomorrow will be the same and the next day
my partners evil behaviour gets worse n worse every single day and even hes telling me id be better off dead
please someone tell me this feeling of desperation does get better as i cant face another day like this but what kind of mum does that make me as i have a beautiful baby

OP you need proper help -please call the Samaritans or the GP. Big hugs 💐

last time i called the samaritans he borrowed my phone saw the number googled it and smashed my phone up for being a crybaby grass apparently
ill make sure i log out of here before he gets home

Op get you and the baby to a relatives house or a police station.. Ask them to ring woman's aid.

all my relatives live along way away i dont have any friends anymore havent spoken to any of them in months as im not allowed to as he thinks im talking about him

You are not a terrible mum, you are a good mum who is caring for her baby.

You need to find the right people in RL who can help you. You don’t have to live like this - you and your baby can have a happy life elsewhere without him. It won’t be easy but you can do it, I promise.

You have done the right thing to post here, people will help and give good advice.

Any friend would help you, even if it’s been a long time.

Does he let you and baby go out the house without him, say to the doctors or the shops?

Would your family help you if you arrived on their doorstep?

How do you access Mumsnet if you don’t have a phone ?

Look up a local refuge and go there ASAP with your baby. I'm sure you not a terrible mum but you do have a terrible partner and he's messing with your head as well as your safety. You need to be away from him to a) see things clearly and b) be safe.
Good luck, I can't imagine being in this situation but nobody should be treated like this and you and your baby deserve better.
Be very careful while you make plans but do it soon.

What’s your financial situation like OP? Whose name is the house in? Do you have a job?

If you are in danger can you get out of the house to take the baby for a walk and phone the police or women’s aid?

Please know that you do not deserve what he is doing to you. He is abusing you and controlling you.
You can get out and away from him and live a better life.

i have a new phone now my last one he smashed as he saw the samaritans number on it
house is in my sole name.... i couldnt turn up at a relatives house as i dont drive and they live hours away
i keep looking at my babies face i dont want to leave him but i cant take another day of this

@terriblemum123, you are almost certainly not a terrible mum.
Could you take your baby out for a walk and call Women's Aid from a phone box?

OP you have lots of options in order to get help and support.

Both Women's Aid and the National Domestic Violence Helpline have a live chat facility on their websites which you can use so he can't find any phone numbers.

You can delete phone numbers from your phone after calling.

You can contact your local Domestic Abuse organisation via email.

You can try to get out of the house to a local Boots and ask for the consultation room and there you can make as many calls as you like to the police or domestic abuse organisations.

You can speak to your Health Visitor if you have a baby, they are trained to help with domestic abuse.

You can dial 101 and speak to the police for advice.

You can speak to your GP who can also help. Your GP service is often linked to local domestic abuse organisations.

I hope you find a solution that works for you.

Hi terriblemum123,

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected], or call them, any time, on 116 123. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you'll be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real life help and support as well.

Please also take a look at our domestic violence webguide as there are lots of organisations listed which can give you some support. One which we know has helped many Mumsnetters in the past is Women's Aid - they have a new instant messaging service, so please click on the link.

We're going to move your thread over to our Mental Health topic now.

We really hope you're okay.

i tried to book a gps appt yesterday its only phone consultations now not face to face and they gave me a 4hr time window which i couldnt go for as he would be here
im so tired im not sleeping he wakes me and taunts me about how pathetic i am so now i just try to stay awake
i dont want to stay awake i just want to switch off to hearing how ugly/fat/worthless/pathetic its relentless
he will be home in a couple of hrs i wish i could run but i dont want to leave my baby and i have nowhere to go
maybe ill just act normal when he gets back and when babys in bed later then i can run ... to where i dont know but i know hes going to start when he gets home and my head cant take it today

i dont want to leave him but i cant take another day of this

Why don’t you want to leave him? He’s a bully and won’t change.
That’s good that the house is in your name. You should phone Women’s Aid for advice then delete the number from your call log.

Please contact the organisations mentioned here, they will help you.

i meant i dont want to leave my baby

If you are suicidal or feel scared for your safety you are within your rights to call 999. You can’t have your child being raised in an environment like that. Your baby needs you.
Please get help immediately!

If he's not there then find your local domestic abuse organisation which you can find here.

Phone the National Helpline 0808 2000 247 or use their live chat

Or contact your Health Visitor.

It's your house so you can ask him to leave and if he gets violent or aggressive, dial 999. You can contact 101 for advice from the police first.

OK, you don't want to leave your baby, that's good. Don't 'run'. But you've reached the end of the line with your partner. If the house is in your name, you can call the police to be with you when you send him out. Coercive control - isn't it illegal now? Also your local council probably has a domestic violence unit - contact them, you're being abused.
He says bad things about you - you don't have to believe him any more. People who post here will support you. You feel depleted now, worthless, but your healing will start the minute he leaves. I've been there. You can have a better life with your baby and be happy.

How many children do you have and how old are they?

This is very sad to read. Please seek help op. For you and your children's sakes.

Op the house is yours. Have the locks changed while he is out, call the police and ask them to be present when you tell him to leave, tell them he is violent. You sound like a lovely mum, surely you don't want your baby growing up thinking this is normal? That daddy smashing things and giving mummy a load of abuse is how a marriage/partnership is supposed to be?

its only me who makes him angry he wont hurt the baby im his target so if i leave he will be calm
he wont leave i called the police before as he wouldnt .... 999 as he was trashing my stuff and going mental .... they took AGES to arrive asked him to come outside to chat i gave him all his stuff and they told me to go out for a bit then left telling him to aswell ... he went round knocking all my neighbours doors telling them i abuse children!!! camped out on my drive for hrs sending me photos of the front of my house, called police back and they said "as you were told earlier he isnt committing a crime" he later let himself back in through a back door with a key i didnt know he had
believe me ive tried im not just moaning rather than taking action ive tried and anything i do against him my life just gets worse
i have one child a baby hes one and amazing i dont think ive ever had a nice day with him though and i feel so guilty he would be better off without me maybe he would be looked after by someone who could give him fun and enjoyment not just spend the day panicking and crying

Can you ask a family member to come and fetch you away? I know they live a long way away, but you are in extreme circumstances here. YOUR BABY NEEDS YOU AND ONLY YOU. Run, so you can give him the life he deserves