4 weeks pregnant and feel my life is over - please help.

[Eamhair]

I did post in this pregnancy section however had no responses and I really need help.

I found out two days ago I am four weeks pregnant and I feel terrible to the point of suicidal thoughts. I just want someone to reassure me that everything will be ok.

My mental health has been appalling recently, a few months ago I thought nothing else of having a baby and two months ago me and my partner decided to try. My partner is excited and so should I be as this is what I wanted. i am 33 and really feel it is now or never.

I haven't stopped crying since I found and haven't slept. I'm exhausted. I feel like I'm mourning a death. We have a busy life and lots of friends, go to gigs, cinema, meals out (well pre-lockdown) and trips away. I don't know what I was thinking, as I know my life won't be the same any more.

We are in a one-bedroom house and had planned to sell it and move in with my parents so we could save up money to buy somewhere else but I feel like now I am pregnant we can't burden my parents with a baby.

We aren't in the greatest financial position, for two of us we earn an decent wage but I struggle to see how we will do everything we want to with a kid. I also worry that our parents are older and won't have energy to help out with childcare. My parents will be 68 when the baby will be born and my partners 63 and 61. I am also about my parents dying and having no family support. I can't imagine not having a night away with my partner ever again. I also feel like I am grieving for the life I will be giving up and I just want to put a pause on life and have it stay this way forever.

But then I think I would regret if I was to give up the baby. I always like the idea of a family and as my siblings don't have children and are unlikely too, I feel it would be lonely not having children in my life if I was to ever split up with my partner. The thought of holidays and Christmas on my own seems so sad too. I feel I would regret not having children when I am older and the thought of being older with no children seems lonely.

I also worry about how I would cope if I had a child with severe disabilities or was very challenging. I think this is my own anxiety talking. I have friends who have children but they have much younger grandparents who can help out.

I worry I won't make friends with other parents, that my own friendships will suffer and I will be lonely. I also worry my partner will have to give up his hobbies. But then I know our own friendship group will change and that even some of them might have kids and then we will be left out. I know people say get babysitters, but this is something we would probably struggle to afford.

I am having counselling once a fortnight to help with issues with trauma and part of the work I have been doing is realising that my thoughts on control and not being able to cope with uncertaintly relates to this. Having children though is the biggest uncertainty but I know rationally that nothing in life is guaranteed. It might be the biggest joy in my life or the worst thing I ever do.

I don't know what to do or who to turn to. Other people seem to manage it so easily. I have been obsessively reading on the internet today about people who have regretted having kids and not having kids to try and get both sides of the story and I think this has made my head worse.

Sorry this is very jumbled and doesnt make sense. I don't make sense. I almost just want to end my life to stop all these thoughts. I cried in my partners arms and asked why I can't be a normal person, who doesn't have anxiety and is overly worried and just take life as it comes. How I can be worried about having a children and at the same time worried I won't have them. This isn't normal. Surely being pregnant shouldn't make you petrified about your own parents dying. Today I just wanted to phone my mum and tell her I was pregnant and all my thoughts so she could make me better but I knew that was selfish. I want to stop all these what ifs and thoughts in my head. I feel like I need urgent help but don't know where to go.

so sorry OP sound like you are going through a lot.
Tbh from what you have said, this sounds far greater than pregnancy jitters/ hormone issues and I commend you for seeking help! You have time dont panic, don’t hurt yourself, it isn’t the way. There’s no point me listening all the rationale and realities of having children not being as horrendous/ monumental as you are imaging as there’s more going on here.
Just seek help, call on everyone and every resource you can, talk to people irl, you aren’t alone, your life isn’t over and whatever choice you make will be the right one for you x

My sister had this despite having to have IVF to get pregnant. Definitely contact someone OP. There is a charity called PANDAs they are a charity for pre and post natal depression and have phone lines that you can call to speak to some one they are open from 11am till 10pm 0808 196 1776.

Try and have sweet dreams tonight OP 🤗 I know it's difficult when your head is swimming and you're going over and over things, but tomorrow is a new day and it sounds like you have a very supportive friend who is going to help you try and help make some sense of what you're feeling 💐♥️ 🤗

@user67864

My sister had this despite having to have IVF to get pregnant. Definitely contact someone OP. There is a charity called PANDAs they are a charity for pre and post natal depression and have phone lines that you can call to speak to some one they are open from 11am till 10pm 0808 196 1776.

I second this too......there's lots of people who can help you xxx

Thank you all again. I had a look at pandas but I don't think they are where I am (Scotland). I might email them though. I feel exhausted.

Oh sweetheart, I went through exactly the same thing when I was pregnant last year. It is terrifying to be such a jumble of thoughts and emotions, even more so when the pregnancy is planned! Hopefully the previous posters have helped you to realise that what you are feeling is perfectly normal. The movies and magazines romanticise pregnancy and parenthood and provide very unrealistic expectations. Hopefully your friend will be able to help you tomorrow. It's really important not to bottle up your feelings and to find trusted people in real life to support you.

I found the email service at PANDAs very helpful. It was easier for me to write down my thoughts and feelings than to chat on the phone. The charity will try to respond within 72 hours and, once a conversation is established, the same person will keep replying to your messages for as long as you need them. [email protected].

The important thing to remember is that you are not alone. Many women go through this and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I hope you can get some rest this evening.

Hey OP sorry to hear you're feeling so bad. I felt like this the majority of the time in early pregnancy and we had been trying for a year. I remember crying my eyes out at not conceiving month after month and then the minute I was pregnant I was crying my eyes out feeling like I'd ruined my life. My partner didn't understand why I wasn't excited and neither did I. I very seriously thought about having a termination and actually it was around the cut off date that I finally accepted that I was having a baby, and then I got really excited. It was a total change from how I'd felt before, and whilst I'm still finding it daunting, I think it can take a lot of internal work to mentally adjust yourself to the idea of having a baby in your life. I also think I had a subconscious fear of the commitment aspect, and the hormonal aspect affected me horribly. I still panic sometimes about the things that will be harder to do but to cope I either plan how I can still do whatever it is or think of something that will be even better for having a baby, like I'm looking forward to taking her to the beach, teaching her things, etc. When I was curled up in the spare room crying and wishing I could escape the situation, I found it helpful to try and forget about the pregnancy entirely for a bit, pretend it wasn't real and read a book, watch TV, be myself, just to get me through until I felt strong enough to think about it again. I hope some of that helps even if only so you know you aren't alone in what you're feeling

OP just letting you know I’m in Scotland too (near Glasgow) . I don’t know where abouts you are but if it’s central belt I could look at places like pandas and send links etc through.

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. It must be so awful. Definitely get a referral for maternal mental health services and they will be able to advise you on thinks that can help.

While I didn't feel as bad as you do I felt like I had made a huge mistake in my first and second pregnancies. I used to wish I had a time machine so I could go back and reverse my stupid decision. But it did settle down and everything worked out OK.

Please take care of yourself xx

Thank you all again. I have phoned the GP and have been prescribed antidepressants and also have an appointment with my counsellor tomorrow.

I think I have gone into this with my eyes half shut. The more I think of the harsh realities, the more I am terrified. I feel like I am doing this because it is what is expected of me and what society tells me. We haven't achieved half the things we want to and aren't in a great financial position. Me and my partner will have to sacrifice so much and it seems for so little. I honestly just wish I could wake up from this nightmare.

I'm glad you are getting some help OP 🤗 your only 4 weeks so you have some time to think things through and decide what you want to do. Whatever you decide good luck and I hope you are now on a happier path xxx

Hi OP!
almost three years later, I’m doing research online as, after actively trying, I’ve conceived and I feel exactly like you. Reading this discussion has helped me feel less alone. If you’d like, I’d be happy to hear how you are now and how you’ve overcome all those horrible feelings that have been haunting me too. What did you end up doing? I really don’t know what to do.
I really hope you’ll answer.
Sending lots of love your way

Hi OP, four years later and I am here reading your post all the way from America because I am feeling just like you did. You helped me a lot in not feeling alone, as did everyone else’s comments in this thread. I wondered how you are doing, and wanted to say thank you for being brave and talking about this and seeking help.