What the hell is wrong with me? Reliving mistakes and shame

[Youngatheart00]

Recently it’s like my mind cannot be at rest. Unless I drink too much I’m finding it tough to sleep as it seems my brain has got into the habit of settling in to reminiscing over a certain period in my life (this changes - but could be ‘when I was a teenager’ or ‘when I lived in X city’.

It’s then like the opposite of a highlights reel begins to play in my mind, of all the things from that period I did that I now regret. This ranges from making poor relationship or work choices, to drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, not taking care of myself.

I’d say my life is relatively stable now, I’m in an ok place. But why do I keep resurfacing old memories and beating myself up with them? Things I haven’t thought about in decades are now resurfacing along with feelings of shame and self loathing and I don’t seem to be able to stop it.

I’ve had the same OP. It was within the first year after I gave birth to DC1 and looking back I think I probably had PND.

It’s like bullying yourself with your own thoughts, it’s horrendous and very hard to stop.

I don’t remember how or when it passed now, but it did.

I probably had a bit too much time to think which made it worse, so I would imagine lockdown can’t be helping.

Bullying yourself with your own thoughts is spot on. I wish I knew why my brain has started to do this, or how to stop it.

I have this too - the other night I was stressing about a work conversation that happened in 2013 that I could have handled better. 7 years ago! I have regular therapy and my psychiatrist asked me to make a note of all the random all shit that comes into my mind and that I stress over for my next appointment. I'm hoping he has a magic cure.

It's called rumination, OP. You can do a course in CBT specifically to learn how to stop doing this. If it's really bad you can ask for a referral to one from your GP.

However, if you google around "CBT" "rumination" "workbook" you should turn up lots of options. Here's something from the NHS: www.hpft.nhs.uk/media/1655/wellbeing-team-cbt-workshop-booklet-2016.pdf but maybe there are better options.

Thank you so much for the resources. I’ll definitely have a look. I know logically I can’t change things I’ve done in the past but like others have said, a lot of the things I’m stressing about are now inconsequential.

I do this at times as well, I look back over all the bad things that have happened to me, of all the bad things I’ve done (I’ve never done anything particularly terrible btw) and beat myself up over them, convince myself I’m a bad person and that everyone thinks I’m horrible. I have anxiety and it happens when I’m very anxious, I wish I knew how to stop it. I’m sure other people don’t analyse their actions and other people’s thoughts and feelings on them to this unhealthy degree, then I feel guilty for this self centred kind of thinking because it’s very “me, me, me”, it’s a vicious circle. I wish I knew how to stop, you have my sympathies.

I also do this, it's lessened now after cbt, talking therapy and the right medication, however occasionally the the thoughts creep in and I feel physically repulsed by myself, my stomach churns it's a horrible feeling.
Definitely try cbt and perhaps speak to your gp if possible they may prescribe some anti anxiety medication that might help. It is definitely related to anxiety/depression. Hope you find something that helps and feel better soon.

I can't take credit for the "bullying your own thoughts" term, I actually read it on here! But I thought it seemed very apt.

I found it helpful to let the thoughts just kind of wash over me when they happened and recognise them for what they were, just thinking "oh, I'm doing that thing again..." It is hard though.

I defo do this. It often comes after a trauma. Its like my brain wants to go back and reorganise all the old shit that happened. My only advice is this - trust your inner guidance, and try and empty your mind at times.

I also do this. It’s awful. Completely relate. Mostly work related for me.

I do this. Even thinking about the 'bad' bits/times i think I embarrassed myself on our wedding day. Supposed to be the happiest day of your life and whenever I think of it I just think negative stuff. It's rubbish.

Just as an update, I seem to have got the worst phase under control. To the poster who shared the NHS guidance above, thank you, it was v helpful and I’ve also found podcasts are helping. The Happiness Lab is especially good. American, and a little cheesy, but I think sometimes that’s what you want for comfort when your mind won’t stay still. I think it’s something that’s going to need to be managed long term.

Hi
My brain is like this too. It feels like it's on overdrive. I think about bad things over and over again and it's like my brain is focusing on negative stuff to make me hate myself.
Or my brain is constantly singing crap songs over and over again and I just wish it would slow down and let me rest.
About 6 months ago I started sertraline for low mood and after a few weeks on these meds I noticed my brain was quiet. I posted here a few times about the relief I felt that the "over thinking" had stopped as it was seeping the energy out of me. It has restarted in the past few weeks and I'm thinking about asking the GP to increase my dose.
And maybe CBT will help too.
For me the fact it stopped with meds and has now restarted has made me realise how exhausting and mind boggling it all is.

I used to do this and found what really helped is to have a group of absolutely trusted friends (a WhatsApp group actually) where I (and they) air and pick over old scabs. We really go through the incident thoroughly and see it in a new and forgiving light. Then the thought loses all power.

I do this in my dreams constantly. If ever I talk about my ‘weird’ dreams the end result is always the same, I either embarrass myself, I feel humiliated, I’m hated, it’s me basically hating on myself because sadly that’s how I feel in my conscious life and I push it down so it pops up while I sleep.

I know exactly why I’m like it. I know the events surrounding it. I can’t change anything as it’s about a health condition that has no cure and basically exploded my life like a pack of cards falling. So I live with it.

@ThighThighofthigh it’s wonderful that you have a group of friends you can ‘tell all’ too. Unfortunately I feel like a lot of my ‘secrets’ are so shameful I could never utter them to another soul. I had a therapist for a while and didn’t even tell them the full story for fear of being judged (yes, I know how ridiculous that is).

Part of me wants to write an anonymous memoir and get it all down on paper but I would be forever paranoid someone would find it!

This is the bane of my life. Out of nowhere I'll just remember something I've said or done and feel horrendous all over again. It's like I'm constantly torturing myself.

I've had this from childhood. Punishing myself over and over. I had some counselling but it didn't seem to do anything. 40 odd years later and after a bit of a meltdown I now take citalopram (only 10mg) and as long as I take my meds, the thoughts stop and I can sleep.😊😊😊

May need to speak to my doc about medication options. Do you find any side effects with citalopram?

I tried Sertraline first and had every side effect going - so moved onto the low dose of citalopram - was a bit tired to start with and did have some insomnia , but am absolutely fine now. No side effects at all and actually feel happy. I've been on them about 10 months now. Sometimes I try and remember the things I was ruminating over and I either can't even remember them or they seem so insignificant now I can't believe they were keeping me awake! My mind feels clearer and more focused on positive things. I do still get pissed off and upset over major things, but minor things do not stress me at all. I hope you get it sorted. It's so lovely not having a constant critical narrative in my head.

Thank you @Escapedgoats (ps love the username!!)

This sounds very familiar. Comes back every couple of years when I go off the meds. Feel for you but it will go away eventually. I’ve made a lot of mistakes but my brain makes it feel like I’ve killed someone. It’s very hard to deal with but you aren’t alone.

Found this thread while lying awake torturing myself with past indiscretions. Just started ADs again as I know this is one of the signs that I'm spiralling again

I've had this for as long as I can remember. I assumed it was normal? not good. Like others have said I constantly replay bad events however minor from many years ago. I find it difficult to think or concentrate on any good memories. Its horrible.

It's like pp said about your brain making you feel like you've killed someone
I have to rationalise the fact that I accidentally cut someone up on a roundabout 12 years ago / got drunk and made a tit of myself / accidentally upset someone etc etc etc against the fact that there are people who plan to go out and murder or rape someone . Otherwise I start feeling like I don't deserve to be here .