What the hell is wrong with me? Reliving mistakes and shame

[Youngatheart00]

Recently it’s like my mind cannot be at rest. Unless I drink too much I’m finding it tough to sleep as it seems my brain has got into the habit of settling in to reminiscing over a certain period in my life (this changes - but could be ‘when I was a teenager’ or ‘when I lived in X city’.

It’s then like the opposite of a highlights reel begins to play in my mind, of all the things from that period I did that I now regret. This ranges from making poor relationship or work choices, to drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, not taking care of myself.

I’d say my life is relatively stable now, I’m in an ok place. But why do I keep resurfacing old memories and beating myself up with them? Things I haven’t thought about in decades are now resurfacing along with feelings of shame and self loathing and I don’t seem to be able to stop it.

One strategy I have is to hit 'the fast forward button' where you see everything go past really quickly, that way still do it but it affects you less and it takes less time

This is interesting as I can’t on here to say just this. I have become really unwell with thoughts about past trauma during lockdown. I think I have kept myself busy all these years and now that I have stopped it has brought it all to the forefront. I am off sick from work, have started ADs and counselling. Sending love to all going through this right now x

came on here*

I have this issue too. I feel like it is really ruining my life because I spend so much time checking over things that I have done looking for mistakes and not trusting my own judgement of things. I think I have got worse since lockdown started, but don't really know what to do about seeking help.

I'm glad I found this thread as I have been feeling the same over the past two weeks. It feels worse when I wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep. I have also been getting heart palpitations because of it.

I am on holiday atm and dh hopes the change of scenery will cure it. I have an appointment for blood tests and an ecg next week. I fear that it may not be as simple, and that I am developing depression and anxiety.

Oh gosh, me too. I’ve a vast catalogue of things I hate myself for. Some of them are probably imaginary. I can have a really lovely day out with friends, come home feeling really happy, and then the next day bang, it’s like somebody put a horror filter over the day and I look back over it convinced I said stupid things, embarrassed myself, offended people and generally confirmed all the dreadful things I assumed people think about me.
It’s awful and I wish I could stop

Yes same here. It's work stuff mostly with me. A few years ago I got a telling off in work ( somewhat deserved) and ever since I keep going over the reasons for it , what i could have done differently and the fallout after. I was going to start a thread here but decided it was too outing. It doesnt help that the issue rumbles on. I will also do like pp and think through conversations with friends and think how I might have offended them or bragged or whatever. I went through a phase of scolding my long suffering DH when he said anything a bit out of place to friends, especially if they weren't close friends, that seems to have passed thankfully and I realise he's his own man and what he says isn't coming from me. Not that it was anything too bad anyway.

OP you need some self compassion.

Easier said than done, but ask yourself, if your friend or child disclosed some of these things to you, would you berate them or be there for them with empathy?

Sometimes our internal voices are unhealthy we struggle to allow ourselves to live by the standards we allow others.

I too have done many things for which I spent a long time feeling ashamed. I too failed to disclose these things to anyone, still today. But what I wont allow to enter the dialogue anymore is blame and regret.

At the time that you made those decisions, they were the right ones for you. Maybe you had limited options, maybe you were in a trauma response cycle, exposing yourself to even more traumatic experiences to cope with the initial trauma. I dont know.

What I do know is that now, being of sound mind, in a safe space, you (i) wouldn't repeat them. They do not define who I am as a person. I didn't hurt anyone except myself.

I had to put that blame and self loathing with the person it belonged with. The person who caused the initial trauma. Because without that event, I would never have exposed myself to the things I did. I was vulnerable and it was taken advantage of majorly.

Your circumstances may be different, but I get the feeling that you will understand.

Much love x

I also go over and over things which may come back to haunt me, such as inadvertently breaking a confidence and the agreived party not knowing, and I play out the conversation in my mind when confronted even though it probably won't ever happen, and wouldn't be the end of the world if it did. It's weird, with the work thing I was a bit shocked at the time but thinking rationally , it was only months afterwards that the ruminating began.

In some cases could this be 'Pure O' - a form of OCD? Symptoms are repetitive and obsessive thoughts.

@Chameleon2003

In some cases could this be 'Pure O' - a form of OCD? Symptoms are repetitive and obsessive thoughts.

I'd never heard of that until now. Does somewhat fit. Is there overlap with this and autism does anyone know? Planning and fretting that I've missed something for example. Going too deep into subjects in case I miss something vital.

I thought I had posted on this thread back when it started, but it was obv a similar one. For our family it’s definitely linked to OCD. I have the same traits and self manage, but my dd is medicated to help her relieve her relieve symptoms. I didn’t realise that’s what I had until we were going through the diagnostic phase for her. It’s just one particular manifestation of OCD.

@cretelover
The person that I know with suspected Pure OCD also has Aspergers.

I am so glad I read this, I have been looking in shame at my past lately with how I behaved in my 20's, the way I treated friends, and generally what a dick I was back then and into my 30's.