What the hell is wrong with me? Reliving mistakes and shame

[Youngatheart00]

Recently it’s like my mind cannot be at rest. Unless I drink too much I’m finding it tough to sleep as it seems my brain has got into the habit of settling in to reminiscing over a certain period in my life (this changes - but could be ‘when I was a teenager’ or ‘when I lived in X city’.

It’s then like the opposite of a highlights reel begins to play in my mind, of all the things from that period I did that I now regret. This ranges from making poor relationship or work choices, to drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, not taking care of myself.

I’d say my life is relatively stable now, I’m in an ok place. But why do I keep resurfacing old memories and beating myself up with them? Things I haven’t thought about in decades are now resurfacing along with feelings of shame and self loathing and I don’t seem to be able to stop it.

@jogalong I also get the repetitive crap songs it drives me crazy

Yes, me too. I've lived with this for thirty years, now 62. It has blighted my life and made me feel suicidal. It's good to know I'm not alone, thanks all for sharing.

I have this at the moment and it's awful. I'm dredging up past mistakes and torturing myself over them and worrying about my health and what would happen to my kids if I died. I find that most often I get it around my period when my anxiety tends to go through the roof. I thought it was just me that did this.

I have this at the moment and it's awful. I'm dredging up past mistakes and torturing myself over them and worrying about my health and what would happen to my kids if I died. I find that most often I get it around my period when my anxiety tends to go through the roof. I thought it was just me that did this.

Me too. Am currently having an awful time with it. The memories seem to come out of nowhere. I'll be feeling fine and thinking about nothing in particular and then suddenly pow! and I'm overcome with an old (and often trivial) recollection of a minor mistake or indiscretion and have a racing pulse. It's really horrible.

The book Self-compassion by Kristin Neff is really good. Think she has a TED talk too, though I haven't watched it.

this is one of them, she has a few

ed.ted.com/on/zhq011AI#review

Does anyone else have this problem if they wake up too early?

I have this too. I've always been a worrier and it has gone to full blown anxiety. If I'm occupied I'm not as bad but I've been finding the last few weeks of lockdown tough as my mind is wandering off. I'm thinking of things that happened in my past and the consequences of them coming out into the open, but taking it to the extreme and thinking of crazy scenarios that I know are unlikely but there's still the " what if". Like tiny details of thoughts I've had and things I've done wrong and telling myself I'm an awful person. At the moment I seem to have gone calmer and I'm more focused and I'm sure it's to do with something as simple as having the routine of the kids being back in school.

I have this all the time!!! When it's at its worst I find myself saying stuff out loud before I even notice - cunt, slag, not nice things but I guess it's how I feel about me and my actions. I put it down to my depression returning but I'm not doing anything about it just yet

@Crystal87 I'm the same with regards to being occupied. If I'm busy I'm fine but it doesn't take much downtime before it starts again.

I do this. Some of the things I think about happens 30 years ago. It’s incredibly tiresome. Sertraline stops it for me.

I have this. As others have said, it’s very draining.

I’m on anti-depressants (Mirtazapine) which I find helps quite a lot. But the condition is still limiting – I’d prefer to say nothing at all, lest I get something wrong which I’ll beat myself up for later, over and over.

I have also had this, from start of my teens. A relief to know i'm not alone. I drive myself half mad, reliving every 'bad' thing I can remember.
Wonder if this is a specific, named condition? Would be reassuring to be able to put a name to it!

My doctor told me it was a form of OCD, the same as health anxiety, which I have also suffered from.

I have this, as well and have bpd.

I’ve had this in a mild form for a long time, hand in hand with depression. Over lockdown it’s got really terrible, like a showreel of mistakes. It doesn’t help that I’ve got a really good memory for conversations. Glad I’m not alone.

@bellag79 I have Bpd also

I have a friend who was / is an alcoholic, dry for 5 years now, previous stints in rehab. He explained something to me about relapse. Basically the things you do drunk are things that you are ashamed of and embarrassed by when sober. So sober you start with the self loathing, because when you are sober you realise the impact of these behaviours. This makes you feel uncomfortable, so you do the thing that makes you feel better (in his case, drink, for others eat, drugs, shop, gamble, etc). Then you feel ashamed that you dealt with it like that. The only way out of the spiral is to retrain your brain. He was quite far gone, so basically has replaced alcohol with exercise. I've had ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) to overcome depression, who helps. It uses amongst other things, mindfulness techniques, which seem to be useful for pretty much everbody!

Spring, it would be helpful to have a specific name, at least for googling purposes to learn more about the condition.

King, that’s interesting that your doctor says it’s similar to OCD. I know from reading Mumsnet that OCD isn’t what most people think it is. And also the link to health anxiety. It seems to be about a reaction to the sense of not being in control of our own lives.

I have tried to think about it in terms of Freud’s tripartite view of the psyche, the id (primitive, inborn), the ego (the self), and the superego (the moral conscience), but I don’t think it’s my superego that’s criticising me – it seems external. And my best bet for my own personal external critic is my mother who absolutely loved it when others made mistakes. That wouldn’t be everyone’s experience, of course, but it’s like a hypervigilance of constantly boosting the memories of when we got it wrong as a kind of prevention of never doing that again so we don’t get criticised. It’s a bit like an overactive immune system.

This happens to me when my mental health is going down the pan. In me it is a sign of depression coming on.

I’ve had this for as long as I can remember. I think about things I did at uni (20 years ago) and feel embarrassed and ashamed even though nothing was particularly awful. I also relive work moments in my head, again from years ago. I’m convinced I made a fool of myself on my wedding day and can’t even have wedding photos on display and don’t acknowledge our wedding anniversary.

I didn’t know it was so common so thank you all for sharing and I’m going to look for some help.

Does anyone else have this problem if they wake up too early?

Yes, always worst first thing in the morning though it can happen at any time. I have a list of awful/embarrassing things and once I start, I can't stop. If I'm on my own I sometimes cry out because the self-hatred is so bad.

I will look at the resources above.

This post and replies have been very helpful to me.

hoteltango I had exactly the same situation with my hypercritical mother! I never felt good enough. This led to me aways striving to get her approval and invariably failing.
I have very low self esteem and terrible feeling of guilt.