Lockdown: wish I had no kids – zero judgement zone if you feel the same

[u32ng]

Lockdown is the first time I have ever been made to feel regret for having children (mine are 7 and 4). Being with your kids 24/7 is a special kind of parental hell, and 2 months into it I am really, really weary and miserable. Actually, depressed is probably more accurate tbh. And I know I am not the only one – everyone will have their own version of hell going on.

I have to stop torturing myself with how much better I would feel mentally if it was just me and DH.

So, if anyone has the magical answer(s) for how to survive this headfuck of a situation, then I’m all ears. Equally, if you just want to come in and commiserate with me then let rip. I certainly won’t be dishing out any judgements, and hope everyone else has the good sense not to either.

vix that's so much to deal with, so sorry to hear about your parents. If it's any consolation my 12 year old is in a screen for at least 50% of his waking hours.

I'm not enjoying any if this either

Overall, it’s been okay for us but we have self-sufficient older teenagers/young adults. We are very aware how different this would be with younger children, health worries, elderly parents with illnesses, if I were working (I do seasonal work which was cancelled) and DH was worried about his job. Also, we’re not the most sociable so haven’t really missed that!

At the very beginning we put in certain measures to ensure our collective mental health. Everyone has to cook once a week, I divvied out the cleaning (we’re quite lax about that at the best of times 😬), a family walk once a week, board game night (winner picks the next game) and film night (pick in order, plus snacks!).

We have listened to the indignant rants from our eldest (Uni student 😜) but he got off his backside and did something. Prior to that it was the typical paradox of youthful indignation and apathy!

Those who are constantly juggling so many balls at this time have my admiration. No judgement from me for those fantasy moments of wishing it could be different.

Thanks for this thread u32ng

I also have a seven and a four year old...and a one year old.

My life is in tatters, the children are happy and well, but barely know who I am anymore. I used to be interesting, slim and attractive. Now I am a shapeless pallid lump living a very limited life.

I am breastfeeding one year old around the clock while caring for two extremely active children who pretty much keep the same hours I do. There is no time in the evening to be an adult. It is work, sleep, repeat. Over and over.

My strategies for coping:

I fantasise everyday about what I would be doing if I was single and wfh, being paid and LIVING ALONE. It is heaven. I go through my whole day in my mind. All the things I would do, and all the time I would take.

I stick an interesting podcast in my ears while I clean. If anyone talks to me I just nod and point at something.

Pick a night for takeaway once a week. Order whatever the hell you want and relish it.

I drink my coffee in bed alone every morning, it is 100% non negotiable. I pass the baby to my partner and jamb the door. For 20 mins I am alone and I use some of this time to think about how it will be in a few years when they are grown and I barely see them anymore. I put myself in their shoes and try to think of the mother they need to have/ the mother I wish I had of had.

I put my head in my hands and silently scream!

If I really feel grim I just don't talk. I take a couple of hours off talking. I smile at the baby and put music on for the children but I talk as little possible, saves a lot of energy.

Get out and walk by yourself as often as possible. This is rare for me but ALWAYS always helps.

Think about and mentally plan a future trip you will take on your own. This may be ages off but you can still escape into your imagination. It helps me to remember there will be some sort of future.

Good luck, I really feel for all mothers of small children during this time, we will never be quite the same again after this extreme endurance test. We parents are human beings too and deserve love and care, if no one is giving it to you, demand It or give it to yourself, even in short bursts, this can be enough to keep you going.

Omg I needed this thread, thank you so much. I feel like I’m losing my mind and like many others have said, I love my kids but I need a SERIOUS break. My one year olds sleep is still terrible (last night I got 3 hrs sleep between 10-6.30, that level of hell) - a good night is 1-2 wakings and obviously ZERO respite all day, when she naps I have to try and give poor DD1 (six) some quality time. The guilt is overwhelming. I feel like every other family is trotting off to the beach and for long walks but I just don’t have the energy most days. We do go on a walk most days but I guess we aren’t instagramming the shit out of it.

I’m a hugely introverted and sensitive person, a real ‘absorber’, and I have felt suicidal during this time, because I feel like every cell in my body is being attacked and shaken and screamed at 24/7. Thats how it feels. I have complex ptsd from an abusive childhood and I literally REQUIRE downtime to cope with everyday life (I think we all do, but for some of us it becomes a living hell in our minds when trauma resurfaces - ESPECIALLY when you’re using every ounce of strength not to repeat patterns on your own kids!)

I’m torn between returning DD to school (now/ever?); DH is fully depressed and not able to help enough, I’m debating SSRIs again just to cope (which makes me SO angry because I was doing ok). Then all the larger worries and stresses of the world out there....no wonder we are all cracking.

Hugs to everyone, we have been royally screwed over and the mental health implications are going to be huge and ongoing (and anyone who gets pissed at that can just go and sit in their presumably perfectly mowed garden with their apparently completely self-sufficient children and their zero anxiety about the state of the world/their own financial stability etc and do fucking yoga or whatever and applaud themselves on being the ‘bestest-est’...🙄

I have a 2 and a 3 year old, I'm a single parent and I'm wfh as a key worker and not entitled to furlough.

Yes, lockdown without them would be fantastic. I love wfh and am looking forward to continuing it after this is all over. Not being asked for snacks constantly would be great, being able to go for walks would be great. I cannot take them out for walks, they are both fast and can't be trusted so we are stuck at home. My ex has finally started to take them one night a week for the last 2 weeks after we split up in January.

I met someone on tinder at the beginning of May, if I didn't have children we would have moved in together at this point so we could see each other more than one night a week. Though that probably isn't exclusive to lockdown (don't worry, no intention of him meeting the children for a long time yet before I get jumped on).

I bet my house would have been fully renovated by now too without children. As it is I'm trying to repaint one room to move them both in together and it has taken weeks and weeks to get just one coat of paint on the walls. Needs another coat, plus touching up the white bits, then I can finally put furniture together and move them in.

I feel guilty for realising I'd enjoy lockdown without them, so no need for others to try and make me feel worse.

@InkieNecro if anyone judges you that says far more about them. Your circumstances sound incredibly tough, and you will look back in this and think ‘whoa, I was a warrior’. People cannot keep underestimating the mental load on mothers right now ESPECIALLY those wfh and single mothers on top?! You have two toddlers 24/7 and are working....you’re amazing. We would all be ‘enjoying lockdown’ more if we didn’t have the kids every waking moment - this is a totally abnormal situation! Even during the spencer world war with air raids and stuff, kids still got to play together and go to school! And mums could have tea/dinner together and hug and support each other. This is unprecedented and we need to be FAR kinder to ourselves (I know I’m a total hypocrite, much easier to see other people being hard on themselves). (Also, you’re allowed to want to date people and hopefully will have that v soon) xx

Thank you, it's rather crap! I do know someone in a worse position than me though so I try not to complain unless I'm actually asked how it's going by people who care for more than 'good thanks'.

Looking forward to returning them to nursery, but also worried they will find it hard to adapt.

Totally know how you feel! I'm jealous of those without kids in this lockdown.
I have a 1 year old and a 3 year old and my mum has had to have them for a couple of night because I just broke. I've started some anti depressants so hopefully those will make me feel better soon.
I also actually feel jealous of my husband who gets to leave the house and go to work!

@clockticktok I know the feeling, I also feel jealous of my dh getting to escape the kids at work! Also toying with the idea of trying anti d's again.

Hope everyone is holding up ok. You are my people! It's going to be a long summer.

We definitely are in for a long summer but at least the pressure of homeschooling will be off us also things are opening up a little if you feel safe to go out a little more, slightly a glimmer of hope. My ads haven't started working yet I'm having days where I'm anxious and crying then days when I feel ok..but today I have woke up feeling like i have a plan try to ignore the children tidy my house that will probably make me feel a bit better

Mine are 8,5 and 3. We’ve had a lot of fantasy conversations about how amazing lockdown would be if a) we didn’t have to work and / or b) we didn’t have the kids

to all the latest posters and your coping tips @HotelRoomforOne I have definitely used the fantasizing about an alternate lockdown life on many, many occasions but had to stop as it was getting too upsetting for me when reality crashed back in.

Bedtime is currently my favourite time of the day. That moment when my head hits the pillow and I pull over the covers and it is QUIET and no-one wants a piece of me and I can think about some nice things like planning my next craft project (even if it will be 100 years before I get around to starting it!)

I know I'm late to the party but can I join? You seem like you might be my people.

I have a 6 year old and a 20 month old.
I'm working full time outside the home in a job that is rewarding but stressful and emotionally draining (made even more so by the pandemic) so I feel like my life is just a never-ending cycle of get up at stupid o'clock, be a slave to small people, go to work and run around like a headless chicken for 8 hours, come home exhausted and be a slave to small people again, go to bed, get up at stupid o'clock and repeat... it's relentless and completely fucking joyless. The toddler doesn't sleep, like AT ALL. DH is WFH but under a lot of pressure and working ridiculous hours so we're like ships that pass in the night. My MH has taken a battering over the past three months. I live with PTSD (since I was a teenager) which I generally manage quite well but since lockdown I'm all over the place emotionally. I've also just been diagnosed with PMDD (which is absolute hell and seems to get worse every month) so the GP has prescribed Sertraline (along with a couple of other meds for the physical symptoms) but I haven't been brave enough to take it yet after reading about all the horrendous side effects people on here have had.

I love my kids but I find myself fantasising about running away and starting a new, care-free life without them a lot lately and it makes me feel guilty as hell.

It’s been no picnic working from home with tearful pre-teen DD and stroppy teen DS, but my heart honestly goes out to those with little ones. It must be so intense and relentless. At least older kids are happy to lie in / glue themselves to screens when you need a bit of peace!

to you, OP. Things will get better. Hopefully you’ll get some decent weather over the summer and can get out and about and have some fun.

@welcometohell

Just wanted to say, I started taking fluoxetine a few years ago for PMDD and it works like magic. I never had that terrible, dark premenstrual depression and rage again. I wish I’d known years ago! Could’ve saved myself years of awfulness. Hopefully the Sertraline will work for you.

MyBingaling thank you It's good to hear something positive about SSRI's as all I've seen so far are horror stories. I wonder if those who've had a bad experience are just more likely to post about it. I'm glad you've found something that works for you, PMDD is truly brutal. I work term time only so I've decided I'm going to start the Sertraline when I break up for summer. That way even if I have a really rough few weeks with the side effects I won't have to worry about functioning at work while my body gets used to them.

Hi all. Glad I found this thread. Falling apart today & just needed to hear from people feeling & experiencing the same.

I have DS1 who is 2.5 & DD2 who is 9 months. DS1 is a lovely kid but behind his peers & is only just starting to talk which means communication is hard & our 1:1 time is limited due to DD. She is a nightmare. She just screams most of the day. I can't get anything done. If it was a case of just holding her, fine, I'd do it but she writes all over & still screams. I breastfeed so I give her the boob & she bites & scratches me & unlatches every other second to look at TV or her brother so it's not calming in the slightest. Not sure what else will chill her out though. She cries much more than she smiles (we treat her for teething & constipation but are never sure if they are the cause)

Losing my support network has been so bloody hard. DH WFH for first 10 weeks which was a godsend but now he is doing both WFH & going into work & when he is at home, he's so busy. He is amazing though & I'm lucky on that score.

I feel like I've lost myself
Wearing the same clothes, holes in most leggings but nothing else fits
Eating like a pig because it makes me happy at the time but know I'm getting fatter & feeling rubbish
Doing nothing with toddler as there's nowhere to go & can't let him roam free due to the fact he runs off. Rain has been shit as he loves garden

I want to write more but my brain is frazzled. Had a long day of tears & tantrums from all 3 of us with DH just trying to hold it all together for me. I'm tired

*writhes

@welcometohell Absolutely! Come in, this is an open-all-hours party. Like I said, I've no magic solutions at present, but sympathise with your feelings. I hope that you get on ok with your medication.

@DaddysGirl36 I know what you mean. It's hard to sometime even formulate basic thoughts, such is the mental onslaught, and in your case, the physical tiredness on top. It's like going to a loud concert and coming out with ears ringing - except with your brain.

@welcometohell and @MyBingaling I have PMDD too which I think just exacerbates the awfulness of lockdown and 3 young kids. Currently having my worst month in a while. @MyBingaling that's great fluoxetine works for you, what dose do you take? I tried it for 2 weeks last year and felt it made me angrier on my supposed 'good' week as I have just one. Thinking of trying it again and giving it the proper 3 months this time.

I feel like I've lost myself

I think it is very normal and understandable to feel this way with small children. My job is stressful and sometimes I think life would be easier (as in less stuff to juggle) if I didn't work but I keep at it because at least when I'm there I have a clear sense of who I am other than "X and Y's Mum" if that makes sense? When I was on maternity leave I felt like I didn't even know who I was anymore aside from a human feeding/changing/burping machine.
for you, you're at a really tough stage even without the pandemic making it harder!

The tabs doc gave me has certainly helped me a little now, I also taken a back seat with homeschooling if my children kick up a fuss I will not retaliate anymore, by trying to force them. They are fed up of it.
Its rained all day here so been stuck in the house, not been for our walk...I'm having 5 mins while there eating there tea feeling happy day is nearly over.

It makes you realise how important it is that women nowadays have so much more freedom and independence to have careers than in the past (although there's obviously a way to go to achieve equality in the workplace). Because throughout most of history, most women would have been at home with their children 24/7 all the time, not just during a pandemic!

Thank you for this thread.

I have a 22 month old and am 15 weeks pregnant. Lockdown was great at the start. We both lost our jobs so we spent time on long walks, DIY and Skyping family. But as the weeks have gone on, things have ground to a halt and the hours have started to drag by.

I’m not sure how much longer I can carry on with nothing to do and nowhere to go. I don’t understand why we will be able to book a holiday and go to the pub soon but can’t take our children to playgroups, swimming and soft play.

I wake up with my DS in the morning and we have breakfast and bath time and then.... I just don’t know what to do... I spend the rest of the day just following him around the house and the garden. If the weather is ok I’ll take him for a walk but I know my MH is suffering as I’m losing my motivation.

We had to let our CM go as we lost our jobs and can’t afford childcare so he doesn’t even get to go there anymore.

I really do appreciate this thread. When I had my baby I imagined showing him the world, taking him to new places and having adventures .... this situation is just mind blowing!

@helloandthankyou one of mine has just turned 2 it's hard work isn't it, I use to find it easier to go out with my lo when my others were at school but now we are all cooped up at home, do gone back to work so have no adult conversation during the day. I have 3 altogether 2-4-7