Lockdown: wish I had no kids – zero judgement zone if you feel the same

[u32ng]

Lockdown is the first time I have ever been made to feel regret for having children (mine are 7 and 4). Being with your kids 24/7 is a special kind of parental hell, and 2 months into it I am really, really weary and miserable. Actually, depressed is probably more accurate tbh. And I know I am not the only one – everyone will have their own version of hell going on.

I have to stop torturing myself with how much better I would feel mentally if it was just me and DH.

So, if anyone has the magical answer(s) for how to survive this headfuck of a situation, then I’m all ears. Equally, if you just want to come in and commiserate with me then let rip. I certainly won’t be dishing out any judgements, and hope everyone else has the good sense not to either.

I hear you OP. I don't wish I hadn't had our 2 but I have said to DH that it would be so much easier without them in lockdown. DH is out at work all day during the week, I work 3 days at home in a job that's very stressful and been made even more difficult. I could feel myself becoming anxious and low by week 7 and inevitably hit the wall. We've both taken a week off work, sacked home schooling, and it's made me feel 100% better. And keep off social media, that helps loads.

Thank you for this thread!

Definitely don’t wish I didn’t have DC but I am definitely struggling. I’m tired so so tired all the time, she’s frustrated I’m frustrated, her routine has gone out the window because she’s dropped naps, teething, not at nursery, can’t understand why she can’t go out, can’t go to all the parks she sees on walks. It’s bloody hard!

I feel guilty all the time. All the day. I’m emotionally and physically exhausted but really do love her so much and just want the best for her. So thank you for letting me have a selfish rant. You are absolutely not alone.

Oh the memory makers on social media do one please. And @CherryPavlova this thread is not for you.

Hi. Whilst I don’t wish that I’d never had my dc, I’m absolutely exhausted, mentally drained and feel trapped in my home. My ds has autism and whilst I completely understand his difficulties as I have adhd, I’ll admit that some days I wish I could run away from everything just for a little while. My ds is aggressive with me which triggers bad feelings from when I was a child and was hit. He also shouts throws things stomps aroufn the house etc and there is just a constant noise in our house, it’s never peaceful. My dh is great and he’s still working which I was happy about as he needs work for his mental health, but I’m feeling a bit resentful now as I’m stuck at home all day. My ds refuses to do things he needs to like having a bath brushing teeth getting dressed etc and he refuses to go outside so I can’t go for a walk when dh isn’t here I’m just stuck inside. Don’t have a proper garden just a small yard and when I do sit outside I don’t stay out long as my neighbour spends all his day shouting at his kids and in general being very loud. I’m not sleeping great either which impacts on my mood. You’re definitely not on your own OP

Hi everybody,

First off @CherryPavlova your message was really unwelcome and it's comments like yours that made me take a 2.5yr break from Mumsnet because I was so fed up of all the bloody snarky comments that myself and other people were subject to. This was my first post in that time so nice to see things haven't changed...

Yes I'm fed up of being chief snack bitch (thank you for that new amusing bit of vocab @Fckthissht).
Yes things would be easier right now without my kids in the picture.
BUT I love them both very much even though they are hard work and quite often make me want to scream. I think the Hurrah for Gin cartoon where her day is 'FML' and bedtime is 'I love you so much I could die' perfectly illustrates parenting in a nutshell.

Anyway, it's been comforting to know that I'm not alone in feeling like total crap, although I also feel sad thinking of all of us struggling away the days. Especially those with very young ones who really don't know what's going on and rely on you for everything and don't keep sociable sleep hours!

I'm yet to come up with any tips of my own to make life easier but:

1. totally agree about minimising social media time (I'm also so over all the 'memory makers' & show off posts! Piss off).

1. having that 'yes' day with screen time/food and an oven dinner was a great suggestion, so thank you and I can definitely recommend doing this as it did help a bit.

If I discover anything else i'll come back and share. hugs to all.

Yes. I seem to have hit a wall this week and I can't shake myself out of it, I think I actually feel depressed. It's shit. I have a 16 month old and a partner working from home who does plenty, it's not like I'm the worst off, but I am exhausted. He's watching masses of TV while I work, but I can't really concentrate so then I'm staying up late to actually get stuff done. My partner seems to be able to block him out and not worry when he's whingy or had watched too much TV, he just gets on with work. I can't do it. I want to send him back to nursery but I don't think it's safe yet and I just don't know what to do. I'm drowning.

Il join in... my children are great, but I'm struggling i say time to do work I get told no not again, cant tidy up coz chasing toddler round house. Doctors have now put me on a mild antidepressant. This lockdown has made me and life crumble..

Sympathies OP. Mine are older and I'm still struggling. Today I'm actually having a day off which is a huge relied as my mental health is not good now. Can you meet up with another family outside somewhere? Has helped us. And also just give yourself a couple of hours off of an afternoon even if it means kids watch TV. Take care.

we also gave takeaway Fridays and one other dinner will be something like a pre bought pie so v easy.

You're definitely not alone in these feelings, PND here too which has just got worse over the last few months, I feel ashamed to admit I'm not coping. My DP was furloughed for about 3 months but went back a week ago, with one day's notice and I'm feeling like I want to disappear, having terrible panic attacks, nightmares. DP says he knows I'm struggling, that's an understatement. What kind of mother am I wanting to just run away

@LHMBF I said that to my partner this weekend..such a horrible feeling isn't it.
Everything has just got out of control, I just dont see a way forward.
Hope we have a better day, mine hasn't gone off to a flying start tho, children have gone off to there rooms in a mood. Someone give me strength!

@Want2sparkle it's awful. You feel so trapped and everything seems so hopeless, and then people say change the way you think. Yes ok that's very helpful, I'll just get the remote control for my brain and turn off the PND setting.
Hope you have a better day too, and days

Even without a paid job it’s very difficult, relentless, particularly for introverts.

Hats off to all of you surviving lockdown with small children.
My one saving grace in all of this is that my youngest is 9 years old.

A few years ago and i wouldn't have coped.

I agree. I’d also quite like to be single at this point.

3 months in and with no sign of improvement for another 3 months. Holiday club booking cancelled this morning as they don’t think they can open safely and no chance of any school until at least September. And grandparent care probably on hold too as both my parents are shielding. And to top it all off any second that we don’t have to children around (socially distanced football training or in bed) DH wants to spend with me. I need more time on my own.

I had a little sob in the shower this morning and then had to pull myself together when both Dh disturbed me because he wanted a birthday card and then the DC came to ask about breakfast. I even have to take a child running with me.

Agggghhhhh. Work are being supportive but the issue isn’t just trying to juggle multiple demands, it’s that time and space on my own to process things is non-existent.

I don't so much regret having kids as wishing I could be living through this pre kids.

Coping mechanisms:
Screen time. Lots and lots of screen time. Sometimes TV and tablet simultaneously.
Lots of snacks
Just ignoring them and letting them crack on (read the "how did women cope" thread. I felt like it gave me permission to just let the kids crack on and not actively parent them) they play very well together when I do that.
Booked annual leave just to have space to breathe.
Daily "quiet time"

None of the above has stopped me having to go to the GP with spiralling anxiety and depression right enough. It's fucking grim, especially as everyone's support network has basically been whipped away.

I admit I’ve never felt so thankful to be childfree as I have during lockdown. I couldn’t imagine being stuck at home with one or more children with no escape. Must be hell.

@u32ng it's bloody hard. Please don't worry about @CherryPavlova, she's quite well known on MN, not in a good way.

Even with older kids, 12 and 19 I'm the same. It's like all their indepence has been wiped out. They are needy in ways I thought we had moved past. Their mental health is suffering because their support network is wiped out. My shaky mental health has been upended because wider support is non existent. So yes. Love my kids but I want some space. Feel guilty if 12 year old is craving my attention, guilty I'm not mentally in a place to give it. I'm already on AD meds was supposed to be coming off them. Feel like I've gone back two years. On fact reading PP I think the kids probably have developmentally too. For those with older children and teens I find a puzzle with colouring type book means I can 'listen' alongside them and quell the waves of disquiet in my head. Those with younger children - TV is not a bad thing for them or you if it helps get through the day.

My youngest two are 18 and 19 and are with us and even dh - the most patient of men - has reached the point where he can't listen to one more political rant/young engaged adult rant at the world. It goes on and on. And we are in the sweet zone - they are independent, talk to their friends on-line and like time alone.

If I had small children I think I would be insane. The only way we got through those early child years was by going out for the day to parks/zoos/beaches at the weekend preferably with friends with kids the same age. The idea of managing everything in your own home, no relief, and home-schooling! I feel for you all doing this.

Struggling too. I have no headspace between the kids and a WFH job that’s become incredibly stressful lately. DH would’ve been a brilliant help if he hadn’t gone and died of cancer end 2016. I was shattered before covid. Really, really on the edge now.

to all. We just need to hold our nerve.

Its the guilt that's getting to me. Guilt that I'm not enjoying it enough, that they're on screens too much, that they're not learning enough, that I'm not making enough effort to educate them, that I'm getting snappy and frustrated with them.

6 and 9 here. My 9 year old would play video games ALL day if I let him and my 6 year old just wants to be with me every waking moment.

My dad died just before lockdown, suddenly and completely unexpectedly and my mum died in August last year so I have a lot to deal with emotionally and absolutely no headspace to do so. It's shit.

Bluebells sympathies re mental health. Mine's worst its been for a couple of years too.