In a very dark place.. Kind words?

[Morning7512]

Hi, this is my first time making a post, I feel embarrassed already. I don't know what I'm wanting from this, but I think at the moment I just need some kindness even if it is from strangers on the Internet.

I've been in a very dark place for some time now, and recently things have been really coming to a head. I have no support network, no friends or close family. I am extremely isolated but that is totally my own fault. I have been feeling increasingly suicidal. I have never felt this bad.

I have become almost scared of interacting with others so this post is a big step for me. But it also means that leaving the house or contacting my GP is not a possibility right now. Anytime somebody knocks my door I get a rush of fear and adrenaline and nearly throw up, I struggle to think straight and get dizzy and it takes me ages to stop shaking and breathe - never resulting in me answering the door of course..

There is a lot more to it than I have posted but I didn't want to do a long rambling thread. And someone knocked on my door over an hour ago and I'm still hiding, I haven't taken my eyes off the door (they left ages ago), and I am struggling to think straight or calm down.

I was wondering if anyone has been through anything similar and how they cope? Or how the hell I can go about getting over this. This was all happening before the current pandemic by the way, so it hasn't been triggered by that.

Thanks for anyone who has read this far

I'm sorry to hear this. I don't think you should be so hard on blaming yourself and there is no reason to be embarrassed for starting a post and asking for help.

Could you arrange a GP phone appointment and explain what you've written here so they can best help you?

In the past I've been exactly there too - scared to leave the house and interact with people, isolated from friends & family and I couldn't think straight and felt suicidal. It's a really very tough thing to experience so I feel for you. You're not alone though I know from experience it can feel like it.

Sorry to hear you're feeling like this. I also have a fear of leaving the house but for other reasons. So I do understand the feelings of being trapped and isolating yourself.

As pp said, give your GP a call and see if there is anything they can advise over the phone. It will be less daunting than a face to face appointment but it might give you some ideas on how to move forward. Samaritans are also always there for support.

Don't feel embarrassed for posting. Mental health problems are definitely not uncommon and you've already taken the first step by reaching out. Sending love and strength x

@Toriltorstensen thank you so much for your kind words.

Did you see your doctor?

It really does feel lonely and I had convinced myself that loneliness was what I wanted and deserved but I am struggling now.

I can't even contemplate phoning my doctor just now, but it is something I will try and work towards.

Thank you

@Jellybellykelly25 bless you for posting and for your kind words, I appreciate it

Sorry to hear that you also fear leaving the house and I hope you are okay. Thank you

There's a difference between being alone and being lonely, but they often go hand-in-hand. But the truth is that, like a PP said, you're not alone, and you will see that in the replies on this thread.

Samaritans have an email address. Perhaps, if you can't find any more words to say to them, you can email them with a link to this thread? The email address is [email protected] if you're interested - they will be able to help you more than we can on here.

You will get through this, and if you take my advice then the first step is already done. It took a huge amount of courage to talk to us, so I think I speak for everyone who's posted on this thread when I say that we're proud of you for that

@Morning7512 yes I did pluck up the courage to see a GP but my thinking was so muddy and it was difficult to make that step. If you tell your GP you have suicidal feelings this may be easier to explain over a phone appointment? If you can ring them please do as it helped me. The hardest part can be dealing with the reception to book the appointment in the first place as it all seems so surreal yet ordinary and you are likely feeling very far apart from normality right now?

Taking small steps honestly helped me and looking back I can't believe how low I was and in desperate need of help from outside. Reach out and let a medical professional advise you if you can build up to making that step, that's what they are there for.

The Samaritans as suggested by others here is a good call too! That's two good options you have right now - three, including your thread

Bearlyactive thanks for your reply

I tried the samaritans email a few days ago, I thought it wasn't great if I'm completely honest - replies are very generic, zero emotion and as soon as the word suicide is mentioned they seemed to hone in on that and ask me about my plans and I found it a bit odd (I could have mentioned several things that were concerning me and suicide was barely mentioned but they were keen to explore that more than anything else if that makes sense). But I understand that was probably just the random people that my emails were sent to and there are others who talk in a different way if that makes sense? Maybe other people that have used this service think differently and I could try again...

I am thankful for your kind words and I am honestly really moved that you have all took the time to reply

I'll share with you one of the best pieces of advice I have ever been given. If you don't think you can make it through the rest of the day, how about the next hour? And if you don't think you can make it through the next hour, how about the next few minutes, even the next thirty seconds? One little chunk at a time, and it made the never-ending stretch of time that I perceived ahead of me so much more bearable.

What you're feeling is valid Morning, but don't give up hope, because you'll get through this, and this thread will just serve as a reminder of how far you've come. Sending virtual hugs/handholds/whatever you're comfortable with.

@Toriltorstensen I am bubbling away like a baby at your kind words!

I get everything about the muddy thinking, and the feeling far from normality. I have also been putting myself off as I think the GP will just decide that it is because of lockdown I have been feeling like this and I am just feeling the same as everyone else.

Things really do feel as if they are getting out of hand. If someone had left £1000 in cash on the path outside my house I wouldn't even contemplate going and fetching it!

Please do contact your gp. You can request to send an e-mail to surgery if you feel talking is v hard for you. It’s not a guarantee - but it is worth exploring. A&e is always open if you do get in a bad state. I hope you are able to get help.

Try and think towards making a call to your GP. Even plan what you might want to say.... it’s the first step towards feeling even a little bit better. If you would like a hand hold we are here

So sorry you're feeling like this. I work for a mental health NHS trust, so many people experience mental health issues, please don't feel you're alone. If you really don't want to speak to a GP, in most areas you can self refer yourself into mental health services. Have a look online, they're normally called something like 'Talking Therapy'.

A message of support to you. Find the the strength to contact your gp and unlock the support they can give. Think of yourselves as riding the rapids, through dangerous and choppy waters. Believe there's calmness and happiness ahead. Think of that. Hang on in there.

And someone knocked on my door over an hour ago and I'm still hiding, I haven't taken my eyes off the door (they left ages ago), and I am struggling to think straight or calm down.

That would have been me a few weeks ago. I was diagnosed with ptsd a few years ago and lockdown has triggered a relapse. Ds was jumping on the inflated packing material that comes in parcels the other day and despite knowing what was coming, I couldn't stop myself flinching/shaking.

Could you email your GP if phoning seems too big a step right now? Or could you write everything down so when you feel up to phoning, you aren't trying to think on the spot. I find that really helps when my brain feels mushy. I had to phone mine a few weeks ago and she understood it was linked to previous experience not lockdown. I agree with the previous poster who said break it down into smaller more manageable chunks. I'm not focusing on anything beyond our evening meal at the moment.

Thank you to everyone that has taken time to write a reply, it has made much more of a difference than I expected.

@dinosauratemydaffodils it's strange that you mentioned ptsd, as a while ago I was diagnosed with c-ptsd. Long story short, after being diagnosed I looked it up and found that a lot of literature doesn't accept it as a diagnosis (or something like that) so I decided I didn't actually have that problem if that makes sense. I had to move to a different city and when I visited my new gp about a recurring health problem they knew nothing about it or any of my medical history, so for me to visit them about this would be like visiting them from scratch (maybe that's a good thing I don't know). I have tried counselling in the past and as I am very poor at putting my feelings into words out loud it was hard to get anywhere and it has put me off even trying again.

That is very good advice from everyone about just focusing on a short time period in front of me. I will do that tonight. You have all been such wonderful help and reading your replies has brought tears to my eyes.

By the way when I said 'I think the GP will just decide that it is because of lockdown I have been feeling like this and I am just feeling the same as everyone else' I don't mean to invalidate anyone's feelings, I mean that I am worried they will put it down to the stress of lockdown that we are all feeling

it's strange that you mentioned ptsd, as a while ago I was diagnosed with c-ptsd

A lot of your opening post resonated. I hate opening the door when I'm alone as well even when I'm expecting someone. Unexpected knocks/doorbell ringing makes me panic. I've hidden before. Part of the reason we bought our house is that our main living space and bedrooms aren't on the ground floor.

Definitely small steps and when you feel up to it, write down what you'd say to the GP whether it ends up being used or not. I think attitudes towards c-PTSD are changing. Certainly my nhs consultant psychiatrist accepts it as diagnosis.

@dinosauratemydaffodils I know exactly how you feel about the doorbell situation and opening the door. I am in a constant state of vigilance in my own home, I spend hours every day hiding by windows and peering out through tiny gaps in the blinds. Someone forced their way into my house last year and we got into a physical altercation and they attacked me and I have nightmares nearly every night about people forcing their way into my house, so even at night it is impossible to switch off.

I will definitely try and write things down. It can be difficult to even allow myself to think about things never mind put them into writing! Yes I get what you mean about the c-ptsd, and I have seen people in other threads mention it more. Just in general over the years there is more info etc on the Internet about it. I guess at the time I thought I'd rather be told they didn't think there was anything wrong with me than give me a diagnosis that I didn't even think was a real thing

Really glad this thread has helped you!

Things really do feel as if they are getting out of hand

That's such a horrible feeling to go through and the others are right by breaking it down into smaller more manageable chunks of time really helps to get through it. Try to be a bit kinder to yourself if you can, to help you get to the other side.

Hi Morning, how are you today?

Hi @bearlyactive I had just came on too this thread to see if I could delete it because I felt embarrsed, and then I saw your message...thank you for checking in

I am sat in my usual hiding spot watching the door. I have been here since just after 8 a.m. Where I am sat is basically under a window so I am sat on the floor but no chance of anyone outside seeing me, but also not very comfortable! I usually stay here until about 6 p.m. by this point I'm hungry and need some dinner but I still hide and keep my eye fixed on the door

I was thinking yesterday about emailing samaritans. I have about 1 day in every 100 where it feels like things could just possibly get better (e.g. yesterday) and the rest of the days I accept that they can't and won't and I suppose I just accept the suicidal thoughts as logic?

How are you today?

Hi OP. I know exactly how you feel. Please don’t be embarrassed, there is nothing to be embarrassed about

I know how that dark place feels and how the thoughts seem so logical

Please try and keep this thread and keep posting. Hopefully it will help you feel a bit of connection with people and help you build back up.

When you’re in your hiding place, can you watch TV or does that feel too much?

Hi @Choice, thank you for your reply. I think you have hit the nail on the head with this: Hopefully it will help you feel a bit of connection with people and help you build back up.

I never expected an anonymous conversation with comeple strangers could have made the difference that it has

It feels ridiculous to see this written out in text, but I am scared of my neighbours knowing that I am here? so I make as little noise as I can and I do not turn on the t.v or the radio in case they hear. I sometimes read books

Hi @Morning7512

I'm just making my DS a cup of tea scrolling through your post and something just popped into my head,especially with regards to where your sitting right now too scared to move. Usually there's a root cause of behavior like this. Something in your past has put this fear into you,can you recall back to anything in your past or even childhood that's caused this?