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Original poster

In a very dark place.. Kind words?

60 replies

Morning7512 · 25/05/2020 14:34

Hi, this is my first time making a post, I feel embarrassed already. I don't know what I'm wanting from this, but I think at the moment I just need some kindness even if it is from strangers on the Internet.

I've been in a very dark place for some time now, and recently things have been really coming to a head. I have no support network, no friends or close family. I am extremely isolated but that is totally my own fault. I have been feeling increasingly suicidal. I have never felt this bad.

I have become almost scared of interacting with others so this post is a big step for me. But it also means that leaving the house or contacting my GP is not a possibility right now. Anytime somebody knocks my door I get a rush of fear and adrenaline and nearly throw up, I struggle to think straight and get dizzy and it takes me ages to stop shaking and breathe - never resulting in me answering the door of course..

There is a lot more to it than I have posted but I didn't want to do a long rambling thread. And someone knocked on my door over an hour ago and I'm still hiding, I haven't taken my eyes off the door (they left ages ago), and I am struggling to think straight or calm down.

I was wondering if anyone has been through anything similar and how they cope? Or how the hell I can go about getting over this. This was all happening before the current pandemic by the way, so it hasn't been triggered by that.

Thanks for anyone who has read this far

OP posts:
Honeybee85 · 26/05/2020 14:27

Hi OP

Depression is indeed a very dark place. Only those who have suffered from it will probably fully understand why depressed people call it a dark place. Please remember that there is hope.

I managed to get better with therapy and rest. Please remember you're not alone and there are always people willing to help you.
Don't be afraid to ask for it, don't feel ashamed. Thinking of you and sending strength and positive energy your way.
Please don't give up, your happiness is worth fighting for Flowers

Choice4567 · 26/05/2020 14:34

That’s fine OP, I completely understand that there is your logic behind everything you’re doing. I only suggested TV in case you could have it on for a little bit as a distraction. That sometimes helped me when I was trapped in my room and couldn’t leave.

Could you get headphones that link to the TV or radio?

Even a little bit of connection can be good even if it’s anonymous internet people.

I’m in a much better place than I used to be. But recently my anxiety has started to get worse again. I’ve got a very strong memory and when I get to the anniversary of anything, memories come back as if I’m really there and it makes me anxious.

Just letting you know that I’m Thinking of you. You not on your own even when you’re alone

Original poster
Morning7512 · 26/05/2020 15:45

@priya38 hi priya. when my counsellor said c-ptsd it was a lot to do with violence in childhood. I don't allow myself to even think about it at the mo but I think you have a point...

OP posts:
Original poster
Morning7512 · 26/05/2020 15:47

@Honeybee85 thank you for your lovely words honeybee

I am glad to hear that you were able too get better. Your words are very encouraging Flowers

OP posts:
Honeybee85 · 26/05/2020 15:48

Never lose hope OP.
You can get better, hold on to that!
It will give you courage.

Busymummy16 · 26/05/2020 15:50

So sorry for how you are feeling. I hope you can get help. Remember you can experience good times again. Wishing you lots of strength to get through this x

Original poster
Morning7512 · 26/05/2020 15:57

@Choice4567 sometimes if I am feeling very reckless brave, I will put in headphones and listen to music, it can be useful.

I'm sorry to hear that... Are you coming up to an anniversary? Memories can be horrible things sometimes, especially if there is a particular date that sticks in your mind it can make things feel almost like a constant cycle of going back there every time that date approaches

Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
Carrie7469 · 26/05/2020 16:06

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.
I used to keep my door locked permanently and I started physically shaking with fear if someone knocked on the door. My heart would be pounding and I'd hide (all the time worrying in case whoever was at the door heard movement). It was terrifying.
It took everything I had to phone the GP and make an appointment but I'm so glad I did. A combination of talking therapy and medication worked wonders and I feel so much better. There is hope. I hope you can find the strength to ask for help. Keep posting and remember that things can get better 🌺

Original poster
Morning7512 · 26/05/2020 16:12

@Carrie7469 it feels good to know I'm not the only one, sometimes it feels like I've gone mad. It feels ridiculous as a grown adult to be hiding and sneaking about the house!

How on earth did you go about telling them, and did you feel silly saying it out loud? How did they react? Thank you for your words

OP posts:
Choice4567 · 26/05/2020 16:34

It’s an anniversary of a friend dying. I hadn’t twigged the date until the anxiety surfaced and then I realised why

Try and listen to the radio with headphones if you can. BBC sounds app or something. Can just help you feel a bit connected to the outside world

Carrie7469 · 26/05/2020 19:11

Yes, I felt absolutely ridiculous telling them, but they were just lovely and very understanding. I rehearsed exactly what I was going to say and just reeled it off when I got to the doctor. I'm so glad I went.
I also used to hide behind the shed if my neighbour came into the garden so he couldn't see me!! I just felt like I needed to hide away. It's no way to live and logically I knew there was no reason for doing it, but I felt like I had to. I really hope you can manage to talk to your doctor about how you feel. Life can get better. Take care.

priya38 · 26/05/2020 20:31

You should try and do something small each day to try and push yourself though the fear.

For example if you leave curtains closed then one day open them.

priya38 · 26/05/2020 20:35

Another one could be that as you say you don't put your tv, start out by putting your tv on with no sound. Then push yourself a little further and have the tv on with the sound on slightly.

Just a little step forward each day.

Original poster
Morning7512 · 26/05/2020 23:10

@Carrie7469 you were very brave to do what you did! It reassures me that others have gone and said these things to their doctor

If I had a shed I would have hid behind it too Grin I completely get that you know there is no logic to it but it still has too be done.

Thank you for all your advice carrie and stay safe Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Morning7512 · 26/05/2020 23:17

@priya38 thank you for the ideas they are very helpful. This post in itself was a big step forward, but I'm not really doing anything in the real world, you are right that I should keep trying to push myself. Maybe tomorrow I could start thinking of little next steps. I can't remember the last time I turned my tv on or looked at the news, MN has been the height of any communications sad but true.

Thanks again priya

OP posts:
priya38 · 26/05/2020 23:36

@Morning7512 of course this thread was a big step forward. And we all on your thread congratulate you for making that giant leap and reaching out. But your stronger than you think you are and every little step forward will turn into a bigger improvement in the end.

Have a goal in your mind for tomorrow of what you are going to try and achieve. Just something small. And if you need a hand to hold whilst doing it and achieving it your thread is here, we are here. Remember your not alone, you have people who care.

priya38 · 26/05/2020 23:43

Don't watch the news it's depressing, I don't even watch the news. But tomorrow try and take another giant leap forward and turn the tv on and watch something that will lift your spirits. Something you are interested in.

Tomorrow turn your tv on. It's your life, it's your home. Remember your the one in control no one else.

Im going to bed now, by I'm hoping to see a post from you tomorrow saying you have made another step. You can do it. Stop living in fear, there's nothing to be fearful of.
It's really all in your head.

Before you go to sleep tonight think about your small goal for tomorrow, you wake up and you do it.

Goodnight @Morning7512

Original poster
Morning7512 · 26/05/2020 23:51

@priya38 what a kind and wonderful person you are, your messages are really touching. Yes maybe the news wouldn't be the best place to start - I am glad I do not have facebook or twitter etc as I am sure they can be equally depressing right now!

That was just the message I needed before bed. Thank you priya, goodnight

OP posts:
priya38 · 27/05/2020 00:06

@Morning7512

Make sure you update us tomorrow on what your small plans forward are for the day.
I/we look forward to hearing from you.

There's many people all around you who's in the same boat. You just don't realize it.

I can give you some recommendations of things to watch if need be. Depending on your interests.

Original poster
Morning7512 · 27/05/2020 13:56

How is your day going @priya38? It is certainly hard to imagine others in the same boat but it is a comfort at the same time. How are you finding lockdown with your DS?

Today is not going well, feels as if two days ago I took 1 step forward and have since taken 100 steps backwards Blush

OP posts:
priya38 · 27/05/2020 14:14

Hi @Morning7512

What's made you feel like you've now took 100 steps back today? Have you made any kind of goal for today? What are you doing?

DS is more of an introvert than an extrovert so he's not too bad. But he likes to have his routine and that's been messed up, so this alone has had a gradual domino effect impact.

RubaiyatOfAnyone · 27/05/2020 14:44

1 step forward is amazing when you’re wading through treacle. Dwell on the positive that you have done that!

It sounds (to totally unqualified me) like you are channelling the ptsd of your attack last year and a childhood of previous attacks into a totally understandable fear that it might happen again, that anyone coming to your door might attack and hurt you, or at least make you very afraid.

Can you try to consciously stop the loop of this assumption, by stopping and saying to yourself “most people are nice. Most people do not want to hurt anyone, let alone me. I don’t have to answer the door, but I also don’t have to fear.”? They were statistically likely to have been there to tell you a parcel had been misdelivered, or to ask you for money for charity, or to try to get you to read the watchtower. Those are all good reasons to not answer the door, but nobody should waste their lives in fear.

Unmumsnetty hugs for you, it’s a crappy bit of brain chemistry to live with.

Chickoletta · 27/05/2020 14:52

Hi @Morning7512. Just popping on to say hello and to say that I’m thinking about you. I was thinking that the Samaritans text service might be an idea for you - I know you didn’t find the emails that helpful but it might be worth a try.

Keep going - take an hour at a time.

Choice4567 · 27/05/2020 18:15

Hi @Morning7512! Just popping by to say hi and thinking of you today.

Keep your head up, keep your heart strong!

You can get through this

claret3189 · 27/05/2020 19:51

Hello just wanted to see how you are getting on