Mother’s paranoid psychosis

[Chester1980]

I’ve posted before about my Mother who can be very controlling and manipulative.

She was sectioned when I was a baby, and my Father told me years ago that she was diagnosed with a paranoid psychosis. This would be nearly 40 years ago.

She has had no medical intervention since. She has no insight. She’s clever in how she controls and manipulates. I found is so hard growing up that I went to a university the other side of the country to get away. I still live that far away, to keep some distance. I would love to move back to my home village with my young family, but being manipulated day to day really puts the fear in me.

Growing up she would be violent. She would scream and shout. My poor Father was broken down by it and just wants a quiet life. She cut him (and me) off from his family (who are lovely) just by making it so difficult to see them.

I had been bringing myself round saying it won’t be that bad if we move nearby. I want to be near my dad in his last years....but she controls everything. I send her photos of my toddler all the time, but sent some to my dads phone yesterday because he has WhatsApp and it’s free. She sent me a message saying I should send them to her...it was odd. Like a jealousy thing. When I called her out on it, she made out it was innocent and I’ve taken it the wrong way. That is her approach - say something, make a dig, be nasty...but say she doesn’t think like that and that you are taking it the wrong way if you say anything.

She obviously loves me and my toddler. She’s knitting him a teddy etc. She always says she loves me. But she can also be cruel. She treats my ill father as her slave and takes advantage of people all the time. She controls the money, his and here (she keeps it in her accounts).

I feel bad now. I want to cry and I can’t bare the control over our lives.

I guess I just wanted a space to get it out. I don’t like to actually talk to people close to me about it and I can’t afford therapy at the moment (I’ve had lots over the years - I have suffered from depression and an eating disorder in the past...and it always comes back to my mum).

I feel bad that I should be understanding with her, because it is a mental illness....but I just want to cut her off. If my dad passes away, she would be completely alone and that makes me feel so guilty. But I can’t be the one controlled for the rest of her life (she’s one of those people who will live forever!!).

I have schizoaffective disorder which includes paranoia & psychosis and I don't behave like your Mum. I'm nice to my friends & family & everyone else really!!

I would say that rather than it being her mental illness she's probably just not a very nice person.
It could be that the mental illness she was sectioned for was cured during her time as a hospital inpatient anyway? Does she still need to see a psychiatrist or take meds? If not it sounds like the doctors considered she was better when they discharged her.

Don't feel bad about reducing contact.
It doesn't sound as if she's actually 'ill' at present anyway from how you have described her. Just unpleasant & controlling.
Do you think she's using her past illness as an excuse to control you? It's a possibility.

Oh crikes, I hear you, it's so tough. But, the only person who can cut the control you feel she has is you. It is as simple (and as bloody painful and difficult) as that. You've seen this in your own recovery from mental illness. How to do it though...the ball is in your court there. No one else can tell you what you need because only you really know. I understand that counselling is expensive, but could you try other ways to access therapy, read books, listen to youtube videos, find ways to empower yourself and then perhaps gradually the hold will loosen. It just takes time, but you can do this.