So I've been battling an eating disorder since my early 20s. Had some very, very rough times but just about struggled through it without requiring inpatient treatment, though I never got quite back to 'normal' (if there is such a thing with food). Never been able to eat at parties, or really in front of anyone but my closest friends and family.
Now I'm back down that pit. I've put on quite a bit of weight over the past few years due to a poorly managed underactive thyroid. It didn't bother me until recently. Until all of a sudden, it really, really did. Now I can't bring myself to eat in front of anyone, including my husband. I keep telling myself that I'll eat in an hour, or two, but it never happens. I could go on like that for hours every night, both craving whatever meal I'm supposed to be eating, then having panic attacks at the thought of actually eating it. So I end up eating fuck all. Today I had a tiny slice of bread.
I should really be having counselling again, but it's not available currently, and I can feel myself unravelling.
I don't know if I'm looking for someone to say 'this too shall pass', or to offer coping mechanisms. Or both. My head is scrambled.