What would happen, realistically, if I admit that I just can’t cope anymore?

[AwkwardAsAllGetout]

Im at the point where life feels intolerable. It did before all this happened but now I just feel like I have no way out. I cant cope with my children, my one year old specifically. She’s only just one and has pretty much spent the whole of her life crying. She has CMPA and I’ve cut dairy out as I’m still breastfeeding, down to just at night now but she still wakes 4-5 times a night recently. She is never occupied for more than about 3 minutes during the day. In all honestly I don’t think I like her at all. I have 3 older dc who are being awful atm and I feel guilty because of all the time the baby takes up. Home schooling hasn’t even been attempted because I can’t put the baby down long enough. If I could give her away I would. Dh is doing all he can but he’s one of the lucky ones who still has a job to go to so it’s not like he can just suddenly decide to stay home. I spent last night awake again deciding how to kill myself. And in the light of day that terrifies me but I still feel like how I feel is valid. I should never have had her. Is there anyone I can call who’ll actually take her away? Health visitor has been useless all year, they just see that she’s not my first and assume I’m ok even though I’ve tried to make it clear that I’m not. I don’t think anyone actually understands just how awful she is.

Not giving advice, just to say you are not alone, have felt close to this on many occasions, it's not easy to admit antipathy to own kids, things are terrible in some ways at the moment. Actually I am going to give advice, ask for help, its a human right.

Please call and speak to your GP about last night and how you were deciding to kill yourself, it sounds as if you would benefit from some antidepressants or a change in dose if you are already on them. DRs are doing telephone consultations, if the receptionist says it’s only for urgent appointments tell her that planning your suicide is urgent.

You could contact social services to discuss fostering but I wouldn’t suggest your husband takes some urgent holiday leave so he is available to support you.

I hope things become easier soon

I'm so sorry that you feel so dreadful OP.

I would strongly advise stopping night feeds altogether. I know it's a tough thing to do but it will improve your mental health once you can get a better night's sleep. Waking 4-5 times a night is no good for either of you.

I would speak to your GP; not because I think you can't look after your children but because I believe that therapy and/or antidepressants might be a huge help to you.

I think you DO like your youngest. Your dedication to breastfeeding is surely an indication of that.

You are just at the end of your tether, that's totally understandable. My first bit of advice is to stop breastfeeding, you sound utterly exhausted. That will give you time to sleep more and I think that's a very important first step. I think you need to confide in your husband about how you feel. He may still have a job but that doesn't mean he can't take off some time to help you ifb you are feeling this desperate. Also, talk to GP, not social services. Your baby doesn't need to be taken away, you just need some help to get over this bump.

Another one saying stop breastfeeding and speak to your husband. It’s important he knows how you’re feeling.

You have post natal depression. This is exactly how I felt about my DD (who also had CMPA). Three months of Prozac absolutely transformed me.

Please speak to your husband and your GP about how you're feeling. Be really honest. There is help out there. I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's awful and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Also get your DH to take some holiday and stop night feeds. Your DD doesn't need them as much as you need the sleep at this point.

I think you need to stop night feeds and put yourself first for a bit.

I’ve been there. I have PTSD from doing the baby years alone whilst H worked away. I get it.

I pretty much had a total breakdown. It took that for anyone to look up and actually notice.

Is your husband supportive? Show him this post.

But you must MUST put yourself first for a bit. No more night feeds. Stop breastfeeding if you want to and start eating dairy again. Films and pizzas for tea for the older ones.

And beg for help. I don’t say ask for help; asking gets you nowhere. You need to stop, down tools, refuse to go on and BEG for help.

You sound utterly exhausted!
It also sounds like you respond very well to your baby needs. Feeding 5x a night and picking her up when she cries, means you are a good mum! And you recognize that it's not her to blame for her allergy.

Practical steps:

• contact your GP, tell them it's a mental health crisis. Ask if they have a perinatal mental health team.
• my CMPA child was also allergic to soy, once we cut that out crying improved greatly. Eliminate and re-introduce to see if symptoms reappear.
• if you physically can, put 1 year old on your back in the sling (if save to do so). Mummy cuddles but you've got your hands free. Game changer for us.
• stop breastfeeding. When you start to resent your child it's time to stop. We followed Jay Gordon's night weaning method. It works best if you co-sleep already + and if you are sure you want to stop. Start when OH has a few days off work to support you.

www.drjaygordon.com/blog-detail/sleep-changing-patterns-in-the-family-bed

My baby has CMPA. I switched to bottle feeding for my sanity. And started anti depressants. Stop breastfeeding. Please see your doctor urgently.
I agree with others that your dh should take some time off to be at home and support you, my dh had to. I needed him around.

With more night time sleep, anti depressants and my dh being aware and supportive I feel so so much better.

Put her down during the day as well. She is 1 and doesn't need to be carried all day. If she cries every so often it's ok. She'll soon figure out that she can't be lifted constantly.

CMPA is fucking brutal OP. I completely sympathise and have been at similar points myself several times. I think CMPA babies sleep poorly generally speaking. Could she be allergic to soya? That was a game changer for us. Have you looked into prescription formula? BF is hard enough without CMPA factored in. I agree with PPs- speak to your GP, you need help. Speak to DH, get some sleep when you can. Go to bed the second the kids do tonight. Let DH do a night wake with DD, if she's anything like mine she might have one or two where she hardly feeds anyway and it's just comfort? DH needs to do that one. Also agree with PP about getting a sling. Stick her in it and spend time with your other DC. Don't worry too much about the school work. Do the bare minimum and prioritise everyone's wellbeing, particularly your own.

Agree about the soy too. My baby's formula is dairy and soy free.

Speak yo your GP. Use the Samaritans or the Shout text service when you feel desperate - they will be there for you as long as you need them. Husband is going to have to help you to night wean and then get some sleep. Just get by with the older kids - nothing has to be perfect, if they end up watching a lot of TV or on screens, so be it.

Put baby on dairy free stuff and you go back to what you would normally eat.

Thank you all. I should say my dh has been nothing but supportive but he’s also exhausted by it all. Even if he takes her the minute he gets in, I can still hear her whinging. I sleep poorly anyway but it’s got to the point where I’m despairing even trying to get to sleep because by the time I’ve dropped off she’s awake again. The sling was a lifesaver for my other dc but it hasn’t been possible this time as I developed such as hip and back problems in pregnancy that I could even manage it when she was a newborn. That was a great sadness for me, as I know it would have helped everything, practically and emotionally. I tried her recently in the Ergo but I’m still not strong enough. Giving up breastfeeding just seems impossible tbh. It’s taken a real struggle to get her to stop in the daytime and it’s only recently I’ve managed to cut that out as she was on me all day. The consultant we’re seeing is pretty rubbish with allergies, she told us to try a soya milk even though that goes against everything I’ve read. I honestly don’t think I could cut out anything else, truth be told I don’t really want to keep having to cut out dairy either. Every time she has a really bad day I assume I’ve slipped up somehow and I’m fed up of blaming myself.

Hi AwkwardAsAllGetout,

We're really sorry that you're going through such a difficult time.

We can see you're getting some good support from other Mumsnetters here, but we thought we'd also add a link to our Mental Health resources as there are many organisations listed which could give you some more support in real life. The Samaritans are there for you too, by emailing [email protected] or calling 116 123, any time.

Several Mumsnetters have suggested that you may be experiencing postnatal depression, so we'd urge you to take a look at an organisation called PANDAS. Their webpage is here and they have a helpline available Monday to Sunday 9am - 8pm - 0808 1961 776.

We also wanted to share a link with Mind's information on how to cope as a parent with a mental health problem. It's an online booklet for anyone who is a parent living with a mental health problem, with suggestions on what you can do to help yourself and your children. It also explains what support is available and includes information for friends and family. Please do take a look.

And finally, here's a link to the NHS page on strategies to help parents.

Sending good wishes, OP. We really hope you're okay.

I'm not that far from where you are now OP and my heart is aching for you. I have a 9 month old with cmpa, which is managed with a dairy free diet for us both. But she's still incredibly hard work. She won't be left for more than a moment or two and is grumpy 24/7. Throw in lockdown, key worker husband, home schooling and it's a nightmare. I too wonder whether soya is an issue and am currently cutting it out. I feel like I am on my very last nerve and totally relate to where you are. I agree that you should talk to your GP if you feel able. And also your local IAPT (primary mental health) service, who should prioritise you for support as you have a baby. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.

I was an extended breastfeeder but I think you need some sleep and also, they can have other or even no milk after 1. Use the milk you want and that you think she will take. Can always put some vitamin drops in if you are worried about that aspect.

No Cry Sleep Solution and I think Dr Jay Gordon were the breastfeeder’s night weaning bibles in my day, as I recall.

Get DH to help you draw up the plan as it might be too much for you at the moment.

I’m so sorry. That sounds horrendous. If lockdown had happened a year earlier that could have been me, and even now I’m not coping well. Please ask for help, you are doing a very hard job and lockdown isn’t as important as your mental health.

How old are your other kids? Mine have a rota for playing with the youngest for 1/2 hour each day to give me a break. Or, could you put the baby in the buggy with a rain cover and get a neighbour or friend to take her for a long walk each day, even if she screams. I’m sure that would come under “essential care” and be low risk. You will come through this and you sound like you’re doing a fab job. Praying for you x

Op a couple of nights of her complaining about feeding will help you massively in the long run. You've done so well to cut out dairy this long! It's really hard to cut out. And everything that doesn't have dairy in it always seems to have soy and vice verse. It drove me crazy. My paediatrician said soy allergies are very common with dairy allergies.

DD is also allergic to dairy. She has been having Oatly oat milk which is well fortified with replacement vitamins & calcium to be a decent milk replacement. I have used that as her milk drink and then used fortified soya yoghurt as dessert (I agree with you that soya milk as a replacement drink isn't a good idea).

Thank you. I’ve called and am having a nurse practitioner call me back tomorrow morning. I’m not overly keen on her from the few times I’ve seen her about other things but I might see if dh can stay at home til she’s called to make sure I do tell her everything. I feel utterly despairing tbh. I know that logically it must be PND but to me this seems a perfectly logical way to feel given the circumstances. I’m not sure what good medication or talking will do when it won’t address the fact that my baby is so difficult and I simply don’t want to do it anymore

We'll done for taking the first step. It might be helpful to write a few sentences on a piece of paper that help you communicate when they ring you. Ask OH to help if you struggle with this.

Depression causes hopelessness. There will be better times, your daughter will learn to communicate using words, lockdown will be lifted.
The effects of sleep deprivation are horrendous, both physically and mentally. The night weaning method I suggested doesn't eliminate all feeding at night time. You essentially define a sleep window during which there (gradually) won't be any feeds. I stayed next to my toddler the whole time and we had lots of hugs. We still fed to sleep and had a sleepy morning feed, after we both slept for 6 hours! I was a better Mum when I was rested.

Can your OH take emergency dependants leave? It's not just for looking after kids.

Lastly, are you taking a multivitamin (especially Calcium and Vitamin D ) to make up for the loss of dairy in your diet? I was prescribed one by my GP. Low Vitamin D levels can make tiredness even worse.

This was my thread OP, posted when I was in the absolute trough of despair. If you read through the thread you'll see that other women have felt this way too, and see how things changed for me once I got professional help. At the time my feelings seemed completely logical to me too - I didn't want a baby any more and if it hadn't been for the stigma from friends and family I would absolutely have gone for adoption. Now when I look back that seems insane - and that's because it was, PND is a serious and debilitating mental illness that changes you entirely. But I got through it and I love my daughter more than anything. And you will too. I promise.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3217112-to-hate-being-a-mum

Having a baby that cries a lot is just horrific, my 3rd has issues and I have never forgotten how soul destroying it was (neither has DH).

I had a call back yesterday but it wasn’t really what I wanted to hear. I’ve had postnatal problems before, about 18 months after my dc2 was born I finally went to the doctor and got some tablets which really helped me, I had a long course of CBT too which I really benefited from. That was anxiety rather than depression though, I was diagnosed with OCD too, because I had obsessive thoughts. This feels different, very much depression rather than anxiety. I’ve been told I can’t take any medication because I’m breastfeeding, despite admitting that I’d been feeling suicidal. She’s going to call me back on Friday after she’s spoken to a psychiatrist to see what they can prescribe me, if anything. That worries me as it took a while last take to find the right medicine, the ones that didn’t help actively made me worse, the right one was life changing. The nurse asked why I was still feeding, and wether dd really needed feeding at night. So easy to say. I’ve been trying to get someone to help me stop since dd was about 6 months old and I was getting overwhelmed, but I haven’t been given any proper guidance about what I can give her instead. She’s been a terrible bottle refuser and I struggle to get her to drink any liquids at all.