What would happen, realistically, if I admit that I just can’t cope anymore?

[AwkwardAsAllGetout]

Im at the point where life feels intolerable. It did before all this happened but now I just feel like I have no way out. I cant cope with my children, my one year old specifically. She’s only just one and has pretty much spent the whole of her life crying. She has CMPA and I’ve cut dairy out as I’m still breastfeeding, down to just at night now but she still wakes 4-5 times a night recently. She is never occupied for more than about 3 minutes during the day. In all honestly I don’t think I like her at all. I have 3 older dc who are being awful atm and I feel guilty because of all the time the baby takes up. Home schooling hasn’t even been attempted because I can’t put the baby down long enough. If I could give her away I would. Dh is doing all he can but he’s one of the lucky ones who still has a job to go to so it’s not like he can just suddenly decide to stay home. I spent last night awake again deciding how to kill myself. And in the light of day that terrifies me but I still feel like how I feel is valid. I should never have had her. Is there anyone I can call who’ll actually take her away? Health visitor has been useless all year, they just see that she’s not my first and assume I’m ok even though I’ve tried to make it clear that I’m not. I don’t think anyone actually understands just how awful she is.

I'm glad you had the call though it sounds like it was also frustrating. While you wait for an answer about medication, can you self-refer back to the service you had CBT with previously? CBT is equally useful for depression; it's just a different focus and approach. Apologies if you've said already, but have you asked La Leche League for any support with the breastfeeding? Or your health visitor? If you feel ready to stop it would be good to get support with that. Thinking of you. Each day you get through is a day closer to this phase passing.

Thank you. The problem is I lived at the other end of the country before. Provision where I am now is very slim. My health visitor doesn’t seem at all clued up on breastfeeding a baby and was adamant that an allergy was hugely unlikely, even given all of dds symptoms. Likewise, the nearest LLL is about 30-40 miles away. There’s no NCT here and all of my friends are past the baby stage so it’s been very lonely.

I'm sorry to hear that the call wasn't what you needed. The breastfeeding network have a list of anti depressants that can be used safely when feeding.

I was going to suggest LLL as well. They are doing video meetings in my area, mine have a relatively active Facebook group that they use. So your location wouldn't matter too much. Can you phone the national helpline and ask for some specific advice? They might not advise on CMPA , however they can probably help with stopping.
It could be that she doesn't drink much because she knows that she can feed later. I might get slated by the MN quinoa brigade, but we gave my DC chocolate milk, it ticked the fluids and fortified box . he loved it! I would push for a referral to a dietitian so you could investigate soya intolerance with them.

I found weaning my CMPA child really hard. It felt like he was suffering so much, and needed the comfort - and he was very vocal about needing me! And I felt like I was taking that one thing away from him. In the end we saw weaning not as an end to something, but as a natural progression. Our relationship evolved into something new (and better and closer)! You are not abandoning her, you will still be there for her.

I thought of you today OP and wondered how you're getting on?

Thank you x I felt so down last week and I don’t feel that way at the moment thank goodness, but I know I will again as this has now happened several times over the last year, crushing lows followed by something close to normal. The nurse called back on Friday to say I’d been referred to the mental health team which was good as she said they weren’t taking in referrals at the minute which surely can’t be right? I’m just waiting to hear from them. The weekend was bad, I felt very very down, dd just seems miserable around me but fine with everyone else. Not fine, but not whingy. I assume it’s to do with milk. I fired off a desperate email to the hospital at the weekend, Saying I still think somethings wrong with her and that it was beginning to affect my mental health, and they called on Monday offering us an appointment tomorrow with the gastric clinic. Only one of us can go with her so I’ve asked dh to take her. I have terrible form for not standing my ground in medical appointments so I’m hopeful they’ll take him a bit more seriously. Giving up breastfeeding is going to be key I think but at the moment that’s going to be so hard as I can’t put any physical distance between us. I’m sleeping pretty poorly and getting into bed and overthinking basically my whole life which I know is a sign I’m not mentally great, I’ve been dwelling on every bad decision I’ve made in the last 20 years! Thank you for thinking of me. Hopefully there’ll be positive news tomorrow

OK firstly there are definitely antidepressants which can be prescribed if breastfeeding! Several of them, the research is very good as many women present with PND with younger babies than you. However it might be that you want to see if you can avoid anything that can cause drowsiness as this would not be ideal for cosleeping, especially if you decide to continue cosleeping but stop feeding.

I agree to look at the soya, that was an issue for my friend's baby and she had a terrible time, however her little girl is now 4 and they have a much better relationship.

Good luck, I wish I had more useful advice to offer.

It's really good that there are some better days mixed in with the bad, a bit of a breather at least. I think you're absolutely right to separate out the two problems and to follow up on your concerns about your baby's health while also doing what you need for yourself. I know how hard it is when baby whinges more when they're with you than with others. It's so so wearing. I think it's a sign of a strong maternal bond, baby expressing that something is troubling her. If only it were possible to understand what. Great news of an appointment for her so quickly. I hope it brings answers, or sets you on the right path at least. And meantime I hope you can rest and go easy on yourself. The solution to your current troubles can't be found in the past and to churn over old ground will only bring you pain. Maybe try some breathing/relaxation exercises to help you rest? There are brighter, easier, happier days ahead. Hang in there.

Thank you Bertie, we’re not cosleeping, we did for a long time but managed to get her into her cot several months ago, which has been a real step forward. She still comes in for feeds at night, but goes straight back to her cot afterwards.
I do think soya is going to be something we have to look at, it just feels overwhelming when so much of what I’ve had to substitute already contains soya. I don’t really want to start seeing food as allowed and not allowed as I’ve got food issues in my past, not rearing their head at the moment (yet) but that ramped up to quite serious levels after I had my son and the anxiety issues that followed. I don’t want to go to that place again.

OP- things might feel shit now but you will get through this.

The relentless crying, feeling overwhelmed and depressed and chronic lack of sleep means you have to take some breaks to stay alive and still be a mum to all if your children.

Someone upthread suggested your DH take some leave. Can this be done?

Re the allergy. Its possible that your baby is allergic to one other or a number of foods, but you can’t hope to calculate what they are unless you get some respite.

Very best of luck - you can do this!