Im at the point where life feels intolerable. It did before all this happened but now I just feel like I have no way out. I cant cope with my children, my one year old specifically. She’s only just one and has pretty much spent the whole of her life crying. She has CMPA and I’ve cut dairy out as I’m still breastfeeding, down to just at night now but she still wakes 4-5 times a night recently. She is never occupied for more than about 3 minutes during the day. In all honestly I don’t think I like her at all. I have 3 older dc who are being awful atm and I feel guilty because of all the time the baby takes up. Home schooling hasn’t even been attempted because I can’t put the baby down long enough. If I could give her away I would. Dh is doing all he can but he’s one of the lucky ones who still has a job to go to so it’s not like he can just suddenly decide to stay home. I spent last night awake again deciding how to kill myself. And in the light of day that terrifies me but I still feel like how I feel is valid. I should never have had her. Is there anyone I can call who’ll actually take her away? Health visitor has been useless all year, they just see that she’s not my first and assume I’m ok even though I’ve tried to make it clear that I’m not. I don’t think anyone actually understands just how awful she is.