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Mental health

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Original poster

Contemplating suicide due to financial impact of CV

66 replies

imabusybee · 26/03/2020 21:56

Not sure how to name change but what the hell. I run my own business. The last 18 months have been very tricky but I managed to figure things out in jan and feb this year so the business would sort itself out in a few month's. And then this virus happened. The business is now closed for however long it will be until the government guidance changes. My staff have their wages covered (80% at least) and I've applied for a business interruption loan but I dont fancy our chances due to the bad 18 months prior. I can't see how I can keep everything ticking over - the standing orders/direct debits amount to £2k/month alone.
I have a life insurance policy worth £200k, the suicide exclusion is only for the first 12 months so from the 23rd of this month they will pay out if I take my own life. I have another joint policy with my husband that may also pay out £150k, but I can't remember exactly and what the terms are.
This money would pay all the business debts (which are in mine and my husband's personal names) and most if not all of the mortgage. I dont want to leave my children but this way they would be set up for life and my husband wouldn't have to worry about the bills or the mortgage.

I have chronic severe depression. I'm on 150 sertraline, on waiting list for IPT, most days I manage, some days I don't. I really see this as a way out and a choice I can make to improve the lives of my family.

OP posts:

Pickles89 · 26/03/2020 21:58

Take it from me, your children would rather live in a cardboard box under a bridge with you, than in a mansion without.

VisionQuest · 26/03/2020 22:00

Please don't do this. This is such a sad post. I agree with the above poster, your children would be utterly devastated.

TheWashingMachine · 26/03/2020 22:00

Get help OP. In the grander scheme there are people who love you.

ChateauMargaux · 26/03/2020 22:01

Believe me... this choice will not improve the lives of your family.

Please stay.

cakeandchampagne · 26/03/2020 22:02

You are so important to your children.
They would never get over losing you.
Please let your doctor know you’re having such a rough time.

SciFiScream · 26/03/2020 22:03

As someone whose Mum died (due to a tragic accident) when I was 8. Please don't. I am forever damaged by this loss. They love you. They LOVE you. They need you.

Daisiest · 26/03/2020 22:03

You're more important to anyone in your DCs world, please talk to someone in RL about how you're feeling.

ChateauMargaux · 26/03/2020 22:06

You are also important!! In your own right... You.. All of you. As you are...

TheDogsMother · 26/03/2020 22:06

OP. You sound like you have such a lot of pressure, please stay with us. Would a conversation with Samaritans be an idea ?

QuillBill · 26/03/2020 22:07

They wouldn’t be set up for life though would they! They are more like to be screwed up for life.

To me you sound like a competent and capable person who is doing a good job in a difficult situation. You’ve set up and are running a business and one that employs other people to boot! And you have applied for a business interruption loan.

This is an unprecedented situation. There is no reason to expect that you would just be able to deal with it.m

Countrygirl38 · 26/03/2020 22:07

OP I really feel for you. Go to your Doctor or ring the Crisis team. Suicide doesn't improve anything ever. Your family would be heart broken for life. Your children want and need you. Like the poster says above your children would rather be penniless and have you than not.

TheGinGenie · 26/03/2020 22:10

My DP's dad killed himself. He's been broke all his life but he doesn't care about money. He'd love to have his dad back though. Please talk to someone about this. Your life is valuable and you never know what the future could bring

thisusernameismine · 26/03/2020 22:11

Suicide is a very permanent 'solution' to a temporary problem. Please ride this out, lots of us in the same boat and we can get through it. Focus on your kids. They love you so much ❤️

MelbaToast · 26/03/2020 22:13

Don't do it. It would devastate your kids and your husband so much more than you could imagine. I'm sure they all love you very much and need you.

raffaroo · 26/03/2020 22:13

Please get help, your children would miss you so much.

Fandoozle1 · 26/03/2020 22:14

OP, your children need you, please don't take a step like this. I speak as someone who tried it once, I would have left my daughter (then a baby) with no idea of who her mother was. Looking back now its frightening that I was so close to it.
Please contact your GP to discuss your mental health and the samaritans or a debt advisory service/charity. Please, please your life is worth so much!

Barbararara · 26/03/2020 22:14

Money can never replace you. Your children need you.

Depression is such a bastard because it gets inside your head like a perverse little demon and tells you these awful lies that sound so logical and loving.

I’ve been in this spot (different circumstances) where taking my own life seemed like the most loving and responsible thing I could do for my precious family.

I shudder when I think how close I came to destroying their lives. But it was so logical and compelling. And because it felt like my own thoughts, it was so hard to recognise that it was a huge lie.

Please hang on OP.

Anotherthink · 26/03/2020 22:14

This wouldn't set them up for life at all op. Everything is incredibly hard for you now but don't try to justify it with this being what's best for them. It really isn't and you are only telling yourself that to give you permission.

oldstripeyNEWname1 · 26/03/2020 22:15

I have been where you are, thinking my death in service payment and pension would be the greatest gift I could give my family, when I was convinced my longstanding mental health problems would only cause them more pain.

It seems such a tidy solution, doesn't it?

Please don't. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And however horrific things seem at the moment, the problems are temporary. Long term, yes, but temporary. If you take you own life, there's no coming back from that. Your children live with your permanent absence, and the reasons for your decision. Although we'll meaning, those reasons are not enough. They need you, not your money. Things and property can be replaced. People and relationships cannot.

I was lucky to be able to tell my family what I intended to do, and why, and to hear from them what they really wanted from me. Trust me, your family and friends with find it devastating to know you are considering ending your life.

Please talk to someone in rl, in your close circle, right now. Tell them how you are feeling, that you are considering suicide and feel at risk.

You can do this. It can and will get better. Bringing the fears out into the open helps manage them.

DroppedBoxxedRuth · 26/03/2020 22:15

A good friend of mine lost her DM when she was 13 and the devastation was (understandably) immense.

Please don't think this is best for your DC. Having you is what they need.

BrokenBrit · 26/03/2020 22:17

Your children and husband would rather you than any amount of money.
Can you speak to your DH about how you are feeling? Or call the Samaritans?
We are all here in an unprecedented situation, life is changing for everyone and you are not alone. Things will turn around. Your children need you to be with them through this.

Chosennone · 26/03/2020 22:17

Ring the Samaritans asap. Talk to anyone you trust.
Please don't leave your DC in that way.
So many people are going to be in this boat and you are not alone xx

MondeoFan · 26/03/2020 22:18

Phone crisis op do it now, please don't think this way

WorriedMummyNow · 26/03/2020 22:19

I totally agree with everyone else. This would not set your family up for life, it would break them for life.

The chancellor also specifically said that they have been working with the bank of England to get around issues with businesses potentially having bad credit and said it didn't make them less investible and they would work to make sure that businesses that had these kids of issues would still receive the help they need and deserve. You will be fine. Do reach out to charities or whatever organisations who help struggling businesses in your area to help you through this minefield. It will be fine though. Once things get back to as normal as possible people really will be out there and spending and supporting independent businesses as much as they can so use this time to work on marketing and getting your name out there.

Sending big virtual hugs!!!

MNHQ

RivkaMumsnet · 26/03/2020 22:21

Hello OP, we're so sorry to hear you are feeling this way - it sounds like things are really difficult at the moment.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

Wishing you all the best OP and hope you can access the support you need.

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