Contemplating suicide due to financial impact of CV

[imabusybee]

Not sure how to name change but what the hell. I run my own business. The last 18 months have been very tricky but I managed to figure things out in jan and feb this year so the business would sort itself out in a few month's. And then this virus happened. The business is now closed for however long it will be until the government guidance changes. My staff have their wages covered (80% at least) and I've applied for a business interruption loan but I dont fancy our chances due to the bad 18 months prior. I can't see how I can keep everything ticking over - the standing orders/direct debits amount to £2k/month alone.
I have a life insurance policy worth £200k, the suicide exclusion is only for the first 12 months so from the 23rd of this month they will pay out if I take my own life. I have another joint policy with my husband that may also pay out £150k, but I can't remember exactly and what the terms are.
This money would pay all the business debts (which are in mine and my husband's personal names) and most if not all of the mortgage. I dont want to leave my children but this way they would be set up for life and my husband wouldn't have to worry about the bills or the mortgage.

I have chronic severe depression. I'm on 150 sertraline, on waiting list for IPT, most days I manage, some days I don't. I really see this as a way out and a choice I can make to improve the lives of my family.

OP I have been where you are more often than not these past 5 years since the birth of my disabled child which has taken its toll on me. The amount of times I've thought it would be better for my other kids and husband if I jumped off a bridge with my son or stood in front of a train.then somewhere through this all my other kids tell me like I'm sure yours do,that mummy I love you so much,I need you mummy,you're beautiful mummy.youre the best mummy.and I know I could never do it to them ,I imagine their pain and that hurts my heart like a searing blade. Even though we feel like this feel so desperate, to them we are their everything.Especially a Mum.you are so loved by them, dont be so hard and horrible to your kind lovely self,ride this storm my friend,you'll always have your kids and husband and their love to help you.much love

Please don't

OP in the morning please call your GP. There’s isn’t a GP alive who would rather you didn’t call because of work load. GPS do what they do because they want to be there for people in your situation. Call the surgery and let them direct you as to how they will manage the call. Good luck but please do take care of yourself x

Please don't OP.
If you read biographies of some very successful business people, you will read that many went bankrupt at some point, but came back. Some did it multiple times. I know a successful hotelier who only made money on his 7th venture.
So many people are stressed about money right now. It sounds like you did an amazing job to turn your business around in the last couple of months whilst having 2 toddlers! I couldn't do that. I think you have a lot to offer and this is just one hurdle (challenging but temporary) that you will get over.
You have built a life with a family who love you. Hang on to that. Please reach out and get help 💐

Worse case scenario your business would fail, what’s the worst that could happen? You still have a loving family and in this country we’re all guaranteed to have a roof over our heads. We have a welfare state, for those in time of need.
Family and loved ones is all that really matters in the end. Everything else in secondary.
Life is too short as it is.

Have you looked at moneysavingexpert? Lots of advice on there and real life stories in the forums of people who have faced (and come through) similar crises.

Dear Busybee, please ring your GP as soon as possible and don't worry for one second that you are wasting their time. You have a medical emergency, it just can't be seen in physical terms but they will understand that and be able to offer you help.
I read an article in the New Yorker ages ago about a man that survived an attempted suicide jump from the Golden gate bridge and this one phrase has always stayed with me and I hope it helps you:

“I instantly realized that everything in my life that I’d thought was unfixable was totally fixable—except for having just jumped"

I hope you manage to get some rest tonight but if you're up in the early hours and worrying I'm sure there will be lots of us here to keep you company xx

Please assume the insurer won't pay out. They arent a charity, and will do everything in their power to not pay out.

You WILL get through this. Your children love you and they need you.

Speak to your GP, to the crisis team.

It’s not the answer - you can’t be replaced. Worse than that if you died it makes your children more likely to do the same. It’s a dreadful illness that is hard to shake - but you can. Be brave, know your worth and awful as it can be money and security is so much less than you. You bring a peace that money can’t for your family - take care.

We hope you're feeling a little less awful this morning, OP. We're so pleased to see you've had lots of really good support here and we just wanted to reiterate what others have said. Definitely call your GP or one of the numbers on the list we posted. You deserve and are entitled to help so please do demand it. We hope your little boy had a good birthday and have everything crossed that things pick up for your business, but all your children really need is you. You're doing a great job just by being here.

Op. I suffer from depression and often have suicidal thoughts.

The thing that helps me, in a twisted way, is imaging someone sitting my children down and telling them I'm gone. Their reactions. Picturing them at my funeral. Their tears etc..

I know that sounds a bit sick but it pulls me back. I know I could never put them through that.

However hard it gets for me it would never compare to what my kids would suffer if I took that step.

I have no practical advice but I'm sending unmumsnetty love.

No, OP, because if you kill yourself you increase the likelihood that one day your children will think it a valid choice for themselves.

Have you ever read When Hitler Stole Pink Rabbit? by Judith Kerr? It's a thinly disguised autobiographical account of her childhood as a German Jewish refugee. Her family went from affluence to penury, seeking refuge in Switzerland, France and England and never knowing where their next penny was coming from. At one point her parents considered sending their children to stay with relations.

In the book Anna (the Judith Kerr character) said: "It's just that I think we should stay together. I don't really mind where or how. I don't mind things being difficult, like not having any money...just as long as we're all four together.

"I've never minded being a refugee before. In fact I've loved it. I think the last two years, when we've been refugees, have been much better than if we'd stayed in Germany. But if you send us away now I'm so terribly frightened. I'm so terribly frightened...that I might really feel like one."

You mean more to your children than any amount of money. They need you OP. Please stay.

How are you OP?

Don't kill yourself OP. Remember when your kids were little and wouldn't sleep or would only eat pink foods and you told yourself it was only a phase and buggered on and made it through? This is a phase. It will get better. Maybe not soon but one day. Please consider ringing your GP or Samaritans

Happy birthday to your little one, I hope you find some joy in your day with him.

To put it bluntly, dealing with a suicide is going to put far, far more pressure on the NHS, police, coroner's office and so on than dealing with the mental health of an alive but struggling human.

Can you tell your husband how you're feeling?

Op, the restrictions will likely gently lift in the next month, life will get back to normal. I know it’s hard, but suicide is something your children will never get over, being skint they will.