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Poor mental health, I’m frightened.

31 replies

Buzzfrightyears · 21/03/2020 15:17

I have posted this here for traffic.
Following my second child’s birth last year I started obsessing that I was dying. It got so bad I went to the GP and she diagnosed health anxiety. August 19-Feb 20 I had cognitive behavioural therapy for health anxiety and generalised anxiety disorder.
few weeks after this stopped the Coronavirus pandemic started. My nerves are shot. I am obsessing about hand washing and door handles and panicking about food and my mother who is diabetic and my children. I work in the nhs and am barely functioning at work. I have to send my children to school/nursery which isn’t sitting right with me. I am snapping and shouting at everyone. I keep randomly crying, I am obsessed with the news and I am basically in a mess. My husband and mother both noticed so I called the GP yesterday who prescribed fluoxetine. I have them. But I’m scared to take them. I read they can sometimes cause suicidal thoughts and self harm ideas. I’m terrified. My GP didn’t spend long in the phone with me and I would’ve asked about this if I’d known. I am genuinely so down, so fragile so please be kind in your replies. I honestly feel I’m cracking up and a useless mom to my two children. I’m loathe to go off work because as I mentioned I’m nhs! I can’t exactly stay off during this chaos! there are too many thoughts in my head and I’ve nowhere for them to go Sad

OP posts:
Buzzfrightyears · 21/03/2020 15:28

@mumsnethq maybe I should’ve posted this in health? Please could y you move it for me?

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Buzzfrightyears · 21/03/2020 15:34

Unsure if that tag worked, @MumsnetHQ

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wonkytonkwoman · 21/03/2020 15:35

I've reported it to MN for you OP.

I've been on Fluoxetine before (3 times) and it's never had that effect although my GP always told me it might before she gave me the px.
You're not a crap parent. You're afraid. And if you need to take time off whilst the tablets take effect do that.

Buzzfrightyears · 21/03/2020 15:38

Thank you! I am worried about making myself feel worse. And I think there’s a stigma attached to antidepressants which I can’t stop thinking about, too. I just feel a mess, like I’m falling apart. I struggle day to day with cancer, sepsis etc. This pandemic stuff is tipping me over the edge. I can’t get away from it, it’s everywhere, even at work I’m surrounded by it. I don’t know what to do for the best, I’ve massive guilt at sending my kids in. I’m so so scared I’ll be one of the ones who get pneumonia and dies. Who would look after my children then? Their last memories of me would me being a horrible, shouty mom or a mom who cries all the time. I just can’t stop crying too, I have an hour break and then it starts again. I just wish I could take something to make it all disappear! I have never ever been suicidal, dying is what I’m terrified of, and I’m so scared the tablets will make me feel worse.

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KimMumsnet · 21/03/2020 16:03

Hi, OP. We'll move this to the Mental Health topic for you now, and hope you find some support there. All the best.
Flowers

Buzzfrightyears · 21/03/2020 17:41

Thank you

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Buzzfrightyears · 22/03/2020 07:55

I took my first fluoxetine more out of desperation than anything. I slept last night, but don’t feel any better yet Sad

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Buzzfrightyears · 22/03/2020 09:07

I’m really struggling today. I’ve no idea how I’m going to drive to work in the morning. I can’t stop crying, my heart is racing and I feel sick to my stomach.

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Yodabrussel · 22/03/2020 10:12

OP you are absolutely doing the right thing by taking the pills. They will start to work soon, although you might feel a bit worse to begin with. But soon you'll feel calmer, I promise. A bit of respite from what's going on in your head is on its way. Keep breathing in the meantime 💐

Buzzfrightyears · 22/03/2020 10:43

Thanks so much for replying Flowers I really appreciate it

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Samcarpy92 · 22/03/2020 12:00

Sounds like you have OCD more than general anxiety. I suffer from OCD and the worst thing is googling for momentary relief only to repeat the process over and over again. Break the cycle by not looking. It will make you feel better in the long run.

Buzzfrightyears · 22/03/2020 12:37

I was told I have ocd type tendencies too. Particularly intrusive thoughts. Having the phone and internet access makes it easy to google. I’ve just read there are 3 doctors all on ventilators aged 30. I am terrified. Literally I feel frozen with fear.

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tiredanddangerous · 22/03/2020 12:57

You need to stay away from the internet and social media op; it isn’t helping you.

Buzzfrightyears · 22/03/2020 13:01

No, it’s sending me crazy, but it’s a compulsion I have. I’m worried if I’m not forearmed with info, I’m not forewarned, I’ll catch it and I’ll die, and it’ll be all my fault, and who will look after my children then? I can’t put into words how scared I am. I feel like I’m losing my mind, I’m worried how my head doesn’t feel like it’s mine anymore. I know I’m frustrating people - I’m frustrating myself! But I feel so lost

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PersonaNonGarter · 22/03/2020 13:03

OP - you have said you are watching the news. Stop doing this.

If you are following the advice to social distance and stay at home then you are doing all that you need to do.

Buzzfrightyears · 22/03/2020 13:05

I can’t stay at home - I work in the nhs (not front line) - I’m having to go into work.

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Eleanorrrelephant · 22/03/2020 13:06

OP I am in exactly the same position as you. NHS worker with health anxiety.
You must and I truly cannot stress this enough, avoid the media, MN, news etc. I have the same compulsions as you and it was so hard to block all the websites from my phone and step away from certain threads on MN but you are in control. You feel out of control but you’re not, you can choose what you do with your scary thoughts
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, health anxiety is horrendous, I totally sympathise.
Have you spoken to anyone at work about your feelings?

Nicecupofcoco · 22/03/2020 13:06

Hi op, I feel very similar although I don't work for NHS. Health anxiety is awful! Good on you for taking the tablets, that's the first step. I imagine alot of health care workers are feeling frightened! It's a very scary time. But I know how crippling health anxiety can be.... Not being able to get rid of intrusive thoughts. Did you make any notes during your cbt that you can look back on? Also, I find I feel better when I switch the news off and don't check my phone all the time! I know this is harder for you with working in the NHS... I imagine it's top topic at work. But try and let yourself have down time when your at home, perhaps try to check the news only once a day...instead of everytime its on. Good luck to you op. If you start getting suicidal thoughts whilst on your tablets you can phone back your gp. You can get through this!

SuckingDieselFella · 22/03/2020 13:11

Stop watching the news and come off mumsnet.

Scaremongering is not what you need at the moment.

Buzzfrightyears · 22/03/2020 13:12

Thanks both. I have looked at the things I wrote during my therapy but a lot of it doesn’t seem to apply now this pandemic is happening. I can’t stop thinking what my children will do if anything happens to me. Rationally I know the chances are small - quite small at least - but this seems to be changing every day. I feel horrendous guilt that I could die as a result of work, which I don’t even like/enjoy anymore, for the sake of money and the nhs. I feel bad that I’m not on top form for work. I feel bad that I’m crying constantly, like I’m a terrible mom/wife/daughter. I can’t stop the thoughts in my head - it’s like I have nowhere for it all to go. I have never ever felt this bad in my life, even pre cbt. It’s scary - mental health is the worst thing. I have spoken to my manager and he is very sympathetic.

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BillysMyBunny · 22/03/2020 13:25

It sounds like you need to ask your GP to sign you off, at least for a few weeks. I have been really struggling with my mental health too and have been signed off work. I feel guilty as I am a key worker (teacher) and I don’t have children/ vulnerable relatives I am in frequent contact with so I feel I should be there doing my bit, but truth is I have been too stressed and anxious to be able to do my job well. Anxiety is so exhausting and all consuming so you have to put your own health above anyone else’s. It’s like the saying that there’s no point jumping into the water to help somebody who’s drowning if you can’t swim yourself so it doesn’t sound like you should be at work right now.

Also I too have just started SSRIs (sertraline) and the side effects can increase anxiety in the first couple of weeks but then should reduce. Maybe just take a couple of weeks off work to let the medication get into your system and then re-evaluate whether your anxiety is better and you can go back to work or not.

Talk to your GP tomorrow, ask to be signed off work, and I hope you start to feel better and the anxiety subsides soon Flowers

user1353245678533567 · 22/03/2020 13:27

There was a short video on the BBC website I saw yesterday with some suggestions on how people with OCD might cope with this. I'll have a look in a minute to see if I can link it for you.

I have been on fluoxetine in the past. I was already suicidal when I was prescribed it and I am still here. It didn't make me worse. In the unlikely event you did have that side effect you would have time to seek support - you won't suddenly and instantly "lose your mind" if that's what's worrying you. You would be in control and able to ask for help.

It's good you managed to start taking it. You won't instantly feel better but if you can just keep getting through one hour at a time for now, it will gradually start to help. I know it's hard to do and really hard to do all the time, but as much as you can try and just bring yourself back into the present moment and the things you're trying to do right now. Not your fears about what's going to happen.

When you do get those periods in between crying, be kind to yourself, take care of yourself, just breathe if that's all you can do. Allow yourself to rest when you can because this much distress really takes its toll on your body as well as your mind and you need to rest. Even if you can't sleep, lying down helps a little.

Some people find it helpful when they find themselves freezing up to make themselves move around, clap their hands, jump up and down, or rub their arms to ground themselves. If you can't unfreeze yourself (or moving makes you more frightened) then just focus on your breathing and being gentle.

I'm not someone who can unfreeze herself - once my brain has decided there is a threat and I need to freeze that's that. So instead I just try to bring my breathing under control, whisper to myself "you're safe", remind myself where I am and try to focus on what's going on around me - how the floor feels under my feet, the sound of birds singing or the washing machine, the colour and texture of my jeans. Gradually reconnecting with the present moment, rather than fears about what's going to happen in the future.

Do you have distractions and soothing activities that help you?

You're putting so much pressure on yourself and that will most likely make you feel worse. You're doing the absolute best you can in very tough circumstances and you deserve to give yourself credit for that.

I don't feel frustrated by you or what you're posting. I know that just because I post something wanting to help, doesn't mean it will be helpful to you or something you can act on or notice a difference from right away. Please don't beat yourself up for not being able to instantly magic away all your distress and struggles - nobody would be able to do that.

I wish I could do something more to help when you sound like you're suffering so much. Flowers

user1353245678533567 · 22/03/2020 13:30

This is the video:

www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/health-51909368/coronavirus-how-to-manage-anxiety-and-ocd-during-the-pandemic

If it's triggering then stop watching it. I'm not going to be upset that you couldn't watch it or didn't find it helpful.

GoodStuffAnnie · 22/03/2020 13:33

Hi op

I have recently felt like you. I really really sympathise.

This is my advice...

Is there anything that gives you relief? For me it was sex and kicking a ball outside. If you have just one thing do it as much as possible.

This will end. The most terrifying thing when you have anxiety is the feeling that this is forever. Hold this thought close to you. You will not always feel like this and the world will not always be like this.

Try to relax your brain. Be very proactive about forcing yourself to ground your brain. Even if is does not feel like it’s working it will do. Go for a walk and say everything you can see. Do the five things you can see; four things you can hear etc watch friends etc. You just start avoiding the news. It will not help.

GoodStuffAnnie · 22/03/2020 13:33

Try this

www.healthline.com/health/pressure-points-for-anxiety#heavenly-gate