OCD/autism and not coping at all

[imterrified]

I’m not coping at all tonight . I’ve got OCD - contamination obsessions specifically - agoraphobia and suspected autism and I’m totally losing it . Have been given Valium to try and settle and it’s not touching the sides .

I’m finding myself obsessively cleaning and imagining ‘germs’ everywhere . I’m scared to even open the windows in case it’s in the wind .

I’ve washed my hands 40/60 times this evening, in boiling water when I can, have used an entire hand sanitiser , and I’m washing them after I open a cupboard, when I want a drink, use the tv remote. Even found myself spraying my drink earlier in case someone had coughed on it in the shop . Tesco man came to the door with food and my God it was all I could do to not ask him to drop the food and run away . And then I thought I should maybe be disinfecting all the food . And the carpet where the Tesco box was . I haven’t - so now the fridge, cupboards and their entire contents are contaminated too . Have done all the door handles twice . It’s getting bigger and bigger in my head .

I’m scared to even scratch my eyes as who knows what germs are on my hands? Should I wash them every time I want to move my hair, or rub my eyes, I don’t know ?

Half of me is considering writing down every time I have social contact, for how long and why but that seems ludicrous . (Like the rest isnt ... )

Coughed tonight a few times too - because I’m obsessively ‘checking’ if I need to cough - and I’m panicking that this is it, I’ve got the virus and I’m going to die . I’ve got cough medicine but I’m scared to take it in case it ‘masks’ a cough that I should be monitoring.

I was taken off all my meds two weeks ago to start a new treatment plan - which has been stopped as I had a bad reaction . Been told that they have no idea what to do now and they won’t know for a long time yet . All of the support I had - psychiatrist, GP, mental health team, I’ve been told it’s all stopped and there’s very little chance I’ll see anyone now until after the summer . GP ‘might’ ring but receptionists said they’ve been told that mental health isn’t anyone’s priority anymore , and I’ve just got to try and control it myself . I can’t . I’m drugged up the eyeballs and can hardly get one foot in front of the other (although can type fine?!) but I can’t calm down . Keep visualising ‘germs’ all over the house . I’ve lost about half a stone in a week as I’m not eating or drinking much, I’m totally bewildered and I’ve no idea how in the hell to calm down again .

I’m so scared that I’m going to die of this disease that I’m considering sorting it out for myself somehow , if I could find the courage - I don’t want to die in pain and distress surrounded by people who I don’t know in a corridor somewhere .

Please somebody help me, I’ve been trying to ring NHS24 since 8pm and no answer .
I’m scared I’m not able to keep myself safe .

Can you ring the Samaritans? You need to make sure you’re eating and drinking. Do not watch the news and I’d be tempted to stay off social media and places like Mumsnet. It will only make it much worse for you. Can you redirect your obsession? Big hugs. Is there anyone with you right now?

My mum’s asleep in her room . I’ve been on hold to NHS24 for 71 minutes now . Scared to hang up . And I’m scared the Samaritans will say the same as everyone else .

I need to lose weight, I’m too fat to survive , so I’ve cut down to about 900 calories a day . A bowl of cereal and then one or two biscuits . Nothing else . It’s all my fault for being so fat in the first place .

I thought if I went to the beach or something . I used to like it there . There is a lovely beach just 15 minutes walk away . And then I wouldn’t have to wait to die in pain and afraid . I wouldn’t have to wait and wait and wait all the time scared I’m going to die .

OP you need to ring in to the mental health team who have been supporting you. Tell them. Telephone support should be available for you even if home visits are postponed. GP, crisis team, your CPN or psychiatrist, start tomorrow and ring them. This ia something they could support you with over the phone, thats part of their job. They haven't abandoned you, contact them, tell them.

You need to ground yourself. Please go and wake your mum. You need someone there with you.

I can I only offer you my sympathies, please remember you are in control. You control your fear, don't let it control you.

Please call or reach out to someone.

Tell someone in real life.

I can’t get a hold of anyone . My mum has MH issues too and her OT wants to come round tomorrow but I’m scared to let her in , in case she contaminated the house .

I don’t want to die , I’ve never been abroad or had a baby or even a kiss from someone , I don’t want to die yet but it seems so inevitable now that it will happen very soon and I can’t bear it .

@imterrified your more than likely not going to die just keep remembering that.

Definitely contact your mental health team and or Samaritans ASAP!

Keep talking to us.

Hope your ok

Ring in to your mental health team in the morning, please.

gloved hand hold from a fellow severe germphobic OCD sufferer

Are you uh under the care of a local psychiatric team? Do they have a crisis line you could call?

Mind have a list of crisis lines you could call if you aren't currently under the MH team
www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/crisis-services/helplines-listening-services/

Mind also have a specific section on coronavirus
www.mind.org.uk/information-support/coronavirus-and-your-wellbeing/

When this happens, do you have any techniques that help like Grounding or mindfulness?

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

I’m finally on the phone to NHS24, they’re trying to get me a CPN to talk to . Lovely call handler got me to do breathing with her as couldn’t get a word out .

I’ll ask surgery in the morning for MH support phone numbers - I haven’t got anything to fall back on, just know what team I’m under - I was getting more and more panicked and desperate.

OP I just wanted to say I am here and I am listening. The way you're feeling is because you're panicking and you need to try and get yourself out of this panic state. Is there anything that normally calms you down? For me, for example, I could close my eyes and focus really hard on something lovely like stroking my childhood and lying in bed. I could also maybe have a bath, even if just to plan to stay in for 5 minutes and then say to myself I'll worry when I get back out. You might find your body will relax a little in the bath and then your mind might follow.

And please eat. We all need to keep ourselves healthy and well and full of vitamins and nutrients so grab an apple to begin with and tel yourself the good that is doing for your body.

Childhood cat that should say.

Oh excellent just seen your update! Glad the breathing helped. Feel free to have a natter about something here and see if it distracts you, if you aren't ready to come off Mumsnet for the time being. Why don't you tell me about your home? Describe your bedroom to me. What colour is it, what can you see to your left, what can you smell, what can you hear?

I really hope you're getting some help now op. I can't even begin to imagine how tough things must feel for you right now. Well done persisting until you got through.

Thinking of you OP. I have severe contamination OCD and I'm under a CMHT and 100% understand how dreadful you must be feeling. Keep talking on here! Most people recover from Coronavirus so don't think it will happen.

What hobbies do you have? Do you like singing, baking, crafts, writing, playing an instrument or listening to music?

Waiting for a CPN to phone . Never had pain in my hands like it ... they’re red raw from scrubbing as are my arms, bits of my face and neck .

Had a chat with my mum for a bit . I’m living with her as had to leave uni due to a nervous breakdown last year . Was doing a thousand times better and this has brought it all back and also things from years and years ago . So so horrible .

It’s contamination that panics me - I’m at the stage of wondering if i should strip the entire house and boil wash all fabrics, disinfect the couch, carpet etc but wouldn’t know where to start .

And shoes and jackets and things ...

On a more calmer note though - my room is my sisters old one... so it’s very, very barbie pink and still clarted in faded Disney crap . I’ve filled it with my stuff (mainly books) but it’s pretty awful . Left of me is beside table with collections of hand sanitizers, cough medicine and flask ... can hear the wind . Bedroom looks out onto a major road which is startlingly quiet and has been for a few days now . Very strange . Ambulance shot past yesterday which frightened me a bit but nothing I can do about that .

My mum has to go to GP surgery tomorrow to get her B12 injection, they’re saying they’ll do it through the car window and with PPE on which is frightening mum a lot . I’m not sure how handle that - my gran is driving her over as I can’t drive (neither can mum), gran is 79 ... and has happily gone to church, tesco and the paper shop in the last 48 hours. In my mind that makes her a risk to mum, who will then be a risk to me in turn when she gets home , and I don’t want to get frightened of giving my mum a hug ... I keep flinching and backing off when she tries even just now as I’m so scared . Not sure if I should tell mum not to touch granny at all and sit as far away as she can ... think that will make it worse .

And I’m still coughing occasionally, although I think that’s a nervous tic more than anything else ... and probably related to crying my eyes out for the last three hours !

So so relieved that 111 answered the phone, a lovely lady who was very calming indeed . Helped a great deal .

Hobbies ... I’m a trainee speech therapist so love that sort of thing ... can’t play any instruments sadly . Do have a set of acrylic paints but not brilliant at it ! Love reading , have a hell of a lot of books ... also do family tree stuff although haven’t done for a while . Probably now is the time to pick that up again .

Oh no- I'm sorry your hands are so painful at the moment and you're feeling so broken- lots of people with contamination OCD will be relating to how you feel at the moment. Do you have any good hand cream in your house? I find Neutrogena Norwegian formula works miracles when my hands are bleeding; although if your hands are burnt from using hot water or anything then you might need something else.

Try not to worry too much about your Granny picking your Mum up. She has probably had less contact with the outside world than most people, even with her trip to church and trips to the shop. Your Mum and Granny could both put some hand gel on during the drive. I'm sorry your Mum is worried too but it's good that she can get her injection through the car window because she won't come into contact with anyone else.

I'm sorry you had to take leave from your uni course. I thought about becoming an SLT- I'm interested in Linguistics, Anatomy/Physiology and Neuroscience and it all ties in well in speech and language therapy BUT I couldn't face training in a hospital with my OCD! Are you on a leave of absence from your course?

This would be the perfect time to start up looking into your family tree again- maybe make a plan to do that tomorrow to take your mind off things? OCD cause rumination but doing something fun like that might really help!

I'm sorry you're feeling so awful at the moment. I worry about anything and everything being contaminated so have had to consciously only take somewhat reasonable precautions instead at the moment and just hope that in a year's time I'm looking back on this as a difficult time that I got through.

Remember also that for younger people (I'm assuming you're under 35) the mortality rates are really low so don't let the thought that it will definitely be dreadful consume you. Lots of people have a bit of a cough and a temperature- they feel miserable for a few days and then they get over it. Even Tom Hanks who's in his 60s with diabetes has just been sent home from hospital to recover. It's not a death sentence.

It all feels scary and surreal at the moment but life will carry on! You could spend the time learning a language, reading, doing some painting etc. :)