OCD/autism and not coping at all

[imterrified]

I’m not coping at all tonight . I’ve got OCD - contamination obsessions specifically - agoraphobia and suspected autism and I’m totally losing it . Have been given Valium to try and settle and it’s not touching the sides .

I’m finding myself obsessively cleaning and imagining ‘germs’ everywhere . I’m scared to even open the windows in case it’s in the wind .

I’ve washed my hands 40/60 times this evening, in boiling water when I can, have used an entire hand sanitiser , and I’m washing them after I open a cupboard, when I want a drink, use the tv remote. Even found myself spraying my drink earlier in case someone had coughed on it in the shop . Tesco man came to the door with food and my God it was all I could do to not ask him to drop the food and run away . And then I thought I should maybe be disinfecting all the food . And the carpet where the Tesco box was . I haven’t - so now the fridge, cupboards and their entire contents are contaminated too . Have done all the door handles twice . It’s getting bigger and bigger in my head .

I’m scared to even scratch my eyes as who knows what germs are on my hands? Should I wash them every time I want to move my hair, or rub my eyes, I don’t know ?

Half of me is considering writing down every time I have social contact, for how long and why but that seems ludicrous . (Like the rest isnt ... )

Coughed tonight a few times too - because I’m obsessively ‘checking’ if I need to cough - and I’m panicking that this is it, I’ve got the virus and I’m going to die . I’ve got cough medicine but I’m scared to take it in case it ‘masks’ a cough that I should be monitoring.

I was taken off all my meds two weeks ago to start a new treatment plan - which has been stopped as I had a bad reaction . Been told that they have no idea what to do now and they won’t know for a long time yet . All of the support I had - psychiatrist, GP, mental health team, I’ve been told it’s all stopped and there’s very little chance I’ll see anyone now until after the summer . GP ‘might’ ring but receptionists said they’ve been told that mental health isn’t anyone’s priority anymore , and I’ve just got to try and control it myself . I can’t . I’m drugged up the eyeballs and can hardly get one foot in front of the other (although can type fine?!) but I can’t calm down . Keep visualising ‘germs’ all over the house . I’ve lost about half a stone in a week as I’m not eating or drinking much, I’m totally bewildered and I’ve no idea how in the hell to calm down again .

How are you this morning?

Make sure you use plenty of hand cream for your sore hands.

I slept solid from last time I posted til this morning - guess that was the Valium but have run out of that today ... tempted to phone the surgery and ask if can have a bit more of it .

Everytime I think of Boris Johnson or those other two men on the TV I start shaking again, it’s so so horrible .

I’m 28 yes ... by the time this is over I’ll be about 4/5 weeks away from being 29 .

I will do (with the family tree), will have a go at writing it out on paper or something . Wishing I had a laptop or PC now as could play the sims or something , I’ve ‘just’ got an iPad and phone but can still do plenty with them I’m sure .

Isla your interests sound very similar to mine ... I did a degree in languages and linguistics - joint with literature, ended
up specialising in psychiatric illness and links to feminist theory in women’s literature ... and then ended up working on a neuroscience ward for three years after that . Loved SLT course but anxiety started to take over (+++ issues at home with mum in particular) and so thought it best to leave ...

Now I’m relieved I am at home and not in a halls of residence somewhere, and that my mums not alone but I’ve always relied heavily on the nhs for help with mum and without that help I’m in a panic .

Cousin who does body shop is sending down a parcel with hand cream soon and I’ve ordered some stuff off boots in anticipation of them closing down , don’t want to run out of shampoo it can avoid it

I’ve coughed several times this morning which is really scaring me . An ambulance has gone past twice too which is very strange as we live in the middle of nowhere and never see them really . I’m trying not to wash my hands but I’m so scared . OOH GP said last night it’s a nervous tic .

I have got some yeah, a lovely Beatrix potter one somewhere .. will give that a go this afternoon and maybe watch a boxset . I’ve got an N95 mask on now which is reassuring me a bit although it’s bloody hot once on ! Will take it off to eat and drink only .

I’ve just realised one of the hand sanitizers I’ve been using is alcohol free . Went into town on Sunday to get the diazepam, I kept gloves on but was using alcohol free hand sanitiser . And then again with Tesco yesterday it was all alcohol free . Shit .

Soap and water is just as effective hand sanitizer is for if you can no access to soap and water.

Just keep using your hand wash and your hand cream

If you have no access that was supposed to say, sorry typing quickly.

Aye that’s what I’ve just been told on Facebook too , I’m just panicking as I was using it left right and centre on Sunday and yesterday . I had gloves on too though and I haven’t touched anyone’s hands at all . I have handled money, groceries and carrier bags but that’s it . Nothing else without gloves on . Other than in the house I mean .

GP surgery rang this morning as my mums MH team phoned them and asked them to please do something - I can’t have a repeat of last night where by the time someone answered the phone I couldn’t breathe/total meltdown . So GP surgery are giving me mirtazapine as it’s sedating to try and keep me calmer, and there’s an offer of more diazepam or lorazepam as needed . MH team said I’m not alone - said there have been dozens of people up here being given high doses of benzodiazepines over the last 72 hours as a way of rapidly calming down .

Been advised to keep the TV off BBC/ITV as far as is humanly possible , stick to music/films and Netflix, and check the news once per day and no more than that . And to avoid the corona forum on here 😂

So my mums off to the surgery ... in my grans car ... Gran decided to come charging into the youse which was my safe place ... I’ve dettoled as much as I could of the house and scrubbed things and my hands . I keep coughing still but no fever, nothing - just a cough and phlegmy/acid reflux but that’s normal for me. Especially when I get anxious like this .