I’m not coping at all tonight . I’ve got OCD - contamination obsessions specifically - agoraphobia and suspected autism and I’m totally losing it . Have been given Valium to try and settle and it’s not touching the sides .
I’m finding myself obsessively cleaning and imagining ‘germs’ everywhere . I’m scared to even open the windows in case it’s in the wind .
I’ve washed my hands 40/60 times this evening, in boiling water when I can, have used an entire hand sanitiser , and I’m washing them after I open a cupboard, when I want a drink, use the tv remote. Even found myself spraying my drink earlier in case someone had coughed on it in the shop . Tesco man came to the door with food and my God it was all I could do to not ask him to drop the food and run away . And then I thought I should maybe be disinfecting all the food . And the carpet where the Tesco box was . I haven’t - so now the fridge, cupboards and their entire contents are contaminated too . Have done all the door handles twice . It’s getting bigger and bigger in my head .
I’m scared to even scratch my eyes as who knows what germs are on my hands? Should I wash them every time I want to move my hair, or rub my eyes, I don’t know ?
Half of me is considering writing down every time I have social contact, for how long and why but that seems ludicrous . (Like the rest isnt ... )
Coughed tonight a few times too - because I’m obsessively ‘checking’ if I need to cough - and I’m panicking that this is it, I’ve got the virus and I’m going to die . I’ve got cough medicine but I’m scared to take it in case it ‘masks’ a cough that I should be monitoring.
I was taken off all my meds two weeks ago to start a new treatment plan - which has been stopped as I had a bad reaction . Been told that they have no idea what to do now and they won’t know for a long time yet . All of the support I had - psychiatrist, GP, mental health team, I’ve been told it’s all stopped and there’s very little chance I’ll see anyone now until after the summer . GP ‘might’ ring but receptionists said they’ve been told that mental health isn’t anyone’s priority anymore , and I’ve just got to try and control it myself . I can’t . I’m drugged up the eyeballs and can hardly get one foot in front of the other (although can type fine?!) but I can’t calm down . Keep visualising ‘germs’ all over the house . I’ve lost about half a stone in a week as I’m not eating or drinking much, I’m totally bewildered and I’ve no idea how in the hell to calm down again .