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Original poster

Of an AIBU but just need friends

42 replies

DevastatedandDistraught · 15/03/2020 23:12

I am at a very low ebb tonight. I lost my lovely daughter nearly a year ago. It was tragic and sudden and despite counselling, I will never come to terms with what has happened to her and my family. My daughter took her own life completely of the blue, and I was her Mum. I feel so responsible. She was 15.
To all intents and purposes I am coping as well as could be imagined. This is mainly due to the antidepressants I am taking which deaden me. But tonight I have had enough of everything, the pain, the trying to be ok, the brave face. Everyone is in bed and I’m thinking about how I wish I had the strength to end it. I hate this life and I cannot wait to be reunited with my girl.
I have a younger son. He has kept me alive these last few months. But lately he is struggling with what has happened and I can’t be the Mum he needs. I have no energy left. I have had enough.

I don’t know what I am asking for. A hand hold maybe. I just need to get through tonight. Tomorrow is another (shit) day.

OP posts:
mumoftwodc · 15/03/2020 23:17

I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. Would you like to talk about her?

mumoftwodc · 15/03/2020 23:22

Im so sorry for your loss and I can't imagine how you're feeling but we are all here for you.

HighlandSpring101 · 15/03/2020 23:23

Oh OP Sad please don’t do anything rash. Keep posting on here or better still, call the Samaritans and have a long chat with them. I’m so, so sorry for your loss. I cannot comprehend your pain. No doubt you’ll never be the same again but there will still be some joy in life to be had, just not at the moment, it’s going to take longer than a year for you to feel any better. You have a son that needs you. Big hugs to you, please stay safe, you are very loved im sure.

Original poster
DevastatedandDistraught · 15/03/2020 23:23

Thank you Mumoftwodc. Sorry. Don’t know how to link. She was a beautiful girl, inside and out. And I didn’t app what a jewel she was until, I lost her. But I miss her so much. I cannot wait until I am reunited with her. She was lovely.

My life is over.

OP posts:
Snowglobes · 15/03/2020 23:26

So tragic. Please call the Samaritans.

Opendraw · 15/03/2020 23:27

I can’t imagine how you are feeling but I know someone who will The Compasionate Friends is a non religious charity where the call center volunteers are bereaved parents themselves. You may already know of them and I’m sure you would not regret calling.

HighlandSpring101 · 15/03/2020 23:28

Please call the Samaritans OP. Please

Trees2905 · 15/03/2020 23:31

Hello Devastated, I saw your comment on a CV thread and searched to see if I could work our how to DM you and found this. I am so so sorry for the horrendous loss of your wonderful girl. I think that the fact you are still holding it together for your boy is incredible. Do you have any additional support? Anything for your son through school at all so it’s not just all on you?

Original poster
DevastatedandDistraught · 15/03/2020 23:32

The Samaritans can’t do anything for me. Not unless they have a magic wand. I just need to carry on, like I have been doing. But tonight I just feel so very, very low. Thank you to those who have posted. It is much appreciated

OP posts:
midwestspring · 15/03/2020 23:38

OP, try the Samaritans.
Talk to us about your son?
It sounds like you have been working hard to support him.

Original poster
DevastatedandDistraught · 15/03/2020 23:39

No support other than good friends to whom I am so grateful but in the dark hours when it is just me I feel awful. There’s is no one who can support me and make things better.
A year ago life was so good. Normal. Now every day is a living nightmare. I won’t do anything to end it. I’m not as brave as my daughter but I cannot wait until my life is over.

OP posts:
CoronaVera · 15/03/2020 23:42

Your son needs you just as you are. You are his only mum and he needs you.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

ScorchioScorchio · 15/03/2020 23:43

I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to understand how you feel. I didn't want to read and run but I don't have any advice to give other than please talk to someone in real life. Your lovely boy wants and needs you and you can be there for each other in this hugely difficult time. You are in my thoughts.

Anthilda · 15/03/2020 23:43

I'm so sorry for what's happened. You may find others in a similar situation on the bereavement boards. It's good to talk, better than bottling up the pain. Flowers

mumoftwodc · 15/03/2020 23:44

I have a son too who adores his sister. I imagine your son did too.

mumoftwodc · 15/03/2020 23:47

Was your DD doing GCSEs last year? I wonder what she'd think of the coronavirus this year and the uncertainty ahead with school closures and potential delays to GCSEs. Would she have been stressed over her GCSEs?

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 15/03/2020 23:49

I can't imagine how dreadfully you're suffering, and I understand you feeling that your life is over, but your son's isn't.

You say lately he is struggling with what has happened and I can’t be the Mum he needs.

Just existing as his mum is immensely valuable. It's what he needs. If he's struggling now, just imagine the effect of losing you to suicide would be on him..

Is there any music that helps. When my DH was dying at home and I had 2 DC at primary school, I would go to the basement and listen to . I used to shout, sing and sob it all out. Sounds daft but it really helped.

Original poster
DevastatedandDistraught · 15/03/2020 23:53

I’ve been on the bereaved thread but there’s not much traffic on there. I suppose I’m just looking for a hand hold tonight and AIBU is where Isis all going on. Sorry for duping people.
I wou,d do anything to help my son but he’s just starting puberty and the hormones are raging. He wants to fight the world! I’m sure that’s just his grief. I’ve got a counsellor lined up for him next week.
He is at that age when he is trying to test you. I haven’t got the reserves. I fantasise about suicide but I know I can’t do it. Because of him. But my God,I don’t know how I am going to get through these next few years with him.
In temper, he has told me he wants to die too. I am constantly on edge. He saw everything the night his sister took her own life. I am worried for him but then part of me thinks that if he does the same I can go too. What a fucking mess. 😞

OP posts:
movpov · 15/03/2020 23:54

OP I am very sorry for your loss and the horrendous time you have gone through. I lost a little boy many years ago and though the circumstances were not the same and I cannot comprehend the horror of losing a child in the way you have, I know about the indescribable pain and grief and the feeling of not thinking you can survive something. It sounds like you have been an incredible mum to your son so far, and he needs you still. Would you like to talk about your children?
Here's a hand hold from meFlowers and there's a few of us about for you. PM if you want

Dita73 · 15/03/2020 23:54

I can’t imagine how you’re feeling but I do know you’re stronger than you think you are. I’ve had depression for many years and have been suicidal several times in my life. I was desperate for my life to end. The way I used to get through it is to think that if I really am feeling that bad then surely it can only get better. I used to take a minute at a time but found comfort in knowing that I could end it if I wanted to. It was my backup but (so far) I haven’t needed it. The minutes go by so slowly at first but as time goes on you don’t even notice anymore. Things do improve. Now and again things go downhill again but at least you know they will get better. I’m not going to say to you that one day you’ll feel fine again because you won’t. Your life has changed forever but you will adjust to it. It’s still only a short time since you lost your daughter and the way you’re feeling is completely normal. Just keep trying to wait it out for a bit longer. Not just for your son but for yourself. One day you will smile again but in the meantime we’re all here to listen to you. Thinking of you Flowers

HarrietThePi · 15/03/2020 23:59

Op the bravest thing you can do is keep on going for you and for your son.

RedTartanLass · 16/03/2020 00:03

I too wish I had a magic wand or a comforting word to make this better for you.

I'm crying just reading the despair in your posts. All I can say is keep going for your son. You can do it for him.

mumoftwodc · 16/03/2020 00:11

@DevastatedandDistraught you will get through this for your son and yourself. Just take one night, one day at a time and break it down into small steps. We will be here with you.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 16/03/2020 00:12

I am so sorry about your daughter. Please don't ever think you can't be the mum your son needs. He just needs you there with him.

Flythedragons · 16/03/2020 00:13

Hello devastated. I’m so very sorry that you lost your beautiful daughter. I can not imagine the pain that you are in, but I’m here tonight thinking of you, your daughter and your son.

Nights can be the worst time, please do not feel alone tonight, we are here. You sound like an incredible woman. Whilst I know you feel the Samaritans can’t do anything for you, please do try them. They are a listening service and that could be what you need tonight. You could talk about anything, sometimes a kind voice can be helpful and reassuring, a reminder that we are never alone if we reach out line you have tonight.

Would you like me to light a candle for your daughter?