Of an AIBU but just need friends

[DevastatedandDistraught]

I am at a very low ebb tonight. I lost my lovely daughter nearly a year ago. It was tragic and sudden and despite counselling, I will never come to terms with what has happened to her and my family. My daughter took her own life completely of the blue, and I was her Mum. I feel so responsible. She was 15.
To all intents and purposes I am coping as well as could be imagined. This is mainly due to the antidepressants I am taking which deaden me. But tonight I have had enough of everything, the pain, the trying to be ok, the brave face. Everyone is in bed and I’m thinking about how I wish I had the strength to end it. I hate this life and I cannot wait to be reunited with my girl.
I have a younger son. He has kept me alive these last few months. But lately he is struggling with what has happened and I can’t be the Mum he needs. I have no energy left. I have had enough.

I don’t know what I am asking for. A hand hold maybe. I just need to get through tonight. Tomorrow is another (shit) day.

Thank you everyone. You have got me through a rough couple of hours. I can’t tell you how much that means. The kindness of strangers and all that.
To the person who posted about GCSE’s. Yes, she would have been doing them this year. No doubt she would have been looking forward to them potentially being postponed due to CV. Everything is a reminder of what she would have been doing but now never will. I cannot get my head round what happened. She was such a happy go lucky kind of girl. But she was taking a drug for acne which, unbeknown to us could cause suicidal impulses. And it killed her.
How am I ever supposed to come to terms with that? I failed her.

You didn't fail her. You did your best for her and were there for her. You weren't aware of the side affects of the drug and, if you had been, you would have been there for her. You sound like a fantastic Mum.

OP joining the others in expressing how very very sorry I am for your loss.
It is a unique pain, trying to live with the loss of a child, people call it a heartache, which can never really describe the pain you will physically feel when grieving. But, the grief brings your healing. Eventually. And you will again enjoy your son and the life you both still share.
Please OP, keep talking, I and others on the thread are listening and helping you to carry on.

@Flythedragons.
I would love it if you could light a candle for her. Thank you so much.

I have lit a candle for your daughter and am thinking of her.

I have light a candle for your daughter too. ❤️

For your daughter, your son and for you. Thinking of you all.

Thank you @Flythedragon and @Flythedragons
That you would do light a candle for someone you don’t even know is such a kind thing. Thank you

You’re very welcome. You are not alone tonight

I'm so sorry about your daughter. 💐💐💐

Oh @DevastatedandDistraught I am so, so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Do you want to talk about her? And your son? I’m so sorry he’s finding it difficult, it must be so hard for both of you. xx

I am so sorry OP, wish I could give you a hug

@DevastatedandDistraught
I have PMed you..

I am so sorry for your loss op. Are you still awake? Nighttime is the worst. Wishing you strength.

I am so so sorry, You sound like a lovely mum, both of your children are lucky to have you. I wish I had words to comfort you, I don’t, I am sorry. But please know there is a candle lit in New Zealand for your daughter. I imagine she’s looking out for you and her brother, the world was lucky to have her for those 15 years.
Kia kaha x

@DevastatedandDistraught
I will hold your sorrow and worries for you tonight so you can rest and have a quiet heart...I can hold them for as long as you need...we all are here for you and hugging and holding your hand...sleep now

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real life help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.