Feel like I've reached the end of the road. Don't want to be alive anymore

[soakedonsplash]

The whole thing is a long story and I'm sorry that I just don't feel up to telling it all right now. First went to see my GP 3 months ago and got signed off work - in that time I have tried an antidepressant, had three assessments with local mental health services, gone on the waiting list for several talking therapies before I finally decided to just pay to go private about a month ago. Nothing has made me feel even slightly better - to be honest things have just gotten so much worse. Thought I was suicidal back in november but that was nothing compared to now. I am just so tired, I get no enjoyment from anything and even just getting out of bed each morning feels like a massive ordeal. To be honest I feel like I have made my mind up that I just want to kill myself, but something always keeps stopping me at the last minute. I'd been planning for weeks to go through with it last Friday - I needed to go into town to buy something I needed. I had a GP appointment on Friday which I thought would get me up and dressed and into town but wouldn't actually go to the appointment. Something made me go to the appointment though, told him how I feel. My GP was great and convinced me to give something else a go. But mental health services contacted me again later that day with nothing like what I had agreed with GP - in fact they offered me nothing at all. My husband called them back to have a bit of a moan and they said they would call me today with more options - of course I've had no call from them today. Lovely GP called around lunch time to see how I was/what the plan was. Explained what had happened and I was waiting for a call - GP has said he will ring me again tomorrow.

That was a lot longer than I thought. But basically - I feel 100% sure that I just don't want to be alive anymore. I have a plan that I know will work and I can actually see myself going through with. I keep thinking I will just wait and see what happens next appointment/phone call but I always regret it because nothing happens. I feel so angry at myself for going to the appointment on Friday. Keep thinking I shouldn't be here anymore and deal with this shit. Doesn't seem to be any point asking for help because nobody thinks I deserve it. I just don't know what to do. Well, I do - I want to die, but I just can't go through with it and I hate myself for it.

No significant date. Just that I had been planning for ages to do it last Friday and didn't and now have a new day.

OP, honestly aspergers is a syndrome so every child/adult widely vary, just because my daughter wasn’t into affection doesn’t mean you don’t have aspergers. The only way to know is to ask to be referred for investigation by people qualified to diagnose autism. My second youngest son is autistic and he has always been super affectionate!

Whenever I do like online tests they never come back as suggesting I have autism or anything. I think that's why I don't want to mention it to the GP as I think he'll just laugh at me because it seems so ridiculous. I've missed my chance to tell him now anyway. And I don't think it would really change anything even if I did have aspergers

Hi op

I understand that you are very frustrated at yourself and how you feel and how the system is not helping you.

If you have actually made up your mind and have a date or day in mind
To end your life, then there is nothing anyone can do to persuade you any different.

But...

You are on here and still hanging on, there is a thread in you that doesn't quite want to let go, but also I'm detecting that whatever anyone is trying to suggest is not good enough or believable.

If you have got a few days of grace which you are in charge of, do you not owe it to yourself to exhaust every real solution before calling it a day ?

What the point of a grace period if you are actively choosing not to engage?
I'm not deliberately trying to goad you, but you appear to be road blocking everything.

Would you consider being sectioned ? Could your husband take some kind of charge now, so you don't have to make this decision ?

I'm just so conflicted right. Part of me is desperately trying to hold on and reaches out for help, but the other part of me has made up it's mind and so actively resists anything anyone suggests. I know this makes me super annoying to deal with, which then just further feeds into the idea that I don't want to ask for help.

The other problem is that several mental health nurses have told me that everything is driven my risk, and officially my risk level is very low because I've never actually attempted to kill myself before (they apparently don't count the time I tried to lock myself in the bathroom with a knife and my husband had to force his way in and wrestle it out of my hand...) So... basically I'm not getting any help unless I actually try and do something. So the way I see it is, I try and do something and either: I die, or I actually get some help, which are the two things I 'want' so it's worth doing. I don't know if I'm making any sense?

My husband knows exactly how I'm feeling. He won't even call crisis team because he wants me to cope on my own as much as possible. Like he says, having the crisis team involved they are just going to make sure that I don't kill myself, not actually try and help me get better. Which is just going to make me feel very trapped and ultimately much worse.

Just as an update if anyone is interested. I went to my counselling appointment today and said everything that had happened in the last week. I'm not very good at lying so it quickly became clear I still felt the same way and had a plan that I was intending to use today. She contacted mental health services and they (finally) referred me on to the crisis team. They have been out to see me today and will come out again on Friday. Still feeling pretty hopeless but I feel like at least I'm not quite as alone in it anymore.

I'm kind of where you are now. Life's a mess. Have two adopted children that I. Failing and a marriage that I'm pretending at. Doubling or trebling up on anti depressants to get through the day. Feeel free to message me x

That’s brilliant OP, huge achievement, I’m so pleased you are getting more support now. You really aren’t alone, you can always use here to talk if you need to. This is the beginning of you getting better, already a big step forward.

Well done OP - that took a lot of strength and you did it. Keep trying and holding on, and I hope you will feel some relief soon. And a (((hug))).

I'm really proud of you lovely
And most of all as hard as it maybe at the moment

Please have a little pride in yourself as well

Have you ever been assessed for Autism? You say that you find conversations hard because you don't always know when to speak & when to listen, that & your feeling helpless, anxious & depressed makes me wonder if you may be autistic. I am newly diagnosed & have suffered with horrific depression that has made me feel suicidal since I was 17. The not understanding social cues is one thing I find extremely difficult which has made me be very isolated. Could you ask to be referred for an Autism assessment,or ask someone who is working with you if they think you maybe autistic. I had always thought that I must be an awful person because I didn't have any friends & used to beat myself up about it, I now know that I'm not, I'm just different, my brain works in a different way to most other people. I'm not saying that things changed straight away, but I have realised it isn't me who has a problem, it is other people who don't understand me. Now I think I am who I am & if people can't accept me the way I am then that is their problem, not mine.

Thanks everyone. It doesn't feel so great at the moment, in fact I've just being trying to convince myself to go through with it all day. They didn't say anything about ringing, and when I have tried to ring before I have just been turned away. I hate talking to people on the phone anyway. Just spoke to GP and he said in the first instance everything is just being done over the phone now so he has said he will call me next week rather than having an actual appointment, which has made me feel more anxious/hopeless. I didn't manage to say something about autism in the end - I'm worried he will just think it's ridiculous and laugh at me. People from crisis team yesterday said to ask for a blood test and I did that, but he was a bit like "Yeah, they normally ask. We can do it just to definitively rule anything out because I don't think it will comeback positive." So felt a bit like I'm just wasting their time now.

I don't know, I don't know what to do. I'm just on the sofa crying, can't get myself to do anything today

Well done OP. You're doing well even if you can't see it.

It’s okay if you can’t get yourself to do anything today, you have already done a lot by going to your counsellor and the crisis team. That is loads, it really is. It’s no wonder you are finding today rough after all that yesterday. When I was unwell, sometimes all I could manage was to sit on the couch, cuddling a teddy bear and crying. Other days I could actually manage to shower and put on some clothes.

You are not wasting their time either. As your GP said, they usually ask for bloods to be done, for everyone that sees the crisis team. If it was a waste of time, that wouldn’t be the case.

There is also plenty of time to ask about Autism, it doesn’t matter that you weren’t able to say anything about it today.

Just now, you don’t have to do anything other than get through the day the best you can. One hour at a time. When you are recovering from depression, it is a very slow process, but you have begun that process which is more than you had two days ago.

Crisis team called me two hours later than they said I would (I know they are probably busy and there is a good reason but this just really puts me on edge - I can't just get on with other things and wait for them to call when they do, I will just sit and stare at the phone pretty much). They are coming again later. They talked about me going to a 'crisis house' - looked it up and sounds potentially helpful, but ultimately I am just too anxious about being somewhere new, with new people, new things, new routines etc. Also just being away from DH - and it's not clear from the website how much I would be able to see him/talk to him. They said we can talk about it later.

In unrelated news, somebody from work phoned to see how I was. I ended up mentioning the autism thing to them (I work in a school, and they do a lot of work with pupils with SEN) - and they said they'd been thinking it for several months and hadn't wanted to say anything! So maybe there could be some truth in it

I'm not sure I can say anything helpful but having read your thread I can't not leave a message. My good old mum repeats the saying that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And it's true. I can't imagine how awful you must be feeling. I've had a glimpse of it back in 2010 and because of this I KNOW that you can and will feel better in the future. How you feel now is all encompassing but it is TEMPORARY. With the proper intervention you will feel well again.

Maybe you are on the autism/aspergers spectrum. Maybe you're not. But I'm certain that you can and will feel very differently to how you feel just now in the future if you can just hang on. Please just hang on. Your husband loves you and needs you to just push through. I'm praying that you get the help you so desperately need soon. You're in my thoughts x

Hi op

I'm so glad your still here with us

You sound like you are fighting against what might to be appear outside forces
Or voices that are conspiring to get at or stop you.

Might I suggest that at the moment, you treat the negative thoughts and "stuff"
As a real entity that means to cause you harm, and not keep you safe.

Might I also suggest that you give this "entity" a name. Give it a name of something you really hate or don't like eg Marmite for example or that's makes you laugh, something silly sounding.

Then when this "force or feeling" raises its head you can treat it accordingly
Fuck off marmite your not helpful right now, or spongebob your an idiot and make me laugh

This can allow you to take some control over something that's been in control of you , it can feel silly or even pointless at first, but it allows you to focus on what you know is "wrong or bad thought"

Also...you probably know the breathing technique in for 7 exhale for 7 counting in your head .

Imagine the in take of air as a favourite colour, this would be the colour of say the sun or warmth or something comforting to you.
The exhale would be a dark colour representing the bad thoughts and feelings
This is a really quick self focussing, cycle interrupting excercise
People around you won't even notice you are doing it

Keep on keeping on op, and the house thing sounds ideal, a complete break from your surroundings and people can give you a whole new perspective.

Glad you’re still going OP.

My daughter,just turned 19, has recently been through similar experiences recently re being repeatedly & constantly let down by the lack of mental health services and four anti-depressants which had negligible effect. She had to drop out of sixth form at the end of 2018 & 2019 was a write off. More & more of my searches for help were pointing towards ADHD without the hyperactivity.With long waiting lists for assessment, the GP agreed to my request for referral to an adhd psychiatrist. In February she was diagnosed & has been on stimulant medication for a month.Medication isn’t a cure-all and more work will be required to untangle her beliefs about herself & develop new strategies which work for the way her brain is wired.

I am not saying you have ADHD but there is a evidence that women with neurodiverse brains tend to internalise their difficulties,perhaps because of socialisation. The unconscious struggle to function “normally” can almost be like trauma & overwhelm coping skills.

Sorry, finding it difficult to summarise & convey that it’s shite that it takes so much to push for the correct assessment and support but that they are out there.

How are you doing OP? I have been thinking of you.

Hi. I have been doing a bit better. It's a bit frustrating that people have been telling me for months to get out more and now I'm actually feeling up to doing it it feels like the wrong thing to do! I went out shopping on Saturday to get some bath bombs from lush and a lego set- so I have some nice things for the next few days.

The way I described it to the crisis team is that is like there are two sides of me having a constant argument - one that just wants to die and is trying to convince me to kill myself, and one that just wants my old life back - so the problem is that neither of them are very happy at the moment! Last week the kill myself side was very much winning though, whereas now it's a bit more 50/50, if that makes sense? The crisis team say they are going to discharge me soon - which I get as I'm not really in such a crisis anymore. I really hope it is with some sort of plan for the future though as otherwise I think I will just slip back into the same place.

Just read your thread and wanted to post encouragement. The LEGO set sounds like a super fun way to spend some time. Hope you will get out as much as possible now, too.

Did you have any thoughts about following up on the aspergers/autism possibility? Maybe your coworker could make some suggestions about exploring that further.

Take care of yourself

I’m so glad your other side is winning this week OP. Getting out is brilliant as is getting some treats, you really deserve them!

I can already feel myself slipping back - DH ended up calling the crisis team last night as I was really panicky and just couldn't sleep. Nothing is working at distracting myself this morning either. I'm just so stressed out. DH is asthmatic and although it is very well managed he does get the flu jab every year - so should he be self-isolating for 12 weeks?? I also know that what really helps my mental health is seeing people and getting out and about - neither of which can happen now. Although it feels kinda pointless to be staying inside when DH has gone to work today and will come into close contact with 150+ teenagers today. My counsellor has cancelled face to face appointments and said we can do skype, but I just always feel so self conscious using those things and I'm just dreading it now. I feel like maybe I could've really started to turn a corner with the support I was getting but now that's just being taken away? I was meant to be going to have a blood test done this morning but I cancelled the appointment because I was just too anxious and worked up to go. I hate needles anyway!!

I mentioned the autism thing to people from the crisis team that have visited - they said I need to talk to my GP about it - which I'm really nervous about. I keep thinking I'm going to tell him and he's just going to laugh at me because it's so stupid??? Or even if he does take it seriously he is probably too busy at the moment to properly talk about it or to write the referral.

Ah, just so stressed and I feel like everything is going wrong :(

Okay so this blooming coronavirus is making everything so much harder isn’t it. However the same level of support is there just over Skype. I get you feel self conscious about that, perhaps you can talk to the counsellor about that before hand, maybe by phone?

I would say your DH is in the vulnerable category so should be isolating for 12 weeks. This means you at least won’t be alone during this time of you aren’t able to get out and about.

Your GP will not laugh at you, autism is no laughing matter. You just need to tell him how you feel, the worst that can happen is he may not agree, no harm done.

Today is hard, try to go with it as much as you can. My daughter has been referred to the primary mental health team by phone this morning and we are self isolating so it is worrying but sadly worrying doesn’t achieve anything except make us feel even worse.

I have been online and bought board games and some craft things to try and fill the time. You mentioned you play video games, maybe there is a new one you could try?

You are doing so very well, this is just one of those step backs that I was talking about, there will be step forwards again too.